“Where’s my damn dinner!” Joe Bob screemed.
“Two more minutes Dear.” Dana Ann said nervously. “Lula Mae…set the table.”
“Yes Momma.” Lula Mae McCultie hurried around the table. She was nine years old, and already knew to be afraid when her father’s food was late.
“What in the hell have you all been up to today? Jesus H. Christ…you’d think you two could have my dinner ready when I get home. You’re both just lazy.”
“Yes Dear. I’m sorry Dear.” Dana Ann worked even harder to get done more quickly. She was working so fast that twice she burnt her hand. Instead of treating it, she just kept working. A couple of blisters, and maybe a scar or two would still be better than anything her husband did if she didn’t hurry.
They’d been married twelve years ago. Back then Joe Bob was the top ranked quarterback in the state. He even had a scholarship for LSU. Dana Ann, had been the head cheerleader, and she had an academic scholarship from LSU as well. It just seemed natural that they’d both date. It was what everyone expected. He was popular, and she was popular. She thought that together there wouldn’t be anything they couldn’t do. Then he blew out his knee when he got drunk and crashed a jet ski into a fishing boat. Even after nine surgeries he still walked with a limp. Joe Bob’s scholarship disappeared on a technicality.
Their relationship started going downhill as he began to drink more. Eventually Dana Ann decided to break up, and that’s when the condom broke…at least that’s what Joe Bob said, but even now Dana couldn’t help but wonder. She was always a smart woman…at least smart enough to recognize how his eyes got all shifty when he said it was an accident. They were married, again because that’s what was expected. She didn’t really want to marry him, but her parents made it very clear that they wouldn’t accept anything else. Almost immediately the beatings began, but she was pregnant, and her family told her to just keep giving him a chance. Her father even “had a talk” with him once. Joe Bob came home that night, and she woke up two days later with two black eyes, a missing tooth, and blood seeping out of her anus. She couldn’t remember anything about what happened, but Dana Ann never asked her father for help again.
She lost the first baby three months later, and tried to get away. She found a women’s shelter, and started trying to go to community college. She even found a job as a waitress. It wasn’t the life she’d planned, but it was a start. Then one day her parents showed up. It was purely accidental. Her father had an urge for a chicken fried steak, and they were driving by at the time. It wasn’t a pleasant reunion. Her parent’s screamed at her that a woman doesn’t run away from her responsibilities to her husband, and then they left without even letting her speak.
Two hours later Joe Bob drove up in his pickup, walked in like he owned the place, and jerked his wife out through the front door by her hair. This time she woke up five days later. She gave up trying to escape sometime after she got pregnant. Her parents were thrilled when she gave birth to Lula Mae. Her mother told her how proud she was of her, and even called her “a real woman now”. They might have even hugged a little if Dana’s arms hadn’t both been broken when she “fell” a week earlier. When the doctor’s asked about it she always had good excuses. She had to because if she didn’t…Joe Bob would “reeducate” her. It might be that day, or if one of the neighbors called the police then it might be after he got let out of jail. Either way he’d always “teach her about disrespecting him”.
Dana Ann clung to her daughter like she was the only thing keeping her sane, and she very well might have been. Lula Mae was always a beautiful child, a little naïve, but beautiful. Unfortunately, there had been complications during the delivery, and by the time it was over Dana Ann would never be able to have any other children. Secretly, Dana Ann was thrilled. She was even more thrilled when her husband learned she was unable to have any more children because he lost interest in her almost immediately. Of course he wasn’t lonely. There were still a lot of women that were nostalgic, and wanted to sleep with the starting quarterback from when they were in school. Now he only wanted her when he couldn’t find someone else. The rest of the time she just made dinner, and cleaned house.
Lula Mae McCultie was a pretty little blonde haired blue eyed girl. She looked every bit like her mother did when she was a kid. Since his wife couldn’t have any other children, Joe Bob doted on his daughter publicly. If they were out he was the nicest man alive, but behind closed doors…he hated her. He wanted a son, and in his mind the little girl had somehow stolen that from him. On a good day, he might only say a few mean words, but on a bad day…she knew to stay out of the way. By the time she was seven she already had enough broken bones to have CPS investigating the family. Rather than get help, or let them take his child to a foster home so she could be raised more safely. Joe Bob had them all pack up and move from their home in the dead of night. Instead of a fairly nice suburban house, they moved to a tiny cabin out in the bayou.
Lula Mae didn’t go to school anymore. Instead she worked around the house with her mother. Dana Ann started dressing her like a little doll instead of a regular girl. There were bows in her hair, or sometimes she wore a bonnet, and Lula Mae always wore pioneer dresses. It was as if she walked right out of Little House on the Prairie. She had no real friends, and being a very young and imaginative girl…like her mother had been. Lula Mae started collecting pets. Most of her pets were small. A field mouse here, a little bird there. She had a raccoon once, but her father shot it when she accidently knocked over his beer. Her father killed a lot of her pets. He called them “lessons”. She didn’t cry anymore when he beat her, and that pissed him off. It wasn’t that she was so tough as much as the fact that she’d been beaten so badly so often that she’d become numb to it. She wasn’t numb when he stomped on her kittens head though, or when he killed her bird with a shovel. Joe Bob had found the one way he could still make her hurt if he needed to “teach” her something, and he loved the look in her eyes when he broke something in her. When she cried he felt…powerful.
She’d almost stopped finding pets. Their eventual loss hurt too much, but one day she stumbled across Digger. That’s what she called him. He was an albino armadillo. He had creepy pink eyes that she called cute. It was his leathery shell that actually made her fall in love with him. In her mind it looked like real honest to goodness armor, and she was absolutely certain the armor would protect the little guy. It took her two weeks, but she tamed him. By the third week he’d crawl up into her lap and eat right out of her hand. It wasn’t long before they were inseparable during the day. He slept in an old broken down chicken coop at night, and every morning he’d be standing at the opening to the coop waiting for her to come let him out. He’d even bounce up and down and make happy little grunting sounds as she opened the coop door. Of course she had to wait for her father to leave every day before going out to Digger. She thought the armor would protect him, but her father not knowing would protect him even more.
So Digger became the best kept secret in the house. Even her mother didn’t know. Lula Mae wanted to tell her, but she was afraid that her mother might let it slip out during one of the “lessons” her father gave her. It had happened before. Joe Bob had lost his temper because the cornbread was a little overcooked for his taste so he held her mother down and put the oven pan of cornbread right on her mother’s back. He pinned her down and just left it there to sizzle. The fabric on her dress practically melted away. Her skin didn’t do much better. Joe Bob probably would have just left it there until he got bored with it, but Dana Ann started screaming about how Lula Mae had been hiding a puppy from him. Joe Bob took the pan away from her back. The blisters already forming, and then he made Lula may show him the dog. When she finally showed him, he beat it to death with the cornbread pan, walked back inside, threw the pan at her mother, and made her go clean the pan to make a new batch of cornbread. Lula Mae never liked the taste of cornbread again, but her father always made sure she got the first piece ever since.
“Lula Mae! Get your damn slice of cornbread. Your mother worked her worthless fat ass off over the stove to make you that goddam cornbread.” Joe Bob growled.
“Yes Daddy.” Lula Mae said as she cut out a small square.
“Goddammit girl…you’ll ruin the hole fucking meal like that. Take a regular sized square. I work too fucking hard to let you just piss away money like that. Dana! You better teach this stupid girl to cut her squares evenly. No man is gonna want a woman that can’t even cut the cornbread right.” Joe Bob screamed at his wife before muttering, “Dumb bitch!”
“She’s nine.” Dana Ann responded, and then clapped her hand over her mouth in fear.
“Are you back talking me?” Joe Bob rose from the table, and started removing his belt.
“N-n-no dear…I’d never do that.” Dana Ann McCultie panicked.
“Oh…so now you’re calling me a liar!” Joe Bob yanked his belt, and it slipped through the belt loops with a quick schwwwwwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiiiip! He was already coming around the table when there was a loud crash from outside. “What in the hell was that?” Joe Bob asked.
*Crash*
It sounded large, whatever it was. The noises came from the old chicken coop. “Digger!” Lula Mae said before slapping her hands over her mouth. All the hard work of hiding the little armadillo was made useless by one slip up.
“What’s a Digger?” Joe Bob growled.
“He’s my armadillo. He wouldn’t hurt anyone.” Lula Mae said, but in her heart she already knew it was over.
“Dana…get my shotgun.” Joe Bob ordered.
Lula Mae didn’t say anything else. She just sat at the table and cried as her mother brought the shotgun to her father. Joe Bob slid two shells of buckshot into the double barreled shotgun. “I’ll be right back. I just have to go shut that little armored rat up.” He walked outside and made his way to the old chicken coop. There were more crashes, and Joe Bob could hear something thrashing around behind the chicken coop. A couple of times he heard boards breaking. There was a distinct sound of chicken wire being ripped out of place. It was followed by an armadillo screeching .
Joe Bob stepped around the chicken coop and pointed his shotgun at the large shadow moving in front of him. “Get off my property you son of a bitch!”
Then it turned around. Eight feet tall, fur matted down from wading through the swamp. Wolf eyes glared back at the man. Digger was in its mouth. He hadn’t killed him yet, but his teeth had already punctured the leathery shell. The armadillo was panicked, and its tiny legs were kicking in the air as it screeched in terror.
*KA-BOOM*
Joe Bob pulled the triggers firing both barrels at once. Lead pellets cut through the air, and hammered into the werewolf. Joe Bob expected it to crumble to the ground and die. Instead he just pissed Jessup off. He watched in horror as the lead pellets came right back out of the wounds, and then the wound healed as if nothing had happened. Jessup turned his head, and spit out the armadillo. His yellow eyes stayed locked on the man in front of him. The werewolf shifted forward, and began stalking towards Joe Bob.
“Get away!” Joe Bob screamed as he threw the shotgun at the giant werewolf. Jessup didn’t even try to move out of the way. The gun twirled through the air and struck him right in the face. It cut him, but the wound healed almost immediately. Jessup picked up the shotgun and started moving more quickly. There was a gleam in his eye that meant something, and even though Joe Bob didn’t know what it meant…he knew it would be bad when he found out.
As the werewolf got closer it began a low growl. Joe Bob could feel the rumble on his skin. He turned and started running. Jessup gave chase. It didn’t take long before Jessup’s clawed hand got a good grip of the man’s shoulder. Jessup squeezed, and the bones in Joe Bob’s shoulder were crushed almost instantly. He started to scream, but Jessup threw him into a tree. Bones shattered. Joe Bob lost consciousness briefly, and by the time he woke back up Jessup had him by the face. Claws were digging into his skin. Jessup used the claws on his other hand to dig out one of Joe Bob’s eyes. The man tried to scream, but the werewolf had his mouth covered. So all he could do was give a very muffled wheeze, and watch as Jessup swallowed the eye like it was a grape.
Jessup took the shotgun in one hand and rammed the barrel through Joe Bob’s shoulder, impaling him onto an old tree. He let go of Joe Bob’s mouth, and now he could scream. “Dana Ann! Lula Mae! You two worthless bitches get out here. Help!”
Jessup started with his feet. He reached down, and just sort of pinched them off at the ankles. The werewolf then knelt down, and lifted the man’s bloody stumps up enough that he could drink every last drop. Joe Bob screamed all the way until the end. The pain in his shoulder was nothing compared to the feeling of his freshly severed feet. As the blood started slowing down, Jessup started biting and chewing his way up the legs. First one, and then the other, then he moved to the hands, by now Joe Bob was already dead, and Jessup was savoring his meal. There was a loud crunch as Jessup chipped a fang on Joe Bob’s wedding ring, but he eventually swallowed it down as well.
It didn’t take him long to eat almost every trace of Joe Bob McCultie. He devoured the head last…like it was a desert. The skull gave a strangely satisfying crunch as he chewed it. When he was all gone, Jessup turned his attention to the house. Dana Ann was watching through the window. She had a smile from ear to ear. It faded quickly as soon as she realized she’d been seen. She shut the curtains, hoping that perhaps if she was out of sight, she’d be out of mind. Instead, Jessup came crashing through the window and landed on top of her.
“Lula Mae! Get in the cellar, and lock the door behind you!” Dana Ann screamed.
“Get off my momma!” Lula Mae tried to push the furry beast off her mother.
Jessup backhanded the girl across the room. She crashed into the television and then rolled on the floor. Four claw marks were slashed across her face. The television wobbled and then fell over on top of her, covering her completely.
“Lula Mae!” Dana Ann bawled. She completely ignored the hulking weight on top of her as she tried to twist out from under Jessup to get to her unconscious daughter. She ignored the claws shredding her back and sides. She even ignored when the beast bit down, and pulled back a bloody chunk that used to be part of her shoulder. After all these years Dana was used to pain. The only thing that mattered to her was her daughter. Right now Lula Mae was hurt, and she was going to make sure that she was okay no matter what. Dana drove an elbow into the side of Jessup’s head, and the wolf growled in frustration. He shifted his weight back, and she lunged out from under him. She didn’t have far to go, and with every ounce of strength she could muster, she threw herself forward. Dana Ann landed just beside the television. She turned her head to see under it, and smiled. Her daughter was breathing. She was hurt, but still alive.
“Thank God.” Dana Ann sighed with relief and that’s when Jessup grabbed her head with one clawed hand. He gave a quick twist. Dana Ann never made another sound again. Her eyes were dull and lifeless. Jessup wasn’t particularly hungry by then, so he just took a few bites before devouring the head as a treat.
Lisa Kaye dug through the storage locker trying to find the portable dispatch terminal. “Where is it?” She grumbled. It’d been twenty minutes since she started looking. That was ten minutes longer than she wanted to be in the building to begin with. Colton had made it pretty clear things were going south quick. She needed to get out of here, but she also needed that portable terminal. With it she’d be able to track the fire, ems, and police vehicles. That alone would make her safer. She kept digging, when one of the piles of crap fell over. Boxes went everywhere. “You’d think they could at least remember to straighten up around here.” Lisa groaned as she realized she could probably be in here another twenty minutes and not find it. “I can’t waste any more time. I have to get out of here.”
Lisa closed the door, and then headed down the hall to where they kept the weapons. There were always extra guns. Most of the time the sheriff and his deputies acted like a bunch of teenage idiots, and she had to constantly handle their messes. She’d been hired to be a dispatcher, but ultimately she became more like the den mother. Her days consisted of making sure they all turned in their paperwork, making phone calls for the officers, and ignoring the girly magazines that were occasionally left on one of their desks. They were idiots, but they were all her idiots…at least that’s how she looked at them.
Lisa was good at her job. So good that people kept giving her more things to do…and as much as it irritated her, she kind of liked the challenges that came with it. She started as just a police dispatcher, and then they made her control Fire as well. Finally, they put her in charge of EMS…and she ran all three with extreme efficiency. She did this on top of the mountain load of daily tasks she had. She was so efficient that they actually closed positions and just incorporated them all part of her day to day work. So when she came in for work, four other women left, and when she got ready to leave four women arrived to replace her. They even had to hire some part-timers to take over for her during the weekend. It was a testament to how incredibly talented Lisa was that nobody even questioned the insanity of letting one person do the work of four people.
She opened the gun lockers and found herself a revolver. There weren’t many in the weapons room. Most were semi-automatics that you fed a magazine into. She could have taken one of those, but Lisa thought a revolver would be more reliable. It wasn’t flashy, but it would get the job done. As guns went, it was a fairly small pistol. Unfortunately, she didn’t have any pockets. Her purse was still up near the front of the building beside the customer service desk. So she decided to tuck the pistol into her ample cleavage. After making sure the gun wouldn’t slip she started to head back to the front, hesitated, and then went to grab a shotgun.
It was a Remington 870 Police Breacher. It had a short barrel, just under a foot long, with a parkerized finish so that the metal wouldn’t corrode. It was black and fit in her hands perfectly. She loaded it, and grabbed an extra box of shells…just in case. Then she made her way back to the front of the station. She got to the customer service desk, and was putting the shotgun shells when Carl “Scooter” Hobson and Thomas Hack began pushing their way through the double doors. The two paramedics looked horrible. Duct tape was wrapped around their midsections.
“Hey Lisa…Scooter and me got hungry, and we figured we’d just drop by for a bite.” Thomas said.
“Sure, there’s a candy machine on the left. If you two will excuse me?” Lisa was hoping they’d just step aside and let her through.
“Oh, no we can’t do that. You see Scooter keeps telling me just how fine you are. Those beautiful breasts, the blond hair, those beautiful eyes…he keeps saying you look good enough to eat. So I decided we’d head over here and find out how true that was” Thomas grinned and started moving towards the woman.
*Click-Clack*
The sound of the shell being loaded into the gun should have been enough to get him to back away, instead he just kept coming. “Oh…I like it when they play hard to get.” Thomas said as he rounded the corner.
“Back off jackass!” Lisa took careful aim. She was about to pull the trigger when a fire engine ran right through the glass doors, and into the lobby. “Oh shit!” She turned and ran as the firemen started coming down off the fire engine.
“Dammit Peanut! I told you to brake.” Esteban screamed.
“I did…I broke the whole damn building.” Peanut laughed. “Relax boss…I’ll just back it out when we’re done. I just wanted to mark our territory.”
Esteban grunted and then started directing his men to pull out the tools. “Hurry up boys…the sooner we get down into holding the sooner we get ourselves some easy food.”
“Hell of a plan guys. Do you mind if we join you?” Scooter asked.
“Wait…what about Lisa?” Thomas asked.
“What about her? I’m hungry, and I’m not gonna waste my time chasing her sweet ass around this station when there’s perfectly good food downstairs in holding.” Scooter answered. “So how about it guys? Can we come?”
“Yeah, but we get first dibs.” Esteban answered as he walked towards the holding cells.
Lisa watched the men heading downstairs. She had two choices. The smart choice was to run like her ass was on fire out the front door and never look back. Of course if she did that the men and women downstairs wouldn’t stand a chance. Option two was for her to go downstairs guns blazing, and hope somehow she survived long enough to open the cells and give the inmates a fighting chance. There was only really one good option, but she just had to choose the other one.
Maybe it was a sense of duty, or maybe it was just something inside her that wouldn’t let a poor defenseless person be attacked, but either way she stomped her way downstairs. She reached the hallway to the cells. The three jail guards were already on the ground. Their blood was pooled all the way across the hallway floor, and bloody footprints led off towards the cells. The two paramedics were feasting on two of the guards. The third had parts ripped off. It was like the firemen had decided to bring a snack with them as they started working on the cell doors.
*Blam-Blam*
Both paramedics slumped to the ground. Their heads turned into a mush that sprayed down the hallway. She quickly replaced the shells in her shotgun and then moved forward carefully. She could see the firemen had already used their tools to open a few of the cells. “Get away from them you assholes!” She sounded a lot tougher than she expected. She thought to herself. Everyone sounds tougher holding a shotgun. They all turned around, and started running towards her. They were too far to be sure she’d hit them in the head with the shotgun. She needed them closer for that, but if they got closer there were too many of them for her to shoot. Lisa turned and ran. She jumped over the pool of blood and kept running.
The Firemen ran as hard as they could. Peanut was in front, and would have caught her, but he slipped on the blood and fell face first onto Scooter’s headless corpse. The problem was that his friends were right behind him. What was initially one man slipping, became the entire fire department knotted up in a dog pile.
“She’s getting away!” Peanut screamed.
“Get your foot out of my face!” Rico yelled.
“I will as soon as you get your elbow out of my balls.” Mohammad grunted.
“Those are your balls? I hope that thing poking me in the face isn’t your…” Max asked nervously.
“It’s my flashlight Max.” Mohammad laughed.
Max exhaled in relief, “Oh thank God. You had me worried there Mo, but I just knew that couldn’t have been what I thought it was.“
Mohammad grunted, “If it’d been my dick, you might have been crushed under its weight. Now move your fat ass because that beer tap sticking out of you is poking me in the ass…and that’s how rumors start.”
The men slowly untangled from one another, and then made their way back up the stairs. Lisa was already in the fire engine, backing away. Her foot shoved the pedal all the way to the floor, and she hit three cars backing up. The firemen were giggling as she smacked a Mazda, and it went twirling off into the parking lot. She was almost completely backed out of the parking lot when she struck the curb. The fire engine lurched up, and in a panic Lisa twisted the wheel. The fire engine went up on two wheels and crashed onto its side. They all stood there with shocked looks on their faces, and then burst out laughing.
“Let’s go get her.” Esteban grunted, and his men made their way to the fire engine. The driver side door was now on the pavement. For Lisa to escape, she’d have to climb up the passenger seat like a ladder. The problem was that there was no way she’d make it out before the firemen were on top of her. Grim resolution set in. She pointed the shotgun up at the passenger window.
Rico was the first to climb onto the fire engine. He crawled to the passenger window, and peeked in, “Hey baby! How about you and me-“
*Ka-Blam*
Rico’s head popped like a water balloon. His upper body lifted up and then fell back down. The momentum carried the body down inside the fire engine. Another fireman tried to slide in behind him.
*Ka-Blam*
Mohammad was dead before he landed on top of her. The two bodies pressed her down into the driver side door. She was pinned under three hundred plus pounds of dead firemen. Their blood from their wounds all over her, but she braced herself for the next fireman. Max was about to climb up and try to get to her when Esteban called him back.
“What? I can get her.” Max said.
The Fire Chief shook his head, “No, what you’d get is a face full of buckshot. We’ve got plenty of food inside. Why waste more of us out here chasing one woman around.”
“Well I don’t want to just let her go.” Max grumbled.
“Oh I didn’t say that. Go climb up into the back of the fire engine, and dig out a couple road flares. Toss one in the gas tank, and then toss the other inside the truck with her. We can’t get in to her, but she can’t get out either. You can see how she’s pinned under Mo and Rico. There’s no way we get to her. We’d have to go through their bodies to reach her, by then she’d put enough lead in us that you could shit a pencil. So instead we just set it on fire, and then go back inside to get us something to eat.” Esteban grinned, waved at the terrified woman inside the fire engine, and then turned back towards the jail.
Max scrambled up to get the road flares. He tossed the first flare inside with Lisa. Almost immediately it started burning Mohammad’s clothes. The fire started spreading fairly quickly. Max then dropped a lit flare into the gas tank, and jumped off the fire truck to get away. He expected an explosion, but with the gas tank still open it just shot flame up like a torch. It didn’t take long before the outside of the fire engine was on fire. Lisa was trapped.
“Maybe after it’s done we’ll come back. I do like my steaks well done.” Max laughed. He started heading back to the jail to catch up with his friends. They were already inside, probably getting ready to open one of the cells. The thought put a little extra spring in his step.
*Ka-Blam*
Max turned around, and watched in awe as the woman began firing through the windshield. It took every round she had in the shotgun, but eventually there was a hole. He stood there as she started beating the windshield with her shotgun until there was enough room for her to fit through. Lisa started crawling out just was the fire started consuming the two bodies that had been on top of her. It was a tight squeeze, and she cut herself a few times sliding out, but she made it.
Max couldn’t help but clap. The woman’s will to survive was amazing. “Well, I am impressed. Of course now you’re out of bullets, and out of luck.” He started to close in on her.
Lisa stayed as calm as she could. She pulled the revolver out of her cleavage. Her heart was pounding in her chest, but her hands were steady. She didn’t say anything. There weren’t any words left in her. The hammer cocked back, and then she pulled the trigger.
The first bullet just missed his head. It struck him in the neck, and burst out the back. The second bullet took off part of Max’s ear. He was right on top of her when she pulled the trigger for a third time. It went right into his mouth, and ripped out through his cheek. Max grabbed her, and bit down on her shoulder. Then fell onto the pavement. Lisa held onto the revolver for everything she was worth. She put the gun up to Max’s head, and pulled the trigger, but at the last second he jerked to tear some flesh away. The bullet tore off his lower jaw. Lisa only had two bullets left. She knew she had to make them count. She rammed the barrel of the gun in Max’s eye. It burst with a juicy pop. Its fluids ran down the barrel. Then she pulled the trigger. Finally, Max was still.
“Oh…damn.” Lisa’s eyes began watering as she looked at the wound. She was infected if what Colton said was right, and she was pretty certain he was right on this one. Still, she refused to cry. Lisa stood up, and looked at the man she’d just killed. “I will not let myself become…that.”
There was one bullet left, and she was going to make it count. The barrel went into her mouth. Her hand trembled a little as she pulled the hammer back. She did her best to make sure the gun was pointed so that it would definitely kill her. The last thing she wanted was for it to fire, and end up making her last few moments even more miserable. Lisa said a prayer, and then pulled the trigger.
*Click*
Her eyes shot open. She pulled the trigger again.
*Click*
She pulled the trigger over and over again, but nothing happened. The last bullet was a dud. There was nothing left for her to do. She couldn’t go inside to get another gun right now without being eaten, she couldn’t grab the bullets. They were still in her purse under the two dead firemen. In no time they’d be on fire. She still refused to cry. Instead she walked over to a bench, sat down, and waited for whatever it was to happen. She couldn’t think of anything else to do by then. All her options had disappeared as far as she could tell. Thirty minutes later she walked back inside the jail, made her way down to the cells, and joined the two firemen in eating a young Asian woman that had been booked on DWI earlier in the day. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
“Howdy Colton? Can you get a little closer? It’s hard to crawl with only one arm.” Deputy Pocky said calmly.
Colton and Bobby stared down at the two deputies and the head that was now rolling her eyes at them as if to say, “Come closer.” Then they saw the dog’s body twisted and mangled. It had been ripped apart and huge chunks bitten out. Both men were glad that it was dead, and not suffering.
“Bob? Cletus? What the hell happened?” Colton asked.
“Nothing really. We were out here running a speed trap like you showed us, and…we got hungry.” Cletus Redford answered.
“You ate that poor woman.” Colton snapped.
“Well yeah, I mean we were hungry, and eating her just sounded so good.” Bob’s voice was calm and reasonable. It was as if everything he’d just said made perfect sense. He then turned to Debra, “You were delicious by the way.”
Debra mouthed, “Thank you.” Then she mouthed a bunch of other stuff. It was probably about them eating her, but nobody could read lips well enough to understand her.
Cletus finally couldn’t wait any longer. He grabbed the ground with his working arm, and slid himself along the ground at the two men. “I call dibs on the fat one.”
“Hey…I’m not fat. I’m pleasantly plump.” Colton’s voice actually sounded hurt.
“Yeah, whatever chubby…I’m thinking a little ginger would taste pretty good right now.” Cletus said as he took another long pull to drag himself closer.
“Oh hell no! I want the fat one!” Bob said as he snagged his partner’s leg and began dragging himself towards Colton.
“We can’t both have the fat one.” Cletus said as he kicked his friend in the face.
“I am not fat. I’m big boned.” Colton snapped.
“Big boned huh…well a big bone would explain how you got that sweet piece of ass back home. I call dibs on Sarah.” Bob said.
“You can’t call dibs on someone that isn’t here.” Cletus snapped.
“What are you? The dibs police? I say I call dibs on Sarah Mudd. You don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t call dibs on.” Bob said as he grabbed Cletus by the belt loop to drag himself up even closer.
*Bang*
Bobby’s shotgun took Bob Pocky’s head, and reduced it to hamburger. “Nobody touches Sarah.” Bobby’s words were ice cold. Even Colton was shocked by the complete change in the man’s demeanor. There was no playfulness to him at all. It was just a cold rage, and as quickly as it came…it went away. Bobby blinked, and he was back to being the goofy redneck Colton called his friend. “Except for you Colt...you can touch her.” Bobby grinned.
“Well thanks. I never realized I needed permission to touch my wife, but thank you for giving it.” Colton said sarcastically. By now Cletus was only a few feet away. Bobby took aim, but his hand was shaking. “I-I-I-I can’t.” Tears were running down his face. He’d hired the man, trained him, had Christmas dinner with him, and the thought of shooting him was just too much.
“That’s okay…just a little closer.” Cletus said as he grabbed the tip of Colton’s shoe. One more pull and he’d be close enough for a bite.
Bobby put Lucy’s barrel next to Cletus’ head, “Sorry. Colton might not be able to shoot you, but I don’t have that problem. You’re fired!”
*Bang*
The front have of Cletus’ face was just gone, and most of the front of his forehead with it. Cletus stopped moving, and Colton started crying. Bobby put his arm around his best friend and let the little man cry. They stood like that for almost an hour before Colton stepped away and wiped his eyes. “When we have to explain all this, can we leave that last part out?” Colton pulled out a handkerchief and blew his nose.
“Fuck no…I’m gonna tell everyone how you cried like a little bitch baby.” Bobby said with a laugh. “I might even make some shit up while I’m at it. Maybe I’ll tell them how you tried to cop a feel.”
Colton punched his friend in the arm, “Asshole.” Then he gave a weak grin, “Thanks.”
“Hey no problem, but can we get out of here? There’s a bunch of pissed off zombie firemen, and who knows who else is infected.” Bobby asked.
“Yeah, but first we need to get rid of that head.” Colton said. He walked passed his friends bodies and pointed the gun at Debra’s forehead.
“Wait…maybe she could be useful.” Bobby said.
“How?”
“Well it isn’t like she can actually come after anyone. Maybe we could take her to some doctor and see if they can figure out how to fix this? I mean I don’t know about you, but shooting zombies hasn’t been the family fun activity that videogames have promised all these years.”
“Well? Maybe. Do you know any doctors?”
“No…wait…B.J.! My daughter knows all kinds of science stuff. I can’t pronounce any of it, but shit…some of that has to be useful. Plus she’s probably got access to labs and stuff. So she might be able to do something, or at least find us some eggheads that can.”
“Well...” Bobby stood there thinking about it for a few moments. Finally, he shrugged, “Shit, why not. It isn’t like we’ve got a lot of options. I’ve got trash bags in the back of the explorer. We’ll put on latex gloves then pick up the head and drop it in the trash bag. Hopefully something good comes out of this.”
The two men worked together to pick up Debra Kuhn’s head. They were careful, but she kept trying to bite them. They dropped her into the garbage bag and then carefully put it in the back of the Explorer. They even moved a few things around to pin it in so that they could be sure it wouldn’t move. The last thing either of them wanted to do was try and hunt down a zombie head that might have rolled under a seat or something.
Colton and Bobby got back into the Explorer. Bobby slid into the driver’s seat, and had to let the seat way back, “Damn you have short little turtle legs.”
“Shut up. I need to get ahold of some of the other local police for mutual aid. Then I need to contact the Center for Disease Control. The CDC needs to know what’s going on. Plus I need to contact the Meyer’s and have them do some scoop and scoots to get all the bodies down to the morgue.” Colton sounded beaten down by it all.
“The Meyers? Oh yeah, the inbreeders you and Achmed told me about. Shit, I’d almost forgot about them. After you’re done I need to call B.J. and make sure she’s there. Be a whole big fucking waste for us to drive over there and she’s hanging out with some new boyfriend.” Bobby stepped down on the gas, and they began driving off towards LSU campus.
Colton’s eyes got all squinty with overprotective anger, “It’s too late for that girl to be out. She should be home studying. Not letting some guy drool all over her.”
“First, she’s a grown up. That means she makes her own decisions. Hell she’s more mature than either of us were at her age. Shit, she’s more mature than we are now. Second, if some guy is drooling over her right now. I’m pretty sure it’s because she wants him to.”
Colton shuddered, “I can’t believe you can be so calm about that. Fathers are supposed to be more protective of their kids.”
“I am, if someone hurt her. Lucy and I would pay that man a very unpleasant visit, and he’d get a twelve-gauge sex change. That being said, I raised that girl right. She knows her own mind on stuff. I think the best thing I can do as her dad is to let her make her own decisions. I mean so far she’s still got all ten fingers, and that’s one better than me.” Bobby raised his hand and wiggled the four remaining digits at Colton as his proof.
Colton growled, “I still don’t like it.”
“That’s why you’re the best godfather ever.” Bobby laughed. “You keep slapping all the boys away from B.J. like flies. Hell, I couldn’t be the overprotective dad even if I wanted to. You already done all the work.”
Colton laughed and then started dialing. A few rings later he had ahold of the Meyers. He gave them the locations and then moved on. Next he called the CDC, and after giving them the best explanation he could that didn’t sound completely insane he was informed that he’d have to send a formal request through a fax from his station using letterhead that clearly advised that the fax was from the sheriff’s department, and that the letterhead displayed a fax number for informational packets to be sent to. The fax number must match the number you are sending from so that we can verify that you are who you say you are before the CDC will even consider it.
“But the…situation could have spread all through the jail. Is there any other way?” Colton asked.
“Certainly, we’ll also accept a teletype from your department, or a notarized letter saying that you are the sheriff, the nature of the problem, and any potential hazards.” The man from the CDC answered.
“Wonderful. I can get you a notarized letter. Where would I need to fax it?” Colton asked.
“From your station, on letterhead with a fax number displayed that matches the number you’ll be sending it from. I thought I made that pretty clear.” The man responded.
“But we can’t go into the station. The…situation might have spread there. Now like I said earlier…is there any way to handle this without going back to the station.” Colton said as politely as he could with gritted teeth.
“Of course. Take the notorized letter to our home office in Atlanta, Georgia, or mail it to us. I can give you the address if you’d like.” The man said with an overly helpful tone.
“I can’t drive all the way to Atlanta. This thing will have spread to God knows who by then and there’ll be no containing it.” Colton was squeezing the phone, and picturing the man on the other phone turning a bright shade of purple.
“You could mail it sir. Perhaps overnight it to use?” The man was still cheerful as ever.
Colton fought the headache that was pulsing just behind his eyes, “So my options are drive to Atlanta, and maybe be there by tomorrow sometime. Then hand you a letter-“
“Oh no sir, I don’t accept mail for the CDC. That’s another department entirely. I could give you their number.” The man interrupted cheerfully.
Colton counted to ten, and tried to think of something to calm himself down before he started screaming. “Ooooooooooookay…so my options are drive to Atlanta, and then deliver it to someone in the CDC that accepts mail. Which means I wouldn’t be able to get back to protect the people until tomorrow evening at the earliest, or I can wait until morning, mail the letter to you, and when you get it a day later I’ll finally get help?”
“Of course sir…just as soon as we can confirm the letter with someone inside the police station in Livingston Parish.” The man didn’t even have a hint of humor in what he’d just said.
“So…ultimately…no matter what I do, I can’t get any help unless I can get back into my station so that you people can verify that I am who I say I am. That’s pretty fucking stupid.” Colton grumbled.
“Sir, may I remind you that all calls are recorded and monitored for quality assurance.” The man rattled the words with complete professionalism, and a cheery demeanor.
Colton nearly started cursing the man out right then, but instead he held his tongue, took a few more calming breaths, and then spoke, “What if I just went to one of the other police stations in the area? Could I get them to send a letter?”
“Of course sir.” The man said in his overly chipper tone.
“Wonderful, so I’ll just have one of them send you the fax, and then the CDC can send someone to my station.” Colton sighed with relief.
“Ewwwww…I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that. Policy dictates that all requests for departmental assistance have to come from that specific department.” The man’s voice was now causing Colton’s left eye to twitch.
Colton began sputtering, but he calmed himself back down to ask one last time, “WHAT…can I do to get the CDC down here to help me that doesn’t involve in any way shape or form me going into my police station?”
There was dead silence for a few moments, and then finally, “Sir…I’m sorry, but policy dictates-“
“Screw your fucking policy…JESUS!” Colton screamed in frustration. “WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET SOMEONE FROM THE GOVERNMENT DOWN HERE? “
“Sir, again…I remind you all conversations are recorded and monitored for quality assurance.” The man was unfazed.
Colton glared at his phone. He couldn’t think clearly enough to even insult the man. Bobby finally reached over and gently took the phone away from his friend, “It’s okay buddy. I got this.” Bobby put the phone on speaker. “Who am I speaking with?”
“This is Allen Conner of the CDC. To whom am I speaking?” The voice was just so bubbly and happy that Bobby considered throwing the cell phone out the window just to shut him up.
“Well Allen. My name is Coonass Mullins. I’d first like to start off by saying I stole this phone.”
“Sir, this is a recorded line, and all conversations are monitored for quality assur-“
“Yeah, yeah, yeah…that’s fine, whatever.” Bobby interrupted. Then after he was sure that Allen was listening Bobby said, “I stole this phone from the sheriff so that I could say that I am currently plotting to assassinate the President. I’m going to kidnap him, sodomize him with a bowling trophy I found at a yard sale two years ago, and then beat him to death with my ex-wife’s crusty old dildo.”
“Sir…we take threats against the president very seriously.”
“Well I hope to fuck you do! In fact I want you to know that not only am I going to beat him to death with her dildo…after he’s dead I’m going to dig a hole in the ground, slide him in, dump my exes collection of Julia Roberts movies in there with him, and then light that son of a bitch on fire. That way when it’s over I’ll have gotten rid of two things I never wanted.”
“Sir…I’m afraid that I’m going to have to report you to the Secret Service.” Allen never lost his enthusiasm.
“Wonderful, and while you’re at it tell that hot piece of ass the President’s married to that my dick tastes like pink lemonade, and I’m giving out free samples anytime she wants some.” Bobby repeated the address of the police station into the phone three times before screaming, “Now I gotta go beat off on the neighbors Chevy Spark. It’s tiny, but kind of sexy”
Bobby hung up the phone and handed it to Colton, then proceeded to drive calmly down the road. Colton just stared at his friend with his jaw hanging open. Eventually he snapped out of it and said, “You do crazy way too well.”
“My ex-wife gave me a lot of practice.” Bobby laughed.
“You know the Secret Service is going to investigate you.”
“Great, and that should get them down to the police station. I’m pretty sure if they run head long into Crazytown then we’ll have the National Guard or something down here to help out.”
Colton shook his head, “It’s a crazy plan, but it’s better than anything I had. Still…aren’t you worried about what might happen if they don’t find anything? I mean what happens if they get here, and all the zombies are gone, or what happens if they are normal? I mean either way, you’re going to get Big Brother eyeing you pretty closely.”
“Yeah…what are they going to do? I own my own business. I pay my taxes. It’s not like they have anything they could use against me, and this is America. I have a constitutional right to act like a complete asshole. So they can just suck it as far as I’m concerned.”
“Don’t you think the comment about the president’s wife was a little much?”
“Hell no. Have you seen her? I wouldn’t mind having to check that woman out for fleas if you catch my drift.” Bobby chuckled, “Besides, if it comes up I’ll just whip it out and tell them it can’t possibly be me because my dick tastes like chocolate chip cookie dough.”
Colton laughed, “Jesus! Man you are just all kinds of wrong…you know that right?”
“Yep, that’s why you hang out with me. I keep you entertained.”
“Maybe, now let me call for mutual aid. There’s got to be a few departments that can spare the manpower.” Colton said. He started dialing, but each time he called the local department wouldn’t agree to assisting him. Either they told him they already had all their manpower assisting New Orleans for Mardis Gras, or they avoided answering him altogether. A few of them even started trying to find out where he was without telling him why. After the fifteenth department either refused directly, or just avoided answering altogether, Colton hung up, “I don’t get it. It’s like they don’t believe me.”
“I was there, and I wouldn’t believe me.” Bobby said.
“I’ll try Lisa. She should be home by now. Maybe she can tell me what’s going on.” Colton squeezed the button to talk over the radio, “Eagle one to Dispatch?”
“Dispatch to Eagle one…go ahead.” Lisa’s voice was calm as ever. The only hint anything was amiss were the screams in the background. It sounded like a man in severe pain. Colton and Bobby looked at each other nervously before Bobby turned his attention back to the road.
“Dispatch…is everything okay?” Colton asked. He couldn’t even hide the fear in his voice.
“Ten-four. Dispatch to Eagle one. Can you meet back at the station?” Lisa’s voice was calm.
Colton’s hand shook, “I thought you were going to head home.”
“I didn’t make it.” Lisa responded.
Colton pounded the dashboard in anger, then he keyed up his radio, “God Lisa…I’m so sorry.”
Lisa was calm, but friendly, “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’m okay…really. I was scared at first, but not now. Now…now I feel just fine. I’m not even hungry after we opened up the cells.”
“Lisa? What did you do? What happened to the prisoners?” Colton growled through the phone.
“Well Esteban and Peanut used some of their fancy tools to cut the locks on the cell doors. Then we just popped the doors open, and grabbed ourselves a bite to eat. I haven’t eaten so much since last Thanksgiving. Some got away with only a bite or two, but most of them came back after the infections set in. There’s about twenty of us in here. They’re all so hungry, so I made some calls. The dayshift is coming in early, and midnights will be here in the next hour or so. I told them it was an emergency situation.” Lisa sounded so satisfied with herself.
“You can’t do this.” Colton snarled into the phone. “Lisa, you know how wrong this is.”
“Oh Hon’ if this is wrong then I don’t want to be right.” Lisa laughed. “Why don’t you come back? You won’t suffer…much. Besides, it isn’t like you’re going to find any help out there. Frankly, you’ll be lucky if you don’t end up locked up before dawn.”
Colton “What did you do?”
“Oh silly…I sent a teletype saying that you’re having some emotional problems, and that you should be considered armed and extremely dangerous. We even called for mutual aid. They’re all coming to help us hunt you down. At least that’s what they think. Of course what’s really going to happen is that we’ll be waiting for them to walk through the front doors, and then Peanut and Esteban are going to shoot them. Well at least until we get full. Then we’ll probably change the rest. It’ll be like ordering delivery.”
“Lisa, for God’s sake…don’t do this!” Colton begged.
“You’re absolutely right. Changing them would be a waste. We have holding cells…we should use them.” Lisa bubbled with excitement. “Oh look…some of the midnight officers are coming in early. You just have to love men that work hard like that.”
“Lisa please! You can’t do this!” Colton screamed into the radio, but he never got a response. “Dammit!” Colton punched the dashboard again a few times before shaking his hand in pain. Without a second of hesitation he began dialing all the numbers he had for his employees. He tried to warn everyone he could, but some had already left for work.
The door opened with a creak. Pauline Tripp covered the bite on her shoulder from her husband. If he saw it he might get the wrong idea. It looked more like a love nip than she would have liked. The other men at the gas station had been able to pry the man off of her before she got hurt too badly. As soon as he was off she ran. She even forgot to pay for the baby formula.
“You took long enough!” Wayne Tripp snapped.
“Sorry. The first place didn’t have what I needed so I had to drive down the road to that other gas station.” Pauline apologized.
“Whatever, now can you go check on the babies? They both keep crying, and it’s really messing with my game.” Wayne said as his thumbs worked like mad on the joystick. His character killed someone else in the game, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Headshot motherfucker!”
Pauline rolled her eyes and made her way to her son. “Dootsie? Hannah? Mommy’s home.” The babies cried louder as they heard their mother’s voice. “Don’t cry…mommy’s here.” David “Dootsie” Tripp giggled when his mother leaned over the baby crib. “Who’s a big boy?” Then she leaned over the other crib, and Hannah Trip began to make happy noises as she saw her mother’s face. The twins were six months old, and they’d only just started learning to crawl. Dootsie giggled again as he filled his diaper. It’s how he earned his nickname to begin with, and he’d certainly lived up to it. Pauline sighed as she took him out of the crib, and then set him on the bed to change him.
“Hey! I need a beer!” Wayne yelled. Immediately the baby started crying again.
Pauline picked up Dootsie, and used him to cover her wound as she brought her husband a beer. “Here you go Wane.”
“Great…now move! You’re blocking the television.” Wayne snarled.
“Yes dear.” She went back to the bedroom, changed Dootsie’s cloth diaper, wiped some of the blood off the baby’s hands, and then set him in the crib. Dootsie immediately began sucking his thumb, unfortunately she hadn’t gotten all the blood off his hands.
Hannah was next. Pauline picked her up and put her on the bed to change her. After getting her cleaned up and freshly changed, Pauline started playing with her daughter. “This little piggy went to the market.” Pauline wiggled Hannah’s big toe and then kissed it. “This little piggy stayed home.” She wiggled the index toe, and then kissed it. “This little piggy had roast beef.” She wiggled the middle toe, and then kissed it. By now the sound of Hannah’s laughter was starting to irritate Wayne.
“Shut that little brat up. I’m trying to pwn noobs.” Wayne snapped.
Pauline looked at the door that lead back to her husband, “Sorry.” Then she looked at Hannah, “We’re going to have to hurry so we don’t make Daddy mad.” Pauline grabbed the fourth toe and wiggled it, “This little piggy had none.” She kissed the fourth toe. “And this little piggy cried wee wee wee all the way home.” Pauline stopped wiggling the pinky toe and then kissed it. “Such sweet little piggy.” Pauline put her babies pinky-toe between her teeth, and then bit down.
The sudden infant’s scream made Wayne jerk. Immediately a nine year old living somewhere in Arizona pulled the trigger on his controller. Wayne’s character died and he screamed, “Motherfucker!”
“How do my balls taste?” The kid in Arizona laughed as he made his character crouch down over the face of Wayne’s character.
“You just got lucky. My kid screamed.” Wayne grumbled.
“How do you keep whining like that with my balls all up in your mouth?” The kid taunted.
“Listen here you little bastard! My kid distracted me, and then there was this lag.”
“Oh boo-hoo-hoo…pussy!”
Wayne was about to really start unloading verbally on the kid, but his daughter Hannah’s screams were getting louder. “Shut that fucking kid up! Jesus!”
“Okay honey.” Pauline’s voice floated to him from the other room. Hannah stopped in mid-scream. The sheer suddenness of it got Wayne’s attention.
“Pauline?” Wayne asked. When there was no answer he set the controller down, “Stupid bitch never listens.” He got up and walked back to the bedroom. When he got in there Pauline was bent over the bed. “Pauline?”
Pauline turned around. “Yes Dear?” Blood covered the lower half of her face.
Wayne panicked and ran to his wife, “Are you okay? Did you fall?” It wasn’t until he was right up on her that he saw their infant daughter. Hannah’s head was twisted almost all the way around. There were little bloody nubs where her fingers and toes had been. The worst part was her stomach. Wayne couldn’t even process it completely. It looked like something had chewed away the baby’s midsection, but he couldn’t put it all together. He couldn’t accept his wife would do something like that. Instead he just stood there frozen. Pauline was still looking up at him, blood dripping off her chin onto the carpet. After another few moments she shrugged, and took another bite.
“W-w-w-w-w-what did you d-d-d-d-d-do?” His mind raced to put everything back together.
Pauline pulled away, part of the baby’s thigh dangling between her teeth. She chewed a few times before swallowing. Then she opened her mouth and said, “You wanted her to be quiet.” Without a second thought she turned back to what used to be baby Hannah and began eating.
Those six words changed his entire world. Everything snapped into total clarity. “Pauline…how could you?”
Pauline turned and stood. Part of a lower intestine hung from between her teeth. The baby dangled from the intestine like it was an umbilical cord waiting to be cut, and with one bite she did just that. The intestine severed. Hannah flopped onto the bed, and then slid off onto the floor with a wet meaty thud. She lunged at him without hesitation. Her mouth was a bloody tragedy waiting to happen.
Wayne leapt away as her teeth snapped shut. Tears streamed down his face. He couldn’t even give words to what he felt. He stepped back through the doorway, and Pauline was right behind him. Wayne kicked the door, and it swung closed. Pauline hammered the door with both fists. The oak door split from the impact, but was still holding together. She hit it a second time and both arms ripped through the top half of the door. Splinters were imbedded all through her forearms.
Pauline hit the door one more time. The door fell in pieces, and there was a distinct pop as one of her wrists broke. Pauline’s right hand flopped around limply. She walked out of the bedroom, and made her way towards her husband.
“Get away!” Wayne screamed.
“Don’t be that way. You know I love you, and I promise it won’t hurt…much.” Pauline leapt at her husband. At the last second, he jumped out of the way. Pauline went face first into a mirror. Glass shattered, cutting her face. Pauline turned to her husband, “Hold still.” She ran at him. Wayne grabbed both her arms, put a foot against her stomach, rolled onto his back, and then kicked as hard as he could.
Pauline went sailing into the television. Sparks shot out of the television, and then it went black before falling down on top of Pauline. “Honey? You’re going to hurt my feelings.”
“You killed Hannah…YOU CRAZY BITCH!”
“You said you’d love me forever.” Pauline started crying as she threw the television off. Wayne dove onto the floor as the television struck the wall right behind him. When he looked up the television was imbedded in the wall.
Wayne crawled on all fours to the kitchen. “Stay back!”
Pauline’s face was shredded by glass, her wrist was shattered. A cheek bone was poking through the skin. Still she put her hand on her hips and tried to pose seductively, “Baby…I want you inside me so bad that I can practically taste it.” Wayne stared at her in horror. Pauline laughed, “Wow, I must be slipping. Normally you come running when I say stuff like that.”
Wayne started grabbing anything he could get his hands on to throw at his wife. Pauline didn’t even try to dodge as knives, a cutting board, fruits, vegetables, and a turkey baster went flying at her. Pauline walked into the kitchen, “Come on, we can get past this. All I want to do is eat your brains. It’s not like I’m being unreasonable.”
Wayne grabbed the freezer door and swung it open. It struck Pauline right in the face, knocking her onto her back. She turned over and started crawling towards her husband. Wayne grabbed the refrigerator door, and slammed it as hard as he could into her face. When the refrigerator door swung back Pauline’s nose was folded over sideways, and her lip was split almost all the way down to her chin.
Wayne kicked the refrigerator door with everything he had. There was a meaty crunch. The door swung back. Pauline’s left cheek was completely caved in. She smiled, and bits of teeth fell to the floor. Her smile was like a broken window. She barely resembled the woman he’d promised to love forever.
“Hoonah, donth ronnuhway fron muh!” Her jaw was broken, and she could just barely form words. Pauline started to move towards him again. Wayne grabbed the edge of the refrigerator, and yanked on it with everything he had. It leaned, and then crashed on top of Pauline’s back. The force drove blood up and out of her mouth. It sprayed everywhere. She was liked an insect that someone just stepped on. Wayne sighed in relief, and then the refrigerator started moving.
Pauline started to rise up. Wayne panicked and grabbed his George Foreman grill. He raised it high over his head, and brought it crashing down on Pauline. He slammed it against her head over and over until it was reduced to mush. She didn’t move anymore. Wayne just stood there in shock.
“Nobody is going to believe this.” He said to himself. Both hands shook violently. Tears were still streaming down his face. In his mind he could already see how this was going to end. Everyone in the family already knew that he and Pauline had been having problems. He knew he wasn’t the best husband, but he’d never hit her before now, and yet there she was. He doubted anybody would believe what he told them. Afterall, Pauline was beaten to a pulpy mess, and he didn’t even have a scratch on him. There was Hannah, maybe someone would believe what he had to say when they saw his daughter.
Wayne vomited the moment he remembered his daughter’s body dangling from her own insides. It was all too much. He sat down in the rapidly growing puddle of blood on the kitchen floor. Wayne didn’t want to be there, but his legs just wouldn’t hold him up anymore. He was like a marionette after the strings were cut. His eyes kept darting around the room as if he hoped any moment he’d wake up from a nightmare. He’d lost his wife, his daughter. He still wasn’t sure if his son was alive, but he couldn’t will himself back up to walk and check. By any definition he was a broken man.
The phone rang. Wayne reached out numbly for the cordless, and put it to his ear.
“Hello, this is James from Morningstar Telephone. I’d like to talk with you about your current long distance provider.”
Wayne’s voice was cold and empty, “My wife is dead.”
“Well we at Morningstar Telephone are truly saddened by your loss, and we’re prepared to offer you some of the lowest long distance rates in the country if you switch your carrier to us now.”
“My daughter…is dead.” Wayne sobbed.
“Also a terrible loss, and speaking of losses. How much money are you losing by staying with your current phone provider. Are you aware that you could be saving up to eight percent by changing to Morningstar Telephone?”
“I killed my wife after she killed our daughter.” Wayne kept crying. He fell onto his side in the blood, and then curled up in the fetal position.
“Speaking of killings…if you act now you’ll make a killing in savings. We’ll also send you your choice of three different styles of novelty phones. We have a phone shaped like a cat, an Elvis Presley phone that dances when you receive a call, and Spongebob Squarepants for the kids, but that’s not all. If you agree to bundle your phone service with internet we’ll also send you at no extra cost a free-“
*Click*
“Oh that’s so sad.” Polly cried. “That poor baby…and her mommy.”
“Yeah, it just breaks my heart.” Gary said sympathetically. “If you kids want I can always go back to telling those old horror stories your camp counselor was telling.”
The kids groaned, and begged for the man to continue. Even Ashley was begging, “Come on, do you know how many times I have to hear the hook hand story? I’d do anything to just hear something different.” Then she pressed up against the older man, “I mean it. I’d do anything.”
A huge grin spread across the older man’s face. “I’ll have to remember that for later.” He winked at the young woman then lit himself a cigarette. He took a few drags on it, and then looked out into the woods. “Well, look who it is…DID YOU WIPE?”
“Yes Daddy!” John responded. His large body came lumbering out of the tree line.
“Where’s Marvin?” Ashley asked.
John stopped moving and stared blankly at the pretty little camp counselor. Then, as if someone finally flipped on a switch, his whole body jerked and he grunted, “He go back to camp…making phone calls.”
“Maybe we’ll be lucky and he’ll stay away long enough for us to finish the story?” Ryan said, and all the other teenagers quickly began nodding in support.
“Uncle Gary?” A young blonde girl, probably no older than twelve or thirteen raised her hand. “I need to go back to the restrooms.”
“Restrooms? We had home for poo?” John asked.
“Well yeah.” The little girl answered. “Back at Camp Holiness. There’s a boys and a girls restroom.”
“No fair! I made stinky in the woods.” John pouted.
“Oh don’t be a baby. You’d have had to go anyway if they weren’t here.” Gary said matter-of-factly.
“Pinecones hurt.” John grumbled, and the kids burst into nervous laughter.
“You don’t wipe with a pine cone. You use leaves. Remember…leaves good, pine cone bad.” Gary grinned.
“Leaves good, pine cone bad…” John grinned back, “and dead squirrel?”
“Is disturbing as hell.” Gary laughed. Some of the kids started gagging, “He’s just kidding. My boy made a joke. Didn’t you son?”
“Ha-ha, I made a funny.” John bounced up and down, his stomach jiggling with laughter.
The kids started laughing. Some of it was genuine, but most of it was a sympathy laugh because they were all raised to respect the mentally handicapped. Years of being taught to respect people with differences, and being discouraged from making fun of anyone made it practically impossible for them to laugh at the mentally challenged obese man. They could laugh with him, but not at him. They wanted to. He was a chubby, hyper-enthusiastic, and very clumsy looking man. By his expression it was clear that the wheels were turning, but the hamster was dead.
“I still need to go back to the restroom.” The girl said.
“Well I suppose that we can go back together.” Ashley said sadly.
“No…it’s okay. My boy will go back with them. Then they can do whatever they got to do, and then come back if they want, or maybe they all would rather stay back at their cabins. Boy! You follow them back to their cabins, and then if any want to come back you walk them back. I want you to go straight there and straight back. No wandering…do you understand?” Gary asked.
“Yes Daddy.” John giggled and hopped up and down while waiting on the kids that needed to go. The kids started walking down the dirt path single file, and the fat man followed them. They barely went ten feet when the mentally handicapped man started singing “My Ding-a-Ling” by Chuck Berry. His voice was off key, and it got worse as he kept singing it. They all kept marching off into the darkness, his voice grew fainter, and more out of tune.
The ten kids left stared off into the darkness uncomfortably. Several of them wanted to point say something…anything, but they were afraid they’d get in trouble for pointing out the wrongness of what the man was singing. They were all afraid people would say they were criticizing the man for being retarded, and not because of what he was doing. So instead they just stared nervously into the dark, and hoped someone else would say something.
“My boy…I try and teach him not to sing that, but he just can’t help himself. Oh well, at least it wasn’t the one about the lapdance being better when the stripper is crying. That song just irritates the shit out of me.” Gary laughed, and the kids relaxed a little. They all assumed that if John’s father didn’t think anything was wrong, then why should they.
“Are you sure that it’s okay to let him walk them there and back?” Ashley asked.
Gary wrapped pulled the young blonde a little closer, “Trust me. My boy might be retarded, but he does what he’s told. He’ll take those kids back to your camp, and he’ll bring them back. Well he’ll bring the ones that want to come back anyway, but by the looks of them I think most if not all were planning on staying. My son’s pretty single-minded. If I tell him to do something then you can count on it getting done.”
“But what if he wanders off?” Ashley voice was filled with concern.
“Don’t worry Babe…He’ll make a beeline there and back. I just have to worry about him wandering around when he doesn’t have something to occupy his mind. Right now he’s focused on getting there and back. That’s plenty to keep him from wandering.” The older man said while stroking her back. He took a few more puffs from his cigarette before speaking, “Okay where was I?”
Jimmy blurted out, “Right after the dead baby. The guy just squashed his wife with a refrigerator, and then beat her to death with a George Foreman grill.”
Gary laughed, “Oh yeah…well that’s one way to knock out the fat.”
The teenagers tried not to laugh, they knew they really shouldn’t, but despite their efforts a few giggles still slipped out. Even Ashley the camp counselor snickered before slapping the man across the chest, “Oh you’re so bad.” She let her hand linger on his pectorals.
Gary whispered into her ear, “Maybe later, after they’re asleep, we can be bad together.”
Ashley’s eyes took on a mischievous glint, “I think I’d like that.”
The man grinned, and then continued, “Okay, so the kid is dead, the wife is dead. You guys know I really thought about using a salad shooter to kill her, but I thought that might be a bit much. Well anyway…Wayne Tripp was laying there on the floor in his wife’s blood. Now right at that exact time Danior was running through the bayou…”
Danior ran through the bayou. Water splashed with each bounding step. He tried to stay in the shallows, and even on land when possible, but every once in a while he had to go into deep water. The brackish water devoured him when he got too deep. His heavy muscular body was too dense to swim easily. As he sank into the depths, Danior paddled as hard and fast as possible to try and get to more shallow water. As soon as his feet touched the bottom Danior would jump forward and up to propel himself even further. Danior exploded out of the water, sailed sometimes as much as a hundred feet through the air, and then crashed down into the water with a loud splash. With each leap, Danior risked impaling himself on a tree branch, or hanging himself on a vine. Even the landings were dangerous. Several times he landed on logs just under the water’s surface.
When he struck the logs, bones broke, but they reset almost immediately. He didn’t even slow down. It was the first night he could remember being free. The doctors had kept him as a teen. His pack leader had been willing to sacrifice the entire pack to protect the secret. He’d been dead all these years. Who even knew if the other packs still existed? It didn’t matter, none of it mattered. Danior was free, and after all these years he could finally make them pay.
The doctors and scientists that had worked on Danior were dead, but the government that paid them were still thriving, and if the government was taken over…well they were probably just as bad. Danior flung himself into the air with reckless abandon. The parasite had in some ways done him a favor. Certainly it had killed him, but in a way it also provided him with the means to his revenge. If he’d had just been a werewolf then he’d have probably died of old age by now. Instead the infection killed his body, and now every time he changed back from being a werewolf he was a healthy young man in his early thirties. What little sanity he had after all the experiments was completely obliterated over the last fifty years. Every full moon he had to change, and for the last fifty years he’d been in a terrible cycle of rising to the full moon inside that dead compound.
Even the undead that roamed the corridors with him all those years had wound down to dried out husks. They might move occasionally, but it was slow and they didn’t want to waste any energy they might have left until some food was available. He hadn’t been so lucky. When the moon rose, he had to change, and so every full moon he rose up without food or water. He didn’t have anything to eat or drink so that he could heal. So the transformations really just resulted in him being a dried up husk of a werewolf. Still, he maintained consciousness the entire time the moon held sway over him. He broke with sanity after the first two or three years, he’d suffered like this for fifty years. There would be retribution.
He hated the Germans for capturing and killing his family, but he hated the Americans more. The Germans never claimed to him to be anything other than what they were, but the Americans all claimed to be the good and decent saviors of the world. Apparently their particular brand of salvation wasn’t extended to him. Instead he was subjected to even worse tortures by the man that by all rights should have been executed as the very real monster that he was.
Aribert Heim had always treated Danior badly. Aribert threw out all scientific method when it had come to the werewolf. Instead he behaved like a child with his first chemistry set. Aribert tried things out as the mood suited him. He did this without regard to Danior’s mental or physical well-being. Danior wanted the man dead, but now could only console himself with the fact that in all likelihood the Doctor had died of old age. Still, if he’d somehow survived then nothing would bring Danior more pleasure than hunting the man down and performing many of the same experiments he’d endured on the doctor. That thought brought a dark joy to Danior’s heart, but it was short lived.
Each deafening splash drew the attention of local wildlife. Some things, like gators, began moving towards the sound, but most things ran away. It didn’t matter though. Danior was so hungry that anything unfortunate enough to cross his path was almost immediately eaten. Turtles, snakes, crawfish, alligators, and even fish all were eaten as he moved like a blur through the bayou. With every bite he healed even more. He’d woken a dried husk, and by now he was almost completely healed.
Danior splashed, and crashed through the swamp. He still felt a little embarrassed that he’d been scared off so easily, but most of the initial embarrassment had turned to a white hot rage. Finally, he found a road. Danior walked down the side of the road along the tree line. He could smell exhaust being carried on the wind, and so Danior stalked his way along the road. He’d need clothes and a place to hide when the sun rose.
Up ahead he saw taillights. He started a slow trot towards the vehicle. The driver was standing beside his car. He just finished up peeing, and started making his way around to the driver’s side. Danior picked up speed, but it was already too late. The man slipped into his vehicle and drove off. In his werewolf form Danior could probably have chased the vehicle down, but he was still trying to adjust to this new world. He didn’t know what kind of weapons the man might have. He’d need a day or two to acclimate, and he’d need to start rebuilding a pack. He could already feel the pull of one in his bloodline. It was faint, and very new, but he could feel the connection vibrating between them like a guitar string. He’d have to search this other person out.
Danior tried to call out to the other, but they were either unconscious, or they were so lost to the change that they couldn’t hear him. The second was the most likely of the two. It was another sign that whoever it was…they were a very new werewolf. Danior kept plodding his way down the road until he say a gate. Where there was a gate, there was a house, and where there was a house there were people, and where there were people…there would be food and potential future pack members.
He slipped over the gate and made his way up the dirt driveway. He moved his way toward the house, but halfway there he heard a barn door open and then shut. The house was pitch black, but the barn had a faint light that he could just barely see. Danior moved to investigate. He was slow and cautious. When he was halfway to the barn he could make out some type of romantic music. As he got closer he could hear what sounded like a man inside.
“Oh Baby! Oh Baby! I love you Baby! You’re the only one for me. The other’s never meant anything. It’s always been you, and it’ll always be you. Oh Baby! I’m almost…SHAZAAAAM!”
Danior moved around the barn. He didn’t want any unnecessary surprises. So he sniffed around. He could smell one man inside, and there had been another there earlier, but he’d been gone awhile. There was even the smell of a woman, but it was the faintest of all. Danior was about to open the door and go in when he heard the man inside, “What’s that Baby? You want to dance? Well okay, but I’m leading this time.”
Danior looked up and saw the open doors to the loft. Instead of going through the front, he decided to surprise the couple. He only smelled one man inside, but by the conversation he knew there had to be a couple. He bent down and then leapt into the loft. His landing was soft and gentle. The loft held enough hay to cushion his landing, and it even helped to quiet his steps.
“That’s right Baby. I’ve been practicing. See how good I’ve gotten?” The man said gently.
Danior looked down from the loft, and nearly fell down laughing. In the center of the barn was a man wearing no clothes, and he was dancing to slow, seductive music with a goat. The goat’s two front legs were being held up by the man. He held “Baby” like any man would hold his lover. He even showered kisses on the goats face and horns.
He was about to pounce when he heard a door slam shut from outside, “GODAMMIT JIMBO! If you’re in that barn fucking one of my goats again I swear to God I’ll be emptying buckshot into your creepy ass!”
“Don’t be afraid Baby…I’ll protect you.” Jimbo said as he stepped between the goat and the door.
The door kicked open, and in walked an elderly fat man, “You little pervert! Wasn’t it bad enough when you fucked my turkey? If my wife had found out it might have ruined Thanksgiving. Now you’re out here fucking my goat? Can’t you get a woman like normal folk? Shit I’ll even pay for a hooker if it means you quit sticking your dick in all my livestock.”
“Don’t try and stop us Jimmy Jack! This time it’s love.” Jimbo braced himself to protect his goat lover. Baby however had already wandered over in boredom to get a mouthful of feed.
Jimmy Jack took aim, “Now get your ass out of here before I fill your ass full of lead.”
It was then that Danior decided to strike. He dropped down from the rafters. Using his incredible strength, Danior clubbed Jimmy Jack on the head. Jimmy Jack’s head caved in. Both eyeballs had nowhere left to stay. They shot out like two party poppers, but instead of confetti spraying out joyfully into space, it was two eyeballs and a spray of blood. The shotgun fell down, but didn’t go off.
Danior pulled off the man’s arm, and let his body flop to the ground. Jimbo panicked and tried to run for the door, but Danior kicked Jimmy Jack’s body. Jimmy Jack sailed through the air and slammed into the double doors. Jimbo was blocked by the farmer’s still twitching body. He backed up and looked for a weapon while the werewolf took his time eating the other man’s arm…bone and all. There were hatchets, and chainsaws. He could even see a sledgehammer, and an old deer rifle. The problem was that they were all on the other side of the barn, and he’d have to go through Danior to reach them.
That left the farmer’s shotgun, but it was right at the feet of an eight foot tall gray zombie werewolf. Jimbo ran at the gun and dove, but Danior caught him and flung him against a wall. Jimbo struck his head and nearly blacked out. Danior started moving towards him. Danior’s fangs dripped with anticipatory drool.
That’s when baby butted the werewolf as hard as she could. Danior fell to his knees, and a snarl curled up across his face. He turned and started after the brave, but sexually promiscuous goat. Baby backed up from the predator. It bleated in fear as the zombie werewolf got closer. Danior was about to strike.
*Bang*
Pellets from the buckshot shredded Danior’s back. The pain was intense, but almost as soon as the damage was done…it began healing. The lead pellets popped back out of the wounds, and thumped as they fell to the floor. Danior glanced over his shoulder at the man, and then turned back to the little goat. Danior knew how to really hurt this deranged man, and he pressed in to slaughter the goat. Baby was pressed in to the edge of the barn, and the little goat was bleating in terror. It’s eyes were wide and fearful as Baby looked out to Jimbo for protection.
“Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” Jimbo said before gripping the barrel of the shotgun like it was a bat and running at the werewolf in order to bash its brain in.
He got three steps before Danior turned around and grabbed the man by the throat. He eyed the nude man. During that time Danior started trying to decide what would be best. Then, after having debated in his head for a moment, Danior bit the man’s shoulder. He was intentionally infecting the man. Once he was sure the parasite was in the man’s blood, Danior threw the man into the barn door. It gave way, and Jimbo rolled another twenty feet. He was completely unconscious.
Danior walked out of the barn, and then moved to the house. The front door was unlocked. Danior moved through the house quietly. He caught glimpses of photos on the walls. The man had sons, but they’d grown up. It looked like he was married. Danior made his way to the bedroom.
At eight feet, he had to hunch over so that he didn’t bump into anything. The only other problem he had was his increased weight. The floorboards creaked and groaned under each step. Peggy Verne, Jimmy Jack’s wife of twenty-four years, heard the floorboards and woke up, “Jimmy Jack? You okay? It wasn’t Jimbo again was it?”
The noise of the creaking floorboards got closer. Finally, Peggy Verne rolled over, and opened her eyes. Right in front of her face was Danior’s groin. At first she wasn’t awake enough to realize what she was looking at, and just thought it was her husband. He was a hairy man, and combined with lack of sleep…she just assumed she was staring at her husband’s crotch, “Well someone is pretty presumptuous.” She said, but as sleepy as she was it came out, “Wesummunishpersumpshus.”
She reached out and wrapped her hand around what she thought was her husband’s penis, and started stroking. “Okay, but hurry up this time. I have to be awake early in the morning to get to work.” Again, due to lack of sleep this came out, “Oak, buttery up the Tim. I half to bake Earl in tha morning.” Peggy kept stroking to get her husband ready. He was always a frisky man, but as he got older he needed more coaxing before he could actually enjoy his wife.
Danior towered over the bed. He was absolutely still. He’d never actually had a woman before, and he wasn’t exactly sure what she was doing. All he knew was he didn’t want her to stop. He felt himself begin to stiffen. As he stiffened, he lengthened, and that’s when she began to scream.
“YOU’RE NOT MY HUSBAND! WHO ARE YOU?” She flipped on the lamp light, and saw Danior bent over the bed. His mouth was open and hung down over her like a chandelier of death. Each tooth was sharp, and pointed straight down at her. Her screams enraged the werewolf, and Danior tried to grab the woman. She rolled away towards the center of the bed. The water in the bed swayed as her weight shifted. Even after she stopped the waterbed kept moving her up and down. Danior leapt onto the bed, and banged his head against the ceiling in the process. His feet were on the wood inserts that held the waterbed in place as he howled in anger.
“HELP!” Peggy Vern screamed as she punched him in his testicles.
Danior fell forward, pinning the woman between his legs. The claws from his feet punctured holes in the waterbed, and water began squirting in all directions while the werewolf recovered from the pain. As the pain subsided, his rage continued to grow.
“Ple-e-e-ase let me go. Oh God! Jimmy Jack? JIMMY JACK PLEASE HELP ME!” She begged and pleaded, but Danior was in no mood for it.
The werewolf grabbed her by the shoulders. He stood back up, and lifted her into the air with him. Then, when he had her four to five foot off the bed, Danior slammed her back down into the water bed with every ounce of strength he had. The waterbed burst like a balloon. Water went everywhere. The impact shattered most of Peggy Verne’s bones. Somehow she stayed conscious. Danior then lifted her up again, and threw her into the now completely deflated rubber that was once a waterbed. Peggy hit, and reduced the wood that the waterbed had rested on to splinters. It caved in, and she kept going. She broke through the pedestal that the waterbed stood on, and even cracked a few tile that the pedestal was resting on. Any bone that had survived the first impact, was practically reduced to powder by the second. Blood ran out of her eyes, nose, and every other orifice. She wasn’t screaming anymore…she wasn’t doing anything.
Danior dragged her body out of the broken waterbed, through the house, and then back to the barn. He held her by one foot, and let the rest drag behind him. Peggy left a blood trail all the way. When Danior pulled her through the barn door he looked around, and that’s when he found him.
Jimbo was on top of Baby again, but this time he was eating the goat. He’d changed into a werewolf. Danior reached deep within and found the connection he now had with Jimbo. He pulled on it, and Jimbo stopped. He turned around and looked Danior in the eyes and nodded. As a reward for Jimbo’s loyalty, Danior tossed him Peggy Verne’s body to feast on after he finished with Baby.
Danior watched on as the first official member of his pack resumed eating. There’d be others. He’d heard the scientists and doctors speak. Danior knew how hard it would be to kill him now, but as just one werewolf he could be overpowered by enough men. If he made enough of his kind, then he could command an unstoppable army. Then he could make them all suffer the way he had. He could spread terror and death to everyone, but he needed a pack to do this. He thought of all the havoc he’d soon be able to cause, and for a few brief moments Danior was truly happy.
“Evangeline Hall…hell of a lot nicer place when we aren't trying to bring all her shit inside.” Colton said.
“Yeah, thank God she got a scholarship. I could build septic tanks from here to eternity and barely afford her books, let alone room, board, and tuition. Why didn’t you tell me college cost so much?” Bobby asked.
“Are you kidding? Didn’t you wonder why I went to community college?”
“I just thought college was college. You mean they have different prices? Shit…B.J. should have shopped around then.”
Colton laughed, “It doesn’t really work that way buddy. Colleges are like designer clothes. You pay for the name.”
“I shop at Wal-Mart.”
“Yeah, and when the ladies see you coming they say. Now there’s a cheap son of a bitch, and that is why you haven’t had a real date since you divorced Sue. Now if you bought a pair of Levi’s once in a while instead of Faded Glory you might get a girl to look at you for longer than two seconds. Hell she might even like what she sees.”
“That’s bullshit. Women aren’t that shallow. I’ve just been having a dry spell.”
Colton shook his head, “Three months is a dry spell. When you hit a year it’s an official drought. You haven’t had a date since you got divorced. That my friend is a freaking desert of datelessness.”
“I had a date eight months ago.” Colton growled.
“Really? Who?”
Bobby pointed at the axe still embedded in the side of the Explorer, “Well…can you believe that is still stuck there?”
“Who was it Coonass?”
“I mean that axe had to be doing ninety when it stuck in the side like that.”
Colton glared at his friends, “Coonass? Who was it?”
“We should leave this in for decoration. It’d be a hell of a thing for people to see this Halloween. Can you imagine their faces when they see us rolling in lights and sirens with a freaking axe sticking out of the side?”
“Bobby…stop trying to change the subject. Who’d you see?” Colton eyed his friend suspiciously.
“Sally Mae.” Bobby hung his head in shame.
“No…”
Bobby shrugged, “It wasn’t my finest moment. I admit that. Now can we drop this.”
“She’s half your age.” Colton teased.
“I’m not that damn old.” Bobby growled.
Colton grinned, “So what did B.J. think about it.”
“Nothing, and you damn well better keep your mouth shut.” Bobby hissed.
“What? You don’t want her to know about her future stepmother.” Colton laughed.
“Fuck you!” Bobby spat.
“Well apparently that was Sally Mae’s job.” Colton doubled over laughing.
“Can we just drop this? It was a moment of weakness, and I paid for it. So let’s just drop it.”
“Paid for it? What happened?”
Bobby stopped trying to make his way to the residence hall, and groaned, “She gave me crabs. Now can we please never ever speak about this again?” Colton was about to continue his torments when Bobby made an offer, “I’ll make you a deal. You keep my secret, and I’ll keep yours. I promise not to tell Sarah about the sweets.”
“And you’ll buy me some donuts.” Colton added.
“Fine, but I swear to God if you tell anyone that Sally Mae gave me crabs…I’ll duct tape you to the cross bars at Denham Springs High School, and then glue Sue’s crusty old dildo to your forehead. Even Butch the Yellow Jacked won’t want to save you then.” Bobby threatened.
“What’s with you and your ex-wife’s dildo? What is it? Dong envy?”
“No…it’s just. I mean she just. Well you see…” After a moment he groaned, “She left it, and I can’t get her to come pick it up. The damn thing just sits on her end table looking at me.”
“Looking at you?”
“It has balls.”
“So?”
“One night I got drunk and drew eyes on the balls. Now it looks kind of like a big nose and eyes. Scares the shit out of me every morning when I wake up. When I go to bed I can just feel it staring at me.”
Colton laughed, “Oh don’t be a pussy. Throw that damn thing away.”
“Hell no…I know where that thing has been. I’m scared to touch it.”
“You drew eyes on it.”
Bobby groaned, “I was drunk.”
Colton smiled, “Okay, it’s a deal. I’ll keep your secret, and you keep mine.”
They shook on it and walked toward the double doors at the front of Evangeline Hall. They passed the service desk, and then moved towards the lobby. The lobby was huge, with cozy seating, and a nice sized television. The floor was tiled, but the seating areas had carpeting. It all looked warm and inviting. There were a group of students studying quietly. Colton began walking right towards the students. As he walked up some of the students started laughing. One of them, a tall Hispanic man with a unibrow grinned, “Well…if it isn’t the sheriff of the lollipop guild.”
Colton didn’t react. Instead he asked calmly, “Have any of you seen B.J. Mullins?”
“I saw a B.J. once, but then your mom let him finish on her face.” The student laughed, and then high-fived his friend.
“That’s cute.” Colton growled. “You know what else is cute?”
“What?” The man asked.
“It’s cute that you’re smart enough for college, but not smart enough to cover your balls when you talk smack. Kee-Ya’ll!” Colton grinned wickedly as he punched the man in the groin. “Don’t fuck with my Reckneck-fu! Now somebody tell me where to find my goddaughter, or I start arresting everyone for interfering with an investigation.”
“I think that you’ve done enough Sheriff Mudd.” A campus policeman said as he walked up. Behind him were three other campus officers. “We were warned that you might be having a few…personal issues. We saw your vehicle outside. Now if you’ll put your guns down, and get on your knees.”
“I can explain.” Colton said with his hands out.
The four campus police kept their guns pointed at the short redhead and started screaming, “On the ground now!” They were trying to take charge of the situation. The more Colton tried to explain, the louder the campus policemen screamed. They refused to listen until they knew they had the situation under control.
Unfortunately for them, Bobby had other ideas. He took the sack and rolled the head out across the floor. Debra Kuhn’s head came to a stop in front of the officers. Her eyes rolled around for a moment, and then she began biting at the officers. Two of the officers passed out immediately. The other two men gave high pitched screams, and ran away. The first officer ran face first into the wall, and knocked himself out. The other officer ran screaming towards the exit. He kept looking back at the head. Debra was trying to chase the man, but with no means to pursue she could only waggle her tongue and wiggle her lower jaw. Unfortunately, the officer ran right into a table with a floral display. The table turned over, the floral display hit the floor and flowers went everywhere. The officer tumbled over the table, struck his head, and was knocked out immediately. The momentum slid the man across the floor on his face. There was a sickening squeak as he slid the almost twelve feet.
Bobby walked over and picked up Debra’s head. He then shook it at the students, “Okay, first person to tell me where Bobbie Joe Mullins is right now doesn’t have to kiss the head. As for the rest of you…pucker up bitches!”
“Bobby!” Colton gasped in shock.
Debra Kuhn licked her lips, and started making kissing faces as the coeds. Two of them started throwing up immediately. One of the girls panicked and screamed, “B.J.’s either in the library, or she’ll be in her dorm.”
“Okay, I know where her dorm room is. Thank you. I’ll check the library on the way to it.” Bobby started looking for a way to the second floor.
“Dammit Coonass! As if we didn’t have enough problems.” Colton groaned.
“Well you stay here and explain it all to the officers, I’ll go talk to B.J. so that we can get her started figuring out what the hell we’ve gotten ourselves into. Once you get things straightened out make your way up to her dorm room. Do you remember which one?”
“Hell yes I remember which one. You and me were the ones that had to drag all her stuff up there, but maybe you should bring her back down. It’s going to take me a little while to explain everything.”
“Okay, but first.” Bobby grinned, “Boogah boogah boogah!” He shook the head at the students one last time, and they all ran off screaming. The Hispanic young man was still clutching his balls as he ran away crying. “Ha-ha-ha damn that was funny.”
“COONASS!” Colton screamed. “We’ve got enough problems without you fucking with everyone.”
“Oh…I’m sorry Mr. Redneck-fu. I’d try to be more like you, but I don’t think I can bring myself to punching people in the dick.” Bobby teased.
“That was wrong of me, but you know how I hate it when people pick on me for my height.”
“Yeah…I know. I’m not saying he didn’t have it coming. I’m just saying don’t give me shit about my behavior when you’re doing the same damn thing.” Bobby snapped as he tossed Debra’s head back in the sack.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“You should be, but if he comes back I say punch him in the balls again. That way he learns never to pick on someone for being a midget again.”
“Thanks.”
“He should be making jokes about you being fat…or a pasty ass fucking ginger. Calling you a midget is just too damn easy.” Bobby teased.
“Asshole.” Colton grumbled. Bobby was already up the stairs, and headed towards the library so Colton went over to the officer sprawled out on the tile floor. He handcuffed the man with his own cuffs, and then rolled him over. He then did the same thing to the other three officers, and finally he dragged the men back together. “There, now all I have to do is wake them up.” He started nudging the first officer. His nametag said Billy Bob Gaither.
“Billy Bob?” Colton said as he shook the man. “Billy Bob?” The man was out cold. Colton walked over to where the students had been sitting and grabbed one of the fountain drinks they left. He then walked back to the officer, pulled the front of his shirt open, and dumped ice cold Mountain Dew down the man’s shirt.
“Holy Fuck!” Billy Bob screamed. The cold nestling itself just below his bellybutton.
“I think we need to have a little chat.” Colton said with a friendly smile.
Bobby scrambled into the library. B.J. was bent over a book. He stopped and grinned. B.J. was a beautiful young woman. She had flawless caramel skin, high cheek bones, and a smile that lit up a room. Nobody could deny her good looks, and the fact that she was as smart as she was just made Bobby as proud as he could be. B.J. might not have been his biological daughter, but he raised her. They couldn’t look more different. Bobby the nine-fingered, blonde-haired, blue-eyed bayou boy that usually had to take a shower to improve from looking absolutely filthy to just a little dirty because of the long hours he put in working at his septic tank business, and B.J. the stunning young woman that looked like she belonged on a runway modeling, and certainly not in a science lab. Her little pixie haircut, and skin tone made her look like a very young Halle Berry. In fact she looked so much like her that Bobby ended up throwing up after watching Monster’s Ball. There are just some things a father shouldn’t think about when it comes to his daughter, and her having sex with Billy Bob Thornton was definitely one of those things.
“B.J.?”
“Dad? Oh my god! What happened to your face?” B.J. hopped up and ran over to her father to check the black eyes and broken nose. His smile stretched almost from ear to ear. No matter what, he always was happy to see her. B.J. tried to hug him, but Bobby backed away.
“Sorry. Not right now. I’m filthy. I wouldn’t want to ruin your nice clothes.”
“Oh these things? Dad I got these from Goodwill.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me you were low on money. You know I’d send you whatever I had.”
B.J. laughed, “Dad…that’s the in thing now. You go shopping at Goodwill to find vintage clothing.”
“Really?” Bobby asked, and when his daughter nodded he laughed, “Shit, who knew the homeless were so damn trendy.”
“So now how about that hug?”
B.J. held her arms open in anticipation but Bobby shook his head and walked over to a table. “No, not yet. I need you to see something first. Now promise me that you won’t scream, or freak out.”
“Not a chance…”
“Well at least sit down in a chair then. I can’t show you this and worry about catching you if you fall down.”
“What’s in the sack?” B.J. asked.
“Find a seat.”
B.J. grabbed a chair and sat down, “If this jumps out at me then you can wash your own clothes this weekend.”
“Okay, but just stay calm.” Bobby turned the sack over, and Debra’s head rolled out. B.J. screamed, and Bobby grabbed the head in order to set it right side up on Debra’s neck. “There, wouldn’t want you to roll off.”
Debra mouthed thank you, and then looked to B.J. and mouthed hello.
“What the fuck?” B.J. screamed, and then covered her mouth in embarrassment. She’d never cursed in front of her father before. “Sorry.”
Bobby laughed, “No…if this isn’t a what the fuck moment then I sure as shit don’t know what is. By the way, Colton’s downstairs. We need to get down there pretty soon.”
“Uncle Colton? Downstairs? Why?”
Bobby shook Debra’s head a little, “This…mostly. There’s also some cops down there that think we’ve sort of lost it. So he’s trying to straighten that out. We can’t stay long. Me and Colton have to get back and look after Sarah, and try to figure out how to get this under control.”
“Well what exactly is…this.” B.J. said as she gestured at Debra’s head. Debra took offense at being called a “this” and made an angry face at the young woman. “Sorry ma’am.” B.J. apologized, and Debra mouthed a very terse thank you.
Bobby chuckled, “Well I’m pretty sure this cutie here is a zombie. We’ve ran into a bunch of them back home. The fire department is all zombies, the paramedics, both of Colton’s deputies were zombies. Even his dispatcher got turned into a zombie. There’s probably a shitload more of them now, but we thought maybe bringing this one to you might go a long way into finding a way to stop it.”
“Stop it? I’m not sure I even know where to begin.” B.J. said as she looked at the head. “I mean she’s got no body. There is no reason I can think of that she’d still be able to move like that.”
“Zombie.”
“Dad…there’s no such thing as zombies.”
“You said the same thing about unicorns, but I still got you a unicorn ride for your fifth birthday.”
B.J. sighed, “Supergluing a bull horn to a horse doesn’t make it a unicorn dad, and if you remember we both got thrown out because of it. I mean you nearly went to jail.”
“You were five…I figured you wouldn’t know any better. Besides, you had the biggest smile.” Bobby grinned unapologetically.
“It was sweet, but that’s not the point. What I’m trying to say is that zombies don’t exist.”
“But there’s one right there.” Bobby pointed at Debra’s head.
“I can see that, but what I mean is that there’s nothing like this in science.”
“So you’ll be the first. That’s gotta be good for one of those Noel prizes.”
“It’s Nobel prize dad. Noel is the Christmas song.” B.J. laughed.
“Well either way…we brought it to you. Colton’s got his hands full with zombies, I sure as hell can’t figure out what to do with them. I mean besides shooting them in the head.”
Debra glared at the man and mouthed, “Bring it on.”
Bobby explained everything that had happened up until now, and then he loaded the head back into the sack so they could go down to check on Colton and the campus police. When they got there Colton was still explaining everything, but this time he was talking with Herbert Hocks, the chief of police. He was a tall ebony skinned man with a heavy walrus mustache. Colton standing toe to toe and eye to belt buckle with the man.
“So I need a teletype sent out to the state that basically says I haven’t gone bat shit crazy, and to stay away from my police station.” Colton explained.
“Well we can do that. I’m sorry we can’t come with you. It’s out of our jurisdiction, and the school would have my head if they knew I sent my men off campus.” The chief grumbled.
Colton thought about it and then nodded, “That’s okay. The teletype is a big help, but if you can get the National Guard to assist it would make me feel a hell of a lot safer.”
The chief nodded, “I can certainly try. Anything else?”
Colton looked over to B.J. and her dad, “Have two officers guard the zombie head. B.J.’s going to study it. She’ll need access to one of the school labs. Keep people away from the head. It’s dangerous.”
Herbert picked out two of his men and ordered them to guard B.J. and the head. Then he started talking with his dispatcher. Two minutes later he had the National Guard on the speakerphone. Their response was less than helpful, “We need the governor to authorize any deployment.”
Herbert tried to get the governor’s authorization, but instead he got redirected to FEMA. FEMA redirected him to Homeland Security, and Homeland Security redirected him to the CDC. Allen Conner answered in a tone that was far too chipper to be healthy, “CDC, this is Allen Conner. How can I be of service to you today.”
“Oh fuck, just hang up.” Colton groaned.
Herbert eyed the little man, but continued explaining the current situation. Ten minutes later police chief Hocks was screaming at the phone. Finally Bobby reached out and took the phone, “Hi Allen…it’s Coonass again. Did you miss me?”
“Sir, please remember this is a recorded line.” Allen begged.
“Did you pass on my last message to the Secret Service?” Bobby asked.
“Y-y-yes sir.” Allen said nervously.
“Wonderful. Well Allen…it’s been a busy day. So I hope you won’t mind if I cut this call short.”
“Oh thank God…I men no sir. I won’t mind at all sir.”
“Wonderful, have a good night Allen.” Bobby grinned, “And Allen?”
“Yes sir?”
“Please make sure the first lady knows I always wash my balls so they won’t taste sweaty or anything. She’s going to be lonely after I kill her husband, and I want her to know I’m a real gentleman, and considerate of her needs.” Bobby laughed as he hung up.
“Dammit Coonass!” Colton growled. B.J. just stared at her father in shock.
“What? I still say she’s a sexy woman.” Bobby grinned and handed the phone back to Chief Hocks. “Well, it looks like it’s just us.”