“We have a problem.” Lisa Kaye said as she read the teletype warning all other agencies to stay away.
“What’s wrong?” Esteban asked.
“Apparently our fat little redhead persuaded another agency that he isn’t the threat we said he was. Well...so much for that plan.” Lisa stood up and walked over to the hole in the front of the building.
Esteban sighed, “So, most of your coworkers aren’t coming, the mutual aid is being ignored, and I’m getting bitten up by bugs. It seems like things are going downhill pretty quick.”
“Not necessarily.” Lisa turned around smiling. “I may have an idea.” Lisa started to explain, but the young woman Esteban was holding was screaming too loudly for anyone to hear her. Esteban moved around the desk to hear better, but the young woman he had a hold on kept trying to jerk away. She begged, and cried to be let go so loudly that she kept drowning out the conversation the two zombies were trying to have. Finally in frustration Lisa asked, “Jesus Rebekka, would you please just the hell up for one minute.” Rebekka just kept screaming. “Esteban…can you shut her up please?”
“Oh fine.” Esteban rolled his eyes and pushed the young woman against the wall. Then he reached over and grabbed the heavy metal three-hole puncher. The first blow shattered her jaw. Her mouth hung open. The jaw was deformed and misshapen so badly that she couldn’t move it. The second blow made her slump to the floor. She started crawling away. “Now we can’t have that.” Esteban dropped the hole punch, and stomped down on the woman’s leg just below the knee. There was an audible pop, and the woman made a garbled scream. Esteban wasn’t done though. He moved to the other leg and stomped on it. Now both legs were useless, but she was determined. Esteban grabbed one arm, and lifted it. He tenderly held her fingers in his hand, and then kicked her elbow. The elbow shattered, and bent backward into a ninety degree angle. He then took her other arm, and twisted it until the bones popped and shattered. Esteban kept twisting until the meat began to tear off the bone. He kept twisting like he was trying to wring water out of a towel. The bones in the arm were destroyed. As he continued twisting the skin ripped at the shoulder from the strain. Blood began to ooze at first, but then came faster with more tearing.
Rebekka looked up at him weakly. Shock was already setting in. She tried to beg, but couldn’t form the words. Instead she just gave a mumbled mewl, and watched in horror as her arm was slowly twisted off. Esteban pulled her arm away like it was a chicken leg and began to eat it. Blood spurted from her shoulder in heavy blasts. It coated his shoes, and soaked into the carpet. Heavy spurts kept coming. The other zombies that hadn’t eaten yet saw the blood and scrambled to feed. Esteban had to jump out of the way, or be trapped in the dog pile of inhumanity. The stronger ones fought their way to the body, and the weaker ones were content to lap up the blood from the carpet.
“That reminds me…doesn’t this place have a cleaning crew?” Esteban asked between bites.
“They come in early every morning, but I wouldn’t count on them arriving. If Colton was able to call the others and tell them to stay away, he probably got ahold of the cleaning crew as well.” Lisa answered.
“That fat midget is really ruining our day.” Esteban growled.
“Yeah, but we might be able to make use of him. If we take some of these guys with us and go to his house we can set a trap. He has that pretty wife, and you just know he’s going to have to go check on her the first chance he gets. So we wait on him to get home, and then we make him one of us. Then we get him to give the all clear, and have him ask the other agencies for mutual aid. So then we’re back to having meals delivered. Of course we can eat that pretty wife of his once we get ahold of Colton, but we’ll need to lay low until he gets home. We wouldn’t want her to warn him off now would we.” Lisa smiled.
Esteban started to grin, “That’s downright brilliant, and I sure would like a mouthful of his woman. Sweet Jesus she’s a piece. What’s a woman like that doing with the a fat little redheaded turd like Colton? Does he have money or something?”
“Nope, and it doesn’t make any sense to me either. Who knows?” Lisa shrugged.
“Peanut? Where y’at?” Esteban had to scream over the sounds of the zombies fighting over Rebekka’s body. The poor girl couldn’t move with all of them on top of her. They went after the easiest things first. One ear was torn off and swallowed whole, and the other one was being eaten away one bite at a time. One of the zombies grabbed her nose, and pulled it away until only a small bit of cartilage remained. Some of them were eating her legs, and a few her arms.
Peanut stuck his head up from the pile, “Awrite.”
Esteban looked down and took another bite of Rebekka’s arm. Then after swallowing it down he said, “Hurry it up. Road trip.”
“Okay boss.” Peanut answered and then said to the other zombies, “Let’s turn her over. She’s a skinny one. There’ll be more to eat on the other side.”
The pile of zombies immediately rolled her over. They weren’t gentle. Her already broken arm popped out of joint, and folded underneath the body. All of Rebekka’s most tender parts were now available. It didn’t take long. They tore her clothes off to get to the fleshy parts underneath. A man and a woman latched onto Rebekka’s breasts and started gnawing away. One of them ate her toes. One woman looked as if she was trying to kiss Rebekka, but instead she pulled away with a chunk of her lower lip. A man put his mouth over one of her eyes, and sucked until it came out in his mouth. He bit down, severing the optic nerve, and it fell back across her face like a piece of fettuccini. The man kept chewing the eye like it was a hardboiled egg. Finally he swallowed, and then made his way to the other eye.
They grabbed and tore at her skin. Fingernails pulling off small sheets of skin, and if they couldn’t rip the flesh off by hand, they just leaned in and bit off chunks. One of them even lay down between her legs and ate at the inside of her thigh. Eventually several of them turned their attention to her stomach. They buried their faces in her soft tummy, and began gnawing at her as though it were a state fair pie eating contest. By the time one of them was able to reach in and pull out her liver, she was dead.
Eventually they began trying to get to the brain. A woman reached for it first, and was attacked by three others. They even bit off one of her fingers. Next a large black man put Rebekka in a headlock and started to try and tear her head away, but they pounced on him. Peanut grabbed the hole punch off the floor and bashed the man’s head in. Blood splattered in arcs as the heavy metal hole puncher smashed its way through the man’s cranium. The other’s threw the dead man’s body out of the way, and they all continued fighting over Rebekka’s head.
*Bang*
“I’ll be taking her brain if you please.” Lisa said as she leaned over the desk. The pistol had made a clean hole through one of the other zombie’s forehead, and sprayed brain matter all over the two zombies behind him. They all backed away, and Peanut wrenched Rebekka’s head off. Then he handed it to the blonde. “Thank you Peanut.” The others watched as Lisa cracked the skull against the edge of the desk until the skull was broken enough for her to just reach down and tear off the top. Lisa reached in to Rebekka’s head like it was a bucket of popcorn, and pulled out a handful. She greedily shoved the first bite into her mouth. “Oh God…it’s so good!”
“Can I have a bite?” Esteban asked.
“I’ll think about it.” Lisa answered, but it was clear she had no intention of sharing. It wasn’t long before she was scooping out the last bit of medulla oblongata. She then tossed the remains to a young brunette woman that had been scraping the floor to try and get a few drops of blood, “Here, you can have the face.” The woman snatched the head out of the air and began gnawing on Rebekka’s cheek.
“So the plan is we head to Colton’s house and wait? It seems easy enough.” Peanut said.
“Yeah, let me get some keys for the other Explorers. We’ll park a mile away and then make our way up to his house. Then we’ll attack when he gets out.” Lisa walked to where they kept the keys for all the vehicles, and came out with four keys. “Well that’ll take sixteen of us. That should be plenty. Esteban, pick whoever you think can do the job, and we’ll get them a gun from the armory. The rest of you can stay here and wait for food, or go hunting for something to eat.”
Esteban took Peanut and they sized up the others. The fat ones that might get seen too easily were immediately disregarded. They asked who had military training, and two of the men raised their hands. One was in the reserves. His name was Ted Dotry, but he answered to T-Dot. The other had been a helicopter pilot in Vietnam. His name was Freddy Cox, and he was an older man. Esteban wasn’t going to take him, but then Freddy said, “I’m fit enough to keep up with you kids, smart enough to stay hidden, and strong enough to pull a trigger. What else could you want?” Esteban just liked that the man could call him a kid with a straight face, and so he decided to let him come.
A few of the people Esteban would have wanted to come had to be excluded because it wasn’t practical. Either they’d been bitten somewhere like their leg that made it where they couldn’t really move well, or they had fingers bitten off and couldn’t even hold a gun. Out of what he had left, Esteban picked the best eleven. They each took a gun and then went out to the SUV’s.
Esteban, Lisa, and two men sat in one Explorer. Peanut took three men with him in the second Explorer. T-Dot drove the third, and Freddy brought up the rear. They left the station, and headed towards Colton’s home. Esteban and Peanut’s Explorers weaved all over the road. “Shit…it’s like I’m drunk.” Esteban growled.
“Peanut doesn’t look like he’s doing much better.” Lisa said.
“I know what I want to do, but it’s like my body isn’t really listening to my mind.” Esteban explained.
“I know what you mean.” Lisa said as she watched Peanut nearly veer into a telephone pole. “I was typing those teletypes, and by the time I finished the last one I was having fits with typos. I type ninety words a minute, and I don’t think I was typing six by that last one. Maybe whatever’s done this to us has screwed with our fine motor skills, and hand eye coordination.”
“You think so?” Esteban asked.
“I wasn’t a great shot to begin with, but I really had a hard time aiming when I pulled the trigger last time. Frankly I was as surprised as anybody that I actually hit the guy in the head.” Lisa said with a shrug.
The first two Explorers continued to snake back and forth across the road. By the time they were halfway there the last two Explorers were beginning to weave as well. Lisa sighed, “Well I think we’ve got our answer. Now we’re all driving like we’re drunk.”
“Is this going to get worse?” Esteban asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s a tradeoff. I mean we can survive almost any injury except to the head. Maybe whatever makes us so tough to kill also takes away our coordination.” Lisa exhaled noisily in frustration. “Either way we stick with the plan. Just don’t drive too fast. The last thing I want is to get in a car wreck and be messed up where I can’t move or anything.”
The four Explorers parked at a farmhouse a mile north of Colton’s home. “Why don’t we slip inside and grab a bite to tide us over?” Esteban smirked.
“Okay but we have to be quick. No telling how long we have until Colton gets home.” Lisa responded.
They all piled out of their SUV’s and walked up the driveway. When they reached the door Esteban knocked, “Fire department. We had a report of a gas leak.” There was no answer, and so Esteban knocked harder, “This is the Livingston Parish Fire Department. We had a report of a gas leak in your area. We need to inspect your gas line.”
There was the sound of a chain being removed, and then several locks were disengaged. Finally the door opened, and an old woman peered out. She was easily ninety. Her hair was thinning and white, liver spots covered her body. Thick glasses that made her eyes look enormous stared back out of the doorway at Esteban. Her voice trembled a little as she asked sweetly, “Can I help you.”
Esteban leapt through the doorway and tackled the old woman. They landed with a hard crunch as her ribs gave way under the weight of the much larger man. The others stormed their way into the house. They immediately went scrambling throughout the house looking for anyone else. Peanut found her husband snoring in his La-Z-Boy with Law and Order on the television. He leapt on top of the man, biting his face as the recliner tipped over. The grandfatherly man screamed as teeth scraped the skin off of his forehead. Two more pounced on the old man. His screams stopped before the show went to commercial.
They found their son and his wife asleep in one of the guest bedrooms. They were asleep, but still sweaty from lovemaking. T-Dot and Freddy pounced on them, and most of the rest joined them. They screamed as the zombies attacked. White sheets were soaked with blood long before they finished. When they finally pulled away it was impossible to tell where one person began and another ended. The bodies were ripped apart so thoroughly that it really looked more like a Rorschach than a husband and wife.
“Damn…old lady was kind of stringy, but she tasted good.” Esteban said as he dipped his finger into her skull to scrape out the last bit of brain matter.
“Tell me about it.” Peanut laughed. He had her husband’s head on the kitchen table. Peanut was scooping out the man’s brain on tortilla chips and eating it like salsa.
Lisa and the others had just about stripped their victims to the bone when they finally came back into the kitchen. They milled around waiting for the two firemen to finish eating when there came a sound from the bathroom. Someone, or something had knocked over the toothbrush holder, and it rattled around in the sink.
They all moved to the bathroom door. Lisa knocked, “Is someone in there? Hello?”
There was a terrified gasp from inside. Esteban pushed Lisa out of the way, and kicked the door in. There was nothing to be seen. Esteban walked in and pulled the shower curtains away, but the shower was empty. He searched around the bathroom. Then looked at the small open window that sat over the toilet, “I guess whoever it was slipped out?”
He walked out, and then headed towards the front door. The others followed except for Lisa. She eyed the bathroom suspiciously, and then stepped inside. She looked around at everything. The toothbrush holder was tipped over into the sink. The window was open, but it wasn’t open enough that someone could actually have climbed out. It was clear that someone had been using the toilet, and they hadn’t flushed. Lisa thought about it for another moment, and then a smile came across her face. Lisa bent over and opened the cabinet under the sink. A terrified five year old girl peered back up at her. Her brown eyes were red from crying, and she had snot running down her nose.
“What’s your name Sweetie?”
“Billie Ann.” The little girl’s voice squeaked with fear.
“Well hello Billie Ann. I’m Lisa Kaye.” Lisa said politely as she stuck her hand out for the girl to shake. Tiny fingers reached out and nervously shook the woman’s hand. “Now stay here. Okay?”
Billie Ann sniffled a little, then wiped her nose on her sleeve and nodded, “Thank you.”
Lisa grinned back, and closed the cabinet door. Then she walked back calmly to Esteban and the others. “If anyone’s interested there’s a kid hiding under the bathroom sink. I’d have eaten her myself, but frankly I just don’t have the room.”
Peanut, Freddy, T-Dot, and eight others scrambled back to the bathroom. Seconds later Billie Ann started screaming. It was T-Dot that pulled most of her out. Billie Ann’s legs, and one of her arms were still in the bathroom with some of the others. T-Dot carried her screaming to the kitchen island, and laid her down so he could grab the meat cleaver from the block set of cutlery. He held it by its smooth wooden handle, and grinned as the square blade gleamed in the light. T-Dot looked at it for a moment longer before bringing it down on the girls remaining arm. It cut clean, severing the bone in one hit. T-Dot took the arm and handed it to Peanut. Blood spurted from the girl from each bloody stump. The floor was already slick with blood by the time the rest of the group made it to the kitchen. Some of them slipped and fell, and instead of getting up they just started licking the blood off the floor.
“Shit tastes like Pine-Sol.” Freddy grumbled.
“The old lady was probably cleaning when we showed up.” T-Dot said as he pointed to a mop and bucket sitting near the refrigerator. “So? Who wants a sandwich before we go?” Several of the men raised their hands. “Freddy, the bread is right there by your head. Bring it over.” T-Dot set the cleaver down and grabbed another knife. He then went over and checked the drawers until he found a fork. When he came back Billie Ann was still screaming. She only got louder as he began carving her like a Thanksgiving turkey. His cuts weren’t perfect, and a few times he accidently cut himself. Eventually everyone that wanted some had a few slices of Billie Ann on wheat. T-Dot took the knife and fork to the sink and cleaned them before putting them back in place. Then he picked the cleaver up and walked back to the girl.
“P-p-please mister…it hurts so ba-“ The cleaver came down severing her head from her neck in one clean cut.
“You just can’t beat quality.” T-Dot grinned as he pulled the girl’s head away to snack on during the walk to Colton’s He set the head down beside the sink, and then cleaned the cleaver so that he could put it back like he’d found it.
Lula Mae McCultie didn’t know what to make of it when the first wave of pain hit her. Her momma had told her young girls bodies go through changes as they get older, but she’d never said what those changes would be. She watched shock as the bones in her arms started to lengthen. Fur ruptured through the skin, and she felt her teeth loosen only to be replaced with fangs. So does this mean I’m a woman now? It was the last recognizable thought she’d have for the rest of the night. The change came over her like a wave. She felt her bones grind as they changed to better accommodate her new body. Her muscles grew thicker and heavier as they adjusted to their new positions. Bones broke and reknitted into new places.
When the changes stopped she rose. The television slid off of her and hit the floor with a crash. The screen was broke, and the plastic casing broke into several pieces exposing the wiring inside. Lula Mae was just slightly over six feet tall and had put on almost sixty pounds of muscle. Hunger gnawed at her. There was still half of her mother laying on the floor. Jessup had eaten the choicest parts. Her intestines were spread all through the living room. Lula Mae bent down and started gnawing on her mother’s leg. After a few bites she gave it a good hard yank. The femur gave a distinct pop as the bone snapped. She kept pulling and the leg tore away. Lula Mae’s tongue circled the bone a few times before she started sucking the marrow out.
She’d have kept eating, but there was a low growl behind her. Lula Mae turned slowly. Towering over her was Jessup. His wolf eyes bored into her, and a snarl warned of a very possible attack. Lula Mae averted her eyes and instinctively submitted to the much larger werewolf. She wanted to run, but knew he’d chase her down. So she waited.
Jessup huffed, and then walked past. She followed him, and resumed eating her mother’s leg. They walked out of the home and listened for any hint of people. Jessup’s ears twitched and he heard off in the distance music. Both werewolves started moving off to the sound. Suddenly there was a rattling behind them. Jessup and Lula May turned and stared into the darkness.
“Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapt!” It grunted as it moved out of the darkness towards them. The creature was white as snow, and covered with fur. It’s little pink eyes were constantly searching. It made its way up to Jessup and came to a stop beside his foot. It was the size of a large dog. It had long claws, fangs that hung out of its mouth and drug across the ground. Leathery armor was covered by a puffball of white fur. It was an albino zombie werewolf armadillo. If Lula Mae had been able of forming a coherent thought she might have realized that it was Digger, her pet armadillo. Somehow the infection had been spread to the little armadillo. Of course he wasn’t little anymore. The moon was affecting him just as it had Jessup and Lula Mae.
It stood there waiting on the two undead werewolves to lead the way. After a few moments, Jessup turned back and started making his way to the sound of music. Lula Mae followed shortly after, and Digger brought up the rear. The music was barely audible, and that was with their enhanced senses. Jessup waded into the water, and then started plodding through the swamp towards the sounds source. Lula Mae followed, and then Digger reached the water. He began swallowing air in huge mouthfuls until his stomach had swollen up. Then he moved out onto the water. Diggers comparatively tiny legs kicked and churned the water as he moved along with the two werewolves. They were three quarters of the way there when an alligator snatched Digger and drug him down. The water churned and splashed, but eventually it stopped.
Jessup and Lula Mae never slowed down. They were headed for more food. When they reached dry land again they shook the water off. They were about to continue on when an alligator’s head rose up from the water and moved up past them. Jessup and Lula Mae watched in mild interest as the gator head kept moving past them. The gator’s body was nowhere to be seen. It passed by Jessup when the head got stuck on a root. Digger kept walking, and the armadillo walked right out of the gator’s mouth.
They were at the edge of the tree line when they saw them. It was a party of teenagers. Loud music was blaring out into the night air. Most of the teenagers had surrounded a keg. The kids were a cross section from thirteen to nineteen mostly white, but there were a few black kids, a couple Hispanics, and one Asian kid mulling around. The party looked as though it’d been going on for quite a while, and now they were just starting to break off into smaller groups. Some of the older teen couples were trying to find dark places to spend time together. The younger couples just made out wherever they stood.
Drake and Jade Shannon were leaned up against one of the older teens cars. Their parents were away for a romantic getaway and Travis Nowell, their uncle, was here to look after them. Of course his babysitting skills really just amounted to sitting in front of a television, drinking beer until he couldn’t remember what day it was, and then telling the two teenagers to order pizza.
“Drake…man this is a hella cool party.” One of the younger teens said as he eyed Drake’s sister Jade. She turned fifteen six months ago, and since then she’d begun to develop curves that were getting her all kinds of attention from the boys. Everyone that saw her knew she’d be beautiful when she grew up. Right now she was still all arms and legs, but she was growing into those limbs, and starting to really fill out in areas that made all her brothers friends feel pleasantly uncomfortable.
“Yeah, we’re gonna get in trouble for it later, but hey…yolo.” Drake answered as if that explained the broken table in the kitchen, the vomit the goldfish were currently swimming through in the living room aquarium, the broken bedroom window, or the empty condom wrappers sitting in the living room ashtray.
“Besides, Uncle Travis is going to get blamed for it. He was supposed to be watching us.” Jade grinned.
Almost as if on cue Travis stepped out of the house and lumbered past them all without even so much as a hello. He kept walking towards the outhouse muttering to himself about the evilness of tacos on his digestive tract. The teens watched the man come to a stop, made a face, and then he began a quick duck waddle to the outhouse. He swung open the outhouse door, and inside were two teens. A muscular young man was grinning as a pretty black girl straddled him. She was very thin with rainbow colored butterfly wings tattooed on her butt cheeks and antenna going up her back He had his pants around his ankles, and she was bouncing up and down. As she bounced it looked as though the butterfly was fluttering its wings. Several of the other teens applauded as though it was some type of reality show for their entertainment. The boyfriend stuck two thumbs up to the others.
“Get the fuck out.” Travis screamed, and then clutched his stomach as his stomach made a gurgling sound.
“Two minutes dude…I’m about to pop.” The boy begged. The girl just flipped Travis off and kept bouncing on her boyfriend’s lap.
Travis couldn’t wait he pushed his way past the couple, undid his pants as fast as he could, and then promptly plopped himself onto the other outhouse hole. His ass had barely made contact with the wood when diarrhea erupted out of him like the exhaust of a rocket. It was loud, wet, and he whimpered a little as it burned his butthole.
“EWWW that’s so gross.” The girl said as she continued bouncing. She was like a pornographic metronome. The door was standing wide open, and all the other teens burst out laughing. Some laughed as they watched the one man doubled over crapping himself hollow, and the others laughed watching the rainbow colored “asswings” flutter.
“Babe I’m getting close.” The boy grunted as he started firing his hips up and down. The sudden increase in speed made the girl start moaning and howling in pleasure. Meanwhile Travis was moaning and howling himself. The diarrhea was fueled by hot sauce, peppers, and a nacho cheese dip that had fourteen different colored flames on the dented can he found tucked away in the back of one of the cabinets. It was unrelenting, and only getting worse with each second.
“OOOoooooh Baby.” The girl screamed.
Travis howled, “oooooOOOH Baby!”
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” The girl squealed.
“No! No! No!” Travis groaned.
“Give it to me!” The girl pounded herself down on the young man’s crotch. Every time she came down there was a meaty slap, and the wings fluttered.
Jade, Drake, and all most of the other teens were laughing so hard at the bizarre outhouse version of dueling banjos that they didn’t notice that Lula Mae and Jessup were walking out of the tree line towards them. Digger rumbled along beside the two werewolves like a giant soggy puffball of death.
“Yeah David…tear Shamaine’s pussy up!” Drake laughed.
The young woman was howling and writhing all over her boyfriend. Travis kept getting bumped by the two eighteen year olds. He had to clench every time they bumped him or else he risked missing the whole and crapping all over the outhouse seat. His stomach cramped painfully with each clench. So he matched the girl moan for groan. The louder she got, the louder he got, and the more the others laughed.
“She’s faking.” Jade rolled her eyes.
“What?” Her brother laughed.
Jade shrugged, “Shamaine’s faking, and not even doing a very good job of it.”
“It’d be good enough for me.” Drake said as he wiped the tears from his yes. Travis’ legs kicked and a loud tuba blast of gas and shit bellowed out. Drake watched as the man’s eyes bugged out of his head, and then they crossed as the deep bass blast coming from his butt turned into a high pitched squeak.
“Oh-oh-oh!” Shamaine grunted with each thrust. Her head flung back and forth and she beat the outhouse wall. “It’s so big!”
“Ow-ow-ow!” Travis was actually crying. He pounded his fist against the wooden seat. “It’s so big!”
“Oh baby here it comes!” David groaned and began spurting deep inside his girlfriend.
“Oh baby here it comes!” Terence said through gritted teeth as his sphincter strained under the giant blasts of fecal matter spraying everywhere from the outhouse pit.
Shamaine pumped herself up and down as she milked every drop from her boyfriend. “Oh baby that was so good.” She kissed her boyfriend, and then she reached over and slapped Travis in the head, “Asshole. Couldn’t you see we were having a romantic moment?”
“Since when is it romantic for a meathead to bang a cheap slut in an outhouse bathroom?” Travis groaned. Shit was still pouring out of him like a flood. He tried to duck and dodge her blows, but instead Travis ended up misaligned with the hole, and crap began flooding across the seat. It oozed over and touched David’s hand.
“Eww!” David screamed as he jumped up. Shamaine’s head banged against the outhouse ceiling. She slipped off her boyfriend and landed face first in Travis’s crotch. The wooden seat gave way and Travis slid deeper into the hole. Shamaine’s head was wedged between his legs and his stomach. As she fell screaming, her mouth was open. It landed on David’s penis. With all her moans and pants he was mostly erect. Of course once he felt her soft lips and warm mouth he shot up hard as a rock.
Shamaine tried to pull away, but she was stuck. The more she tried to pull away, the more her head bobbed up and down, and the harder Travis got. Shamaine tried to brace herself against the wooden seat, but it was slick with shit, and her hands kept slipping and sliding. Travis was still suffering from violent diarrhea and as her head bobbed and shook, it made what was already a steady stream of pain turn into a violent flood of fecal matter.
Shamaine panicked and tried to push herself off from the man. Her crap covered hands pressed against his face and leg. Travis screamed as he smelled the stench coming off her fingers, and at that moment her hand slipped. Filthy fingers slipped into his mouth. Almost immediately his stomach lurched and rolled from nausea. Seconds later vomit was spewing out. The other teens groaned as they watched it spray out. Shamaine felt his puke pouring onto the back of her head. She became desperate and started pulling and jerking away. Her hands scrambled all over his body as she tried to get away. Her mouth bobbed up and down and twisted in all directions as she tried to remove herself. Her fecal covered hands poked him in the eyes, nose, ears, and then found his mouth two or three more times.
“David! It looks like Shamaine likes my uncle even better than you!” Drake yelled and all the other teens howled in laughter.
David glared at the older man, “That’s my girl!” He started punching the man in the face. Every time that David’s fist pounded into the other man’s nose, Travis’ head would bang against the back wall. The first punch broke his nose, the fifth punch had it permanently flattened to the side. Blood ran down his face, mixed with the vomit that was still coming out of his mouth, and coated down his chest and onto Shamaine.
Travis couldn’t stop upchucking long enough to beg for the man to stop. Instead he tried to cover his face and thrust his hips out of the hole to get out. Instead what happened was he worked himself deeper with every pump of the hips. A side effect was that now he was actively driving his penis deeper into Shamaine’s unhappy lips. She tried to scream in fear, but it was muffled by Travis’ body so instead it sounded like she was making happy yum sounds. Her sounds made David angrier, and so he punched Travis harder. Travis tried more desperately to escape, and ended up thrusting even faster and deeper into Shamaine’s mouth. Shamaine screamed even louder because of this, but it sounded as though she was enjoying it even more. Which just made David more angry. It became a vicious cycle that continued right up until one of Travis’ eyes fluttered, his mouth twisted to the side like he was having a stroke, and he displayed one of the worst orgasm faces in the history of ever. Shamaine felt him splashing against the back of her throat, and for the first time since she found herself in this predicament…she was completely quiet. The shock of what happened outweighed the frustration of being stuck like that. David however renewed his assault on Travis’ face, but nothing could get the man’s orgasm face to go away.
Digger’s armadillo growl got everyone’s attention. David spun around, and screamed. The armadillo’s legs churned. Clumps of dirt were kicked up as Digger accelerated. When Digger hit David he was going almost thirty miles an hour. He hammered into David’s stomach, driving him backwards and onto Travis’ lap. Shamaine’s head was sandwiched between her boyfriend’s butt and Travis’ crotch. Digger hit so hard that David’s bladder and bowels evacuated all over Travis and Shamaine. Digger’s claws began tearing his way down through David’s lap. His penis was shredded like into confetti within seconds. The armadillo kept going with single minded aggression.
The other teenagers tried to run away, but it was already too late. Lula Mae tackled a couple making out and snapped their necks before moving on to the next. She never lingered, and had five teens down in less than a minute. The lucky ones were torn to bits and either died from the sudden trauma or blood loss. The unlucky ones had the misfortune of their attacker lingering to use his claws like a cheese grater and shred them to pieces. Most of them barely got a few feet before being brought down like a gazelle on a nature show. Some might have had a chance, but they made the mistake of running together in groups.
Lula Mae was darting left and right while Jessup kept pressing in on them. They herded most of the remaining teens up beside the house. No matter where they tried to go either Lula Mae or Jessup was right there growling and snapping at them. When they were all huddled up together as tightly packed as possible, Jessup picked up the keg. The werewolf lifted it high over his head and threw the still mostly full keg almost forty feet into the crowd of people. It had all the zip on it of a major league fastball, and hammered into them like a cannonball. They never even had time to move out of the way. The impact burst the keg. The first victims died instantly. The teens in the back were crushed. Beer and blood sprayed everywhere. The bits of keg were like shrapnel and tore through their bodies. When the mist of beer and blood settled, the teens were piled on the ground. Most of them were dead. The ones that weren’t dead were so crippled and injured that they could barely move. Now that they couldn’t run away Lula Mae took her time peeling the skin off of them in strips and eating it like they were her own personal human fruit roll-ups.
The only two so far unscathed were Drake and Jade Shannon. Brother and Sister made the unfortunate decision to stick together, and scrambled for the trees. Jessup leapt and came down just in front of the teens. Drake screamed, and Jessup swiped his claws across the young man’s face. Drake’s voice suddenly went from shrill to a bloody gurgle. Drake’s jaw was missing. A flood of blood ran down his shirt. The young teen felt around at the emptiness where the lower half of his face should have been. The werewolf picked up Drake and swung him like a bat. He slammed into his sister, and Jessup let go. They both went tumbling across the lawn. Jade screamed hysterically as she clawed her way out from under her brother. Jessup snatched her by the hair and gave a hard yank. Jade continued trying to scream as several vertebrae in her neck broke under the pressure. The werewolf twisted her beautiful blonde hair in his claw, and then he gave one more massive yank. Jade’s head tore away and dangled in front of her brother’s face. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before her eyes became dull and dead.
Drake started to scramble away, but that’s when Jessup started using Jade’s head and hair as a flail. Jade’s head crashed down between her brother’s shoulders. Jessup swung the girl’s head over and over. Each time it broke something else in her brother. Jade’s features were mashed and deformed with each blow. Jessup gave one last swing, and Jade’s smashed against her brother’s head. Both skulls cracked open. Jessup knelt over the bodies and lapped the brain out with his long tongue.
Digger was tunneling down through David’s lap. He ripped a hole through the man’s groin, and kept going until his claws started tearing their way out of the man’s ass. Digger had dug most of the way through the man’s groin, and his claws started cutting through the back of Shamaine’s head. The pain of those sharp claws tearing into her skull caused Shamaine to bite down. Travis screamed in agony as Shamaine severed the man’s penis with her teeth.
Digger finally broke through the back of the woman’s skull. He shoved his face into the back of her head and started taking huge bites. Shamaine’s body jerked and twitched through her death spasms. Blood spurted from Travis’ groin with each beat of his heart. The blood coated Shamaine’s face. Digger kept happily eating the young woman’s brain. David stared down in horror as the armadillo had dug all the way through his lap. Half of Digger was still sticking out from his ruined crotch. His armadillo tail wagged back and forth as he enjoyed his meal. As soon as he finished the last scrap of her brain matter, Digger resumed clawing his way down. He went through Shamaine’s skull, and then started tunneling through Travis’ lap. A minute later Digger had made his way through the man, and fell down into the outhouse pit. Blood ran down through the hole. David and Travis were both getting lightheaded from blood loss. That’s when Digger shot back up.
He hit Travis and started tunneling his way up through Travis’ torso. Travis screamed in agony. Blood and shredded internal organs sprayed out like diarrhea from the giant hole Digger had made in the man. Travis finally stopped making sound when Digger reached the heart. After taking his time with the heart, Digger resumed moving up to the brain.
David was still conscious, but only barely. Travis’ screams ended, but now David could hear a wet sucking sound as the armadillo pushed his way through the man’s body. David knew when Digger reached the brain. He could hear him eating.
“Help…mmmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” David begged the two blurry forms that were now moving towards him. He didn’t even feel the hole in his pelvis anymore. Blood loss made thinking almost impossible. Digger’s growl made David’s eyes open wide. “No.” David said weakly. He leaned forward to try to escape. He shifted forward, but he was wedged in with the other two bodies.
Digger broke through Travis’ face and landed on the back of David’s head. The momentum drove the man face first onto the ground. The armadillo started clawing into the man’s head. David kept begging to the two blurry shapes for help. That’s when one of those shapes stepped down on his elbow. David was aware of a vague sensation of pain as the elbow broke under Jessup’s weight. Jessup then bent over and grabbed the man by the wrist. The werewolf pulled back, and David’s forearm was torn off at the elbow. Jessup began to eat the man’s arm. A few seconds later and Digger’s head was buried in David’s frontal lobe.
“Do you really think B.J. is going to figure out anything?” Colton asked as he drove home.
Bobby shrugged, “She’s smarter than either of us, but that isn’t saying much.”
“Hey! Speak for yourself jackass.” Colton snapped.
Bobby fumbled with his shotgun. Lucy had blood splatter all over the barrel, and would have to be cleaned soon. “Honestly, I don’t know. If nothing else we’ll be able to use whatever she finds out for our trial.”
“Trial?”
“Well what the hell do you think is going to happen when this is all over? I mean we just killed some people…at least as far as the law is concerned. At some point in time someone’s going to investigate this. I’d like to at least have somebody out there explaining why we just shot everybody.”
Colton nodded, “You know what? You’re right. I didn’t even think about how this is going to play out after it’s over, and we aren’t even done yet. We still have to go deal with the people at my station.” Colton’s eyes started watering, “Shit…I’m really not looking forward to that.”
“Don’t worry. Who’s your best buddy in the whole world?”
“My wife.”
Bobby glared at the man, “Okay smartass. She’s not around. You can admit it’s me.”
“But it’s not. I mean you are my second best friend, but if I had to choose between you and her…it’s not even close.”
“Well that’s just cold.” Bobby snapped.
“Don’t be that way Coonass. You have to admit that she can be a hell of a lot more friendly to me than you are. If you catch my drift.”
Bobby grinned mischievously, “Oh well hell if that’s all it is then pull over so I can get me some sweet midget ginger ass.” Then he reached over and gave Colton’s thigh a gentle squeeze.
“What are you doing?”
“Solidifying our friendship…now do you want to pitch or catch.” Bobby said as seriously as possible before doubling over and laughing.
Colton eyed Bobby as he bent over. He waited until the man was as close to the dash as possible, and then slammed on the breaks. Bobby smacked his head off the dash and started cursing. “Fuck that hurt!”
“Sorry.” But the grin on Colton’s face said he wasn’t sorry about it at all.
“You know I’m gonna get you back for that right?”
“You’ll try.” Colton taunted.
Both men eyed one another and then burst out laughing. “Alright you win. I suppose I can handle being second fiddle to Sarah. Hell there are days I like her better than you…so I get it.” Colton rubbed his forehead, “Damn that hurt.”
“I said I was sorry.” This time Colton actually did look the part.
“Don’t sweat it…if things had been reversed I’d have done something similar.”
“You know the pot roast she made is probably still good. I mean it’s gonna be cold, but I bet she’ll microwave it for you.”
Bobby’s eyes glazed over, “Oh…well I do love her cooking. It’s a damn shame she doesn’t have a sister.”
“She has a cousin.” Colton smiled, and then stepped back on the accelerator.
“Oh hell no…I met the cousin.” Bobby made air quotes as he said “the cousin”.
“What?”
“Woman had a body like a dump truck, and smelled twice as bad.” Colton grumbled.
“It’s a glandular condition. Besides, you’d like her if you got to know her.”
“No…it’s a Twinkie condition, and it’s a I don’t know how to use a fucking bar of soap condition. Besides, I met her. Hell I got roped into dancing with her at ya’ll’s wedding. I even lost a toenail because of her two left feet. Worst damn evening of my life.” Bobby grumbled.
“Really?” Colton said. The chubby man looked genuinely hurt by what his friend had said.
“Shit, if gingers ain’t got no souls then why do you cry so damn much.” Bobby saw his best friend’s lower lip quiver, “It wasn’t you that made the wedding suck. You actually looked halfway presentable. The tux removed that creepy oompa loompa vibe you normally give off, and Sarah was beautiful. I mean she’s always beautiful, but…well…hell you were there you know how she looked. It was just a really messed up day for me. I caught Sue in bed with someone that morning…again. She threatened to take B.J. away if I didn’t just suck it up and keep my mouth shut. Then at the last minute she decided that she didn’t want to waste her time at your wedding. So I had to go alone. I wouldn’t have minded but then Sarah put me and the cousin together so the cousin wouldn’t feel left out. I swear I never met a more irritating woman in my life. All she wanted to do was talk about her cats. Not just the ones she still had, but also the dead ones. Have you ever had a two hour conversation about six dead cats. Well I have…and let me be the first to say that it blows duck. Then when I got home I had to sleep on the couch for a month because Sue found one of the cousin’s hairs on my clothing.” Bobby grumbled, and again every time he mentioned “the cousin” he used big air quotes.
“Well you know…there’s always my sister.” Colton grinned.
“Fuck you!” Bobby spat. “I dated that redheaded terror once because you asked me. Never again!”
“But she liked you.”
“NEVER AGAIN! Crazy woman stalked me for two weeks afterwards. She kept calling me at all hours, and threatened damn near any woman that got within ten feet of me. She scared off three clients, and kicked me in the balls when I politely asked her to leave me alone.”
“You called her a crazy bitch and asked if she was on the rag!”
Bobby looked at his friend, and with an expression of dead seriousness, “Trust me…after those two weeks of hell…I was being polite. I held my tongue because were friends Colt…but your sister needs help. The woman’s nuttier than squirrel shit. I know she’s your sister, and I know you love her, but after one date…I can understand why her husband ran off. Hell I’m amazed he stayed around long enough to marry her to begin with. I mean she’s a pretty girl, but pretty only goes so far.”
Colton sighed, “Well she likes you, and I thought maybe you might be willing to give her another shot. She’s mellowed a bit since she moved up to Rocky Branch. She takes her meds now…usually.”
“Do you hear yourself? Even you’re admitting she’s nuts, and you want to saddle me with that crazywoman?”
“Bobby, you and me ain’t getting any younger. I got real lucky, and I know it. I’d like to see you find someone that can make you happy the way Sarah makes me happy. I just thought mayb-“
Bobby interrupted, “I’m not opposed to finding a woman to settle down with. I’m just opposed to dating someone that I already know it won’t work with. Now can we drop this conversation…all this touchy feely crap has me feeling like I’m trapped in a tampon commercial.”
“See…right there! That’s why you can’t find a woman.” Colton turned and faced his friend. “You say these rude inappropriate things, and not just in front of me. You say them in front of everyone. You’re a decent looking guy, or at least you would be if you ever wore anything that didn’t have stains all over it. If you just took ten minutes out of your day to spray some cologne on and maybe let your hair grow out so that you might find a girl that wasn’t crazy, but guess what? You’re a beard, coat, and panel van away from looking like one of those freaks that have to stay a thousand feet away from schools.” When Colton got agitated he talked with his hands, and right now he was making broad sweeping gestures with both hands instead of holding on to the steering wheel. They might have been in serious danger if Bobby hadn’t grabbed the wheel and kept them on the road while his friend finished. Colton just kept on, “And the worst part is that you know you look like you’re crazy. You can’t really complain that all you get are the nuts if all you do is go around looking like a nut yourself. You don’t date anymore, and Sally Mae doesn’t count. That girl would fuck damn near anything if it gave her two minutes of attention. I just don’t want you to be old and alone. You need to find you a woman that can take care of you. B.J.’s going to go out in the world and someday have a husband and a family. She won’t always be able to look after you…you big idiot.” Colton took back the steering wheel and sniffled, “I love you like a brother…and it breaks my heart seeing you all alone like this.”
Bobby sat back in his seat and sighed, “You’re right. I could probably try a little harder to impress the ladies. Hell I only slept with Sally Mae because she came after me and I couldn’t think of a way to get out of it. Colt…the truth is that I’m just not interested in looking anymore. I’ve been married. It was the worst experience of my life. The only thing good about it was B.J., and she isn’t even my blood. I like the idea of having a little woman to come home to, but after all those years with Sue…I also kind of hate the idea. I like not having to worry about who I’m going to find in my bed, or whether my bank account is gonna get cleaned out because my woman decided to run off to the casino with her boyfriend on a whim.”
“You do know that most women aren’t like Sue?” Colton asked as he turned up into his driveway.
“Yeah, but most women aren’t like Sarah either. I’m probably going to always be alone. I’m okay with it…really. Because even if I could trust some woman enough to not screw me over like Sue did…I’d still probably always compare them to your wife, and I ain’t ever met another woman like your wife.”
“She is one of a kind.” Colton smiled.
“Yep, now can we please drop this before you give me an incurable case of pussy-itis!”
“Pussy-itis?”
Bobby grinned, “It’s an incurable disease where you slowly turn into a fat ginger midget that cries like a bitch about everything, and who also cheats on his superhot wife with a bag of donuts.”
“Asshole.” Colton laughed.
The Explorer stopped in the driveway. Both men got out and started walking up to the front door when they heard a woman’s voice, “Sheriff? Sheriff Mudd?”
“Who dat?” Colton asked as he nervously peered out into the darkness. The voice sounded familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it.
“Sheriff Mudd? These people attacked me. I just barely got away, and I ran here. I tripped and fell, can you help me up?” Lisa tried to mask her voice and sound like a much older person. She and the others were laying in the grass right at the edge of the road. It dipped down so the only way anyone would see them is if they walked right up to where it dipped. By then it would be too late. Her men would be all over them like ants on a grasshopper.
Colton started to move towards her voice when Bobby grabbed his shoulder. “What?” Colton asked.
“Remember the bet I made with your wife last year?”
“Which one?”
“The one about the 49ers and Saints game, and if I lost I had to mow your lawn, but if I won she had to wash my truck.”
Colton gave his friend a suspicious glance, “Yeah, now that I think about it…were you just trying to get her to wear something skimpy while she got all soapy and wet?”
Bobby shrugged and whispered, “Yes, but that’s not the point right now. The point is that I mowed this lawn. I even mowed that dip over there. I don’t care how bad she fell, she still could have crawled out and made her way to your door.”
Colton thought about it and then nodded, “Let’s get behind the Explorer for cover.” The two men quietly moved back to the other side of the SUV. “Okay, now come on out of there.”
“Sheriff, I’m hurt. Can’t you come help me?” Lisa made her voice sound scared.
“Nope, not until you come out.” Colton answered.
“But I’m hurt.” Lisa sniffled and sobbed. Altogether it was a pretty good acting job.
“Yeah, and on most nights that would work. I’d come running, but tonight isn’t one of those nights. So you climb out, and when we see who you are then I’ll come over there and help.” Colton pulled out his flashlight and shined it in the direction that he heard her voice. There was a long period of silence before Colton saw one body stand up and start moving towards them. It was followed by two more, and then four more, and then the other nine popped up. “I thought you were alone? Now you hold right there.” The sixteen people just kept walking.
Lisa raised her gun, “Sheriff, why couldn’t you just have taken the easy way?”
*Bang*
The bullet went through the window of the Explorer. Bobby ducked down, and Colton just bent over a little until he was barely peaking over the hood of the SUV. The other fifteen men opened fire. It sounded like someone had lit a pack of firecrackers. Bullets hit all over the Explorer. Lisa and her men weren’t worried about accuracy as much as just pinning the two men down until they could get close enough to bring them down.
Esteban laughed, “Well sheriff, it looks like fire’s about to finally kick the police’s ass.”
“Dammit Lisa,” Colton yelled, “I could handle you trying to eat me, but siding with the fire department…that’s just fucked up.”
“Just keep making jokes. You’re about to be just like us.” Lisa laughed.
Bobby leaned his shotgun over the hood of the Explorer, “I ain’t gonna be no fucking zombie.” He pulled the trigger, and Lucy belched out fire and lead. About half of it went into the hood of the explorer, and the other half went out at their attackers. Some of the pellets hit the men, one even hit Lisa in the shoulder. She jerked from the impact, but otherwise felt nothing.
Lisa grinned wickedly. “Oh don’t worry. We’re only changing him because he’s useful. You’re nothing more than a midnight snack.”
Colton and Bobby fired back, but neither could take aim. So they weren’t any real threat.
“Bobby, if I don’t make it…take care of Sarah for me.” Colton said as he changed magazines in his gun. He could tell by the sound of the gunfire that they were almost on top of them. After they got him they’d kill Bobby, and then probably kill Sarah…if they hadn’t already. They didn’t want to kill him, so he was planning on jumping out and shooting as many of them as he could before they put him down. Maybe he’d draw enough fire away that Bobby could kill the rest and keep Sarah safe…if she was still alive.
“Really?” Bobby said with a wolf-like grin. “You thinking of dying on me Colt? Because if you do I’m gonna hump the shit out of Sarah first chance I get.” Bobby didn’t mean it, but he couldn’t think of any way to get the look of resignation out of his best friends face. He’d known the man most of his life, and while he wasn’t sure what the man had in mind, he knew his friend was thinking something stupid. “I’m telling you Colt, you die on me and I’ll be working my Coonass magic on her.”
Colton looked angrily at his friend for a moment, and then grinned, “Maybe you really are my best friend.”
“Well hell yeah. Now whatever you were thinking, get that shit out of your head right now. We got us some fucking zombies to kill.” Bobby grinned back, “Besides…the underwear I’m wearing have holes in them. If I’m gonna go console your wife properly then I need to go to Wal-mart and pick me up a few new pair so I look sexy.”
Colton laughed as he pulled the trigger, “Fuck…after hearing that I plan on living forever.”
Bobby kept firing Lucy and grinned, “Well shit I thought you might. Guess I’ll have to just learn to live with the disappointment.”
Colton’s gun emptied and he reached for another magazine. Unfortunately he was completely out. “Shit, I’m dry.”
“Well you didn’t have to tell them that did you?” Bobby screamed over the gunfire. “I mean shit! At least point the gun at them and say pew-pew or something. Make them figure that out. Damn idiot gingers!” Colton pulled the trigger one last time. His final shell…was a dud. “Ain’t that a bitch!”
Lisa and her fellow zombies reached the Explorer, “Well boys, your luck just ran out.”
That’s when the front door opened, and Sarah stepped out. She was wearing a black bustier, stockings, a matching thong, and six inch heels. “STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN YOU BITCH!” She was holding the Winchester model 1892, or as Colton called it…the Rifleman gun, and just like Chuck Connors she swung the gun out and around. The whole gun twirled by the modified saddle ring, and it made a complete circle as the bullet was fed into the chamber.
*Bang*
Esteban Martinez dropped like someone had just pulled the plug on the man. Lisa kept moving towards Colton and Bobby, but the other men turned their attention to the six-foot sexy blond wielding the lever action rifle. Whether it was because of how she looked, or because she was the only one that was still a threat is anyone’s guess. Even Bobby and Colton stood up and watched her. They’d almost completely forgotten about the gunfight and were instead watching in amazement as the beautiful blonde stood there taking on the entire group of zombies. As the zombies began pointing their guns at her, Sarah braced the Winchester against the inside of her thigh and began pumping the lever back and forth. Fifteen rounds, fifteen headshots, less than three seconds. Each blast of the Winchester sent recoil against her thigh. The recoil travelled through her body, and made her breasts jiggle.
“Stop staring at my wife’s tits Bobby.” Colton said, but even he was still locked onto them.
“I’m trying.” Bobby responded, and he really was trying, but right now the sight of her was just too much for him. For a brief moment he knew exactly what it was like to be a moth trapped by the almost hypnotic call of the bug light.
“Colton! Bobby! Look out!” Sarah screamed, but then realized the two men were still staring dreamily at her chest. “Boys.” She grunted while throwing the Winchester at the back of Lisa’s head. The rifle twirled in space and then smacked the woman right between the shoulder blades just as she was about to shoot Bobby in the chest. Instead the impact made her jerk, and the bullet clipped part of Bobby’s left earlobe.
“Ow…motherfucker!” Bobby screamed. He was brought back to reality. The bullet only grazed the man’s earlobe, but it was enough to remove the tip.
Lisa pointed the gun, this time it was aimed for Colton’s head. Bobby flipped Lucy around, and grabbed her by the barrel, and then swung it as hard as he could. It knocked the gun away. Bobby then swung again and connected with Lisa’s jaw. It sent her sprawling backwards across the front lawn. It broke her jaw, but the impact also broke the stock on Lucy. Bobby leaned down and picked up the pistol in one hand, and held Lucy in the other. He looked at the broken stock sadly, and then dropped the shotgun on the ground.
Lisa realized the tide had turned, and began trying to crawl away. She could always make more of her kind to come back later and finish them off. Bobby walked behind her taking careful aim for the back of the woman’s head, “Colton? What’s that number thingy you say when someone is ready for work?”
“10-8. Why?”
“And what’s the one when you’re logging off?” Bobby asked.
“10-7.”
Bobby grinned, “10-8.”
*Bang*
“10-7.” Bobby laughed. The bullet tore through the back of Lisa’s skull. The hollow point expanded as he progressed. By the time it exited out the front of her forehead just above her nose, the brain was reduced to something the consistency of potted meat. Brain matter and blood oozed out onto the lawn. Lisa never moved again. “Huh…that was a good one right? 10-8….10-7”
Colton stuck his hand out and shook it a little, “You need work on the delivery. Plus, asking for the codes beforehand made it kind of anticlimactic.”
“So you’re saying I should have stuck with a blonde joke or something? “ Bobby asked.
“Probably.” Colton grinned.
Sarah watched the two men and shook her head before turning back to walk inside, “I wasn’t expecting company. I’ll go put on something more appropriate. I put the pot roast in the fridge. You know where the microwave is, and don’t leave the guns out here.” Bobby and Colton watched her walk back in the house.
“Stop looking at my wife’s ass.” Colton grumbled.
“I’m trying.”
“Let me help you.” Colton smiled as he rabbit-punched his friend right in the family jewels.
Bobby grunted and fell to his knees before slowly falling to his side. His face hurt, his nose hurt, his earlobe was bleeding and hurt, and now his balls hurt, but somehow he still managed a big goofy smile. “You know I’m gonna get you back for this.”
“You’ll try.”
“I love you Bella.” Edward gasped.
“I love you more Bella.” Jacob said as he pushed his brother out of the way to pick up one end of the body bag.
“Which one of you lying bastards stole my Twinkies?” Bella asked as she shoveled another handful of Cracker Jacks into her mouth. As her hand moved away a couple of pieces were stuck to the mustache she’d forgotten to shave this morning. She was an unusually hairy woman. In school some of the kids called her Chewbacca, and even now she couldn’t watch Star Wars without getting pissed off. At almost three hundred and twenty pounds she was anything but dainty. Her floral print muumuu hung down to her cankles. She couldn’t find a woman’s shoe to fit her, and so she always wore a man’s extra-extra-large flip-flop.
“It was Edward.” Jacob said instinctively. The bald fat man feared his sister’s wrath more than anything, and she could be particularly vicious when food was involved. His acne scarred face might have made a thinner man look more distinguished, or at least unique, but on Jacob it just enhanced his less than stellar features. The nose that was too small for his giant round face. He had no real distinctive bone structure whatsoever. The man was four hundred pounds if he was an ounce, and when you looked at him and saw the quintuple chin and fat rolls you could only think that someone just shaved a pug and put clothes on it.
“No, it was Jacob.” Edward said in his strangely effeminate voice. When comparing Edward with his sister Bella and his brother Jacob, people often made two comments. They often assumed Edward was adopted. Bella and Jacob were both supersized individuals, but Edward was so thin as to be almost anorexic. The second thing they said, though rarely to the Meyers themselves, was that Edward was so skinny because Bella and Jacob ate all the food.
Edward was definitely their brother, because as their long dead father explained it many times after trying to drink his weight in rotgut whiskey, “I killed that rabbit at the Skynyrd concert in 1973. It was a beautiful night. Your mama was wearing her best cutoffs, and I still had my hair. Freebird was playing and we’d found this nice little secluded spot behind the Porta Potties. Oh it was a magical night.” Sometimes the man’s eyes would water and he’d talk about how much he missed their mother, and other times he’d yell, “Birth control my ass! Lying bitch!”
No…Edward was definitely related. He just didn’t look it. Bella and Jacob were huge in comparison. Edward was rail thin, and pale, but otherwise he could have passed for a fairly handsome man. At least a person would have thought that until they tried to look him in the eyes. Edward had a lazy eye that just sort of wandered around. It creeped out most people, and so Bella normally handled the face to face conversations. Her unibrow might match her mustache some days, but people handled that much better than her brother’s creepy wandering eye that just never seemed to stop rolling around in his head. Edward’s mother had tried to take him to a doctor, but her husband never wanted to spend the money. After his father was stabbed to death at a company picnic over a game of cornhole his mother took him to the doctor, but they told her there wasn’t much they could do by then.
“Well one of you is lying. Now which one is it?” Bella tried to look angry, but unfortunately she’d tried botox a few years ago and it paralyzed most of the muscles in her face. It wasn’t so bad that it just hung slack like a stroke victim, but she couldn’t really show any emotional expression. It’d made judging her moods much more difficult for the two brothers. Eventually they learned to just go by the tone of her voice, and right now her voice was deadly serious.
“He did it!” Both men screamed accusingly.
Bella shook her head, “Fine! Jacob…go inside and grab me something from the sweets aisle. I’m getting weak with hunger.”
“Okay.” Jacob dropped his end of the body bag. If Achmed still had a head, it would have smacked the concrete parking lot right then. Instead the few remnants of a head landed first giving a wet splat from inside the bag. Achmed’s shoulder’s hit next, and because Edward wasn’t a very strong man, the rest of Achmed slipped out of his hands and ended up on the ground.
Bella hissed, “Idiot! Don’t drop them. We have to take these bodies over to the M.E. We won’t get paid if you aren’t careful.”
Edward pointed at Jacob, “Why are you blaming me? He dropped the body.”
“He’s doing something more important right now. So stop being useless and get that body in the station wagon.” Edward grabbed the body bag and slid it across the ground. He wasn’t able to pick the man up all by himself. He got to the rear door of the station wagon and let it down. Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to get Achmed into the back by himself. Bella groaned, “God, you’re such a wuss. Can’t you be a real man like Jacob.”
At that time Jacob was coming back out of the gas station carrying a sack of donuts candies, and other sweets. “Yeah, be a man…like me. Just look at my sexy abs.” Jacob patted his gigantic belly. There wasn’t even a hint that the man was joking.
“Mmmmm…hot.” Bella tried to grin at her brother, but again the lack of any real control over her facial muscles just resulted in her looking slightly reptilian.
“Here’s your sweets Bella.” He handed her the sack, and gave her a kiss. It wasn’t the chaste kiss on the cheek like any brother might give his sister. It was the intimate kiss that a boyfriend might give his girlfriend. It even culminated in his tongue giving a probing sweep of the inside of Bella’s mouth. Edward eyed the two jealously. Today was a clearly a Jacob day. That’s how it worked with Bella. Some days she liked Jacob, and other days she preferred Edward. There was no real rhyme or reason for it, but she could change on a dime without the slightest hint of warning. So both men generally waited their turn, and enjoyed their sister’s affections as they came. In the meanwhile they both tried not to kill one another out of jealousy. On some days Bella was willing to enjoy the company of both brothers equally. That was usually the only time they all got along.
Jacob went to help his older brother, “Come on small fry, let a man show you how it’s done.”
“Mmm-hmm, and what a man.” Bella grinned and grabbed Jacob’s ass just as he lifted Achmed. Unfortunately the sudden goosing startled her brother, and he dropped Achmed unceremoniously back to the pavement. There was a very audible pop. Some bone must have broken. “You moron!” Bella screamed and slapped Jacob in the back of the head.
“You goosed me! What did you think I’d end up doing?” Jacob snapped.
“You still shouldn’t have dropped him. Now shut up and load him in the back with the others.” Bella ordered. “Edward honey…would you like to drive?”
The winds of change had blown to favor Edward again. The skinny man grinned and answered, “Only if you sit in front with me my little chicken wing.”
Bella giggled and then waddled to the passenger seat. Edward scrambled to open the door for her. As she sat down the whole station wagon shifted until it was leaning to one side. Then Edward ran around to the driver’s side and slipped in. He turned the key and the station wagon puttered to life. Cold air conditioning swept through the car. It was so cold that Edward shivered a little, but Bella reached over and turned it even colder. To her it still felt like a furnace. “Give me some sugar.” Bella demanded.
Edward leaned over and kissed his sister, he cringed a little when he tasted tobacco. Bella didn’t smoke, so he knew he was getting remnants of Jacob’s last kiss. Meanwhile, Jacob finished sliding Achmed into place in the back. The station wagon was packed full of bodies. He slammed the back door, and glanced at the lettering.
Nightlight Transport
Deceased Body Removal
Bella S. M yer – Lead Trans ort And Presid nt – Co-Own r
Edward C. Me er – Ass stant Associa e Transport And Associate Creative Co sultant – Co-O ner
Jacob B. eyer – Assistant Associate T ansport And Web Design – o-Owner
“Scoop and Scoot! Meeting all your body transport needs since 2004.”
The lettering was getting old. Some of the letters were even missing. He’d need to do some touchups to it sometime soon. Jacob pulled on the back door twice to make sure it was secure. He didn’t want another incident like last week where he and Jacob ended up spending an hour trying to pick up bodies that slipped out accidently on the highway. The back door opened and the two bodies had slipped out while doing seventy. The body bags practically exploded when they hit the asphalt, and the two poor dead souls inside hadn’t fared much better. Luckily those two had been ejected from a motorcycle and then ran over a couple of times. So Bella was able to explain all the injuries away as being part of the accident. Even then the M.E. had given them a look that said he didn’t believe them. So from now on Jacob was extra careful to make sure it didn’t happen again.
Jacob slipped into the backseat behind Bella. The car went from leaning, to nearly dragging on one side. Over seven hundred pounds on the passenger side had the station wagon severely unbalanced. Considering they had over a thousand pounds of bodies stuffed in the back between the two cops, the headless woman, the three people they scraped off the gas station parking lot, the leftovers of the man stuffed in the slushee machine, the two bodies inside the gas station by the milk and beer that had been nearly picked clean, and the man up the street with an axe wound to his head, it was just a miracle they weren’t dragging the ground. Their car wasn’t built for this kind of load, and the shocks were straining under it. Even as Edward started rolling down the road, the car was already pulling to the right badly.
“This is going to be an amazing check.” Jacob said from the back.
Edward nodded, “Yeah, and don’t forget that you still owe me twenty bucks.”
“I don’t owe you shit!” Jacob snapped.
“The hell you don’t! I bought you that bucket of jerky. You owe me twenty dollars!” Edward growled. The two brothers started arguing. Bella slid around to watch the two men, and so she could grab the steering wheel it Edward let go of it to jump back into the backseat to beat on his much larger man. This wasn’t the first time the two men fought. It was however the first time a brunette ran out in front of their car in the middle of an argument.
Melissa Roberts stood in front of her full length mirror. She was wearing the tiara and sash she’d won from the beauty contest five years ago. She was still just as pretty now as she was then. Of course her future was a lot brighter back then…and she’d been a blonde. Now she was back to being a brunette. Being Miss Arcadia should have just been another mile marker on the highway of bigger and better things. Unfortunately it had turned out to be a stop sign. She’d had the right dress, the best hair, and the nicest nails. Unfortunately, she hadn’t counted on one of the other contestants paying a member of the hotel staff to switch the soy milk in her coffee and cereal with whole milk. She’d been in a hurry that morning and ate so fast that she really didn’t take time to notice how strangely different things tasted. If she had then she would have stopped before finishing the whole bowl and drinking all the milk. It was something she’d done ever since she was a kid, and she still did it for luck. Everyone knew it…it was one of those cute answers she’d given at an early competition. They’d asked her if she had any rituals before the pageants, and she’d told them about her morning cereal and soy milk. Unfortunately she’d also told them she was lactose intolerant.
In fairness, her competitor hadn’t known just how severe her lactose intolerance was. She assumed there might be some cramps and a little bloating. The woman had thought that if Melissa was just a little uncomfortable then it might show in front of the judges. A few tenths of a point here or there might just have been all Callie Hix needed to win the contest. What Callie hadn’t counted on was the horror that happened on that stage.
Melissa knew something was wrong when her stomach started making horrible sounds. The cramps came shortly after. She was able to keep the smile on her face and maintain her poise right up until she got called to answer a question for the judges. They never did ask a question because as soon as the host started to read from his card, Melissa passed gas for a full thirty seconds. It wasn’t a gentle wisp of air. No, it was violent, and loud. It sounded wet and angry. It became an internet overnight sensation. Within a week it was a ring tone. Soon people were attaching other clips to it. Some had her farting, and then showed a clip from Godzilla where the people were running away screaming. Some just took the sound effect and added it to whatever celebrity or cartoon they wanted to make a joke about. One particularly gifted editor took the music from Jaws and melded it with her clip. Just as the music hit its crescendo; the video cut back to Melissa breaking wind, and then the editor added several other popular Youtube clips that were mostly just funny reactions. It ended on the dramatic chipmunk, a little furry rodent that looks back into the camera; as if that wasn’t enough, the editor added credits to the song Chocolate Rain. It had a million views in seven hours.
The clip had made her a joke. Everyone knew about the “farting beauty queen”, or “Pootyqueen” as she was eventually nicknamed on the cable news networks, but only the people that were backstage knew the rest. Melissa was violently lactose intolerant. She ran off the stage in embarrassment, and just barely made it behind the curtains when cramps brought her to her knees. Most of the contestants were smart enough to back away. Callie Hix wasn’t one of them. She stood right in front of the young woman and gloated.
“I guess someone just isn’t beauty queen material. What? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?” Callie taunted. It was right then that Callie lurched forward and sprayed vomit all over Callie. She tried to apologize, but every time she opened her mouth her stomach fired another round at her chief competitor. “OH MY GOD!” Callie screamed and tried to run back on stage to get away from the spray. Sadly, high-heels are not made to run with, especially on a slick surface made even more slippery by Melissa’s stomach contents.
The skinny blonde stepped wrong and slipped. She fell on Melissa’s leg, and pinned it so that Melissa couldn’t escape. On the way down she ended up tearing the woman’s dress. Most of the people offstage were now very aware that Melissa’s panties were still glued on from the butt glue she used in the bikini competition earlier. She was also wearing a pair of pantyhose to help conceal any pantylines from the judges. Later on the witnesses would say amongst themselves that this was what saved Callie Hix. It started with another deafening bout of flatulence. After twenty seconds Melissa gave no indication she was nearing the end. At the thirty second mark she was still going strong. Callie’s blue eyes were wide as dinner plates. She was still stunned by it all, and didn’t want to move because if she sat up then she’d have to actually get closer to Melissa’s bottom. The fart went from what sounded like a rapid fire string of coughs, and then became something closer to the roar of a wild animal. Everyone knew something was about to happen when Melissa sniffled, and said weakly, “Oh no!”
The roar of her bottom turned into what would later be described by the host as, “An old man gargling syrup.” Her flatulence had started out loud, but relatively harmless. As the tone changed to something akin to a man trying to play a trumpet full of pudding; a stench began to skitter throughout the offstage crowd. Most of the people tried to get away. Callie even decided it was time to make a retreat, but unfortunately for her another cramp ripped through Melissa. It forced her to slide back until she was sitting on her ankles. Callie screamed as Melissa shifted to the only position she could because of the cramps, and now Melissa was sitting on the other woman’s face. Callie hadn’t had enough time to close her mouth. The vomiting had stopped, but the gas was still firing out like a rocket blast. Callie’s arms and legs kicked in all directions as she tried to escape.
Suddenly Melissa’s panties began to swell like a water balloon. The butt glue held it in place for a while, but even it has limits. The panties reached critical mass, and then tore the glue away and came firing out the sides. Brown oozed down her pantyhose like two tubes being filled. It swelled over Callie’s face, and then hung down on both sides. When they finally pulled Callie away, Melissa’s butt had an almost perfect face print indentation of the woman. It not only formed to fit, it practically vacuum sealed against her face. There was a wet sucking sound as the backstage crew was finally able to pull Melissa off.
Between the constant movement as Callie was fighting for air, and being jerked around as men pulled Melissa off her competitor. Callie’s panties were exposed, and because it wasn’t the swimsuit competition, it also exposed his very large and untucked bulge. Within the next few days everyone in the pageant would learn that Callie Hix was really Carl Knox. Unfortunately for Melissa the rest of the world would only remember the “Pootyqueen”.
Callie Hix was investigated, and spent ninety days in jail. The last Melissa had heard was that Callie, or Carl as he was legally known, was making cheap amateur porn movies around Louisiana. Apparently she had herself a regular cult following, and was making pretty decent cash at it. Melissa had moved on the best she could. She tried normal jobs, but found she really didn’t have many skills to really make it out there on her own. She didn’t want to flip burgers for a living, but didn’t have the education to do much else. She could have modeled a little, but there weren’t many willing to hire her. Most of the people that did only wanted her as a gag, and they demanded she answer to “Pootyqueen”. Eventually she learned to be a masseuse. Most of her money was honest labor. She’d give an hour massage and take home twenty-five dollars, but once in a while when business is slow, or when bills were more than she could normally pay; she occasionally gave “special” massages.
She wasn’t proud of it, but it beat starving. Tonight was one of those nights. A few clients stiffed her this week, and she had to pay her rent. So she took one of her “extra” jobs. The man always wanted her to jerk him off at the end wearing her tiara and sash. His name was Bucky. Well that wasn’t his actual real name, but that’s what he answered to. He always paid cash, and he didn’t ever ask for more than a handjob and occasionally he got to wear the tiara when she jerked him off. As tricks went, he was pretty tame.
“You look beautiful my dear. Good enough to eat.” Bucky grinned.
“Bucky…Jesus look at your arm.”
“Oh…it’s nothing. A little band-aid and I’ll be fine.” Bucky took a step closer. He wasn’t a particularly large man. He was older…about fifty. On previous jobs Melissa thought the man looked distinguished. She found him much less attractive with green blood oozing out of his arm. It wasn’t just his arm. Every vein had a darkly unnatural tint to it.
“What’s wrong with you?” She asked.
“I was at the gas station picking up some beer for later, and this guy came in attacking everyone. He bit the shit out of me before I could get away. It was the scariest damn thing I’d ever seen, but it’s nothing a little tender handling from you…and maybe a snack won’t cure.” Bucky grinned as he moved towards her.
Melissa raised her hand to keep the man out of her personal space. She assumed the hefty older man would stop, but instead he just opened his mouth and sucked in her pinky and ring finger. Bucky bit down, she stared in shock. Two of her fingers came off cleanly in his mouth, and he nursed on the bloody nubs like a baby suckling a breast until she yanked her hand away. She doubled over and howled in pain. Meanwhile Bucky took his time chewing. The bones crunched and popped in his mouth like he was eating ice cubes. Melissa ducked and ran around the man. Blood spurted with each heartbeat, and as afraid as she was it was coming out so rapidly she’d probably have bled to death if not for some fast thinking. Melissa took her sash and wrapped it around her hand to stop the blood. The sash had a red bloom seconds after she tied it off, but at least it stopped her from bleeding out.
“Come back baby…I paid for the whole hour, and now I’m ready to party.” Bucky said as he waddled out of the bedroom. In the time it took for her to make a tourniquet for her hand, the chubby older man had undone his pants and was openly stroking himself.
“Party’s over Fuckhead! Now stay back!” Melissa yelled.
Bucky’s temper got the better of him, and he taunted, “Oh…is the Pootyqueen gonna punish Bucky? Bitch please!”
It may have been the pain from the missing fingers. It may have been the blood loss. It may have been the sight of a pasty fat man leaking precum with blood dribbling out of his mouth and down his chest as he planned to eat her. It could have been another half dozen things, but most likely it was getting called Pootyqueen for the twelve thousandth time that finally made her snap. Melissa ran screaming right at the newly turned zombie. Bucky grinned, then leaned forward and opened his mouth as he waited for her to run right into biting range. He even took a couple practice chomps in the air.
Why he expected her to just run into his gaping mouth is anyone’s guess. Perhaps it’s the same thinking the man put into calling himself Bucky when his real name Maximillion Powers. Why he preferred being called Bucky over Max Powers will forever be unknown to this and future generations. Melissa’s leg rocked back and then blasted forward into the man’s crotch. Zombies aren’t particularly sensitive. A gunshot to the chest tickles, a knife in the back could be confused with a mosquito bite, and a kick to the groin typically would feel like a man’s underwear just rode up too tightly. Still, after years of consciously guarding one’s testicles from all threats foreign and domestic, it becomes ingrained in the male mind to protect the twig and berries at all costs. So Bucky promptly twined his legs together, cupped his balls, and hopped backwards.
Unfortunately for Bucky there was an ottoman right behind him. Bucky tripped over the ottoman and fell backwards into the fireplace. His head smacked against the ceramic logs, and broke them into a dozen pieces. The ceramic did more to irritate Bucky than it did to actually stop the undead monster. What stopped Bucky was the grate that held the ceramic logs. The cast iron grate had a distinct fleur-de-lis pattern. One of those fleur-de-lis went right through the back of the man’s neck and broke through the spinal column. Bucky couldn’t move. Alone this wouldn’t have killed him, but certainly it would have put a crimp on his plan to satiate himself on mouthfuls of bloody flesh. No, what stopped him completely was a touch of romanticism.
Melissa was a beautiful woman by any standard. It was often Bucky’s fantasy that one day he might seduce her. Perhaps even make an honest woman out of her. He was aware of the age difference, but he always fancied himself Richard Gere to her Julia Roberts. Together he thought maybe they might someday actually be a real life version of Pretty Woman. Of course there were two problems. The first being he was afraid to even ask her out, and the second being that while he was a nice man…she still found him physically repulsive.
Problems aside, Max always held out hope. When he booked her he tried to take the extra mile to give her a hint. He’d have flowers for her when she arrived, or sometimes candy. He had romantic music on. Sometimes it was Barry White, sometimes Isaac Hayes, as long as it was something that might encourage her to throw away her inhibitions and fall in love with the man then he was for it, he even listened to Kenny G once, but he found it almost impossible to keep an erection during that man’s songs.
Tonight he’d taken the liberty of turning up the air conditioner so that he could also turn on the gas fireplace. So as he lay there flat on his back, smelling his burning hair and feeling the flames biting into his flesh; he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he should have just stuck to flowers and candy. “I always loved you Melissa.”
“Fuck you asshole.” Melissa screamed as she kept kicking him in the babymaker. She was crying, and panicking. She could already see how this played out. The police would come. They’d find a woman missing two fingers, and a man impaled on the fireplace grate. Then after doing some basic police work they’d realize she was an occasional prostitute. Then it would go from poor defenseless woman that was attacked, to crazy whore that killed her John to steal his money. She’d be lucky if she only got twenty years.
There was only one option, and that was to run like hell. She’d called a taxi before, but luckily it had picked her up from the mall and not her home. She could get away then call a cab from somewhere else, or she was only five miles from home. If she jogged then she could probably make it there, and then take her car to the hospital. She could say it was a food disposal accident or something.
“I’ll tell them I was trying to fish out a fork, and my cat hit the switch and I was just lucky I only lost two fingers. It’ll be perfect.” Melissa grinned. It was a plan made on the spur of the moment. She never considered forensics, or even something as simple as a doctor being able to tell the difference between a bite and something being cut off. She ran to Bucky’s wallet and at first only took the money he owed her, but then reconsidered and took the rest. She was grinning and actually proud of her quick thinking. The smile faded as she reached the door, “Shit! I’ll need to pick up a cat if I’m going to blame it all on them. Oh well, I can just say I let it out after I lost my fingers. That’ll by me time until I can get a real cat to take the fall.”
The door swung open and Melissa started jogging down the street towards her home. Bucky begged, “Don’t go.” It was sad and lonesome. His face was already bubbling and burning like an overcooked hotdog. She nearly went over to turn off the fire when he said, “Can I have just one more finger?”
“Sure.” Melissa flipped the man off, and slammed the door behind her. Bucky lay there trying to cry, but his tears just sizzled and evaporated as soon as they came out. Soon the heat caused the fluid in his eyes to boil, and expand. They swelled up and began bulging in their sockets before they finally gave giant watery pops. The fluid hissed and sizzled as it rand down the sides of his face. The man’s tongue swelled up and pushed its way out of his mouth. Eventually the fire caused his brain to boil. His mouth stopped moving then. The fire traveled down his body, and used him like a wick in a candle. He burned for an hour before he caught the rest of the house on fire. It burned around him, and then collapsed in on his lifeless body. He was reduced to ash. The only thing left in the morning was a melted clump of metal and rhinestones that had been Melissa’s tiara.
Her sash was bloody, and her hand throbbed, but she was otherwise doing fine. She’d gotten six blocks. She’d just crossed the street when she realized her tiara was missing. “Fuck!” Melissa came to a stop, turned around, and started running back across the street to get the only evidence that she thought might tie her to the crime scene, and that’s when the station wagon hit her.
“Shit!” Edward, Jacob, and Bella all screamed in unison. The brunette was hit, and went rolling over the hood, cracking the windshield, and then being launched up into the air. She came down with a heavy thump onto the pavement. The station wagon’s tires squealed as it slid down the road. The bodies in the back went everywhere. By the time Edward had the car stopped, Jacob was buried under three bodies.
“A little help?” Jacob begged. His voice was muffled by the former Deputy Pocky’s groin. Edward and Bella scrambled out of the front seat, and they began digging their brother out. Bob Pocky was the first they moved. “Thank God. That man is hung like a mule. Now someone get these other two off me. They’re crushing my sexy abs.”
“Oh you poor baby.” Bella bent over to try and soothe her brother. After kneeling down she leaned forward to kiss Jacob to tell him it would be okay, and that’s when she broke wind. It sounded like a horse’s snort.
“Dammit Sis…did you have to do that while I’m stuck down here?” Jacob grumbled.
“Well fuck you then! I was trying to be supportive.” Bella snapped and walked away.
Jacob sensing a missed opportunity to be her current flavor of the hour begged, “Wait…I’m sorry. I just…I just…OH GAWD!” The unholy stench that had been living in Bella’s semi-tight sphincter finally wafted to Jacob’s nose. “GAWD DAMMIT! Edward get me out of here! It’s burning my nose hairs.”
“I’m trying but these two are kind of wedged in on top of you. Can you exhale a bit so I can maybe pull them away?” Edward said as he kept tugging.
Jacob had a choice to make. If he exhaled now, then he’d have to inhale later. Right now he was holding his breath, and the stink was still making his eyes water. Another breathe of flatulent air might have the man retching in the gutter. Still, the alternative was just to be trapped, and he didn’t know if he could wait the stink to go away of its own accord. Jacob exhaled and Edward pulled. The first of the two remaining bodies slipped out. Jacob was able to crabwalk out of the car and onto the pavement then. He gasped, and the unholy stench flared once more into his nostrils. It was a distinct aroma, and something akin to five day old stale pizza, rancid milk, and the pungent scent that might only otherwise be found emanating from around Cthulhu’s scrotum after a two hour run on a treadmill.
Jacob waddled over to the side of the road, and began throwing up. Cheetos and Doritos, half chewed beef jerky, pop rocks, and Corn Nuts sprayed out with a vengeance onto the soft grass. Meanwhile, Edward was still pulling Achmed’s body back into position. Achmed didn’t fit back as easily as he originally did. The bodies were all jumbled, and now everything was much more difficult to get them stored correctly.
Bella watched the two men as she stood over Melissa. “Are you two slobs going to just sit there doing nothing, or are you gonna get over here and help me?”
Edward strained to get Achmed’s leg back in place. When he finished it looked like the world’s most disturbing game of Tetris. Jacob blew out the last few bits of his dinner. It consisted of an cheesy orange doughy mass that once had been a pepperoni pizza hot pocket, a few soggy bits of the waffle cone and undigested nuts left over from his Nestle Drumstick ice cream, and a slightly purple liquid that was the remnants of the liter bottle of grape soda the man had drunk just prior to starting tonight’s pickup. Jacob spit a few times and waited a moment to make sure nothing else was going to make a surprise appearance. After he was sure it was all clear he stood up and said, “I’m coming. I’m coming. Keep your pants on.”
Both men stood with Bella, and they all stared down at the former beauty queen. Edward groaned, “We are so fucked.”
“Not necessarily.” Bella grinned, “Let’s load her up and say we found her at the gas station.”
“What about the dent in the car?” Jacob asked.
“We hit a dog. No! We hit a deer. That’ll make a lot more sense.” Bella smiled.
“You’re so smart.” Jacob leaned over and kissed Bella. He pulled her close, or as close as any four hundred pound man can pull an over three hundred pound woman, and shoved his tongue into her mouth. He even took the time to fondle his sisters left breast. Her breast deformed and then just sort of congealed back together with every squeeze…like old gravy.
“Yeah…you’re a genius.” Edward leaned in to kiss his sister, but then recoiled. He turned a little green and pointed at her mouth, “You have a little puke on your upper lip.”
Most women would have been disgusted. Many of them would have thrown up , and maybe cried over the sheer grossness of it all. Bella wasn’t that type of woman. Instead her tongue shot out, and with a quick flick in returned to her mouth, “Mmm…pepperoni.” Then she punched Jacob in the arm. “You son-of-a-bitch! I told you I was saving that last hot pocket for lunch tomorrow.”
“I got hungry.” Jacob whined. “I was wasting away. If I didn’t eat something then I might lose my sexy abs.” There wasn’t even a hint that the man was joking.
Bella punched him again, and tried to frown, but the botox just wouldn’t let her. So in desperation she actually used her hands to manipulate her face into an angry frown. “You owe me another hot pocket. Now load this skinny bitch up, and let’s get out of here.”
They loaded up the brunette into her own body bag and slipped her in. They had to bend the woman so that she’d be able to fit. The three of them then jumped into their station wagon and drove off. Melissa lay on top of the bodies. Her head bounced on a comfy cushion made by the giant flaccid penis of the formerly alive Deputy Pocky.
They drove to the M.E.’s office, and began unloading the bodies onto a pallet. Normally they’d have used something more appropriate, but there were so many that it ended up being the only practical thing to do. Melissa was loaded with the others, and pushed inside.
Dr. Trip Beudreax stood in the morgue. His operating table was already clean and awaiting the first subject. The Meyer’s brought the bodies in, and loaded them on different gurneys. They didn’t really talk to one another. The Meyer family creeped Trip out, and the Meyer family felt the same way about the doctor. There was just something unsettling about the man. Maybe it was how he never seemed to blink. Instead he always closed his eyes slowly, and then opened them just as slowly.
It could have been the interest he showed in the bodies…particularly the female bodies. Trip began opening the body bags to see who he had, and to sort out the ones too badly disfigured to easily identify. “Damn shame.” Trip grumbled as he stared at the exposed breast of the headless woman from the gas station. “She probably was a real looker…am I right?”
Jacob, Edward, and Bella all shrugged. Bella leaned in and asked, “I’m going to need the paperwork so we can turn it in for our pay.”
“What?” Trip asked, his eyes still locked on the dead woman’s large mammary. It took Bella snapping her fingers in front of the doctor before he snapped out of it. “Oh yes…of course. Here you go.” Trip walked over and signed everything. He handed it back, and the Meyers were gone without another word. “Just turn it into the police station…as usual.” The Meyer family were gone from the room before the ink dried. Trip went back to the headless woman.
He reached down and squeezed her remaining breast and tried not to look at the mangled mess where her other boob used to be. Blood pooled up in the hole left from when Colton shot it, and eventually it seeped out. If he squinted just right he could almost imagine the woman was lactating. He gave it a few more squeezes before sighing, “Why do all the good looking ones have to die in such horrible ways? It never leaves me with anyone decent looking to play with.”
It was a problem he’d had for years. Beautiful young women normally died in car accidents, or motorcycle accidents, their husbands or boyfriends might beat them to death, or they’d have some other horrible accident. It never left them looking anywhere near as beautiful as they were in real life. The rare exception was the suicides. Of course the problem with that was they often didn’t get found for days, and so by the time they arrived most of them were kind of bloated and…gooey.
Trip finally reached Melissa’s body bag. “Jackpot!” The doctor blurted out. Not only was Melissa fresh…she was still fairly warm. The doctor was actually giddy. He ran to the door, and locked it. Then came back and loaded Melissa on the exam table. “I wouldn’t want anyone to disturb us my dear.” He gave the woman’s body a quick once over as he cut the clothes away. “Other than a few bruises, and of course the missing fingers, you are in remarkable condition.
Melissa’s legs were spread carefully. Trip went to his locker and grabbed some Vaseline. “Oh…it’s like my birthday came early.” After removing his clothes, he took a large glop of the Vaseline and stroked it up and down his shaft a few times to make sure he’d be good and slippery. The one problem Trip always had was the women he liked weren’t able to provide him the natural lubrication he needed to get what he wanted. Of course if he waited a day or two they’d naturally ooze a little, and he wouldn’t need the Vaseline then, but by then they weren’t much to look at.
She was vaguely aware that something was on top of her. Melissa’s eyes fluttered open. What she saw were two nipples undulating in front of her. It was a man’s chest moving up and down, and she became aware of something sliding in and out of her. It took her a full minute before she realized it was a man’s penis.
“OH BABY! OH BABY! WHO’S YOU’RE DADDY? WHO’S YOUR DADDY?” Trip kept repeating this as he rhythmically dipped himself in and out of her. The woman was the most beautiful specimen he’d ever had in the morgue. She was even still kind of limber. He took great pleasure in hooking her legs into the crook of his arms, and then started trying to really pound himself inside her.
Of course pounding might be a bit of an overstatement. The man had the smallest penis Melissa had ever felt in her life. Under normal circumstances she might have awoken terrified of the man grunting like a pig as he twisted and turned his hips to get himself inside her as deeply as he could…which was just slightly over two and a quarter inches. Due to his disturbing lack of length, she had to fight to keep from laughing. It wasn’t just his lack of length that she found so hilarious, it was how thin his penis was. It wasn’t much thicker than a pencil. The more Trip tried to ride her like he was some porn star, the more she had to fight back the urge to laugh.
Trip thrust himself in one last time and groaned, “Uhhhhnnnngh….Miley Cyrus!” Melissa snorts of laughter were covered up by Trip’s moans as he continued to spasm while spurting into Melissa’s now very cold vagina. She’d lost what little body heat she arrived with due to the ice cold air conditioning used to maintain the bodies inside the morgue. “Oh baby…you’re the greatest!”
“Really? Because frankly I could have been fucked better by one of those tiny drink umbrellas you get at the bar.” Melissa teased.
“What the?” Trip looked down at the now grinning young undead woman. “Holy Shit!”
He tried to get away, but Melissa wrapped her arms and legs around the man to hold him in place. Then she laughed, “Oh hell no. You got what you want, and now it’s my turn.” She bit down on his chest.
“Oh fuck! Let go!” Trip screamed and tried to pull away. All he succeeded in doing was helping her pull away a huge chunk of his chest. Blood poured out of the bite wound onto her face and Melissa squeezed her thighs a little tighter to keep the doctor in place.
She took another bite. This time it went through the muscle and left the man’s exposed sternum. He tried to fight her off, but she wouldn’t budge. Terror pumped adrenaline through the doctor’s body, and he began to try and wiggle free. The fight or flight response had taken over. He lifted himself up from her for a few moments, but then Melissa bit one more time. Bone crunched in her teeth, and when she pulled back Trip’s sternum had a huge bite taken out of it. The man’s heart could be seen beating far too quickly and unevenly. His heart was about to give out on him.
Another bite, and blood exploded from his chest and covered the former beauty queen’s face and upper body. Melissa pulled her face out of the wound, and chewed a mouthful of the man’s heart. It took her three tries to swallow all of it. Trip’s eyes went dull, and he flopped on top of her. Melissa lay there under the man and then laughed, “Well at least he didn’t ask me to make him a sandwich.”
Melissa rolled the man off of her, and he hit the floor with a meaty thud. The undead woman hopped off the table, then lifted the man in one arm. She tossed him back on the table, and took care to get the man’s head comfortably in the headrest. She then grabbed the bone saw. After cutting away the top half of the man’s skull, she leaned over and buried her face into it like she was competing for a pie eating contest. Gray matter dribbled down her chin. It was the best thing she’d ever eaten. After using her finger to scrape out the last few bits of gray mattered goodness, she went around searching the morgue for clothes. After looking around, she finally accepted the fact that most the clothes were too tattered to be worn, and anything else was so ugly that she wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it.
Melissa sighed, and walked out of the morgue. She stepped out and shivered a little when the night air blew across her nipples. A cold front had moved through while she was unconscious. “Wow, I bet my nipples could cut…” She looked down and realized that the cold had done nothing, “nothing at all.” When she thought about it she realized that the cold weather really hadn’t felt that cold. It was more of a pavlovian reaction than an actual response to the weather.
It was just under a mile from the M.E.’s office to the water processing plant. One of her regulars, Wade Parker worked there. Maybe, just maybe, she could walk over there and get him to give her a ride back to her place, or better yet she could just eat him and take his pickup. Either way it was getting really late, and she needed to get moving.
1:30 A.M.
*Ding*
The microwave finished warming up the pot roast. Colton and Bobby sat together in the kitchen. “Can you believe the night we had? Jesus…who’s gonna believe this shit?” Colton grumbled as he got up and pulled the pot roast out of the microwave. They heard the bedroom door upstairs open, and then heard Sarah walk over them.
She called down the stairway, “Colton…baby can I borrow you for a second?”
Colton scooped himself another bowl of pot roast and said, “I’ll be back in a minute.”
“No problem.” Bobby said between mouthfuls.
Colton started off to the stairs and then came back, “Hey, you know it’s kind of late. There’s not much more we can do until morning. I can drive you back to your house if you want and then pick you up after breakfast, or you can sleep on the couch.”
“The couch is fine.”
Colton grinned and headed off to the stairs saying,“Great, I’ll get Sarah to dig you up a pillow and a blanket. How do you like your eggs?”
“Cooked.” Bobby grunted at the darkened hallway where Colton had once stood. He kept eating his dinner as he heard the little fat man scramble up the stairs. Colton and Sarah started giggling, and even though they were trying to be quiet, Bobby was pretty sure about what his friend was getting called upstairs to do. Bobby belched, looked up towards the ceiling where he assumed Colton and his wife were now, and saluted. A few moments later just as he was finishing his bowl he heard the first few squeaks of Colton’s bed. Bobby laughed, “You dirty old dog you! Well, I guess you won’t be needing this then.” Bobby reached over and took Colton’s second helping of pot roast.
2:00 A.M.
“Damn…what the hell happened here?” Edward asked.
The front of the police station had a huge hole in it. A burnt husk of a fire truck was on its side, and the Meyers could see people wandering around inside the station. Most people would have decided to turn around and leave. The Meyers looked at one another and drove into the parking lot. Their station wagon rolled slowly up to where the front doors used to be. When they finally stopped, eyes stared back at them.
“I think this was a bad idea.” Bella whispered.
2:03 A.M.
*SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANK SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG*
“I think this was a bad idea.” Bobby whispered.
Sarah never came down to get him anything to sleep on the couch with. After finishing dinner, he went find his own pillow, and then his own blanket. Unfortunately he had no luck in either, so Bobby grabbed a tiny round red inflatable pool toy. It wasn’t much of a pillow, but it was better than nothing. Then he raided the bathroom and grabbed a few of Sarah’s big decorative towels. They were the kind of towels wives hang up to make the bathrooms look better, but that nobody is actually allowed to use. They were softer than some of his blankets at home, but they weren’t big enough on their own. It took eight of them layered carefully to make something resembling a blanket. Bobby would have asked Sarah for help, but she was currently indisposed.
“Oh yeah Baby! Give it to me Big Red!” Sarah’s voice was muffled, but Bobby still heard every word.
“Damn…I remember when I used to make Sue scream like that.” Bobby giggled uncomfortably. “Guess when you don’t have kids you just never learn to keep it quiet.”
The sound of the Mudd’s lovemaking filled the quiet house. It was vigorous, and playful. With the pace the little fat redhead kept it was no wonder he’d been losing weight. It was actually more amazing that he hadn’t hurt himself yet. It was frantic. They kept going at it like two people possessed. Then after another twenty five minutes the pace suddenly changed.
“Yeah! Take it! Take every last drop of Big Red!” Colton gave a loud grunt that signaled he’d just finished.
“Oh I think I’m gonna be sick.” Bobby groaned.
2:28 A.M.
“Oh I think I’m gonna be sick!” Jacob screamed as the station wagon screeched around the corner. The undead men and women at the station were piled up all over the outside of the car. Some of them were tearing their way through the metal. One was already halfway through the rear window. Jacob opened the door and vomited onto the road at seventy miles an hour. When the door opened the zombie was hanging off the door trying to reach Jacob. Its feet hit the pavement as it slipped a little to try and reach the fat man. At the speed they were traveling, the shoes were gone the moment they hit the ground, and unfortunately for the zombie so were its feet.
The zombie punched through the glass. It’s hand grabbed at Jacob. It could only grab the rotund man by his fat rolls. Jacob tried pulling away, but the zombie held onto the man. “Let go of my sexy abs!”
“Come on fatboy…let’s party!” The zombie stuck his head into the window and tried to bite Jacob.
He was stabbed in the eye with a Butterfinger bar by Bella. She drove it deep into the eye socket, and punctured the creature’s brain. The zombie went limp and began sliding out the window. “Oh thank God…I though me and my sexy abs were done for.” Jacob sat up and kissed Bella, “Thanks sis…I love you.”
She punched him in the mouth, “You owe me a Butterfinger asshole!”
The zombie slid down the door and fell in front of the rear wheel. He’d been a large man in life, and in his very short undeath he hadn’t really lost any weight to speak of. The station wagon hit the body and jerked wildly. It veered off and smashed into an arts and crafts store. The mass of hungry zombies went flying off the station wagon and landed inside the store. The zombie that had been halfway into the rear window went flying through the car, passing right between Bella and Edward, and it slammed into the windshield. The windshield gave way immediately. The zombie flew through the air and crashed face first into the bottom of a giant plush Winnie-the-Pooh.
The station wagon wouldn’t move. Jacob and Bella opened their doors and got out. Edward sat up and pushed his door open. Unfortunately one of the employees left a some candles burning by the register. When Jacob opened the door, he knocked over the candles. They fell onto the greeting cards and wrapping paper. In seconds the cashier desk was on fire. The station wagon was blocking the front doors. Edward could probably crawl over the car and escape, but Bella and Jacob were both far too fat and out of shape to make the climb.
“If we go to the back of the store there might be a rear door we can escape from.” Jacob screamed.
“Where’d you learn to drive? Grand Theft Auto?” One of the zombies groaned. It had a decorative lamp imbedded in his chest.
The other zombies started groaning and grumbling as they began rising to their feet. Jacob and Edward both ran headlong into the zombies. They were trying to head for the back. Unfortunately two of the zombies were already on their feet. One zombie backhanded Jacob. The fat man went rolling into the bath salts aisle. Edward was hammered by the other zombie. He went sailing into the other wall. He crashed into where the glitter and ribbons were kept.
“Fuck that hurt.” Jacob rose to his feet. He looked over to his right. He had a straight run to the back of the store. He couldn’t see a door, but there were no zombies down his aisle. Jacob looked back to the sister he loved passionately, “Bella…you have to come with me! Me and my sexy abs will protect you!”
“No! Come with me Bella.” Edward yelled, and then his voice was drowned out by a droning horn. The fire triggered the burglar alarm. Bright lights turned on, and Bella could see Edward glittering. He also had cute little pink bows stuck in his hair, and ribbons hanging off of him like streamers. Then the burglar alarm went into its next alert phase. The bright lights began to flicker. They went from blindingly bright to just being your average strobe light. A white nontoxic smoke was released inside the alarm. It was designed to make theft harder because if you can’t see it then you probably are going to have a hard time stealing it. The smoke was supposed to fill the room, but the sprinklers came on, and pushed the smoke down until it only covered everything up to a person’s waist.
Jacob motioned for Bella to come with him, and Edward gestured for her to come with him. It was the hardest decision Bella ever made in her life. She took a look at both men. She loved them both, but could only go down that aisle with one of them. If not for her badly done botox then both men would have known how emotional a decision it was for her. It would have been written all over her face. Instead she had a blank expression.
The fire was spreading. Bella had to decide right now. She looked back one more time at the very large Jacob, and his “sexy abs”. Then she looked at skinny Edward covered in glitter, bows, and ribbons. He had a determined look in one eye, but the other one seemed to just roll around wildly in his head. She mouthed “I’m so sorry.”, and ran off towards Jacob. By the time she reached Jacob, the fire had burned through the wiring. The alarm was silenced forever.
Edward was heartbroken, but he was determined to survive. He’d win her back somehow. Edward ran down his aisle alone. He got halfway there when three zombies slammed into him. They each grabbed a part of the man. One grabbed each leg, and then one grabbed the head. The zombie holding the head laughed and yelled, “Make a wish!”
The two other zombies pulled and yanked as hard as they could. His left leg ripped off at the hip. Edward screamed, but for only a second. The zombie holding his head gave a quick tug, and the glittery man was silent forevermore. “Yes! I win! I win!” The other zombie laughed and danced around with the rest of Edward’s body. Of course he didn’t get to celebrate long before several other zombies tackle him to get their share of the body.
“Oh Bella…I’m so glad you finally chose me. Was it my sexy abs that won you over?” Jacob asked while they both waddled down the aisle together.
“No…not your sexy abs.” Bella grunted as she pushed her way around Jacob.
“Well what was it?” Jacob asked. At that exact moment the all the other zombies that had been hanging on the car rose up out of the smoke. They started moving towards Bella and Jacob. Jacob stepped between Bella and the undead. “I’ll protect you. You chose me, and we’ll never be apart.”
That’s when Bella kicked the man in the knee. Jacob fell down into the smoke and screamed in pain. “I picked you because Edward is just too fast to outrun, and if the zombies caught us like this then I didn’t have to be faster than them. I just needed to be faster than you.”
“You bitch!” Jacob screamed as Bella took off down the aisle all by herself.
She got to the back of the store. There was no door. The fire already covered the front of the store. There was no way out. That’s when she heard Jacob scream again, “Oh Gawd! Please…not my sexy AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABS!” He howled in agony as they tore open his fat stomach and began eating him alive. He screamed for five minutes before he was finally quiet. The fire was raging out of control, and that’s when she saw them.
The zombies were moving towards her. The fire had already caught up to them. They were like walking candles. She could see their charred and blackened features. She watched as burning flesh crumbled and fell off when they began to smile at her through the flames. She knew right then that she was going to die. It was as inevitable as twilight changing to sunrise. Bella held up her hands. They trembled with fear as the burning wicks of flesh kept moving closer. Their skin bubbled from the heat. The fire overcame a few of them, and they collapsed. The others drew closer. Their mouths opening and closing, teeth snapping like hungry dogs as they attempted to get one last meal before their brains melted from the flames. They all closed in, and she sank to the floor trying to get away. They reached out for her. Their arms burning as they grabbed for her clothes so they could pull her into one final, fatal embrace.
Her clothes ignited, and she counted that as a mercy. Maybe the fire would kill her before they did. She tried to comfort herself with that thought as the flames melted her muumuu into her skin. Bella was wrong though. She wasn’t killed by the flames. She felt the zombies teeth start in on her long before the smoke started suffocating her. Bella coughed and wheezed while the zombies gnawed on various parts of her burning body. She felt the flames, she felt the teeth, and she even felt when one of them began chewing on the front of her forehead. It was agony, and she screamed.
2:58 A.M.
“Ahhh-AHHH! AAAH! OH YES! DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING STOP!”
Bobby cringed every time Sarah screamed out passionately, and since they started he’d found out she was quite a screamer. He’d heard of hysterical blindness. It was when someone saw something so traumatic that it caused them to temporarily lose their sight. It might happen if someone witnessed a murder, or maybe walked in on their parents having sex. It was the brain’s way of coping with things. Right now he was praying to God for hysterical deafness.
*SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG*
“Dear Lord when are they gonna stop?” Bobby groaned as he listened to his best friend making love to the woman of his dreams…again. Bobby laughed and tried to pull his makeshift blanket over his ears. One of the towels came up, but it didn’t do much to quiet the happy couple’s lovemaking. “Well I guess I can sort of see why she likes him so much. The little bastard humps like he’s the Energizer Bunny.”
“Oh Big Red…no Baby don’t stop…I need it…I need it so bad. Don’t make Momma beg for it.” Sarah sounded exhausted, but she still wanted more. There was a few moments of quiet, and then Bobby heard a very distinct buzzing sound. It sounded a lot like his electric razor, but then he started hearing her gasping and moaning. “Yeah…oh baby that’s it! You’re gonna do that? OOOOOHFUCKTHAT’SSOGOOD! That’s the spot right there. I’m so close. Oh Big Red…you’re such a dirty boy!”
Colton was talking, but it was as though he was covering his mouth while he spoke. Then Bobby realized his best friend probably did have his mouth covered. He put it all together and realized the buzzing was Sarah’s vibrator, and Colton sounded muffled because he had his face planted firmly at Sarah’s wet and currently very willing entrance. “Oh sweet gentle Jesus…can you please give me a very small brain aneurysm? Don’t kill me…just make me forget everything after the pot roast.”
3:25 A.M.
*SQUEAK-BANG SQUEAK-BANG*
3:40 A.M.
“Oh Baby yeah lick it…lick me you hungry little red Wombat of love!”
4:20 A.M.
“Oh Sarah honey…I’m gonna…I’m gonna…NNNNNNNNNNNGH!”
Bobby glared at the ceiling with bleary eyes. “If he starts up again…I’ll kill him.”
5:00 A.M.
*SNORE*
“It sounds like a gateway to hell.” Bobby yawned. He stayed up another thirty minutes before exhaustion finally caused him to fall asleep.