“Look over there Bill!” The man driving the boat pointed out into the darkness.
Bill Starr swept back and forth in the area with his high-powered spotlight. It was just a little after dark, but the full moon was bright enough to let the men see fairly comfortably. The moon let them navigate through the water, and the light made the area so bright that it seemed to almost bleach the color out. Bill’s cousin Tater Collins squinted as he turned his penlight to the same area. So far the evening had been a complete bust for the three men. Well not a complete bust. They’d already gone through almost a six-pack a piece, and they were each looking forward to making it an even dozen before the night was over.
“Nothing.” Tater groaned. “Three hours of nothing. I thought you said we’d be able to get us a gator. You said you knew how to do this. We been puttering through here, and I gotta say Jimmy…I think you’re full of shit.”
James looked irritated by the young man and then shook his head. “Patience! Normally we’d just set out some lines, put some bait on them, and then check them tomorrow.”
Tater rolled his eyes, “Why can’t we just do that?”
James shook his head, “Wrong season…if we did that there’d be game wardens waiting on us when we got back. They’d be up our ass faster than you can say ouch.”
“Well this is boring! You said we’d have us some fried gator by morning.” Tater groaned.
“Is it morning yet? No! We might have seen one already if you’d have brought a halfway decent light. Now shut up and keep looking.” James’ irritation was starting to boil into anger. Tater had started whining almost from the moment they got in the water.
“You said we’d need flashlights. How was I supposed to know you meant we were supposed to bring spotlights?” Tater snapped.
James was almost ready to toss the man over and use him for bait, “A clue would be looking at your cousin over there.”
“Whatever. I’m done. We’ve been circling around here for the last three hours and we’re only maybe forty five minutes from where we started. You’re just wasting my time. If you find a gator wake me up.” Tater grunted, turned off his penlight, and laid down in the front of the boat. After a minute or two he dug into his pocket, pulled out ear buds and started listening to something on his iPhone.
James glared at the man, then hocked a loogie out into the water, “Fucking lazy…just fucking lazy.”
Bill tried to apologize for his cousin. “Man, I’m sorry I asked you to take us out here. If I’d have known he was going to be like that then…well you know.”
“Yeah…don’t sweat it. You want me to turn this around so we can go back?”
“Hell no! If you say you know where some gators are, then I say let’s get us some gator.” Bill laughed.
Twenty minutes later had Tater snoring. Bill leaned down to shake the man awake, but he was sound asleep. After a few minutes he gave up and went back to shining the light. It seemed to take forever, but finally his light struck on almost two dozen alligators. Ruby red, orange, and yellow eyes reflected back in the light. The sudden number of the animals surprised both men.
“Big bag of nothing most the night, and then jackpot.” James laughed as he shut off the engine. “I told you I knew where to find gators. Just takes patience is all. You ready?”
“Yeah, do I wake up Tater?”
“Fuck Tater. Now I’ll throw out the treble hook and when I get him up to the side of the boat then you shoot him in the head.”
“A-a-alright.” Bill said nervously.
James took his treble hook and gave it a mighty through. The first time he tossed it he just missed catching a gator. He was just off to the left. The second time he missed wide right. Luckily, there were a lot of alligators because the third throw was a complete miss of his intended target, but luckily the hook landed perfectly to snag an entirely separate alligator. The hook bit into the scaly hide, and the gator jerked…and then nothing.
“Well that’s weird.” James started pulling the line in. The alligator hissed, but otherwise made no effort to get away. James jerked the creature right up against the boat, “Okay now shoot him.”
Bill grabbed the rifle, pointed it at the gator’s head and…nothing.
“Take off the safety you idiot.” Bill snapped.
James turned the gun over and found the safety. He flipped it off and then took aim.
*Bang*
“Aim for the head!”
“I was aiming for the head!”
*Bang*
“That’s the shoulder.”
*Bang*
“Dammit, you nearly shot me. Give me the gun! You take the line.”
Bill handed the .30-06 bolt action over to his friend, and then took the line. The gator wasn’t even trying to get away, and Bill felt much more comfortable with this particular task.
*Click*
“What the hell?” James pulled the bolt back. “Why’d you only load three?”
“I didn’t. I gave it to Tater. He wanted to do it. He never loaded a rifle before.”
“Okay…well give me some more rounds to load this thing back up.”
“Umm.” Bill looked embarrassed.
“What now?” James said angrily.
“I kind of left the ammo back at your truck.”
“You what! Why didn’t you say something?”
Bill shrugged, “I thought you’d be mad, and I figured we’d only need one bullet anyway.”
“Well we’d only need one bullet if you could shoot for shit. Dammit!” James yelled.
“So what are we going to do?”
James thought about it for a moment, then pulled out his knife. “He’s hooked under the jaw. So you pull as hard as you can until his head is as high out of the water as it can get. Then I’ll take my knife and cut his throat. It’ll be messy, but we’ll still have what we came here for.”
Bill nodded and pulled hard. The alligator’s head rose up, and James cut deeply. The alligator didn’t even flinch. Bill expected the gator to jerk or something, and it’s sudden stillness surprised him. The gator’s scales were hard to cut through, and James had to practically saw his way through the hide. Then entire time he kept expecting a burst of crimson, but instead the blood just sort of seeped out slowly.
“Damn thing is already dead.” James said after a moment of watching the blood trickle out. “Looks like you did a better job than I thought.”
It was a backhanded compliment, but Bill still smiled anyway. James wasn’t the kind of man to give anyone a compliment…backhand or otherwise. Both men pulled for all their worth, and the gator flopped into the boat. The tail dangled over the back of the boat into the water. The two men were celebrating when one of the gators started thrashing.
“That’s the damnedest thing I ever saw.” James said while staring at the gator that continued to splash and roll.
“What’s it doing?” Bill asked nervously.
“No clue, but we got our gator. Let’s head home. Whatever is happening with that gator…it ain’t our problem.” James tried to start the engine, but it only sputtered a few seconds before dying. “Shit!”
“What’s wrong?”
“Not sure, maybe it’s flooded…or maybe something else.” James tried to start it again, but it didn’t even sputter this time. “Fuck a duck!”
“Can you fix it?”
“It might just need a moment.”
“Should we wake up Tater?”
“For what? If I wanted spend my time listening to an asshole I’d just fart.” James snapped.
The two men waited a few more minutes before trying it again. This time the engine sputtered to life. Bill laughed, and just out of curiosity he waved the light one last time out over the gators. The one that had been splashing and rolling was now floating on its back. A large hole in the middle of the gator’s stomach glistened with blood. Its internal organs were barely attached, but floating beside the gator’s body.
“Damn! What do you think did that?” Bill asked. Just then there was a huge splash behind Bill. He looked in the direction of where he’d heard it, but there were only ripples. “What the hell?”
“It’s probably another gator or maybe a catfish.” James sneered.
Bill swept around the boat with his light. All he could see were the eyes of the gator, and a muddy bank.
“See. Now stop being a pussy and…what’s that?” James pointed.
Bill swung the light back in the direction James pointed. Something was moving towards them just under the surface. It was coming at them extremely fast. The wake of water it created was almost a foot higher than the water surface. Bill aimed the light right at the movement, and it stopped. The wake disappeared almost as quickly as it began.
“Deeper…whatever it was it just went dee-“ James’ voice was cutoff in mid-sentence by a splash.
Bill turned toward his where his friend had been, but there was nothing there. “James? Jimmy? Come on man this ain’t funny.” Bill leaned over the back of the boat, and carefully braced himself against the motor. “James?” Bill pointed the light down at the water. The water was calm. A few bubbles came up. “James get your ass back in this boat and stop playing. It’s too dark for this shit.”
The water churned for a moment, and James was almost certain he saw a hint of movement just under the water. He leaned a little closer, and James’ hand shot out of the water and grabbed the edge of the boat. His knuckles were white. Then a second hand slowly came up out of the water and grabbed on as well. James was pulling himself up. Bill stood over the man, shining his light down to see into the muddy water. Finally, James’ face appeared just under the surface. His face was clenched tight with strain. He kept pulling until his nose broke the surface. Suddenly, his eyes shot open in terror, and he screamed. Water flooded into his mouth turning it into a loud gurgle that sounded a lot like a child blowing bubbles in his milk. Then his head disappeared into the muddy depths. His hands held on for dear life. Then the back of the boat was yanked down so hard that Bill nearly fell out of the boat.
Bill was able to regain his balance, and then in a panic he grabbed his friend’s arms and pulled up. Both hands lifted up easily. Then Bill screamed. In each hand he held his friends arms, but they were no longer attached to the man that had been his friend for fifteen years. Bill panicked and flung the arms into the water, and then he looked down just in time to see James’ head, or to be more specific half of his head, floating on the surface of the water. Now he couldn’t even scream. All that came out was a high pitched squeak.
A partially fur covered skeletal claw rose up slowly, curled around what was left of James’ face. It pulled it down so quickly that the splash of water went all the way up and struck Bill in his open mouth. Bill stood frozen in place. He could only vaguely process what he’d just seen. Bill kept trying to force his hand to reach down and twist the handle so that the boat would race off to safety, but he was paralyzed with fear.
Something started rising from the water. It was climbing into the boat behind him, and the boat shifted as though something heavy was climbing up from the side. The boat leaned way over to the side, but eventually straightened up. Bill knew that whatever it was, it was right behind him. He could hear water dripping onto the inside of the boat. He started shuffling his feet in order to turn around. Bill didn’t know exactly what was behind him, but he did know that he was about to die. Panic set in with each careful step. A thought crept into his mind that if he leapt into the water he might escape. Then his eyes found the alligators again. Could he swim to the bank before the gators caught him? Could he even get out of the boat before whatever was standing behind him killed him?
Bill knew he’d only get one chance. If he timed it just right he could be in the water before whatever it was had a chance to react. Then he thought of Tater. He was family. Bill kept turning, and finally began to see the thing that killed James.
He could see the exposed ribcage healing. Inside lungs were inflating and deflating. Flesh was growing over the exposed bone, and fur grew in almost immediately. He looked into its eyes. They were wolf eyes, and they were hungry. The creature growled a raspy growl. Its throat still had a long way to go before it healed. Part of its face was missing, and Bill watched in horror as flesh regrew and became the jowls of a very large werewolf.
Werewolf…there was no other way for Bill’s brain to explain what he was seeing. Terror clawed into his heart, and Bill leapt straight backwards. His eyes found Tater. He was still asleep behind the werewolf. The wolf reached out and grabbed Bill by his belt loop. Bill felt himself jerked back so hard that vertebrae popped. As his face accelerated into the rotten open maw of the werewolf, all Bill could think was the strange thought that he normally had to pay good money for a spinal realignment like that. It was the last thought he’d ever have.
In the moonlight, Danior bit down on his prey’s flesh, tearing off huge chunks, and then swallowed them down in great gulps. With each bite more of his body healed. Organs went from looking dried and cracked, to shiny and slick with blood. After a few more bites flesh grew over the exposed organs. Fur grew over, leaving no sign of any injuries. Blood dribbled down onto the deck, and once Danior had eaten the body completely, he started licking the blood up from the boat. Finally, he saw Tater.
The werewolf started to move in closer, careful not to rock the boat and wake up his next food source. Through careful balance he edged in closer and closer. Danior always believed that stalking was almost as good as feeding. It was like foreplay for food. He edged in even closer. His claw moved into position to snatch Tater up by his throat, but unfortunately snagged the plug for the earbuds to Tater’s cellphone. Justin Beiber’s pubescent voice blared out from the tiny device, and startled the werewolf. Danior had never heard anything as horrible as “Baby”, and its effect on him was much like nails on a chalkboard. He leapt backwards and landed in the water with a heavy splash.
The boat rocked and swayed, but Tater never woke up. He was oblivious to just how close he’d come to being werewolf chow. He just lay there, snoring, and his cellphone kept cycling through songs one by one. The stars were overhead, a full moon lit up the boat, and the werewolf was currently running as far and as fast away from his cellphone as it could. All things considered, if Tater had been awake he’d probably have been thrilled that he was still alive.
Meanwhile, the alligators stomach shifted. Sometime between Justin Timberlake’s “Rock Your Body” and Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” , the gator’s stomach contents started moving back up towards the head. It was slow, but the bulge kept climbing, as though guided by the sound of Tater’s cell phone. It reached the slit in the gator’s throat sometime around the beginning of LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It”, and its’ head popped out of the slit in the throat just as they were at the wiggle wiggle part of the song. It was one of the zombies. The time spent inside the gator had rehydrated what was originally a dried out husk. It still couldn’t move very well, and the stomach acid inside the gator had already digested some of the zombie. Part of its face dissolved away leaving exposed bone.
The zombie followed the music. It had one arm left, and nothing below its bellybutton. Another gator had stolen the lower half, and a third had taken the arm. With the remaining arm it clawed its way out of the gator’s throat and made its way to Tater. It found his foot, and bit down on the ankle. Blood spurted into the creature’s mouth, and then leaked back out of the hole in the side of his face.
Tater’s eyes shot open, immediately aware of the pain in his leg. He looked down, and saw the rotting upper torso that was gnawing at his ankle. “Motherfucker!” Tater screamed and started kicking at the zombie’s head. The first kick knocked the zombie loose, and the second crunched his nose. It reached up and tried to grab Tater again, but it was so decayed that it couldn’t move fast enough to grab the man whose legs were now kicking it in the face like two pistons. The zombie was strong, but had lost almost all its dexterity and coordination.
The zombie chased after him, until he’d almost fell out over the front of the boat before making a mad dash around the zombie to the back of the boat. They boat swayed back and forth, and Tater nearly lost his balance. The zombie turned and followed the music. As it got near, Tater slipped past it again. The zombie turned and followed back to the front of the boat. This went on three more times, and then as he was running to the front of the boat he tripped and fell hard. He slid all the way to the front. The zombie was already hurrying after him. Tater scrambled up to his feet and leapt over the zombie, landing butt first on the dead alligator. His cellphone came off his hip and landed in the water. As it floated away playing the New Kids on The Block and Backstreet Boys “Don’t Turn Out the Lights” the zombie pursued it with single minded aggression. It was blind, but by following the music it knew it had gotten food, and so it continued following the sound right off the boat and into the water.
It took Tater a few minutes before he could think well enough to realize that he was all alone. He searched the water, but he didn’t see anyone. He wanted to cry, but the dull throb in his ankle forced him to focus on his wound. Tater took his shirt off and tied it around his wound. It wasn’t long before there was a red bloom on his shirt from the bite.
“James! Bill! If you’re out there say something. Please!” Tater then looked over at the motor. He was bleeding pretty badly, and he realized he might just bleed to death if he stayed here. “I’m sorry guys. If you’re out there I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He twisted the throttle, and the boat headed back to the pickup.
“Yes?” Sarah Mudd answered the phone.
“It’s Bobby. I need to speak to Colton.” Bobby Mullins’ sounded frantic.
Sarah screamed for her husband, and a few moments later Sheriff Colton Mudd took the phone from his wife.
“This better be important Coonass. We’re about to have dinner, and you know how I feel about Sarah’s pot roast.” Colton growled through the phone.
“I shot him Colt…I blew his damned head apart. You don’t just walk that off.” Bobby sputtered.
“Wait! You shot someone? Who’d you shoot? Tell me what happened.” Colton snapped.
“I gave these two guys a ride. They were acting funny, and getting pretty rude. So I pulled my shotgun out and told them to get out.” Bobby sounded panicked, “I thought that would get them to leave, but they just came at me. They chased me around the pickup, and when I tried to drive off…the one guy leapt into the passenger seat and came after me. His face!”
“What about his face?”
“It was changing…HE was changing.”
“Changing how?” Colton asked.
“You won’t believe me. Hell, I don’t believe me!”
“Bobby…we’ve been friends since we were kids. If you tell me you saw it then I’ll believe you.” Or at least not laugh in your face. Colton kept that last part to himself.
“Not about this.”
Colton pinched his nose as he felt the headache nesting just behind his eyes. “What did you see?”
“Werewolf…I think it was a werewolf.” Bobby whispered. He actually sounded ashamed that the words were coming out of his mouth.
“Werewolf? Do you mean like Lon Chaney’s The Wolfman, the werewolves from The Howling, or are we talking Twilight werewolves?” Colton tried to keep from laughing. The whole thing was just silly.
“Twilight werewolves?”
“If I get out there and some metrosexual asshole starts showing me his abs…I swear to God, Jesus, and Dale Earnhardt that I will lock everyone up.”
“Well it wasn’t Twilight. It was more like The Company of Wolves. Except instead of ripping his skin off…he just sort of shed it like a snake.” Bobby sounded way too confident in his answer for Colton’s comfort.
“If you’re fucking with me you better tell me now, because I swear to God that if this is a joke then I’m going to shoot you in the leg.” Colton grumbled as the scent of pot roast made his stomach growl. “I’ll be over at your house in twenty minutes.”
“Thanks. I didn’t think anyone would believe me.” Bobby sighed in relief.
“I don’t believe you. I think you freaked out and your mind played tricks on you, but either way I need to go out and make sure there isn’t some dead guy on the side of the road. What happened to the other one?”
“He punched through my rear window and tried to drag me out while I was driving. He was strong. You know how they say retards have the strength of ten men.”
“I think that’s an urban legend…and I’m not sure you’re supposed to call them retards anymore?”
“Well whatever they’re called…he was their king. I hit my breaks, and his arm ripped off. The damn thing was still choking me. The retard king rolled out in front of me and then stood back up. So I ran him over with my pickup.”
“Stop calling him a retard. Now let me get over there so you can show me where this happened.” Colton hung up and started putting on his uniform. He walked out the door giving a long looked into the kitchen. His wife Sarah was just setting the pot roast on the kitchen table. “If I don’t make it back…I love you.”
Sarah smiled a million-watt smile, “I love you too.”
“I was talking to the pot roast.” Colton grinned mischievously. “But you’re pretty okay too.”
“Smartass!” Sarah laughed, and her gentle blue eyes twinkled. “Oh well, at least I only have to worry about my husband cheating on me with my cooking.”
“Yep, I’m a one woman man…that likes some pot roast on the side.” Colton laughed and patted his ample belly.
“Pot roast…kinky.”
“Oh you have no idea.”
“I think I do.” Sarah laughed and leaned forward so her husband could get a good look at her cleavage.
Her double D-cups swayed just over the pot roast, and Colton’s eyes glazed over. He couldn’t decide which mouthwatering vision he wanted to put in his mouth first. The juicy pot roast that was already making his stomach growl, or his wife’s breasts that were making other parts stand up and beg.
“You don’t play fair.” He started walking back towards his wife unbuttoning his sheriff’s uniform.
Sarah laughed and pushed him to the door, “Silly, you have work to do. I’ll be home when you get back, and the pot roast will keep.”
Colton whimpered as she pushed him out the front door. “This better not be a prank.”
Sarah leaned down and kissed her husband, “I’m just glad that after all these years, you still think I’m attractive.”
Colton looked at his wife like she was crazy. “Woman, have you seen yourself? Who wouldn’t think you were sexy as hell? I’m just amazed you’re still married to me.”
Sarah’s expression changed into one of playful cockiness, “Well that’s me…just amazing.”
Damn right. A thirty-six year old blond haired, blue eyed woman that cooks like Martha Stewart, looks like Katherine Heigl, and humps like I’ve got the antidote. Who wouldn’t think that’s amazing? I mean she’s six foot a hundred and fifteen pounds soaking wet, funny, smarter than I’ll ever be, cooks like a chef, and breasts….oh sweet baby Jesus those breasts. Plus all the money she makes writing those romance novels. She makes more off one of her books than I make in ten years. So smart, funny, sexy, and rich. The fact that she married a forty-six year old 4’7” redheaded fat dude with pasty white skin and so many freckles that you just want to play connect the dots is just proof that there is always room for a little comedy relief in God’s plan…and the fact she uses me to “research” the sexy stuff is pretty cool too. I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to question it. Colton shook his head and laughed as he walked to his police cruiser.
It was a 2006 Ford Explorer. Almost his entire force was Ford Explorers. Publicly he’d say it was to get down the dirt roads safely. It was true enough, there were so many dirt roads and backwater areas that he needed the four wheel drive to get around. Privately it was because he believed anything that wasn’t a Ford was complete crap. He turned the key, turned up the stereo. It was the one thing he snuck in the budget for himself and his men that you could call a luxury if you wanted to. Otherwise, he was extremely frugal with the city budget. They only got new uniforms when their old ones looked really worn out, and he was careful not to spend on anything that typically wasn’t absolutely necessary. Colton wouldn’t have gotten the radio except he had to drive a lot to get around Livingston Parish, and sometimes the only thing that got him through the endless days of dealing with his more “unique” citizens was the kickass stereo he had installed in each of the Ford Explorers. It was either the stereo, or a new computer in the office. Since none of his men could operate a computer to save their lives, tunes seemed a much better use of money. He twisted the volume until Alice Cooper was loud enough to jam to before heading to his old friend’s home.
Bobby was waiting on his porch when Colton turned into his driveway. Bobby ran up to the sheriff carrying his shotgun. His eyes were already blackened, and a band-aid ran across the bridge of his slightly bent nose. His clothes still had blood on them, and from the blood’s placement Colton was pretty sure it came from the man’s broken nose.
Bobby smiled in relief, “Thank God you’re here.”
“Where do you think you’re going with that?” Colton pointed down at the shotgun.
“I am not going back there without Lucy.” Bobby clutched at his shotgun like a teddy bear.
Colton thought about arguing, but then remembered how stubborn his friend was, “Okay, but you better not shoot anything unless I say so.”
Bobby jumped into the passenger side and buckled up. He was careful to keep “Lucy” ready for action. Colton watched with irritation as the man started putting a few of his ex-wife’s rings down the barrel of his shotgun.
“What in the blue hell are you doing?” Colton asked.
“Werewolf…I ain’t taking any chances.” Bobby fed his ex-wife’s wedding ring down the barrel.
“It isn’t a werewolf. It’s just your overactive imagination.”
“You keep saying that, but when we get there and he starts humping your leg like a Chihuahua…then let’s see what you say.”
Colton shook his head and backed out, “To think I’m missing out on Sarah’s pot roast for this.”
“Well afterwards we can still go to your house and have some pot roast.” Bobby said hopefully.
“You do know if you shot somebody, and I can’t prove you did it in self-defense, then you’ll be in jail right?”
“I think my busted nose and raccoon eyes ought to be enough proof of that. Besides, do you think I’d have called you if I thought I’d end up in jail?” Bobby pointed his friend in the right direction.
“You have a lot more faith in my abilities than I do. You know the new district attorney doesn’t like me. The little rat bastard might just file on you to piss me off.” Colton said as he watched one of Sue’s necklaces slide down the barrel. “I can’t believe she just left all that here.”
“Well it wasn’t like she planned on me catching her.”
“Still, you’d think she’d have gotten something out of the divorce.”
“She did…I promised not to put buckshot in her fat cheating ass as long as I never set eyes on her again.” Bobby laughed.
“Very funny…but seriously, didn’t she get anything.”
“What’s to get? Before I divorced her I suckered her into signing everything over into B.J.’s name. I might have been pissed, but I sure as shit wasn’t stupid.”
“How did you do that?”
“I told Sue it was a tax thing. So we signed the house over, both vehicles, everything in the house, and my business. Sue thought that by signing it to B.J. we’d be freeing up more cash, and keeping all the money safe in case something happened to me. After she signed all the papers I waited a couple weeks then gave her the divorce papers, and you remember how that went.”
Colton laughed, “Yeah, I had to spend an hour convincing you to quit hiding in the bathroom from her.”
“Can you blame me? It took four of your men to bring her down, and that one deputy of yours still walks funny.”
“Yeah, you always did like the feisty ones.” Colton laughed, “So B.J. really went along with it?”
“Hell yeah! Who do you think gave me the idea? Sue was a terrible wife, but she was a really shitty mother.”
“I didn’t know she treated B.J. badly. Why didn’t either of you tell me?”
“Well on my part it was pure terror. The woman scares the living crap out me when she gets angry. B.J. didn’t say anything because as her godfather…you’re a little too overprotective. She thought you might do something you’d regret if you found out.”
“I’m not overprotective.”
Bobby laughed, “Are you kidding me? You gave her prom date a breathalyzer before they left, and then gave him a lecture on statutory rape.”
“He was twenty, and she was only seventeen!”
“He…is your nephew, and she was going to be eighteen in two weeks.” Bobby laughed.
“The law is the law.” Colton grumbled.
“This comes from the man who was eighteen when his future wife was eight, and seventeen is an adult in this state. You can’t bullshit me into buying that crap.”
“Not the same thing.” Colton said, and cringed inwardly at the thought.
“Of course not…and you weren’t following B.J. either.” Bubba laughed.
“That’s just silly. I’d never follow her around. That’s just crazy.”
“Really? So it was just her imagination.”
“What do you mean?”
“She got home and said that everywhere they went she saw this redneckmobile.”
Colton snapped, “Fucking Cletus. I told him to stay far away and follow the GPS.”
“GPS? Where did you get GPS?”
Colton’s shoulders slumped, “One of the bait cars got wrecked a few weeks beforehand, I took the GPS off of it and talked Frank at the limo company to let me put it in the trunk of B.J.’s rental. I swear Cletus was supposed to stay out of sight.”
“Wow…I mean all I can say is wow…and I thought I was overprotective. You do realize that what you did was probably illegal.” Bobby’s shoulders jumped up and down as he laughed.
“Don’t even try to act like you’re mad. That boy fucked a goat. There’s no telling what he might have tried to do with B.J.”
“I’m pretty sure he didn’t screw a goat.” Bobby winced as his broken nose ached from laughter.
“I found him passed out drunk, with his pants around his ankles, and handcuffed to a goat. What else could he have been doing?”
Bobby howled with laughter. “And he was wearing a frilly red thong.”
Colton slammed on the brakes, “How’d you know that?”
“B.J. found out Colby was cheating on her with Sally Mae, and wanted to teach him a lesson.” Bobby was wheezing with laughter, “She talked some of his friends into taking him out drinking. Then when he was passed out they brought him home and called us. Well you can guess the rest.”
Colton roared with laughter, “That boy had no clue. He just kept sputtering about how he was at home and then woke up with the goat.”
“So he still hasn’t figured out what happened?”
“The dumb sunnovabitch has started saying aliens abducted him. So you two really handcuffed him to a goat, and then put those panties on him?”
“Well we handcuffed him, but he was already wearing the panties.”
“Really?”
Bobby nodded, “Yeah, B.J. was pissed. She couldn’t figure out when he stole them from her.”
Colton stopped laughing, “She shouldn’t be wearing those kinds of things. She’s just a kid.”
“B.J. was twenty, and I don’t know about you, but I remember twenty year old women back in my day wearing panties like that.”
“Can we please stop talking about my goddaughters panties…you’re going to give me an ulcer.” Colton grumbled.
Tater stepped off the boat and hopped in the truck. He practically punched the stereo when Motorhead blasted through the speakers. The cd changer cycled, and he began searching until he found something he liked. Some sugary pop songs started playing over the radio as the wheels started spinning, and the pickup sped off so Tater could find some medical help. The parasite was already affecting his mind. Tater’s foot was pressing down on the pedal a little harder every second. Soon he was going eighty miles an hour down a dirt road that wouldn’t be safe for someone to drive thirty miles an hour on.
Somehow he kept it on the road long enough to find a paved street. Tires squealed as he whipped the wheel back and forth to stay on the road. In the distance, a gas station glowed in the night, and Tater stomped the gas to get to the gas station as fast as possible. The pickup closed the distance in a few short moments. Tires squealed as the brakes locked up, and Tater slid the pickup sideways into three parking places next to the building.
Tater slid out of the truck and stomped his way towards the gas station. He didn’t even turn off the pickup. The radio was still blasting songs out at ear splitting levels about how some girl’s love was all the effeminately metrosexual boy band would ever need. His ankle didn’t hurt, in fact he was only vaguely aware of his body at all. It was more like he was aware of sensations, but not actually feeling them. Under normal circumstances he’d have probably noticed this, and thought it very odd, but the parasite was already affecting his mind. He was already beginning to get more aggressive. Hostility was like an undercurrent that flowed just under the surface of his skin, and it was getting stronger every second. Tater neared the door, and a chubby man edged forward in his rusty wheelchair to ask Tater for a few dollars.
“Can I bother you sir? I just need a few bucks to get gas so I can get to my wife. I wouldn’t ask this, but she’s in the hospital and…I’m desperate. I ain’t held a job since I got back from the war. Nobody wants to hire me.” The man gestured down to the blanket covering his lap.
Tater gave the man a hard look. He was just barely twenty years old. His hands were soft and gentle. He looked a little closer and realized the dirt only covered a few places. His forehead was dirty, but his hair was clean. Anger pulsed behind Tater’s eyes, “What war?”
“What?”
“What war did you fight in?”
“Vietnam.” The man answered without even a hint that he might be kidding.
“You lost your legs in ‘Nam?” Tater asked. His voice was calm, but he could already feel the thumping in his neck from every heartbeat.
“Yeah.”
“So you fought in ‘Nam…was it nine eleven that had you sign up, or the Alamo?”
“Alamo?” The man was completely clueless.
“Yeah…you know the saying. We will never forget…to remember the Alamo.”
There was a spark of vague recognition, “Yeah…and it’s good to see patriots like yourself helping out a war vet like me. God bless you sir.”
“Yeah sure, but not in front of the building, let’s go around the side so nobody calls the cops on you and I’ll give you a few dollars.” The man wheeled around the corner to follow Tater. As soon as they were out of sight Tater asked, “What branch of service were you in?”
“Branch of service…” The man seemed a little lost.
“Oh I understand if you don’t like to talk about it. I have some friends that fought in the war. Sometimes they get together and relive all the grim and bloody warfare they experienced fighting the Horde, and the Covenant. Some days I think it’s a miracle they survived all the battles with the Sith, and…well you remember what it was like storming Narnia against those fucking Daleks. Oh well I guess you can’t really expect anything else. I mean they’ve all been fighting in that country since…well forever. I can’t believe they actually went there to fight. I mean who even knows where Sésamo Calle is? Can you tell me how to get…how to get to Sésamo Calle?”
“I have no idea.”
“You don’t? I thought you were military?”
“I-I am. I mean…I mean…I mean they just sort of dropped us down in there.”
“Yeah, my buddy said the same thing. Say, what’s your name?” Tater grinned as he watched the man eyeing every dollar he pulled out.
“Tommy Green.”
“Well Tommy, I just can’t stand to see a good patriotic man suffering out here when they should be at the hospital with their wife. What did you say her name was?” Tater stopped with his fingers on a twenty.
“J-Janet…her name is Janet, and God bless you sir.”
“Oh of course, I’d do anything for a former soldier that helped defend us against the likes of the Cylons. Frankly anybody that had to stare down a few dozen T-800’s and T-850’s deserves my respect. I mean sure they’re old, made in Austria, and sound funny, but I sure wouldn’t want to stand toe to toe with one.”
“Yeah...I was pretty scared. It got hairy back then. Cost me my legs, and I’m pretty upset about that, but thank the good lord Jesus that you came along to help me out, and it sounds like you really know your military…stuff.” Tommy said as his eyes bugged out of his head at the sight of another twenty slipping out of the wallet.
“Yeah, I know a few guys that fought. We get together some time and they talk about their old war stories. I know this one guy that was in the air force. Hell of a pilot. He likes to talk about all the time they spent playing volleyball, but if you get a margarita in him…shit. The man will tell you about his buddy Goose, and this other guy Iceman. I mean he really liked to push the envelope back then.”
“What happened to him?” Tommy asked with fake interest.
“Oh you know, a little of this, and a little of that. He became a race car driver for a bit, then when he got a little older he became a sports agent. The last I heard he was some kind of law enforcement officer. The dude was so good he could actually catch you before you committed the crime. How badass is that?”
“Wow…it sounds like your friends are some damn good soldiers.” Tommy asked, not that he really cared. He was only interested in Tater’s open wallet.
“Yeah, I know this one guy that worked this black ops mission. He helped overthrow this evil dictator.”
“No shit?”
“Yeah, he had to fight his way into these fortresses where they were holding these women hostages. He originally went there just to rescue this one chick, but the problem is he didn’t know where she was. So he had to break into all eight of the fortresses, and wouldn’t you know it…the very last one is the one the girl was being held in. What are the odds?”
“Wow, he sounds like a badass…is he still in the military?”
“No, he retired and went back to being a plumber with his brother.”
“No shit?” Tommy was boring a hold into Tater’s wallet with his eyes.
“No shit. Can I ask you a question?”
Tommy nodded, “Sure.”
“Do you really not know I’m yanking your chain, or are you just trying to humor my crazy bullshit?”
“What?” Tommy looked up into Tater’s eyes.
“Sésamo Calle…Sesame Street asshole!” Tater kicked the wheelchair over, and Tommy was sent sprawling onto the concrete. “What the fuck! You have legs?”
“I tried this the easy way, now we do it the Tommy way.” He stood up on his two very healthy legs, and as if to make a big show of it, he pulled out a huge knife. “Now hand over the money and I’ll only mess you up a little.
Tater leapt at the beggar, and Tommy jammed the knife right into his stomach. Tater stepped back, and then looked down. Blood was running down over his bellybutton and then down onto his pants. Tommy didn’t hesitate, and stabbed Tater two more times; once in the side, and once in the chest. The knife wound to the stomach startled Tater, the one to the side still caught him by surprise, but by the third time Tater was laughing, “It tickles a little.”
Tommy kept stabbing Tater, and Tater just walked forward laughing, “This is kind of cool. Can you shave a little fat off my ass? I wanna look good for summer.”
Tommy raised the knife one more time and tried to bury it in Tater’s laughing face, but Tater caught his arm. Bones cracked and splintered under his grip. Tommy screamed, and Tater responded by giving his arm a fast twist and yank. Tommy’s arm was now a meaty stump just past the elbow. Tater grinned, and started eating the forearm. He wrung out the forearm the same way a person might wring out a wet towel. Meaty pulp and blood dribbled into his mouth, and then as if to add insult to injury…he slurped the marrow.
“What the fuck? Somebody help me!” Tommy screamed.
“Yeah! Somebody help him!” Tater laughed.
Blood spurted, and Tommy tried to hold his hand over the wound hoping he could plug it up like a child plugging a water leak. “Help me please!”
A group of people ran out of the gas station to watch as Tater continued stalking his prey. Blood kept spurting through Tommy’s fingers, but he kept trying to block the flow with his hand. Tater kept biting the forearm like he was chewing on beef jerky. It wasn’t very long before he’d worked his way from the forearm down to the hand.
“Hey leave that poor man alone. He fought in the war.” An older woman screamed from the crowd. The others chimed in their support.
Tater spun around, spit out a finger at the old woman and yelled, “So none of you noticed that he somehow magically regrew his legs? Fucking morons!”
Tommy was getting dizzy from blood loss. He fell to the ground, blood spurting all over the ground, “Someone please help me!” He went from trying to block the flow of blood with his hand, to cupping the blood with his remaining hand and splashing it into the bloody stump in a misguided attempt to get the blood back in.
Tater stood over the man, and then bent over to grab him under the armpit. Effortlessly, he lifted the man off the ground with one arm. “Oh my God…can you believe how strong I am. I guess milk really does a body good.”
“Please don’t kill me.”
“Can you quit saying that? I mean it’s just irritating.”
“I don’t want to die.” Tommy started crying.
“Stop crying. How about a magic trick? You like magic right.”
“N-n-no…” Tommy sobbed.
Tater laughed, “Oh don’t be silly, everyone loves magic. Now watch close…are you ready?”
Tommy shook his head, “Please let me go.”
As the crowd watched the two men, they were all on their cell phones calling 9-1-1. Somewhere in a call center, several calltakers winced as they heard Tommy scream in agony as Tater laughed, “Got your nose” as he ripped the nose off Tommy’s face in one quick swipe of his hand. Then he popped it in his mouth like it was a chicken nugget.
“Why won’t any of you help me?” Tommy begged the crowd.
One of the men answered, “I’d like to, but the 9-1-1 operator told me police are on the way, and that I shouldn’t do anything that I feel might be dangerous.”
“Please!” Tommy begged.
“Hey Tommy…guess what?” Tater said while still chewing on his nose. Tommy didn’t even have the strength to respond. Tater swallowed down the nose and chuckled, “The snozzberries do taste like snozzberries.”
After all the blood loss, Tommy passed out. Tater shrugged, leaned in, and then began chewing his way through the man’s forehead. A few bites later, Tater was making happy sounds as he reached the man’s brain.
It was ten minutes before the police arrived. In that time Tater had eaten his way through the skull, and was picking out the last few bits from the skull like a child grabbing some sweets our of a candy dish. Deputies Cletus Redford and Bob Pocky arrived almost simultaneously. They stepped out of their vehicles and pointed their pistols at the man absentmindedly chewing off one of Tommy’s ears.
“Freeze!” Deputy Redford screamed while pointing his gun at center mass. Then the deputy keyed up on his radio, “We need E.M.S. en route, have them stage. Also give us the channel.”
A disembodied voice came through the radio, “Dispatch to all units. We are on emergency traffic only for Eagle twenty-one’s disturbance at highway twelve and Forest road. Dispatch to any available seargeant?”
After a moment of silence, Colton’s voice barked through the radio, “I copied. I’m currently logged off, but I’m monitoring. Do either of you have a tazer?”
“No…they’re still being repaired. Colton…this looks pretty bad. This guy is…I mean…just please get down here as soon as you can.” Deputy Pocky practically pleaded into the mic.
“…” The microphone keyed up, but no one said anything. Then a few seconds later, “I’ll be heading your way. Dispatch, can you log me on, and I have a rider. Coona…er um…Bobby Mullins is with me. Please note that in my login. Also note that he is carrying a shotgun. Dispatch…show us running code.”
“10-4.” The dispatcher’s voice answered with no hint of emotion.
Both deputies breathed a sigh of relief, and then began screaming for Tater to surrender. Cletus held his gun steady as a surgeon, but Bob’s hand shook like he had Parkinson’s disease. Both men were terrified, but only one was visibly showing it. To the crowd, Deputy Cletus Redford perfectly resembled the part of a tough young cop.
Don’t scream like a girl…don’t scream like a girl…and if you do scream like a girl, try to make it a manly girl! That thought kept circling over and over in Deputy Redford’ mind like a song stuck on a loop, but on the outside he was screaming at the man, and doing his best to maintain control of the situation.
Aim for center mass. Try to keep the suspect away from the crowd. If they don’t back up this could get bad really quickly, but I can’t turn away from the suspect to tell them to get to safety…I really wish I hadn’t listened to Cletus. We should have asked for a third unit to assist before we ever got out here. I mean sure we’re it, but we could have asked for mutual aid from another department. Now I’m gonna have to shoot this guy because Cletus wanted to play cowboy, and what’s wrong with this guy anyway? What kind of drugs is this whack-job on that could make him act like this? Deputy Pocky thoughts may not have matched his body language, but his mind was going as fast as it could to try to find a peaceful solution. Until then he was falling back on the old standby of screaming for the man to surrender.
“Dude…seriously, don’t yell. I’ll share.” Tater waved the dead body up at the deputies.
“Put him down…n-n-NOW!” Deputy Pocky also took careful aim, but his hand was visibly shaking.
“Damn…you people are so bossy. Fine.” Tater tossed the body away. Tommy’s corpse sailed through the air and landed into the trash.
“Get on the ground now!” Both officers screamed.
“What? Was I supposed to recycle?” Tater laughed, and bits of Tommy rand down his chin. The crowd started holding up their cellphones to record everything. Tater looked at the crowd and gave a very courteous bow, “I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Demille.” He immediately started moving towards the crowd.
The officers saw him moving, and began shooting. Each round hit Tater in the chest, but he barely noticed it. When the officers started reloading, Tater chuckled and said, “Man we got some big ass mosquitos around here.”
“How are you even still standing?” The old woman said. Her feet were frozen in place from fear.
“I don’t know…the power of positive thinking?” Tater said before biting into her shoulder.
“Oh God someone help me!” She screamed.
The crowd just formed a semi-circle around the old woman and collectively stared at the police as if to say, “Well? Are you going to do anything?”
Both deputies keyed up on their on their radios, “Shots fired!”
The dispatcher keyed up in emotional flatline, “Multiple units. Eagle twenty-one you were covered by Eagle twenty-two. Can you readvise your traffic?”
“Shots fired! We need assistance. We just emptied both of our guns into the subject, and he didn’t even flinch.”
Dispatch keyed up in a calm monotone, “Received, Eagle twenty-two? Go ahead with your traffic.”
“It was the same thing…and OH SH-“ Deputy Pocky hand slipped off the radio button before finishing, “IT!”
Deputy Pocky had been so shaken by the attack on the old woman, that he didn’t realize how much closer the suspect was to them now that he was attacking the old woman. When Tater leapt off the old woman, and onto the police cruiser, it took the deputy completely by surprise. Tater then ran across the hood and dove right into both deputies. He began biting them both, and tearing at them both like a dog that can’t make up its mind which chew toy to play with. Only then did the crowd start funneling back into the gas station for safety.
Cletus Redford’s voice blasted out from Colton’s radio, “We need E.M.S. en route, have them stage. Also give us the channel.”
The dispatcher’s voice caused Bobby to wince, “Dispatch to all units. We are on emergency traffic only for Eagle twenty-one’s disturbance at highway twelve and Forest road. Dispatch to any available seargeant?”
Colton turned down the volume to his police radio, “Sorry, I try to keep that turned up so I can listen to the radio.” He then picked up the handheld microphone and said, “I copied. I’m currently logged off, but I’m monitoring. Do either of you have a tazer?”
“No…they’re still being repaired. Colton…this looks pretty bad. This guy is…I mean…just please get down here as soon as you can.” Deputy Pocky practically pleaded into the mic.
Colton keyed, up but unkeyed immediately when Bobby said, “Man that one dude sounds like he’s falling apart. What kind of chickenshit deputies do you have working for you?”
“Don’t worry about Bob, he’s skittish, but does a good job.” Colton then keyed back up, “I’ll be heading your way. Dispatch, can you log me on, and I have a rider. Coona…er um…Bobby Mullins is with me. Please note that in my login. Also note that he is carrying a shotgun. Dispatch…show us running code.”
“10-4.” The dispatcher’s voice answered with no hint of emotion.
“Wow, she sounds bored.” Bobby laughed.
“Not really, she’s just really well trained. A good dispatcher never flinches, and Lisa is a great dispatcher.”
“Really? It just sounds like she doesn’t care.”
Colton nodded, “Yeah, but that comes with practice. You don’t want your dispatcher getting emotional. The best dispatcher is someone that sounds calm and clear when the rest of us are freaking out.”
Colton reached down, but before he could do anything Bobby asked, “What’s code mean?”
“It means we’re driving to the scene with our lights and sirens on.”
Colton tried to flip the switch, but Bobby interrupted, “Can I do it?”
“Do what?”
“The lights and sirens…can I turn them on?”
Colton sighed, “Everybody wants to play with the lights and siren…go ahead. Flip those two switches.”
Bobby did as he was instructed, and then grinned like a big kid as the blue and red lights blinked and spun. “This is so cool.”
Colton pressed harder onto the gas, “Hopefully all of this will be taken care of before we get there, and then we can go investigate your crazy werewolf shit.”
“I know what I saw.”
“I’m sure you did, but that doesn’t mean that is really what happened. You were scared, and in the heat of the moment I think maybe your imagination the better of you.”
Bubba grumbled, “I wasn’t scared.”
“Sure you were. Shit…I’d be scared if someone came after me. There’s nothing to be ashamed of by that.” Colton answered.
The police radio squelched loudly. A moment later Lisa, the dispatcher, keyed up, “Multiple units. Eagle twenty-one, you were covered by Eagle twenty-two. Can you readvise your traffic?”
Deputy Redford’ voice was terrified, “Shots fired! We need assistance. We just emptied both of our guns into the subject, and he didn’t even flinch.”
Lisa’s calm voice responded, “Received, Eagle twenty-two? Go ahead with your traffic.”
Deputy Pocky screamed, “It was the same thing…and OH SH-“
Sheriff Mudd stomped the gas pedal almost all the way to the floorboard. The engine roared, and both men were pressed back further into their seats. The tires squealed as they rounded every curve and corner. Bobby tried to ignore it by turning up the stereo in the hopes that it might drown out the sound of the tires skidding and screeching as the Explorer slid all over the road. Instead it almost became a soundtrack to his friend’s terrifying driving. More than once the Explorer fish-tailed around a corner, and twice it felt like they’d just barely avoided rolling over. The flashing lights were a warning to anyone on the road. In seconds Colton went from driving seventy down the road, to flying down the road at almost one hundred and ten miles an hour.
“Should we be driving like this?” Bobby squeaked as he held onto the armrest for dear life.
“No.” Colton responded, but then pressed the gas down even further.
The two men were a blur of red and blue light as they raced to the crime scene. Ten minutes later they arrived. The gas station was dark, but there were cars parked with the fuel nozzles still in the gas tank. Two police vehicles were parked with their lights still flashing. A pickup was still running, and its stereo was playing Britney Spears’ “Oops!...I Did it Again”. As Colton pulled up he could see both of his deputies lying face down beside one of the cruisers. An old woman was flat on her back beside a rusty old wheelchair. Colton flipped off the siren, but left the flashing lights on.
“Can we turn that shit off?” Bobby asked as both men stepped out of the ford explorer.
“No…you might ruin evidence.” Colton answered as he went to check the two officers.
“But-“
Colton hissed, “Shhhh…we don’t know where the guy is.” He then pressed the button on his radio, “Dispatch, the scene is not secure, but I need ems up here now. I have two officers down. An elderly woman, and an unknown number of victims.”
Lisa responded a few moments later, “Eagle one…be advised fire and ems are not responding. GPS shows them about one block north of your location.”
“Shit…be ready.” Colton spat.
Both men ran north. They found the medics gutted with bloody handprints covering the inside of the ambulance. One of the men was still going through his final death spasms, but the other man was clearly dead. Both paramedics had bites taken out of their faces, and their internal organs were strewn all over the ground.
“Jesus…” Bubba whispered.
“Keep your eyes out. Let’s get to the firemen.”
The two men walked carefully to the fire engine. Bobby squinted, “I can hardly see through these damn flashing lights.”
Colton nodded, “Yeah, but if we are having trouble seeing, then so is whoever is doing this.”
“Maybe we should get another paramedic?”
“We can’t. They were our only paramedics for the night, any more and we’d need to ask for mutual aid. I want to hold off on that until we have this under control. No sense if having someone stage and get attacked just like those two back there.”
There was a scream of pain from behind the fire engine, “Take that you son of a bitch!”
Bobby and Colton ran to the fire engine. Colton was wheezing from the run, “Jesus…I have to start working out.”
Both men stepped around the back of the fire truck. Several firemen were sprawled out on the pavement, all of them nursing bite wounds. Two of them looked to be dead. Esteban Martinez, the fire chief, leaned against the bumper of his fire truck nursing a bite to the leg. His salt and pepper hair had clumps of dried blood in it. At his feet was Tater. A fire axe was buried in his head.
The fire chief looked at Colton, “It took you long enough. Where are the rest of you?”
“Dead.” Colton said. His voice cracked with emotion.
“Damn shame. We kept expecting them to tell us to come in, and then we heard some screaming, but policy says we can’t go in until it’s clear. This guy was on us before we even realized it.” The fire chief shook his head and sat down on the bumper beside a bumper sticker that said, “If putting out fires was easy…police would do it.”
“Damn Esteban, it looks like he was kicking ya’lls ass like it was going out of style. You guys couldn’t have just held him down?”
“Like I said, he just was on us. We didn’t expect anyone to come walking up here, and the next thing we knew this guy was tossing us around like rag dolls, and biting everybody. Shit, he threw Jake like a knuckleball into that Toyota over there. That has to be twenty feet.” Esteban pointed at a blue car. Its windshield was smashed in, and only a leg was sticking out.
“Retard strength.” Bobby said.
“Stop saying that. Someone will hear you, and I’ll be the one catching hell for it.” Colton snapped.
“Remember when the Salinger kid got high on PCP and it took everybody to hold him down.” Esteban asked.
“Yeah, little bastard was squirrelly, and he kept pissing on us.” Colton shuddered.
“It was like that, but this psycho was stronger. He barely even felt what we were doing to him. He walked up here with gunshot wounds, knife wounds, and a face that looks like somebody pounded it into hamburger. How the hell he kept coming is beyond me. The son of a bitch was even making jokes. I mean look at the exit wounds. Three of those bullets had to have gone through the heart, and one of the cuts is through a major artery. How do you even survive that?”
Colton and Bobby stared at Tater’s now lifeless body. The exit wounds were all over his back, but both men could see the fire chief was telling the truth. At least three of the bullets had to have struck the heart, and the knife wounds were deep. Any one of them would have been enough for the man to have bled to death eventually.
“Zombie.” Bobby whispered.
“What?” Colton asked.
“He was a retarded zombie. That’s why they couldn’t kill him like anybody else.” Bobby said nervously.
Fire Chief Esteban gave Colton a nervous look to the sheriff as if to subtly voice his concerns about the sanity of Colton’s friend. The sheriff rubbed his head as a headache was just starting to develop. It was a headache that only showed up when Bobby was around saying or doing something particularly idiotic. Colton was used to his friend’s particular brand of crazy, but at the rate Bobby was going, today would be a new high water mark in stupidity.
He took a moment to massage the beginnings of the headache away and then responded, “Retarded zombie? First you start talking crazy about werewolves, now you’re talking zombies…retarded zombies at that. I’m calling B.J. and having her cancel your subscription to Netflix. All those horror movies are rotting your brain.”
“I’m just saying that he wouldn’t die until they destroyed the brain. Plus he had retard strength, so that means retarded zombie.” Bobby said it with complete acceptance, and that’s what upset Colton the most.
“We’re not having this conversation right now Bobby. I love you like a brother, but you need to stop talking for a little bit. Somebody is going to hear your bullshit, and lock you up in a padded cell for it.” Colton then turned to the fire marshal, “If you can keep an eye on the scene up here, I’ll go back down to the gas station and see if there are any survivors. Then we’ll call in mutual aid and let them come take care of this so you guys can get to the hospital. Let me just make sure there aren’t any others.”
Esteban nodded and watched as Colton and Bobby wandered back down the street. By the time they turned down towards the gas station a thought was worming into his head. Esteban realized he was starting to get hungry. It was a hunger he’d never experienced before. He knew what he wanted, and strangely the thought didn’t horrify him. It seemed as natural as breathing, or enjoying a sunset. He put his foot on Tater’s back, and yanked the axe out of his head. He then surveyed the area. Most of his men were starting to get back up. Something about them seemed…unappetizing. It was as though some part way down deep told him they’d already passed their expiration date. Sure he could eat them, but why go after them when he knew where to find two that were still fresh.
“Hey Max, are you hungry?” Esteban asked to the leg sticking out of the front window of the car.
“I could go for a bite. Can somebody give me a hand? The gearshift is stuck in my side, and it itches like a son of a bitch.” Max said.
“Rico, Mo, Peanut…give him a hand.” Esteban gave his men orders, and they carried them out.
Max Gossage was impaled on the novelty gearshift. After a few minutes of pulling, the three firemen grabbed a tool for cutting their teammate out. Two minutes later Max was on his feet and walking around. Without his body pressing down on the gearshift, he barely noticed it. He would have completely ignored it except it was shaped to look like a bar beer tap handle, and for the first minute or two his buddies kept trying to pull it down like they were trying to pour themselves a glass.
Max slapped one of his friend’s hands away, “Dammit Mo, stop touching it.”
“Oh…all the white guys get to touch it, but let the black man touch it and you get all bent out of shape.” Mo teased.
“Asshole.” Max laughed.
Esteban shook his head, “Alright, we have options. We can go down there and take down Colton, and that nine-fingered fella, or we can go find ourselves some food that isn’t armed. I say we go down and prove once and for all that firemen can beat cops any day.”
Mo nodded, “Yeah, I call dibs on Coonass.” When Esteban looked at him in confusion Mo continued, “The nine-fingered asshole…I banged his wife, and the asshole walked in on us and kicked my ass. I think it’s time for some payback.”
Esteban shrugged, “Eat who you want. It’s a buffet. Now grab an axe or something because they’re armed.”
The firemen took axes, crowbars, and Mo picked up the chainsaw. They began walking after their intended victims. But the time they reached the ambulance, the paramedics were standing up. Both men’s innards kept spilling onto the ground, and they had to keep gathering their intestines up like loose laundry.
“Tommy? Man you look like shit.” Esteban laughed.
“Yeah, but I feel pretty good. My feet stopped hurting.” Thomas Hack said even as he was trying to scoop up his spleen.
Scooter Hobson shuffled past his fellow paramedic to get a closer look at Max. After a few moments, he gave the beer tap a pull. Max slapped his hands away, “What the fuck. Does everyone need to touch it?”
Scooter teased, “Talk about false advertising. You got my hopes up. So what else do you do?”
Max grinned, “Nothing, but Mo had a cigarette machine installed last week. Put five dollars in his hand. Then pull his dick and a pack of cigarettes will pop out his ass.”
Mo gave Max a friendly punch in the arm, and then they all turned their attention toward the gas station. They walked quietly towards the sign that said cheapest gas in the city. Esteban took the lead. His men spread out to block the hole street as they approached. Bringing up the rear, Scooter Hobson and Thomas Hack were wobbling down the street holding their internal organs in both hands. Both men were trying to keep up, but every time they got moving too fast something fell off. Once it was a liver, once a kidney, and once Scooter’s heart fell on the ground. In an effort to pick it up, Scooter ended up dropping his small intestine, but when he tried to scoop up his small intestine his stomach fell and ruptured. Stomach acid ran down the street.
“Fuck it!” Scooter snapped and just dropped everything and started walking. His entrails dragging behind him, slowing him down like a bloody anchor.
“Dude…that’s just gross.” Thomas groaned.
“I don’t care.” Scooter spat.
“Well you aren’t getting back in the ambulance like that. I just washed it.”
“And just how are you planning on getting back in the ambulance without getting blood on everything?”
Thomas thought about it, and then grinned. “That gas station probably has duct tape. I’m gonna get in there eat, and then wrap myself up in enough duct tape that I don’t have to worry about it.”
Scooter thought about it, and then bent down to pick everything back up, “Good plan…SHIT!”
“What?”
“Someone spit out their gum, and I got it stuck on my pancreas.” Scooter pulled at the piece of gum. It stretched, but didn’t come off the organ. Scooter dry-heaved as the gum stretched. Eventually he pulled it off and tossed it away with a flick of his finger, then shuddered, “Thank God. Why can’t people be careful with their gum…that was just disgusting.” Scooter bent over and resumed picking up his organs.
The two paramedics shuffled after the firemen, but they couldn’t move at a pace anywhere near what the firemen could. It wasn’t long before the firemen were almost at the gas station. Thomas’ lower intestine fell down, and tangled itself in his legs until Thomas fell forward on his face.
“What the hell?” Colton asked.
The two men stood in front of the gas station. Deputies Redford and Pocky were both missing, and so were their police SUVs. If that wasn’t confusing enough, some of the other vehicles had driven off. The only evidence that anything was wrong was the empty wheelchair, the pitch black gas station that normally was open twenty-four hours a day, and the truck with its driver side door wide open and its radio playing Backstreet Boys “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” at earsplitting loudness. Colton moved to the gas station doors to see if he could check inside for any survivors.
“I should have done this first.” Colton said as he pushed the doors open. “Hello? Anyone here? Achmed?”
“What can I do you for you my friend?” The very much Hindu gas station attendant popped up from behind his register holding a slurpee.
“What happened out there, and where are my men?” Colton asked as he walked closer.
“Nothing…everything is just as it should be my short and pudgy friend.” The gas station attendant took a long slurp from his cup.
“What’s wrong with the lights?” Bobby asked.
“We blew a fuse. Maybe if one of you helps me flip the breaker we could get the lights back on? What do you say my friend? Will you help, or maybe you Cowboy?”
“Cowboy?” Bobby questioned, then nudged Colton, “Does this seem normal to you?”
“Quit being a baby. Achmed calls every white guy he doesn’t know with a southern accent Cowboy. Go back there and help Achmed flip that switch. I’ll call dispatch and see if what happened to Cletus and Bob’s vehicles. Maybe the medical examiner sent the Meyer’s family to pick up the bodies. Jacob, Edward, and Bella are always a pain in the ass. They never want to wait. Their motto is, Scoop and Scoot! Creepy family.”
“Creepy how?” Bobby asked.
“I’ve never seen anything myself, but I have a real distinct impression that their family tree might just be a carrot.” When Bobby still looked confused Colton continued, “They’re the only family that thinks Muskrat Love is a Christmas carol.” Bobby still didn’t understand. “When you see them…you just sort of hear banjo music playing in your head.”
“What?” Bobby sounded completely lost.
Achmed stepped around the cash register and began moving to the back. “I believe what my vertically challenged friend is saying is that they are siblings and cousins, or it might be better to describe them as boyfriend and girlfriend and boyfriend. It is a very incestuous relationship. It is the redneck hillbilly love that so many of you make the jokes about.”
“Eww.” Bobby sounded completely disgusted.
Achmed laughed, his accent making his laughter almost musical, “Come with me, my cowboy friend. Together we’ll get the power back on.”
Bobby followed the little hindu all the way into the back office. He set his shotgun just outside the doorway. Achmed was still sucking away on his big slurpee like it was the best thing ever. Bobby almost tripped over boxes twice before Achmed lead him to the breaker.
“So I just flip all these switches, and the lights come on?” Bobby asked.
“Yes my cowboy friend.” Achmed said from somewhere in the office. Bobby couldn’t be sure what he was doing, but it sounded like he was feeling around in the darkness for something. Boxes were moved, and a few things fell off what he assumed was a desk.
The sound of shuffling came from the back of the store near the beer and milk. Colton started walking down the candy aisle beside the fountain drinks when the lights outside finally turned back on. The gas pumps were lit up, and the ambient light turned the inside of the gas station from an almost pitch black, to dark shadows. Colton was happy that now he didn’t have to worry about tripping over his own two feet.
“Is anyone back there?” Colton asked.
He froze in place as a sound that was equal parts gagging and gargling responded. A head rose up from near the refrigerated section. The lights just outside the glass lit up, and gave Colton a perfect silhouette of the man now walking next to the ice cream, and getting closer with every step. Two more heads rose up near the beer, and followed the first. One was clearly feminine, her ponytail bounced with every step. The third was so fat that its silhouette looked more like a snowman than a person. It had a giant head that sat on an equally giant body. There was not even a hint of a neck.
“Are you three alright?” Colton asked.
“Never felt better sheriff.” The woman responded.
The power to the refrigerators came back on, and they began to hum as the first man finally rounded the corner. Colton instinctively stepped back.
“Oh sheriff, you’re not afraid of us are you?” The fat blob said, and Colton realized by the voice that it was definitely a man.
“Duffy? Is that you?” Colton asked.
“Yep.” Duffy responded.
“What were you doing back there? “ The sheriff asked nervously. Something about the whole thing was setting him on edge.
“Eating.” Duffy answered.
Power returned to the cash register, and as the machines came on they made an awful racket. Colton spun around and drew his gun on the cash register before realizing what it was. “Shit. Coonass! Hurry up and get the lights on. I’m jumping at shadows out here.”
“Wussy!” Bobby’s voice teased from the back room before he answered, “Almost done.”
Colton turned back around to the three people walking towards him. They were much closer now. The first man was almost halfway up the aisle. The woman was behind him, and Duffy was rounding the corner. Then the lights flickered on. Colton’s eyes had to adjust to the light. It took a moment, but then he saw them…he saw everything.
Bloody handprints were on the windows where people tried to escape. Arterial sprays were on the walls. The hotdog machine was clumsily turning a man’s forearm, and it was plumping up like the hotdogs that were cooked beside it. The slurpee machine was still working, but two legs were sticking out of the top of it. The rotors inside were churning the bloody remains into a coke flavored bloody slush. Colton’s eyes were wide like a scared animal. Then he saw them.
Duffy, the fat man, had chunks ripped out of his face and body like someone had tried to eat him. He was holding some poor man’s leg like it was a turkey leg from one of those renaissance fairs. He kept taking bites, but bits and pieces fell out of a hole in his cheek as he chewed. The woman in front wasn’t much better. She was missing an eye. It looked like someone had actually chewed it off from her face. One of her breasts was completely eaten away, and the ripped shirt hung around her hips exposing the other perky boob that bounced and swayed all by itself. Blood ran down her face, and Colton was almost certain it wasn’t her blood. She tried to smile seductively, but pieces of flesh were stuck in her teeth. Then there was the man in front. He was missing the whole lower half of his face. Everything from the bottom jaw down to his chest was just gone. His tongue hung down through the hole in his neck almost like it was a tie. He was missing his forearm, and Colton realized it was probably the very same one cooking on the hotdog machine.
“Coonass! We got a problem!” Colton lifted the gun and pointed it at the first of the three when there was a loud bang from the back office, and the lights went out. The entire gas station went pitch black. The only hint of a light was the corner streetlight that just barely reached to the cash register.
***A FEW MOMENTS EARLIER***
Bobby flipped the first switch. It turned over with a loud snapping sound. “Nothing.”
“You will have to flip them all my cowboy friend.” Achmed knocked something down with a metallic clang.
“Okay, well here goes.” Bobby flipped them one at a time. As he did, he could also hear Achmed shuffling across the floor back towards the breaker.
“Shit. Coonass! Hurry up and get the lights on. I’m jumping at shadows out here.” Colton screamed.
“Wussy!” Bobby screamed back as he continued to flip the switches. “Almost done.”
As he flipped the final breaker, the sudden brightness blinded both Bobby, and Achmed. It took a moment for either of them to see.
“Coonass! We got a problem!” Colton screamed.
Bobby tensed and went on alert. His vision was returning, and he was just able to see out of the corner of his eye a slightly blurry Achmed was ready to swing something at him. Bobby flopped onto the ground, his vision clearing just in time to see the bat cut through the air. There was an audible swoosh, and then it hammered into the fuse box. The lights went out, and Achmed yelped as voltage poured through the bat and into his body. Bobby actually smelled burning hair as he crawled towards safety.
Achmed jerked back, dislodging his bat from the breaker box, “If you are reincarnated as a human, my friend, could you please come back as someone much slower.” Bobby crawled to the door as quickly as possible. Achmed was fast on his tail, “And now my friend. You become my dinner.”
Bobby grabbed a box, and rolled onto his back holding the box between himself and Achmed. The bat came down with a whoosh, and struck the box with enough force to cause its contents inside to explode out. Cheesy Poofs went everywhere. Bobby tossed the box away, and grabbed another one. Then started shuffling towards the door on his back screaming, “Colton! You don’t know the half of it.”
*Bang*
Colton fired one round towards where he believed the center mass was on the man. The muzzle fire lit up the room. Colton didn’t hear any glass shatter, or anything break, so he assumed he’d struck the first man. Unfortunately, the bullet didn’t appear to have slowed him down at all. He could still hear the sound of the man walking towards him, but now his ears also were ringing from the gunfire.
“Coonass! I could use a hand here.” Colton yelled.
“Kind of busy myself!” Bobby screamed as the bat came back down onto the box. Cheese flavored popcorn flew in all directions, but the box spared Bobby what would have certainly been a death blow. Bobby kicked the box up into Achmed’s face, turned over and scrambled out the doorway. He snatched up his shotgun, kicked the door closed behind him, and then braced it with his body.
*Bang-Bang*
Colton fired two more rounds.
*Clang-Clang*
Achmed beat the bat against the door, “Let me out my cowboy friend. I have to work the rest of my shift. The pop-tarts and hot-pockets do not sell themselves. Plus I still want to eat your brain. I still have some leftover curry to go with it, and hummus to dip it in. I don’t understand why you’re being so difficult about this.”
“Fuck you, and your retard strength!” Bobby screamed through the door.
“Now my friend, there is no reason to be saying such rude things.” Achmed responded. Then the bat struck the door again. The impact rattled Bobby’s teeth. The bat deformed the door. A huge dent stuck out beside Bobby’s head. If he’d have been where the bat struck then he would have been killed instantly.
“Colton, we have to get out of here!” Bobby let go of the door and backed towards the exit.
“I’m right behind you.” Colton backpedalled as quickly as he could. As he got closer to the exit, the light from the streetlight illuminated his three pursuers.
The first man was still as hideous as before, except now he had three bullet holes in his chest. The woman had two bullet holes in her, and Duffy had one bullet in him. None of them looked even slightly fazed by the injuries. When Colton shot the first man, they must have passed through him and struck the other two. There was a tight grouping where the first man’s heart was. Two of the bullets had went through and struck the woman in the collarbone, and right in the nipple. There was now a hole instead of a nipple, blood oozed out of the wound with each step. Duffy was struck in the hip, and it looked by the way he limped that the bone had been shattered. It was just proof that bullets always take the path of least resistance, and so they just didn’t fly straight after they hit someone. In theory if they did then there should have been an equally tight grouping, instead they had gone in very different directions.
*Clang-Clang*
“Let me out!” Achmed yelled through the door. When there was no response he twisted the handle and it opened slowly. He was already far behind everyone, and so he scrambled past his three undead patrons with his bat in one hand, and the slurpee in the other.
Bobby swung the door open, and Colton backed out. Then, right before he closed the door, Bobby reached inside and grabbed a mop. He closed the door, and then slid the mop handle through the door handles in order to trap their pursuers inside. Then he and Colton moved farther away.
Achmed was the first to the glass, “My friends. You are both being so silly. Come back inside, and we’ll all laugh about how silly this all is while we eat you.” When he realized that both men weren’t eager to come back inside, Achmed tried to sound as persuasive as possible, “I have hummus.”
Bobby and Colton kept backing away towards their Explorer. Both men kept their weapons pointed at the entrance. The full moon was sitting high overhead, and they could see the four inside staring back out at them. It was as if everything had suddenly decided to work together against the two men. Even the truck that had been blasting out annoying pop tunes refused to give them a break as it reached the end of the cd and then shuffled. A few seconds later more cheesy pop music started playing. “Fuck it! I can’t take any more of this teeny bopper bullshit!”
*Bang*
The stereo was finally quiet. “Colton, I hope you got a plan?” Bobby asked nervously.
“Run like hell, and hope they stay locked inside.” Colton spat out as he tried to will his legs to run away. Unfortunately his mind was still fighting to process everything he’d seen in the last few moments, and so he could barely keep his legs underneath him as he backed away in terror.
“Oh no no no my friends. You will not be leaving so soon I think.” Achmed said with a playful grin before pushing against the glass door until if gave way. The thick glass shattered, and fell all over him, leaving countless cuts in his face and body. One particularly large piece of glass was imbedded in his shoulder. “Now come back here my friends.”
“Holy shit!” Bobby screamed and drew a bead on Achmed’s chest.
*Ka-blam*
The spent shell twirled out into the night as it was ejected so that another could take its place in Bobby’s shotgun. The pellets, along with the silver jewelry he’d loaded on the ride over, struck Achmed dead center, and he jerked back with the impact. “Please do not be doing that again.” Achmed asked patiently before sipping from his slushee. Under the moonlight the men could finally see what the man had in the clear slushee cup. It was a frozen slush of blood and chunks of what they assumed to be a person.
“There goes your werewolf theory.” Colton muttered to his friend before firing five more rounds into Achmed’s chest. By the time the fifth round ripped through Achmed’s chest, it was nothing more than a shredded, pulpy mass. Bobby fired once again and the pellets hit the already damaged area, and tore large holes all the way through, but he kept walking towards them.
Achmed’s grin got wider as Duffy and the other two spread out to try and encircle them. There was no sense of urgency on their part as they slowly tried to corral Bobby and Colton. Colton fired another five rounds. Three of them into Duffy, two of those into his knees, and the third went into his shoulder. The fat man’s legs folded backwards, and he fell hard onto his butt. The impact caused him to drop the leg he’d been chewing on so vigorously. It wasn’t long before he began to crawl towards them. One round hit the woman in the stomach, and she giggled as if he’d tried to tickle her. The final round struck the man missing the lower half of his face. The bullet went through his forehead, and tore off part of the back of his skull. He collapsed immediately, and lay still.
“Zombies?” Bobby said as if trying to piece everything together. A sly grin grew on his face as he aimed carefully for the woman, “You think you’re gonna eat me you zombie piece of shit!” The woman nodded and leaned forward to attack when Bobby pulled the trigger, “Let me change your mind!”
The shotgun belched out, and instantly the woman’s head was a red mist. The two remaining zombies froze. Achmed looked down at Duffy, and Duffy twisted his body so that he could look up at Achmed. The realization that they could be killed sank in, and instead of playfully pursuing their prey, both undead men turned and went after Bobby and Colton with determined hunger.
Colton aimed at the crawling fat man, and fired a round that went through the skull. Duffy collapsed on the ground. He wouldn’t be getting back up. Meanwhile Bobby backpedalled and aimed for the dot on Achmed’s forehead. Then as he pulled the trigger he said in a particularly bad Indian accent, “Thank you, come again!”
Achmed’s eyes were wide with fear as he realized what was about to happen, and less than a second later most of his face was missing. The only thing left attached was his left ear, and that side of his face. The rest was reduced to pulp, or blown off completely. Achmed dropped his slurpee, and his bat. Then collapsed on the ground.
Colton glared at his friend, “Really?”
“What?” Bobby grinned.
“You know what. I mean come on, did you have to make fun of the way he talked. He was a nice guy. I mean that was just plain rude.”
“He was trying to eat us, I’m not too worried about offending his delicate sensibilities. Besides you think anybody that gives you free food is nice.” Bobby laughed.
“That isn’t the point. I mean can’t you be a little more sensitive about stuff like that.”
“Stuff like what?” Bobby feigned ignorance.
“Oh I don’t know. Maybe saying stuff like retard strength, and making fun of Achmed. You know Sarah hates it when you say stuff like that. She says it makes you sound like a dumb redneck.”
“I really don’t think that’s what she said, and if she did…well shit, in case you haven’t noticed all these years…I am a dumb redneck. The nine fingers should have been a fucking clue, and the last time I checked high society didn’t exactly welcome men who build septic tanks for a living with open arms.” Bobby grinned. “More importantly, in case you forgot, you’re a dumb redneck too, and a ginger. If you watched any more NASCAR we’d have to pull one of those hippie intervention things.”
“Okay, maybe Sarah didn’t actually say you sound like a dumb redneck, but it does upset her when you say insensitive stuff like you do. She loves having you around, but some of the crazy shit you say really does bother her. Can you at least try to be a little more sensitive towards people?”
“Sure…” Bobby said, and then a grin crawled across his face, “Oh…Colton. I think it’s happening. I can feel it…I’m feeling more sensitive as we speak. I’m like this close to having my period.” Bobby held up two fingers about an inch apart.
“Asshole.” Colton grumbled.
“Oh that hurts and offends me. Should we cuddle until we make up? Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?” Bobby laughed.
“Just get in the SUV…Jesus!” Colton rolled his eyes.
Bobby laughed, “Oh sure, insult me and boss me around. Words hurt you know, but I see how it is. Colton?”
“What?”
“Why can’t I quit you?” Bobby laughed and reached for the door handle.
Colton growled and was just about to answer when a fireman’s axe imbedded in the side of the Explorer. Both men turned, and saw the firemen standing on the opposite side of the gas station parking lot. In the distance they could even see the two paramedics shuffling towards them.
“I’m empty.” Bobby said nervously.
“Yeah, I’m almost empty to.” Colton said as he had his hand on the door handle.
“Stay and fight?” Bobby asked. At that very moment another fireman’s axe whirled just past his face, shattering the passenger window and denting up the door.
“Fuck no! Let’s get out of here while we still can.” Colton snapped as he swung open his door.
Both men jumped inside. The firemen began running towards them, even the paramedics picked up the speed of their waddle. As they accelerated, the paramedic’s organs started falling out of their arms. It was like they were trying to carry their laundry, but they just had too much to hold. Colton twisted the key, and the explorer roared to life. He threw it in drive and peeled out of the parking lot before the firemen could catch them.
The firemen looked down at the bodies that had been their fellow zombies. Then looked at eachother. Esteban kicked Duffy’s body over to get a better look, “Damn…well boys nothing to eat here. Let’s go back to the engine and see if we can’t find ourselves a snack.” He then turned and led his men back towards their fire engine.
Debra Kuhn drove down the highway. The engine in her purple 1986 Mustang GT was roaring like an incredibly old lion with asthma. She’d saved up her money, and it’d been her first really big purchase with the money from her job. That was almost twenty years ago, and she just couldn’t bring herself to let the car go. As embarrassed as she was to admit it, the car was her baby. It had been repainted three times, and she had to replace the engine twice. From the sound of her car, it sounded as though she was well on her way to replacing the engine again.
The knocking of the engine was starting to get on her nerves. She reached down and turned on the radio to drown out the sound of the engine. As loud as it was, there was still a faint knock from the engine, but she was trying very hard to pretend it was just part of the song.
The DJ came on and said a bunch of painfully generic sentences about how hard his radio station rocked, and how badass all the stations’ listeners are. Debra had driven all over America, and some things were always the same everywhere she went. The local rock stations’ fans always were the best, they rocked the hardest, and their female fans were the hottest.
Debra laughed and said, “It’s just a good thing that rock is so amazing, because it really has to cover up a lot of lame crap.”
Mercifully, the DJ announced the next song. Unfortunately, it was some local band that Debra had never heard before in her life. It wasn’t just that it was an unknown, it was that it was a really bad unknown. The lead guitar seemed to forget the beat, and sometimes he just sort of wound down like he was tiring out. The drummer was decent, as long as he didn’t try anything too complicated. Unfortunately there was a random drum solo that came up during the song that left a lot to be desired.
“Why does every DJ have to try and be hip and relevant by playing crappy local bands? I wouldn’t mind if they were even slightly decent, but these guys suck ass.” Debra reached up and fingered through the cd’s she had in a carrier on her visor. A flash of silver fell down. “Dammit!” She reached down under her seat to find the rogue cd. The search took way too long, and finally in frustration she braced her knee against the steering wheel so that she could lean over and dig the cd out. Her head dipped down under the dashboard briefly before coming back up. The silver disc slid into the stereo, and before long 80’s hair bands were pumping out from the speakers.
Debra grinned as she guided her car back into the correct lane, but her grin didn’t last long. Red and Blue lights flashed in her rearview mirror. “Damn! Damn! DAMN!” She yelled before pulling over on the side of the road. She waited for someone to come to her window, but was still surprised when one of the officers finally tapped her window to ask for her license and registration. “Was I doing something wrong officer?” She asked innocently even though she knew she was driving twenty miles over the speed limit in the wrong lane.
“Step out of the car ma’am.” Officer Redford ordered politely. His flashlight shining in her face made it impossible to see the man talking to her.
Debra sighed. She was still an attractive woman, but even she knew her best years were behind her. Wrinkles were starting to settle in, and gray hairs were becoming more than just an occasional nuisance. Certain parts didn’t defy gravity the way they had when she was in her early twenties. Still, she had a way to go before she’d be considered old, and unless she was kidding herself, she most likely had a much farther way to go before anyone would think she was ugly. Well, it won’t be the first time the twins got me out of a ticket. Debra thought to herself. She carefully turned away from the officer to unbuckle her belt. Before she turned back to step outside, Debra unbuttoned two more of her shirt buttons. Girls…don’t fail me now.
She opened the drivers’ side door, and then stepped out carefully. “Isn’t there some way we can WORK THIS OUT?” Debra said in her most seductively feminine voice.
“Turn around ma’am.” Was the only thing Cletus Redford said before pulling his cuffs out from off his hip.
“Really? I’m going to jail? What for?” Debra asked.
“It’s just a safety precaution ma’am.” Deputy Pocky said as he walked up to her.
“I don’t really think that’s necessary officer. I mean I was just speeding right? It’s not like somebody died right? Hahaha…haha…ha…” Her forced laughter stopped as the first man closed the cuffs around her wrists.
“Do you have any weapons?” Deputy Redford asked without the slightest hint of humor.
“N-n-no sir.” She stammered.
“Any drugs?” Deputy Redford asked.
Deputy Pocky moved closer. In fact both men were standing far too close for her personal comfort. She could smell their aftershaves. Cletus Redford’s Aqua Velva tickled her nose. Bob Pocky grabbed her roughly when she sneezed. She’d never had a man grab her like that, and without thinking she tried to pull away. The deputy yanked back, pulling her arm out of socket as he threw her to the ground. Her head bounced against the rear wheel. Debra’s mouth hurt, and something hard was between her cheek and gum. After a few moments she spit out part of a tooth, and then felt around for the broken molar. Blood was already running down her chin. “Fucker! I hope you know I have a damn good lawyer.” Debra snapped. It was a lie. Her ex-husband had a damn good lawyer. He got the house, the kids, and somehow he even got the business she had built before they were married. In return for all that she got about twelve thousand dollars in legal fees.
When Debra got scared, she got angry, and right now she was very scared. Her shoulder was throbbing, and her mouth ached. She swallowed the blood in her mouth, and tried to remind herself that they were two cops. Fighting the cops was a no win situation. They’d already hurt her, and who knew what else they might do out here in the dark where nobody would see. She wasn’t scared anymore…she was terrified.
“Oh, someone’s got a big time lawyer. Whatever shall we do?” Cletus Redford’ voice was actually playful.
“Your lawyer won’t do you much good out here.” Bob taunted. Debra was trembling, which just made her shoulder hurt worse. The worst part for her was not being able to see the men’s faces. They were still shining their flashlights down at her, and it was all she could do to make out their silhouette. She leaned over and spat some excess blood onto the pavement, and then watched in horror as Deputy Redford dove onto the ground and began to lick up the blood. Cletus’s tongue slid across the pavement in long, greedy slurps. “Stand up!” Pocky ordered as he kicked one of her feet for emphasis.
“I-I can’t.” Debra sobbed. It was true. Her dislocated arm was practically useless, and even trying to turn so that she could use her other arm was agony.
“Women…”Bob rolled his eyes and snatched her by the hair. She screamed as he jerked her to her feet. Her dislocated shoulder flopped helplessly as she was pulled upwards. Pain seared through her shoulder, followed by nausea. Almost immediately she vomited. Pocky growled in disgust as he looked down at the splattering that now covered his shirt and pants.“Dammit! I just had this dry cleaned.”
Cletus Redford licked the last bit of blood off the pavement, and then rose up behind her. “Yummy.”
“P-p-please don’t hurt me. I’ll do anything…anything. Just…please.” She begged with tears in her eyes. Both deputies closed in until they were pressed against her from both sides. They were surprisingly gentle in how they held her. Both buried their faces into opposite sides of her neck, and then began licking and nipping. “O-o-o-kay. Just please don’t hurt me anymore.”
Debra thought the men were going to use her for sex. The thought terrified her, but she steeled herself as much as possible. She knew there’d be pain, especially considering her shoulder. In her mind she kept repeating to get through this, get to safety, and then get to a hospital. She was tough, and readied herself for what she thought was coming. It was only when both men started to bite down that she realized she wasn’t about to be raped.
She screamed as teeth tore through skin. Both of the men had found the carotid artery on each side of her neck, and then they kept chewing. Blood spurted into their mouths, and they started to getting rougher with each bite. It was pure torture, but mercifully she passed out after thirty seconds. Her heart kept pumping blood into the hungry deputies’ mouths. She shook and trembled between them as her body started to go into death spasms. Still the men chewed their way deeper into her throat. She was dead within two minutes, and still they kept chewing.
Each bite brought them closer to the center. Eventually they both took a bite, and two things happened. First, Debra’s head rolled back, and then fell off onto the ground with a meaty thud. Somewhere along the way, one if not both of the men had gnawed through the bones in her neck. The second thing that happened was both men’s lips met in the middle like a macabre Lady and the Tramp. Both men recoiled in horror at the realization that they’d effectively just kissed. As they moved away Debra’s body slumped to the ground.
“Okay…nobody ever hears that last part…EVER!” Cletus Redford snapped.
“Oh yeah, like I’m gonna just go around talking about how I kissed a man. That wasn’t exactly a highlight of my week Cletus. Besides, I’m not the one that stuck his tongue out.” Bob growled.
“It wasn’t for you! Dammit, I was trying to lick the blood out, and you got in the way.”
“Sure…well either way I call dibs on her head.” Bob said as he reached down and snatched the head up by the hair.
“That’s my brain Bob…you take the body.”
Bob shook his head, “Nope, I called it.”
Cletus reached for his gun and pulled it out, “Well I’m uncalling it! Now hand over the head.”
“Fuck you!” Bob started to bite down just above Debra’s left ear.
*Bang*
“You shot me!” Bob snapped. He looked down at his chest. The vest had caught the bullet perfectly.
“You’re damn right I shot you. Now give me the head.”
*Bang*
Cletus’s body twisted and fell as Bob’s bullet struck him in the leg. He’d pulled the gun out so quickly that Cletus hadn’t realized it until the gun had fired. Cletus screamed, “You asshole! I at least had the decency to shoot you in the vest. Now look at this shit. My pants are ruined.”
“You started it.”
“Did not.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Nuh-uh.” As if to punctuate his argument, Cletus aimed the gun at Bob’s thigh.
*Bang*
“You dick!” Bob spat.
“Now we’re even.”
“We are not.”
“Yes we-“
*Bang-Bang*
Bob put two rounds in both of the man’s kneecaps.
Cletus fell onto the ground. His body wouldn’t hold him up anymore. “Oh this is bullshit. How am I supposed to drive now? I can’t press the gas.”
“Maybe you should have thought about that when you started this crap!” Bob said as he started to have a celebratory bite of Debra Kuhn’s skull.
*Bang-Bang*
“How do you like it jerkwad?” Cletus laughed.
Bob was lying on the ground. Bullets had shattered both his knees, and he fell like an old oak that had been cut down. The impact with the ground caused him to drop his prize. Debra Kuhn’s head bounced on the ground and rolled down towards the treeline.
“See what you did? Now it’s gonna be all dirty.” Bob growled.
Both men started crawling towards the head. It was a race, and in this race they were both prepared to cheat to win. As they crawled, the men shot one another. Each trying to cripple the other so that they couldn’t reach the head, and by the time they both reached the head they were just barely able to crawl. Bob and Cletus’s were both reduced to one arm. If not for their newfound strength, they probably wouldn’t have been able to move at all. They both reached out and just barely touched it.
“It’s mine!” Cletus screamed. He then pulled his hand back to shoot his friend of ten years just under the armpit. He was aiming for the heart.
“Fuck you!” Bob screamed back as he put the gun to Cletus’s head and pulled the trigger.
*Click*
“Ha-ha! You never could count for shit.” Cletus laughed.
“But you know what I can do?” Bob asked.
“What?”
“Beat the ugly off of you!” Immediately he began whacking the other deputy with the butt of his gun. Cletus fought back almost immediately. The two men beating one another on the back and head with their guns. As they fought, a wild dog crept out of the woods and snatched up the head. It moved so quickly and quietly that neither man realized what happened until the dog was almost back into the woods.
“Shit…see what you did.” Cletus yelled before throwing his gun at the wild dog in a last ditch attempt to save the head.
“What I did? You started this!” Bob snapped, as he flung his gun after the dog as well.
“Nuh-uh!”
“Uh-huh!”
Both men then resumed beating on one another. Meanwhile, the wild dog sat just past the tree line and began chewing on its meal. It watched as the two men clubbed one another. Each using their only working arm for everything it was worth. The dog kept eating and watching the two men with intense interest. It had most of the neck eaten off when Debra’s eyes opened back up. They darted around in terror, but eventually focused. She tried to speak, but nothing happened. The dog kept eating.
An idea came to her. She stuck her tongue out like bait and waited. The dog saw the pink flesh and bit down almost immediately. As soon as it did, Debra pulled her tongue in, and then bit down on the dog. It screamed, but Debra wouldn’t let go. In a panic, the dog ran in circles trying to get away. Then it broke back out of the tree line towards the two deputies. They saw the dog and both struck it as it ran by. The dog’s spine shattered, and it slid to the ground. Debra’s head rolled back towards her body.
The two men were both badly broken. Even their good arms didn’t work properly after pounding on one another for so long. Still they both crawled slowly over to the woman’s head. The infection had spread, and now they no longer wanted to eat her.
“Sorry.” Cletus Redford said.
“Yeah…I guess we got a little carried away.” Bob said.
Debra couldn’t speak, but she did look at Cletus and mouth, “Fuck you!” Then her eyes rolled over to Bob as she mouthed with equal venom, “And fuck you!”
The Ford Explorer’s wheels screamed around the corner, nearly threatening to roll over before continuing off into the night. “Shit! Colton slow down before you kill us.”
Colton let up on the gas pedal, “What the hell just happened back there?”
“Zombies.”
“There are no such thing as zombies Bobby. They don’t exist.”
“Well maybe you’d like to turn around and give them that little bit of information.”
As if to answer, Colton pressed back down on the gas to get away even more quickly. After a few moments he shook his head, “Poor Achmed.”
“Poor Achmed? Poor Achmed! Fuck Achmed from his shoes all the way to that dot on his head, and back again! He was trying to eat me.” Bobby screamed.
“Yeah, but before all this he was a pretty nice guy. He’d let me have any sweets in the store that were about to expire for free. He’d even put them in a bag, and then just give them to me when I showed up. They tasted a little stale, but it was better than nothing. He was a real nice guy.”
“So he gives you a stale Twinkie and you suddenly are pals? Wait a minute aren’t you supposed to be avoiding sweets?”
“Yeah.” Colton said sheepishly.
“Didn’t you make some kind of deal with your wife about not eating sweets?” Bobby asked. His tone sounding more irritated.
“Yes.” Colton’s voice was full of embarrassment. “The doctor wanted me eating what amounted to rabbit food, but I’m not about to do that shit. So Sarah made me a deal that if I cut out sweets then she’d make me all these delicious home cooked meals. Anything I want as long as I don’t eat sweets and get some exercise in every day.”
“You’re cheating on your wife with Ho Hos. Sarah’s going to be pissed.” Bobby growled.
“I’m weak, and I need the extra sugar for all that exercise I’ve been getting.”
“What exercise? Getting your fat ginger ass out of that seat is just about the most exercise I’ve ever seen you do.”
“Yeah, but if Sarah asks…I’ve been taking walks around the block at the station.”
“Bullshit! I’m not lying to Sarah. So you need the sweets to help fuel you for the exercise you aren’t getting. Jesus man what the hell is wrong with you?”
“I am getting exercise. I’ve lost almost twenty pounds. If I wasn’t wearing this belt my pants would be around my ankles.”
“Okay, I admit you do look a little thinner, but you aren’t exercising. I don’t even think you can do a pushup. Sarah is gonna shit a brick when she finds out, and you know she’s gonna find out right? I mean let’s be honest. You aren’t nearly smart enough to keep if from her.”
Colton pulled over to the side of the road, “You’re right. I admit it, but I have a plan. What I’m about to tell you stays between us…you understand.”
Bobby glared at his best friend, “Okay, but if this is something that hurts your wife…I’m kicking your ass.”
Colton took a deep steadying breath, “Okay, so you know she’s making me anything I want for dinner right.”
“Yeah.”
“And you know how she thinks I’m exercising right?”
“Get to the point.” Bobby growled in suspicion.
“Well…she’s been rewarding me for all my hard work.” Colton grinned.
“Rewarding you? How has she been rewarding you?”
“Really? You can’t figure that out?” Colton stared at the man, and waited for him to finally get it.
Eventually he did, and the grin on Bobby’s face went from ear to ear, “Oh…OH…you dog!”
“It was a couple times a week if I was lucky, and now it has gone to a couple times a day…minimum.”
“Damn! You really are a lucky man. So what’s your plan?” Bobby asked.
Colton smiled wickedly, “I keep my mouth shut and hope she never catches on, and eventually I die from a massive heart attack one of these times when she’s rewarding me. Ouch!” Colton rubbed his arm after being punched.
“She’s going to catch you, and that’s a stupid plan.”
“Are you kidding? It’s brilliant. I mean let’s be honest, at this rate either she’s going to break something on me, or I’m going to keel over dead. Frankly I need the comfort food just to survive all the humping at home. I nearly passed out yesterday, and she doesn’t take no for an answer.”
Bobby laughed, “Wait a minute? You told her no?”
“Well I start to. Then she starts taking off her shirt, and before I know it I’m yanking off my pants and-“
“Stop right there. The last thing I want to hear is what your fat ginger ass is doing to her. I don’t think I’d be able to look her in the eyes again.” Bobby grinned.
Colton slapped his friend in the shoulder, “Jerk! So are you going to keep my secret?”
“No. You’re going to tell her. Then you’re going to take your lumps, and then you’re going to start actually getting exercise.”
“But I’m already getting exercise. I told you that I lost twenty pounds. I’m practically wasting away.”
“You’ve got a long way to go before you waste away. You’ve gone from lard ass to fat ass. So you’re going to tell your wife, you’re going to start exercising, and you are going to never…EVER…lie to her again. I mean how stupid are you anyway? That woman is a ten, and that’s only because eleven isn’t an option. You’re going to fuck all that up because you want a hostess cupcake?” Bobby’s voice was angry, but concerned.
“I’m weak. I see sweets, and I just start drooling.” Colton hung his head in shame.
“Jesus, show some self-control. Sarah deserves better than to have a knuckleheaded husband sneaking around on her over a fucking donut.” Bobby snapped. “Now can we stop this touchy-feely bullshit? It’s giving me a bad case of the gay.”
“The gay? Seriously?”
Bobby ignored his friend’s questions, “Did you ever find out where the deputies SUVs went?”
Colton slumped, “Damn…with everything that just happened. I forgot.” The tubby redhead reached into his pocket, pulled out a phone, and handed it to his friend. “Can you call Sarah while I get on the computer and check with Lisa to see if they towed the vehicles?”
“Sure, but they’re probably zombies.” Bobby said it as simply as if he’d said. “They’re all left handed.”
“Don’t even joke like that. Now call my wife, and tell her I’ll be late getting in tonight.” Colton sneered, but coming from a short fat redhead with freckles…it was far from intimidating.
Bobby shrugged and dialed Sarah’s number. It rang a few times before Sarah picked up, “Hey baby. I’m wearing that little pink thong you like so much, and nothing else.”
Bobby had meant to say something…anything. He just couldn’t remember what it was. He wasn’t ignorant of Sarah’s beauty. It’d been something he’d done his best to make peace with a long time ago. There was an unwritten rule that said a man does not fantasize about his best friend’s wife. Bobby always tried his hardest to follow that rule, but some days were easier than others. The first day of spring when she’d lays out in her bikini is always a bad day. Bobby learned pretty quickly to just go fishing or something and avoid his friend’s house altogether around that time. There were other times that made things awkward. Halloween was always a rough day because no matter what she wore. It was going to be sexy as hell. Christmas wasn’t so good either, but it had gotten better as his daughter grew up. When B.J. was a kid Colton would often show up dressed as Santa which always made Bobby laugh. The sight of a really short, fat, redheaded Santa with freckles was just silly. The problem was that Sarah would dress as a very sexy Mrs. Clause. If that didn’t make things difficult enough, Bobby was always careful to avoid the mistletoe. He’d slipped up once, and the expression on his face when Sarah kissed him earned him two weeks on the couch from his now ex-wife. So there were good days and bad. It was mostly good as long as he was careful not to really be alone with her for any length of time so that he didn’t find himself in a bad situation. Right now would definitely have fallen in the bad situation category.
Sarah, for her part, was completely oblivious to the effect she had on Bobby. As far as she was concerned he was Colton’s best friend before they were married, and he would probably be his best friend until the day one of them died. That fact alone made him family as far as she was concerned. So she didn’t think about how he might feel if she just came up and hugged him, and by anyone’s standards she was an epic hugger. She also didn’t consider what might go through his head if she showed up in something skimpy. He was like a brother…just part of the family. So if he knocked on the door she might just wrap herself in a towel so small that it was like a constant tug-of-war to make sure that her breasts and her…everything else was covered. Then she’d go downstairs dripping wet, open the door, point him towards the kitchen to offer him a beer, and then go back upstairs still dripping wet to finish her shower. If anyone else had knocked she’d have asked them through the door to wait on the front porch until she was fully clothed, but with Bobby she just didn’t grasp that he’d even look at her the way a man might look at a woman. She honestly believed he’d see her the way a man might see his sister…as something very vaguely feminine, but not in any way sexual. Sarah had no idea how wrong she was, and Bobby tried his best to keep her from ever finding out because he loved them both. They were family.
“Baby come home. I need my daily dose of Big Red, and I need it so bad I can barely wait. If you don’t come home soon I might have to start without you.” Her voice was just silky smooth seduction. Bobby felt himself stiffen like he was a teenager again. He couldn’t even speak. Unfortunately Sarah interpreted that as her husband really enjoying the conversation, and so she decided to fight dirty, “Oh baby, I want you home so bad. I just want you to bend me over the kitchen table and do that thing you did last Thursday. My nipples are getting hard just thinking about it. Come home…I’m so wet that I can’t hardly stand it, and I just want you inside me. I’ll do anything you want…anything at all. I’ll even let you-”
He never heard the rest. In a desperate attempt to avoid hearing anymore, and out of fear that he’d never be able to look Sarah in the face ever again Bobby tossed the phone at Colton. It struck him right in the forehead. “Ouch. You son of a bitch! What was that for?”
“Nothing.” Bobby wouldn’t even look at his friend. He couldn’t even think clearly enough to make up a good excuse. Unfortunately for Bobby…the phone rang again. Colton, being still busy with his dispatcher, tried to hand the phone back to his friend. Bobby looked at the phone like it was a poisonous snake ready to strike and said nervously, “Nope.”
“I’m a little busy. Take the damn phone.”
“Nuh-uh.” Bobby wouldn’t even turn to face him. He just stared straight forward, and pretended like nothing was happening.
It was Colton’s first clue that something was wrong. He stopped typing back and forth with his dispatcher, and answered, “Colton here.”
“Why’d you hang up? I was just getting to the best part.” Sarah asked.
“Best part of what?” Colton said in confusion.
“Best part of what? Either I’m off my game, or you really are getting spoiled when you can turn your nose up at some Grade-A phone sex.” Sarah said. Colton could tell she was a little hurt by her voice.
Colton eyed Bobby, who looked like he was ready to crawl into a hole and bury himself. “Honeypie…I wasn’t on the phone. That was Coonass.”
“Oh Shit. Oh baby I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have…well you know I wouldn’t have if I’d have known it wasn’t you. I just assumed. Tell Bobby I’m sorry.” Sarah was embarrassed. By the sound of her voice, and the expression on Bobby’s face, Colton just couldn’t stop laughing. At first Sarah sounded annoyed, but when Colton explained how Bobby looked right at that moment, and how he’d acted when she started really going into details. Even Sarah couldn’t help but laugh, “Oh God…please tell Bobby I’m sorry about that. I’ll make it up to him.”
“Really? How exactly do you make up unplanned phone sex?” Colton laughed.
“I’m going to bake him a pie. Pumpkin…his favorite...I’ll do it this weekend.” Just like that, Sarah sounded like everything was back to normal.
Colton looked at his friend. Bobby still looked like he was ready to crawl into a corner and die. With as much crap as his Bobby normally gave him, and after putting up with Bobby’s insensitivity, and general political incorrectness…Colton couldn’t resist, “Coonass?”
Bobby slowly turned to face his friend, “Yeah.”
“Sarah’s on the phone. Do you want to say anything?”
Bobby’s head twisted back and forth way too quickly. Colton could hear his wife chuckling, “He’s still freaking out isn’t he. Oh God I hope I didn’t just break your friend.”
Colton fought the urge to laugh. He didn’t even grin. With every ounce of reserve he could muster up, Colton said, “So anyway…you should come over this weekend. Sarah wants you to bury your face in her pie.” Bobby’s eyes shot open, and his mouth moved like he was trying to say a few dozen things at once. He even made strange, spastic hand gestures like he was trying to explain away everything. Colton had to fight to keep from laughing. “Well Coonass…are you coming over this weekend to eat my wife’s pie or not?”
“Oh you’re bad.” Sarah laughed through the phone. Colton grinned as he heard his wife snort. The only person not laughing was Bobby, and he was still just sort of…stuck.
“Honeypie…I’ll be late getting home tonight. There’s…well shit there’s no real way to explain any of this. Just stay inside, and for God sake whatever you do, don’t open the door for anybody.” Colton voice was filled with concern for his wife.
“What happened? Is everything okay?” Sarah asked without even the slightest hint of humor.
“No…it’s about as far from being okay as it can get. Cletus and Bob are dead…I think. I’d explain, but it still doesn’t make any sense to me.” Colton’s voice was filled with frustration and fear.
“Okay, but be careful baby, and when you figure it out…tell me.” Sarah didn’t push. She knew her husband, and knew he’d tell her everything as soon as it all made sense in his head.
“I will, and Honeypie…if anybody comes to the door. I don’t care who they are. Don’t answer it. Take the model 1892 Winchester. Make sure it’s loaded. There will be a box of bullets beside it in the gun safe. Don’t answer the door, and if anybody tries to get in…aim for the head.” Colton’s voice was deadly serious.
“Baby…you’re kind of scaring me.” Sarah said.
“I’m sorry, but just do what I say on this okay. Things are…well there’s just no real good explanation for how messed up everything is right now. So just trust me okay, and be careful. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Colton said nervously. All he wanted to do was drive home and protect his wife, but he knew that wasn’t a possibility.
“O-o-okay, but baby.” Sarah’s voice was nervous and scared. “Which one is the Winchester?”
“Remember when you watched that Rifleman marathon with Bobby and me?” Colton asked.
“Yeah.” Sarah answered.
“Look for the rifle that looks like the gun from the Rifleman.” Colton tried to project confidence in his words. He didn’t want to scare her any more than he already had.
“Oh, okay.” Sarah said. “I love you. Be careful.”
“I love you, now go do what I said. I’ll be home as soon as I can.” Colton hung up the phone and looked at Bobby.
“Why did you tell her to get that one?” Bobby asked as he finally stopped freaking out.
“It’s the only one I know she can shoot. I took her out and taught her myself. She’s a natural. I pretty much just had to show her the proper form. Also it’s the only one I could be absolutely certain she’d load the right bullets in.”
“Wait a minute? You taught her to shoot?”
Colton glared at his friend, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Bobby laughed, “Colt, you can’t aim for shit.”
“I shot those…zombies in the head didn’t I?” Colton gritted his teeth as he said zombies. He still didn’t want to believe what he’d seen.
“They were about five feet away. How could you miss them?”
“Coonass…shut up.”
“Or what?”
Colton thought about it, and an evil grin came across his face, “Or I’ll start telling you what I do with Sarah in bed.”
Bobby cringed, “Oh fuck...I’ll shut up! The last thing I need to hear is what your fat ginger ass is doing to that beautiful body.” Bobby had blurted it out before really even thinking.
Colton eyed his friend, “You really do like my wife don’t you.”
Bobby’s shoulders slumped, “Dude, if she wasn’t your wife. I’d probably embarrass the shit out of myself going after her, but she is. Now can we drop this please? I promise you don’t ever have to worry about it. You’re my best friend. I’d never fuck you over like that. Besides, I think the world of her, and frankly…she’s too good for either of us.”
Colton laughed, “Okay. I agree with you on that one. I still don’t know how I ended up with her. As for that other shit. Bobby, there ain’t anyone else on this earth I trust her to be around more than you. I’m not stupid. I’ve seen how you look at her sometimes, but I also know you. I know you’d never do anything like that to me, and you respect her enough to never go after her like that. We’re friends…have been, and always will be.”
Bobby sighed in relief, “Thank God. If you ever do figure out how you got her…tell me. I’d like to find me one someday. I mean I know how I got B.J.’s mom, and frankly I don’t ever want to make that mistake again. Hell the longest relationship I’ve ever had is Lucy here.” Bobby patted his shotgun.
“Seriously…why would you name that gun Lucy?”
“Why not?” Bobby said as if that answered everything.
“You treat it like it’s your woman.” Colton said.
“I like Lucy better than most of the women I’ve dated, and a hell of a lot more than the one I was stupid enough to marry. Lucy never fucked anybody just to try and piss me off. Besides, the barrel is probably tighter than Sue ever was.”
Colton laughed, “The fact you can say that with a straight face is disturbing. At least Sue gave you B.J. She was a worthless woman, but that daughter of yours is a real gem.”
“B.J. was worth all the bullshit, but I’m glad she’s old enough now that I don’t have to play nice with her mother.”
There was a ding from the Explorer’s computer. Colton turned his attention back to the MDC and started typing away. “Damn.” Colton said through gritted teeth.
“What?”
“Lisa says the other two SUV’s are out on Highway 12 just east of Hornsby Creek. She says someone ran a license, and they haven’t moved since. They stopped out there about thirty minutes ago.”
“Well…I guess we need to roll. Can I hit the siren again?” Bobby asked hopefully.
“Just a second.” Colton typed on the MDC for a few more minutes before looking at his friend. “Alright, go ahead.”
Bobby reached down, and then stopped, “Wait? What were you typing?”
“I told Lisa to go take the portable terminal out of storage, grab one of the guns out of our weapons locker, and then go home where she’ll be safe. The last thing I want is for her to be defenseless if Cletus, Bob, or any of the firemen show up. Plus with the portable she’ll be able to tell me where they are. So we can chase them down. When she gets home she’ll call for mutual aid. Maybe with a few extra officers we can put a stop to this. Now are you going to hit that siren, or what?”
“Sure.” Bobby flipped a switch, and the windshield wipers started going back and forth.
“You forgot which switches turn on the lights and sirens didn’t you?”
“I didn’t know there was going to be a test later.” Bobby answered sarcastically.
Colton sighed, “Okay, hit the one over there first.”
“This is my favorite part.” Bobby pushed the switch. Red and blue lights started flashing and twirling.
“Okay now flip that little switch.” Colton rolled his eyes.
Bobby flipped the switch, and was practically giddy about it. The siren started screaming out into the night air. Colton pushed down on the gas, and the Explorer’s engine roared to life. After a few seconds the scenery became a blur as they were hauling ass down the road. This was Colton’s favorite part about being a policeman. He loved running code down the road. His lights and sirens all but screaming, “Move bitch!” He loved this so much he was even willing to ignore his friend sitting in the passenger seat bouncing up and down with excitement as he started loading more shells into his shotgun. After Bobby reloaded his shotgun, Colton handed him his service weapon.
“What?” Bobby asked.
“There are more magazines in the glove box. Put one in for me, and dig me out a spare or two. I don’t want to end up without any bullets this time. We were really lucky we were right beside the Explorer. If we’d have been in the gas station when they showed up then we’d be pretty well fucked.” Colton said as he concentrated on the road.
Bobby reloaded the 9mm and handed it back, “It’s a nice gun. New?”
“Yeah. I just got it. It’s a Glock 17 Gen4. It’s a real nice gun. Much better than my old one.”
“I thought your old one was a Glock. What’s different?” Bobby asked.
Colton looked embarrassed, “Well…I have tiny hands. This one is a lot easier to hold.”
Bobby burst out laughing, “Oh shit…I never realized it before. You have tiny baby hands.”
“They aren’t that small. It’s just that the guns are made for average sized people with averaged sized hands. I’m shorter than average, and I have slightly…SLIGHTLY…smaller hands than I probably should for my shorter than average body. I do not have baby hands.”
“Does the little man with the little baby hands want a bottle?” Bobby teased.
“Shut up.” Colton growled.
“I’d love to, but the power of your baby hands compels me. I want to stop, but your tiny baby hands just keep talking to me. They keep saying, Bobby…look at us. Talk to us. We’re tiny and nonthreatening.”
“Okay that’s it!” Colton punched his friend in the shoulder.
“Ouch! I think I just got hit by the five-fingered-baby-death-punch.” Bobby was howling with laughter.
Colton had finally had enough, and he waved his hand in front of his friend’s face, “Well Sarah sure likes the size of my hands. She really like when they are smacking her on the ass.”
Bobby’s smile went away. “Okay, you win. I’ll stop.”
Colton grinned. After all these years he finally found a trump card that he could use on his friend when he was getting out of control. Colton filed this newfound knowledge in the back of his mind for future use. They finally reached the highway, and he turned towards where Lisa said the GPS showed the deputies SUVs parked.