“I don’t like this story.” Polly pouted.
Gary looked down at the young teen, “What didn’t you like about it so far?”
“You killed Bella, Jacob, and Edward. Plus you made them ugly, and fat. Twilight’s my favorite book and you just made fun of all the main characters and killed them.” Polly crossed her arms and glared at the much older man as if to say “This discussion is over.”
“Don’t listen to her sir. The rest of us love the story. It sure beats hearing something stupid about how some escaped con is now a ghost in the woods, or something like that.” Jimmy’s word was practically teen law. Most of the other teens nodded in agreement with their leader.
Even Polly looked embarrassed that she’d ever said anything. “I liked the rest of the story. I just didn’t really like the part about Jacob, Bella, and Edward. Mister…Uncle Gary, Why did you have to pick on them like that?”
“Well you see. I’m sure Twilight is an amazing book. I’m sure it’s got a great story. In fact it’s probably one of the best stories ever written…for a teenage girl, but I’m not a teenage girl. I’m a white male in my mid-fifties. Frankly Twilight wasn’t written for guys like me.” Gary said with a playful smile.
“But men like Twilight. Even men your age, and some older.” Polly wasn’t willing to give up her position, and that position was that Twilight was the greatest event in her life. That the books had changed her outlook on romance and love. Polly’s life was split into two eras, before Twilight and after Twilight.
Gary nodded, “You’re absolutely right. Men my age love Twilight. Some men even older than me like Twilight too, but we typically call them homosexuals. I’m not one of those either. Women are one of my favorite subjects.” Then Gary gave Ashley, the camp counselor, a squeeze. Ashley and Gary looked into one another’s eyes, “I really enjoy burying myself in the subject.”
Ashley blushed and grinned. Most of the other kids smirked. They could tell she really liked the man. Polly interrupted, “Not all the grown men that like Twilight are gay!” Polly was offended, and ready to storm off. Of course the problem was it was dark and she wasn’t brave enough to wander out on her own.
“Of course they all aren’t gay. There’s those metrosexuals.” Gary shrugged.
“No! There are normal guys that like Twilight.” Polly yelled.
Gary sighed, “Fine…I’m sure there are normal guys that enjoyed Twilight…I just never met any.”
“My daddy likes it. He watches the movies with me.” Polly snapped.
Gary shook his head, “No, your daddy likes you. He watches the movies to get to spend time with you.”
“That’s not true!” Polly looked ready to cry.
Most of the other campers were staring at the young girl in frustration. They wanted to get back to the story, but the young girl refused to let it go. She absolutely had to defend the greatness that was Twilight. It might cost her Jimmy as a boyfriend, and it might cost her the hard won popularity she’d worked for. She knew standing up for her beliefs might be hard, but sacrifices sometimes had to be made for the greater good of Team Edward.
“I is living in a yeller submarine…a yeller submarine…a yeller submarine! I is living in a yeller submarine…cause I pee on every’ting!” It was John’s voice. He was making his way back through the woods.
“Boy?” Gary yelled out to the darkness.
“I’m coming Daddy!” Big heavy feet ran through the woods. The man was so loud and noisy that everyone could follow his movement as he ran towards them. There was a heavy thump, “Ouchy!”
“Boy? You okay?” Gary asked with genuine concern.
“I fall down, but okay!” John scrambled loudly the rest of the way into the campfire. He sat down on the other side of Ashley, “You’re pretty.”
“Well thank you John.” Ashley smiled.
“Down boy…I called dibs.” Gary gave a protective squeeze.
John shrugged and then flopped onto his stomach. His eyes locked onto the fire, and he suddenly became very still.
“Where’s the others?” Ashley asked. The fires had a hypnotic effect on John. He just stared into the fire and grinned. “John?” Ashley tried to get the mentally handicapped man’s attention, but he was fixated by the fire. He stared at it longingly.
“Boy! The woman asked you a question.” Gary nudged his son with his foot.
John snapped out of it. He rolled onto his back and grinned innocently, “They stay back at camp.”
“They stayed back there? Why?” Ashley asked.
“DOUCHEBAG!!!!!” John barked as if that explained everything.
Ashley looked to Gary in confusion. Gary shrugged, “I think he means your coworker decided to keep the others there.”
“Yep-yep!” John said before turning back onto his stomach and staring at the fire.
“Well there you go…I guess Marvin got jealous that you were all having so much fun and decided to keep a few of you. So…is everyone ready for the rest of the story?” Gary asked.
“Yeah!” Most of the teens screamed in unison.
The only exception was Polly, “No more Twilight jokes.”
The other teens groaned, but Gary smiled and nodded, “I promise to leave the Twilight out of it the rest of the way.”
“You’d better!” Polly snapped.
“You know…someday you’re going to make someone a very…interesting wife.” Gary chuckled.
Polly was about to respond, but Todd interrupted, “Hey do the rest of you smell smoke?”
“Probably just the campfire.” Gary shrugged dismissively.
“No, the wind is blowing in from behind us. You and Ashley are smelling the smoke, but the rest of us shouldn’t be.” Todd said nervously.
The other kids started looking nervous, but then John pushed up on his knees and said, “Oh yeah. I’s forget. DOUCHEBAG!!!! He say that there is forest fire.”
“Fire!” The kids screamed.
“Yes, but not nearby. Fire way off, but he said we might smell the smoke.” John answered.
The kids calmed down, and Gary smiled, “Well that was a little distressing, but it’s good to know that we don’t have anything to worry about. So how about you young boys and girls…excuse me, you young men and women get in your sleeping bags, and I’ll finish the story.” Polly started to say something, but Gary grinned, “I promise I’ll keep any smartass comments about Twilight to myself.”
Polly relaxed and nodded. Then she slipped into the sleeping bag. The other teens relaxed as well. They curled into their sleeping bags, and waited for Gary to begin his story again. John bounced his feet and began walking through the teenagers. He bent over and inserted a spike. “What’s he doing?” Ashley asked.
“He’s putting those spikes in so he can make sure nothing tries to crawl in with your kids. It keeps the snakes out.” Gary said while running his hand up and down the woman’s back.
“He just carries tent spikes around?” Todd asked as he watched the fat man stick the metal spike through an eyelet at the top corner of his sleeping bag.
“My boy takes his camping very seriously. It’s why we do it so much. He doesn’t really care about much else, but for some reason he just loves to camp. So every chance I get we go out. He might not be able to be allowed to roam around, but my boy can pitch a tent with the best of them.” Gary chuckled.
John finished spiking the last sleeping bag, and then wandered back to the campfire. She flopped down beside Ashley again and stared dreamily into the fire. It was clear there was nothing else in the world for the man except that roaring campfire.
“So where was I?” Gary asked.
“You killed Twilight.” Polly grumbled, “Remember…you promised.”
“Oh yeah. So anyway Bobby stayed up most of the night listening to Colton and Sarah going at it like to horny…well…teenagers.” Gary laughed. “So come sunrise Wayne Tripp…the guy who watched his wife eat their daughter…loaded his wife and daughter’s body into the trunk of his car. Then he showered, and called the daycare to make sure they’d be able to take his son David. That’s the little boy his wife Pauline called Dootsie. The guy’s brain just sort of snapped. I can’t say I blame him. Anyway his plan was-“
“Wait!” John stood up bent over in front of the campfire and laughed, “Watch!” He farted into the campfire, and a fireball shot up when his gas hit the fire. The boys all began laughing, and the girls cringed and looked disgusted.
“Well…that was…something.” Ashley said nervously as she tried to avoid sounding too disapproving. She didn’t want to upset the man holding her. It felt so good that she just wanted to stay right there with the man.
Gary wasn’t so approving, “Boy…I told you we don’t do stuff like that in front of people. Now get your ass back over there and lay down. You aren’t too big for me to tan your ass!”
“John flopped down on the ground beside Ashley again, “Yes Daddy.” He looked genuinely apologetic.
“That’s better.” Gary said, and then he continued the story. Meanwhile, John just watched the fire as a slow grin began growing on his face.
“Come on Dootsie…Daddy’s gotta get you to Daycare.” Wayne sniffled. It’d taken most of the night, but the man had cleaned up the house and loaded his wife and daughter’s bodies into the trunk of his Toyota. He was sure that Pauline wouldn’t have wanted the police to find the house a mess. Getting the refrigerator back upright and then cleaning the blood off had been the hardest thing. He still wished he could do something about the dents. The George Foreman grill was a complete loss. In the end he just decided to load the grill into the car with Pauline and Hannah.
Wayne called the daycare just after he had everything cleaned up. It was a simple plan. He’d drop his son off with them, and then on the way home he’d unbuckle his seatbelt and drive into one of the cement pillars holding up one of the bridges. Then he could be with his wife and daughter again. The daycare would take care of Dootsie until child services took the boy later. He thought about taking his son with them, but he loved the boy and wanted him to have the best life he could. If there’d been any way that he could have raised the child then Wayne would have halted his plans right then, but he already could see the writing on the wall. Nobody would believe Pauline just attacked him out of the blue. Considering how badly he beat her when he killed her, he’d be lucky if they didn’t blame him for Hannah’s death as well.
It seemed to Wayne that the police would take one look at Pauline and Hannah, and then he’d be on a fast track to Death Row. Who was going to believe him? Most everyone that knew him wondered why Pauline had stayed with him this long. They’d probably think she tried to leave him, and that’s when Wayne snapped. No matter how Wayne tried to look at it…he was going to spend the rest of his life in jail. Not that it would have mattered because as far as he was concerned, his life ended when Pauline’s did.
She’d been the best thing that ever happened to him…even if it was an accident. He’d been dumped by his girlfriend, and went out to a strip club with his buddies because they were sick of watching him mope around. That’s where he met the mother of his children. Pauline wasn’t one of the dancers, although she was the prettiest woman in the place. Pauline was a bartender at the club. She kept pouring him drinks, and he kept telling her stories about how he really missed his ex-girlfriend. Somewhere between being fairly drunk and completely shit-faced a guy at the club grabbed Pauline’s shirt and tried to pull it up to see her breasts. Wayne punched him in the face, and the man promptly proceeded in kicking the shit out of him.
Wayne’s friends tried to pull the man off of him, and then the bouncers at the club went after Wayne’s friends. The whole club started fighting. Strippers were diving off their stages onto customers. One man was actually stabbed in the ass with a nine-inch heel. Meanwhile Wayne was still having the crap beat out of him by a man twice his size. Of course he was so drunk he was seeing double, and unfortunately he kept trying to punch the wrong version of the man. He’d aim for the chin, punch, and hit the chin. Unfortunately the chin he was hitting was about eighteen inches to the left of the real chin of the man that was beating him. If he’d been a little more sober he might have started punching the other version of the man, but instead he just tried to punch harder and faster.
The larger man would have probably beaten him to death if Pauline hadn’t taken the tip jar and broken it over his head. It stopped the big man from beating Wayne, and instead he stood up and started slapping Pauline around. Wayne eventually stood up and grabbed the cash register and threw it at the man’s back. His aim was off, and it hit a table beside the man. Fortunately, the table wasn’t made very well. The tabletop broke at tipped over. It smacked the man as he was about to slap Pauline once more. It didn’t do much to stop him, but it was enough to get him to turn around and go after Wayne one more time.
That’s when a little midget sheriff stomped his way into the bar with two deputies. The two deputies tried to break it up, but they got overran by some of the strippers. The big man came right at Wayne, and the fat redheaded midget sheriff stepped in the way, “Now Ray…you need to get your people under control.”
“Get out of my way you little bastard.” The big man roared. “I’ve taken shits bigger than you.”
Wayne watched the little sheriff, well to be honest he was so drunk he watched the little sheriffs, shift his weight a bit and ready for a fight. “Don’t make me whoop your ass Ray.”
“Oh yeah, like a midget could kick my ass!” Ray bellowed.
Ray lifted up a foot and tried to kick the sheriff in the face. The sheriff ducked under the man’s foot and screamed his best kung fu movie scream as he punched the man right in the nuts. Ray fell down immediately, but the little sheriff wasn’t done. He kicked the man’s legs apart, and proceeded to kick the man repeatedly in the groin while screaming, “DON’T…YOU…EVER…CALL…ME…A…FUCKING…MIDGET…EVER…AGAIN!” He punctuated each word with a kick. Then he actually walked over the man like he was part of the floor. When he got up to the man’s chest, he jumped into the air, and landed butt first on the man’s chest. It knocked all the wind out of the man. Then the sheriff leaned over and said, “We’re called little people. Now say it with me…little people.”
When Ray wouldn’t say it, the sheriff grabbed him by the nose and started twisting. The man screamed, “Ouch! Little people alright!” The sheriff kept twisting and the man screamed even louder, “LITTLE PEOPLE! LITTLE PEOPLE! OH FUCK I’M SO SORRY. LITTLE PEOPLE ALRIGHT!”
“That’s better. Now how about we all sit down and you can all explain what’s going on.” The sheriff said. Of course the rest of the bar was still fighting. So the man pulled out his gun and fired two shots into the ceiling. Everyone stopped then. “That’s better. Now everybody find a seat. We’ll begin interviewing you all shortly. Bob…can you please at least try to look like you’re not having the time of your life.”
“Mmmrph MMMMMrphle MMMrpgh!” Deputy Bob Pocky tried to respond from under the eight totally nude women that had him pinned down. He was buried under a mound of large breasts, smooth thighs, and tramp stamps. Some straddled him, some just lay across him. A few were trying to actively smother him with their breasts. Wayne couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of the man.
Two hours later it was decided that everyone would pretty much just go their own way. It’d looked originally like the sheriff was going to arrest Wayne, but then Pauline said what her boss had tried to do, and Wayne was allowed to go free. Ray wasn’t happy about it, and decided to fire Pauline for opening her mouth. He even kept her last paycheck to cover the two holes the sheriff put in the roof.
Wayne was one of the last people to be let go by the sheriff. His friends had been interviewed earlier and when told they could leave…they did. They assumed their buddy was going to jail anyway, and so they drove off to wait for his call in the morning. Wayne stood out in the parking lot hoping he might bum a ride off of someone. Maybe one of the sheriff’s deputies would take him home.
Instead it had been Pauline. She was fired, and pretty upset about it. She saw Wayne with his bruised face, and felt sorry for him. She offered to give him a ride home, and he jumped at the chance. It wasn’t like he had any other options at the time. Of course he was still completely wasted. They drove in circles for forty-five minutes before he finally admitted that he couldn’t remember his address. Under normal circumstances Pauline would have never picked the man up to begin with. She considered taking him to a gas station and letting him call someone, but in the end she decided to let him sleep it off on her couch. Of course that didn’t work out like she planned either. Instead of passing out on her couch, they went to bed and consoled one another.
In the morning Wayne caught a cab, and they honestly never expected to see one another again. Of course that was before Pauline found out she was pregnant. They were married two weeks later at a justice of the peace. He’d made the offer thinking she’d never accept, and then was too afraid to put a stop to it when she said yes. He thought he’d hate marriage. Instead he loved it. Just having someone working with him day in and out was comforting. They were like a team. He just liked having her around. Then their kids came.
Pauline had been a natural mother. Everything just seemed to come easy to her. Meanwhile Wayne panicked. He was afraid to touch the kids for the first two weeks. He kept expecting them to break. Instead of trying to become a better father, Wayne tried to bury his head in videogames and alcohol. It was easier to sit in front of his Xbox and pretend nothing was wrong, than admit that he was scared shitless about actually being a father.
Of course the more Wayne pulled away, the more Pauline stepped up. Near the end she was pulling way more than just her own weight in the family. She was doing almost everything, and Wayne was perfectly okay letting her. It had become a real strain on their marriage. Every day he expected Pauline to tell him it was over, but now that it actually was over he didn’t want to live in this world without her.
Wayne loaded Dootsie in his car seat. Then they drove off. Dootsie hadn’t stopped crying since last night. He tried to sing to his son to get him to calm down, but the baby seemed to be getting more and more agitated with each passing second. Wayne finally did the only thing he knew how to do. He turned up the radio to drown out the babies cries.
They were halfway to the daycare when Wayne heard the sound of something breaking in the backseat. Wayne turned up the radio a little more. He could barely see through his tears. Wayne would have given anything to calm the baby. The screams got even louder. Finally, Wayne couldn’t pretend everything was fine anymore. He turned around, “Dootsie?”
The car seat had been ripped apart. Pieces of plastic were all over the backseat. The next thing Wayne knew, a tiny eighteen pound biting machine leapt onto his face. The car swerved all over the road. Dootsie was biting his nose. He grabbed his son and tried to pry the baby off, but Dootsie refused to let go. His son finally let go when Wayne’s hand got too close to Dootsie’s mouth. The baby bit down on his pointer finger, and started chewing.
Wayne started slamming his son against the steering wheel in an attempt to get him off his hand. Blood ran down his face from the chunk of nose that the baby had bitten off, and now blood was starting to run down his hand as well. Dootsie chewed off Wayne’s finger at the first knuckle, and started suckling at the bloody nub like it was his mother’s breast. Dootsie was happy and quiet for the first time today.
Wayne kept beating the happy undead baby against the steering wheel. Each time Dootsie hit the steering wheel the horn blared. The man was concentrating so much on his son that he didn’t notice they were slowly veering off the road. When he finally looked up to see where he was, the car was had missed the bridge, and was about to bury into a river. The car hit a tree stump and flipped the car. Wayne watched in horror as Dootsie just seemed to float as the car sailed headlong into the river. The Toyota violently hammered into the water and didn’t stop until it had sank up to the windows in the river.
Dootsie was flung forward and crashed through the windshield. Water rushed in, and quickly flooded the car up to just inches from Wayne’s face. The car was perpendicular to the riverbed, and Wayne was facing straight down. “Dooooooooooooooooooootsie!” Wayne sobbed. He was hanging in his seatbelt with water. He wanted to get free and pull his son out of the water to safety, but he couldn’t move. All he could do was cry and watch as blood dripped down from his face into the murky water.
Then two tiny hands reached up out of the water. They grabbed Wayne’s face and pulled it down. Air bubbles sprayed in all directions as the man screamed in pain. When he finally pulled his face out of the water, one of his eyes was pulled out of its socket. Dootsie kept yanking on the optic nerve as the baby tried to pull his father back under.
“Dootsie…no!” Wayne begged. The baby pulled hard one more time, and his father’s face sank back under the water again. Water sloshed and sprayed crimson in all directions. When Wayne pulled his head back out of the water, Dootsie was chewing on the optic nerve, and dangling by his mouth like a hooked catfish.
Dootsie grabbed his father’s head and started gnawing. Wayne screamed while his son slowly chewed through the front of his skull. Wayne twisted and turned, and tried to get out of his seatbelt, but he was trapped. His hands kept trying to slap his son away, but the more he bled, the more aggressive the baby acted. Eventually Wayne’s skull broke like a hardboiled egg, and Dootsie gave a happy giggle as he finally reached his father’s delicious brain.
Jessup groaned as the sunshine glared in his eyes. “Shit, what happened last night?”
“You killed my parents and ate them. Can we have waffles?” Lula Mae said matter-of-factly.
“What? What kind of crazy bullshit…where’s Bubba?”
Lula Mae shrugged and leaned back into the pile of half-eaten teenagers, “You showed up by yourself.”
Jessup tried to sit up, but there was something laying on his arm. When he looked over he saw what looked like a leathery looking armored white football with ears and a tail. Then the ball’s head moved, and a triangular face peered back at him with two tiny pink eyes. “Hello Asshole!”
“What the fuck!” Jessup jerked away, and the tiny armadillo went rolling.
“You dick!”
“Oh shit…I must be having a bad trip.” Jessup groaned.
“What’s wrong?” Lula Mae asked.
“I thought I heard that…thing over there talk. Well not talk exactly. It was like I heard him, but I didn’t hear him. Do you know what I mean?” Jessup couldn’t even believe the words coming out from his mouth.
“Silly…he’s just an armadillo. Armadillo’s can’t talk. Maybe you’re just confusing him with Master?” Lula Mae smiled.
“You don’t hear him?” Jessup said pointing at the little armadillo.
“Digger? No silly. He’s just an a sweet little armadillo. The sweetest armadillo ever, but he can’t talk.”
“And you can’t remember to feed me every day either…Stupid Blonde Asshole, and why is it always crackers? Couldn’t you at least bring me a lizard or maybe a grasshopper once?” Jessup glared at the little albino armadillo until Digger turned back to look at him. “What do you want Asshole?”
“You seriously didn’t hear that?” Jessup asked.
“Hear what? I just hear Master calling.” Lula Mae said.
“Master?” Jessup questioned. Her words finally settling in. ”What do you mean master?”
Lula Mae shrugged, “He’s coming for me. He wants us to be together, he’s even willing to take you, but he says you’re defective.” She stood up and stretched. Dried blood caked all over her body. Jessup looked away uncomfortably from the nine year old girl, she was completely nude except for a few scraps of clothing. Her hair was a tangle of knots, leaves, and dried clumps of blood. She walked past the bodies and toward the house, “Well I’m gonna go get a shower. I wanna look my Sunday best for when he gets here.”
He watched her climb the steps and disappear into the strange house. “How did I even get here? I remember going after that nine-fingered freak. Bubba was there, we chased that dude, and then…boom! I don’t remember anything else until now.”
“You sound so confused. Would you like a sympathetic ear? Here…let me put on my best sympathy face.” Digger’s expression didn’t change beyond tilting his triangular head to the side and flicking his ears back and forth. “Oh you poor baby…does the little whiny bitch-boy want a tissue?” Digger tilted his head back and flattened his ears out. “Yeah, that’s right asshole…you ain’t gonna find no sympathy here, but I might give you a quick colonoscopy if you don’t stop giving me the eye!” Jessup jerked. Somehow, he wasn’t sure exactly how, he could hear the little armadillo waddling around beside him. “I was sitting in that rat hole of a chicken coop minding my own business when you’re stupid ass broke in and bit me…ASSHOLE! You were furrier, and bigger, but you still smell the same. I won’t forget that stench for the rest of my life. It’s equal parts beef jerky and failure.”
“How can you even be talking? Your brain is the size of my pinky.” Jessup said and then covered his mouth in embarrassment. He didn’t want to admit that he could hear the little angry white creature.
“That makes my brain bigger than the dick you think with ASSHOLE! Oh I’m sorry…alleged dick. There is no actual proof that you have one.”
Jessup forgot himself and hopped up, “Alleged my ass! Look at this big ol’ mamba snake dangling down here!”
Digger rolled onto his back and started twisting and turning as if to scratch an itch. “Damn short stubby little legs. What I need are one of those arm things you assholes have. Oh I’m sorry Asshole…were you saying something?”
“I was saying I have a big dick, and stop calling me asshole. My name is Jessup.” Jessup growled.
“Oh…well Jessup the asshole…I apologize profusely. I’m Digger the non-asshole.”
“Can you stop calling me asshole?”
“Why not just ask birds to stop flying, or fish to stop swimming. Now would you kindly scratch my back with those finger things you people seem so happy to stick up your noses?” Jessup reached down and started scratching the little armadillo.
“Now are we friends?” Jessup asked.
“Fuck no! You still bit me you stupid sunnovabitch, or did you think that somehow I’d forget that? I owe you one, and I’m just biding my time until you least expect it.” Digger said as wandered off.
Jessup started to try to talk the little armadillo into a truce when he felt his stomach cramping. It was if the muscles were an overwound rubber band ready to snap. He doubled-over in pain, and made his way into the house. In his desperation he forgot all about Lula Mae. He swung the door open to the bathroom, and Lula Mae screamed in terror, “Stranger danger! Stranger danger!” Jessup looked around the bathroom. He saw an old sink, a medicine cabinet that hadn’t been cleaned in months, an old claw foot bathtub with a scared and angry nine year old girl still screaming at him, but no toilet in sight.
Jessup slammed the door and scrambled back out of the house. With no toilet inside the house, Jessup searched fretfully for the nearest outhouse. He saw it. Like an oasis in the desert, the outhouse called to him from the tree line. Jessup clenched everything from his waist down; he half-crawled and half-stumbled towards the outhouse with a single-minded goal. When he got there swung open the door and gasped. The walls were covered in blood, scraps of skin, bone chips, and dried semen, but that wasn’t all. Feces was splattered everywhere like a Rorshach test, or some disturbing modern art piece dreamt up by a mentally disturbed thirteen year old with anger issues and too much time on his hands. Both holes were so filthy that he couldn’t even bring himself to sit on one. He considered trying to hover, but there wasn’t any place to grab onto that wasn’t covered in something he’d have to spend the next few nights having nightmares about.
Jessup groaned as the cramps churned and coiled in a stomach. He knew he wouldn’t last long, and he made a mad dash into the tree line. He knelt with his back against an old dead tree. He was thankful that for whatever reason he’d woken up without pants. He didn’t even want to think about why he was lying naked next to a nude nine year old girl at a strange house he’d never seen before or why there were all these dead half-eaten teenagers strewn around the yard. All he wanted to do was go find Bubba, and go home. “Damn tacos!” Jessup groaned as something akin to the lovechild of battery acid and Play-Doh erupted from his anus violently.
“Revenge!” Digger screamed inside the man’s head. Jessup’s eyes snapped open and he screamed as the tiny armadillo charged at him laughing maniacally. Jessup raised his hands to defend himself, and would have tried to run, but he couldn’t get away. There was angry, violent feces still bursting from his sphincter like vomit from some evil hellbeast. It made it so that he couldn’t stand up. Jessup slapped at the air trying to scare the four-legged maniac away. “Banzai!” The armadillo shrieked as he leaped into Jessup’s lap, knocking the man’s back off the tree. With nothing to hold him up, Jessup fell flat on his back. A mudslide sprayed out of him, and splattered the inside of his pasty white thighs.
“Dammit! What the hell was that for?” Jessup groaned.
Digger walked up Jessup’s body until his tiny pointed nose was poking the man just under his chin. “I warned you…when you’d least expect it. BAM! Revenge.” Digger then turned around and moved back down the man’s body. The little albino armadillo made sure to dig his long claws into the man’s torso with each and every step.
“This isn’t happening. Animals can’t talk.” Jessup covered both eyes with his hands.
Digger turned around and waddled back up the man’s stomach and chest. He did his best to put even more claw marks all over the man’s chest. Jessup winced as the angry little armadillo buried a claw into one of Jessup’s nipples. “Oh it’s happening Asshole…deal with it.” Digger said before turning around and wagging his leathery tail right in Jessup’s face. It slapped him across one cheek and then the other. Then he just started hitting Jessup across the nose with it.
“Stop that!” Jessup tried to slap the tiny football of hate off of him, but the armadillo dug his claws in to put a stop to it. “Fine! You win. Now get off of me.”
The armadillo churned his legs down the man’s body. After all the trips up and down the man’s body, Jessup had a path worn up and down that looked like raw hamburger. Digger stopped at Jessup’s hips and took a deep breath. The scent of Jessup’s bowels wafted up into the armadillo’s nostrils. He sighed, “Oh yeah baby…that’s the sweet smell of victory.” If an armadillo could smile, Digger would be grinning from ear to ear. Instead he just let his ears dance up and down on his head in celebration.
The armadillo hopped off, and began digging for grubs and beetles as he waited patiently for the man to pull himself together. Jessup sat up and looked at the carnage. Dark green blood oozed slowly down his chest like melted ice cream. His legs were sprayed with bloody green feces. “What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Don’t know…and don’t care. All you assholes look alike to me.”
“How am I supposed to get cleaned up?”
“Not my problem asshole.”
“I told you…my name is Jessup.”
“Fine…Jessup.” Jessup heard Digger’s mental sigh.
“Was that so hard? Now if we could jus-” Jessup asked.
“The Asshole!” Digger interrupted.
Jessup was just about to kick the armadillo in frustration when something caught his eye. It was a glass eye, and Jessup knew that eye. Jessup stared into that eye every day. It was Bubba’s fake eyeball. Bubba lost his eye in elementary school after a freak dodgeball accident. He would know that eye anywhere. Bubba like to play jokes with it. He’d drop it in your water, leave it next to the toothpaste, once he even tried to switch it out with a ping-pong ball. “How did he get me to swallow his eyeball?”
Then he saw something else. There was other jewelry, buttons, and even a zipper throughout the fecal matter. One particular piece caught his eye. It was gold, and had a design on it. “What the fuck?” Jessup grabbed a nearby stick and used it to lift the gold ring out of the shit. As it was pulled out of the crap, part of a half-digested finger bone dangled precariously from the ring. It was Bubba’s class ring. The cartoon alligator was supposed to look playful and friendly, but right now he just looked like he was taunting Jessup. Reality sank in, and Jessup started screaming. At first he couldn’t even form words, but eventually he started repeating over and over, “I ate my brother! I ate my brother!”
Digger watched a mild interest as the man slowly descended into insanity. “Stop whining! So what if you ate your brother. I ate three of my brothers, and you don’t hear me being a little bitch about it! Afterall…there’s only so much tit to go around.”
Jessup stood up and screamed as he let go of whatever sanity he had left. “Come here you little bastard! You just wait until I get a hold of you.” He chased the little albino armadillo in circles as they weaved in and out through the trees. Digger’s low center of gravity helped him to cut in and out between the trees so quickly that he was always just one step ahead of Jessup.
“Serpentine motion! Serpentine motion!” Digger kept repeating to himself.
Unfortunately Digger took a wrong turn and ran out of trees. His tiny legs weren’t suited to outrun Jessup. He darted past the outhouse and made a mad dash for the two new people he saw standing out in front of the house. One of them was dark complected with wild, crazy eyes. The other looked a little stupid, and smelled faintly of goat pussy.
“Gotcha!” Jessup screamed as he dove headfirst onto the armadillo. He wrapped his arms around Digger’s tiny body and they slid across the ground painfully until they came to a stop at Danior’s feet. The little albino armadillo started biting him on the arms. Tiny but sharp teeth punctured the skin, and before long his arms were slick with blood.
Danior eyed Jessup in disgust. He didn’t say anything, but it was written all over his face. The door to the house swung open, and a nine year old girl ran out screaming, “Master!” She was wearing a dress four sizes too big for her tiny body, but she found a bunch of belts to tie around her waist, arms , and around her torso so that she could keep the dress from falling off, and then she used some scissors that she found to cut six inches off the bottom of her dress so that she could walk without tripping on it.
Lula Mae tried to hug Danior, and received a stiff palm to the face for her trouble. “I’m sorry Master.” The young girl shuffled back away in embarrassment from the man. She stared at the ground, and was afraid to look directly at Danior. She could already feel that he was in a bad mood, and the last thing she wanted was for him to take it out on her.
Jimbo draped a sweaty arm over her. “Don’t worry little sister, you’re one of us now. Master Danior might seem grumpy, but he’s really-“
He never finished that sentence. Danior backhanded him, and he was sent flying. Jimbo landed hard on his back, and he whimpered as he rolled over gingerly. He didn’t hesitate, and immediately crawled on all fours back to Danior’s leg. Lula Mae took the hint and wrapped herself around Danior’s other leg. The old undead gypsy stroked the girl’s hair absentmindedly like a pet while he stared down at Jessup. A cold, unfeeling smile slithered across his face. He had two new pack members, and possibly a third if the man was willing to know his place. They were hardly anything he’d have considered quality, but they were a start. Right now he needed numbers more than anything. One of his kind could be captured easily, but ten of his kind could protect him from most angry mobs. Twenty could destroy a small town. Danior’s plans were much larger. He didn’t want to terrorize a town. He wanted to watch the world burn. He’d need manpower.
They were linked. Danior could hear their thoughts in his blood. Lula Mae’s were childlike and naïve, but Jimbo’s thoughts perverted and just a little desperate. Jimbo and Lula Mae would have to do anything he wanted because of that same blood bond. It’s how his father kept Danior’s pack in line during World War II. All pack members bent to the will of their master. Unfortunately for Danior his father had been suicidal when Danior was a young teenager. Danior’s mother had died in a fire shortly before the Germans came to take them away. His father didn’t want to live without his wife, and so instead of fighting and escaping he ordered his people’s complete surrender. None of the pack wanted to die, but Danior’s father had a will was so strong that they all marched helplessly to the gas chamber. Even Danior was unable to withstand his father’s iron will, and as much as he wanted to run away he still found himself walking lockstep with his other pack mates.
His father somehow was able to switch places with a Jewish man in the back of the line. It was so that he would be the last in line. Danior was just before him. The other werewolves pled for him to change his mind, but all he would do was grin and say, “Soon we’ll all be together again.” Finally, it was time for father and son to step in the gas chamber together. Danior prayed to God, the Devil, and everything else to save him from his father’s insanity. His legs calmly walked inside the large room. Danior kept straining against his own body to turn around and run off, or to change into a werewolf and rip the guards apart in a desperate attempt at escape.
He couldn’t even get the calm smile off his face. It was there because his father wanted it there. He looked around and saw that all his friends, and their families, also had that same calm smile. Their happy demeanors were beginning to unsettle their executioners. By now most people started to look for a way out, or they tried to beg for their lives, but these gypsies were standing inside the chamber and looked as happy as if they’d just taken a Sunday stroll through a park. Danior realized the truth though. He knew they were all trapped by his father’s will just as he was. His father was the Alpha, and his will was there way. That’s the way it always had been, and always would be…until the day he died.
Danior’s father walked in behind him. The man took a deep breath and smiled, “Soon…we’ll be with your mother soon.” Danior wanted to scream. He was willing to beg, but he just stood there like a mannequin with a stupid smile etched onto his face. Danior couldn’t even cry…his father wouldn’t let him. The door closed behind him, and he waited for the inevitability. He could smell the people that died before him. The combination of fear, desperation, and evacuated bowels from all the previous victims flooded his nose.
There was a hiss. It was faint at first, but it grew stronger. Danior’s body moved and turned against his will until he was facing his father again. Danior looked into the man’s eyes and for the first time ever…he felt hate. The gas sprayed out from the ceiling. It smelled faintly of almonds. Danior’s first instinct was to hold his breath, but his father didn’t allow it. Danior’s lungs filled with the poison, and so did everyone else’s. Even his father inhaled deeply. It didn’t take long for the poison to take effect. The youngest fell first. Then the weak and the elderly collapsed. Then the women fell to the ground, sometimes their bodies crushed the babies they held in their arms trying to protect. Finally, the men fell one by one. Eventually it was only Danior and his father that stood. The bodies piled around them. Some still twitching, but Danior’s father kept willing the dying to breathe as deeply as their failing bodies allowed.
“Son…” His father tried to say something, but he couldn’t form any more words. In his weakened state it was just too hard to talk and exert his will on the pack. The man looked at his son with pride. Danior was young, and strong. He was the last of the man’s pack still standing. Maybe it was the poison working on his brain, maybe it was just conceit, or maybe he was just delusional, but Danior’s father relaxed his hold on his son. “I love you son.”
The man’s heart clenched like a vice as he saw his son’s happy face turn to rage and hate. He knew Danior might not share his outlook, but he assumed Danior would respect his decision. In his arrogance, he hadn’t even bothered to peek into the boy’s thoughts. Now they were written all over his face. He couldn’t bear to have this be the last thing he saw, and so he tried to exert the last of his will on the young man once again. Danior felt his face changing back into a smile, and in desperation he used the all the rage and hatred towards his father as fuel for the change. His father barely had enough strength left to change Danior’s expression, and so he didn’t have nearly enough to stop him from turning. He backed away from his son in terror. He could feel the young man’s thoughts. As his body changed, his thoughts were vague and unfocused. It was like static on the radio. Then as the change finished, his thoughts cleared and turned into a single-minded laser focus…murder.
The guards were still chattering amongst themselves when Danior’s father was thrown through the wooden door. His face was unrecognizable, the back of his skull had been hallowed out, and his body was twisted and broken with a gaping wound in the chest where the heart should have been. The gas poured out of the doorway, and the guards ran to find cover. They never saw Danior walk through the doorway. He was fully transformed, but barely alive. He took a few steps, and then collapsed. Danior crawled until he was away from the gas cloud, and then passed out.
The guards found him passed out on the grass an hour later. They were going to shoot him in the head and then take him to the crematorium, but then they received orders to save any surviving member of Danior’s family for inspection by a Dr. Aribert Heim. Danior woke up in a steel cage surrounded by armed guards. The days grew into weeks. The weeks became years. Then the Americans came. Danior thought he might be freed from his daily hell. Instead Doctor Heim convinced them that Danior could have useful military applications. He was transported from his own private hell in Germany to a whole new hell in America.
Now he was the new pack leader. Jimbo and Lula Mae were already completely under his thumb. That left Jessup. Danior had heard about men like Jessup from his father. They were rogues that couldn’t hear the commands from their Alpha. The blood ties somehow skipped them. The packs always called them defectives when he was a child. Most of the time the pack Alpha had them killed as children so they couldn’t grow up and become a threat to the Alpha’s leadership.
Danior considered killing Jessup before the man would have time to figure out how to change on his own. Right now he was still newborn, but in a few days he’d be able to change at will. Then he could become dangerous. He might even challenge for Alpha. Danior snarled. “Kneel, and swear your allegiance.”
Digger stopped biting Jessup and said, “Kneel? You’re not the boss of me!” Jessup rose to his feet. He was still holding the tiny armadillo. “Let me at this asshole! I’ll have his balls for a necklace.” Digger started ranting about how nobody tells him what to do. The thought that the little albino might somehow be any kind of threat at all to the Alpha was so pathetically silly that Jessup couldn’t help but laugh. Unfortunately Jessup was the only one that could hear Digger’s rants. So they all assumed he was laughing at the Alpha. Laughing at the Alpha was the absolute worst thing he could do if he wanted to survive.
Danior sighed and flung Jessup into a tree. The tree had one branch broken. All that was left was a sharp point, and four foot of remaining tree branch. Jessup hit the sharp pointed branch and it went through his heart and burst out through the front of his chest. The man slid all the way to the trunk of the tree, and then slumped. Green blood ran down from his body. Digger fell from the man’s hands and ran at Danior. Digger screeched and squealed as he picked up speed. Just as he was about to bite the man’s leg, Danior brought his leg back and kicked Digger like he was some type of psychotic soccer ball.
The armadillo went sailing over the tree line. He was still going up when they lost sight of him. Then Danior turned and started walking away. Jimbo followed his Alpha. Lula Mae stared at the naked man impaled on the tree. “I guess we aren’t going to have waffles afterall. Byeeeee!” The young girl skipped happily after Danior and Jimbo.
“Yee-haw!” Bobby screamed as he rode the nuclear bomb out from the plane. He kicked its sides, and rocked back and forth like it was a bucking bronco. The bomb was traveling just a shade over two hundred and miles an hour after falling just ten seconds. Bobby was going to go out in a blaze of glory that would make Slim Pickens’ Dr. Strangelove character, T.J. “King” Kong, proud. Bobby didn’t have a cowboy hat to wave, but he did have an old trucker cap that had a six pack on it, and some crawfish. At the bottom in big block letters it said:
“COONASS FORPLAY”
Bobby waved that cap proudly as he fell another ten seconds. He’d actually started going through the clouds now. Everything was wet, and he couldn’t see six inches in front of his face. “Hey Coonass…whatcha doin?” Colton’s voice snapped him out of his happy little suicide drop.
“Colt? What the fuck man! You shouldn’t be here.”
“Where else would I be? Besides…it isn’t like you could do this yourself.”
“I’ve got this Colton.” Bobby growled.
“Please. We both know you can’t hardly do anything without me. Frankly I’m just surprised you can take a piss without asking me to shake your dick for you.”
“I don’t need you. I can do this all on my own.” Bobby snapped.
“Really? You’ve been riding my ass so long you don’t even know where you end and I begin anymore.” Colton’s voice was cold and angry.
“Shut up!” Bobby screamed. He didn’t want to admit it, but the little fat redhead did have a point.
“Hey Coonass? Did you ever wonder what might have happened if I never became sheriff? Maybe you’d have gotten Sarah instead of that psychotic bitch you chained yourself to for all those years. Maybe you’d have the nice house? Maybe you’d get the great sex, and not have people looking at you funny when they see that little half-black daughter that everyone knows isn’t yours.”
“SHUT UP!” Bobby screamed and slammed his fist down onto the bomb, but instead of hitting metal, he struck flesh and bone.
“Ow…so that’s how it is. I let you ride along with me all these years, and the first chance you get you beat my brains in.” Colton groaned.
“W-w-w-what? N-n-no! I didn’t…I mean I never meant to…I mean…”
They finally made it through the clouds. Bobby looked down and saw Colton dead. The pudgy redhead’s skull was busted open like a cracked egg, and brains were continually pouring out. “You killed me Bobby.” Colton’s corpse groaned.
“I didn’t…I mean I didn’t mean to.” Bobby was crying. “I’m sorry Colt. You know I’d never do that on purpose.”
“It’s okay. Just promise me you’ll take care of Sarah.”
Bobby’s head bobbed up and down, “Yeah…sure, but don’t leave me Colt…COLT!!!!”
Bobby watched in horror as Colton morphed back into a strangely penis shaped nuclear bomb. It even had two balls attached so that Bobby could use them as footrests. The giant head began to point down, and that’s when he saw Sarah. There was no ground to be seen, only the giant naked body of Sarah Mudd. Her legs were spread in anticipation for when Bobby arrived with his giant nuclear penis-bomb. “Oh Bobby…you don’t know how I’ve wanted this.” She traced the inside of her thighs with her hands, and then Bobby watched with mounting excitement as she ran those fingers up her beautiful body. She lingered on her breasts. Her fingers teasing and tweaking both nipples until they stood out from her giant mountainous breasts like two silos.
“No…I can’t. Colton-“
“Colton said to take care of me…now get down here and give me what you know I need.” Sarah cooed as she lifted her hips up to the man. He was rock hard, and he wanted this, but as he got closer the pressure kept building.
“Hey Buddy…you can always say no. A real friend would just go down there and be a shoulder for her to lean on through these hard times. A real friend wouldn’t bang his best friend’s wife…even if his best friend was dead.” A tiny little fat redheaded angel version of Colton popped up on Coltons’s right shoulder.
“Fuck that! What you need right now is to get angry and bang her until she can’t even remember my name. Come on Coonass! Get mad and unleash that hot load all over her! Just think of your ex-wife Sue and all those assholes she humped in your bed. You remember how she hated Sarah. So get down there and give my wife some viciously angry sex from a man that hasn’t gotten a decent lay in years. Don’t stop until she’s in an orgasmic coma! The best kind of friend is a friend that would help her forget all about me.” An evil red devil version of Colton popped up on Bobby’s left shoulder.
The angel and devil Colton’s screamed and argued. The fall was taking forever, and Bobby just sat there and watched as the two Colton’s jumped down onto the penis-bomb and started fighting.
“He should respect our marriage.” Angel-Colton screamed as he threw a right-cross.
“He should eat that pussy like it’s the antidote!” Devil-Colton yelled as he kicked his angelic doppelganger in the groin.
“He should be a shoulder to lean on.” Angel-Colton said as he poked his devilish twin in the eyes Three Stooges style.
“He should let her bounce on his dick like a pogo stick.” Devil-Colton retorted as he head-butted his copycat right on the bridge of the nose.
“Who cares about Sarah…let’s have a tea party!” A tiny Colton appeared on top of Bobby’s head wearing a tutu, cowboy boots with spurs, a pirate eye patch, and giant rainbow colored afro bought from some party supply place. He even had a tiny pet monkey on his shoulder wearing the same thing. Bobby, the angel version of Colton and the devil version of Colton all stopped and looked up at this third version of Colton.
“What the fuck are you wearing?” The Colton’s of heaven and hell both asked simultaneously.
“Oh come on…it’s his dream. When am I going to ever get to wear any of this cool stuff? Look! I can make my afro dance.” The third Colton said as he bobbed and shook his head. The rainbow afro started swaying and bouncing. “Doesn’t that look cool?” The third Colton’s dancing afro just seemed to let the steam out of the devil and angel Colton’s argument. Instead of fighting they just stood there looking embarrassed to be seen with the third Colton.
“Oh yeah! Give it to me Coonass!” Sarah moaned like a cat in heat below them. The three Coltons bent over to look down at the sexy blonde.
“Damn she’s fine.” Devil-Colton said.
“Race you down there.” Angel-Colton said after a long, slow wolf-whistle.
“I’ll call it.” The third Colton said. “One…Two…” Then the third Colton ran down the end of the penis shaped bomb and dove off like it was a diving board.
Both of the remaining Coltons stared in confusion at the exact spot where their triplet jumped off and asked, “What now?” That’s when they both received text messages on their tiny cell phones with the number three on it. It took them a moment to realize what it meant, but then they both screamed, and then they both leapt off the edge as they tried to beat one another to their wife.
Bobby watched the three falling spread-eagle like Wil E. Coyote. They each landed with a heavy thump in her neatly trimmed pubic hair. Little Colton shaped dust clouds rose up from their impact points. Tiny, flattened, Colton’s rose up. They put their thumbs into their mouths and blew. Arms, legs inflated back to normal first, then their torsos, and finally their heads.
Of course that was where the similarities to Saturday morning cartoons ended. Suddenly tiny little zombies crawled out from behind Sarah’s pubic hair. They swarmed the three Coltons like ants and tore them apart. Within seconds they’d eaten everything…even the bones.
“Holy shit! And I thought Sally Mae’s crabs were bad.” Colton screamed. He was getting closer, and as he got closer Sarah’s pubic zombies gathered just above her clitoris in anticipation for the man’s landing. They were in such a frenzy that they began eating one another. As they cannibalized one another, they grew in size and stature. Millions of tiny little zombies, became thousands of man-sized flesh-hungry predators.
Bobby was coming in hard and fast. He leaned over and hugged the giant penis bomb to keep from sliding off when he made impact. The zombies stood waiting to tear him apart once he landed. Bobby was just about to crash his giant penis shaped bomb into the newly widowed Sarah Mudd’s wet entrance when it exploded prematurely.
The blast melted his clothes to his body, and burnt off all his hair, but other than being incredibly sore and smelling like cheap barbeque…he was essentially fine. Of course he still had about two hundred more feet to fall. His body slammed against giant Sarah’s labia majora. He’d not only went off too early, he’d missed his mark completely.
By the time he got back to his feet the zombies had already made their way down to the man. They started grabbing at him, and laughing. Bobby tried to fight them off, but there were too many, and they were too strong. They ripped his legs off first, and then his arms. Then one of the zombies found a knife and started serving him like cake to the others. Before long all that was left was his head, and his penis. “Somebody…help me.” Bobby begged weakly.
Colton reappeared in front of him as a half-eaten zombie. Both eyes were already rotted out of his head, and half his face was peeled away showing his jawbone and teeth. “You know…this never happened to me when I tried to have sex with Sarah.” The zombified Colton laughed. “Maybe you should have thought about baseball? You might not have gone off so soon.” He tried to grin, but he could only manage a smirk considering he was missing all the flesh off one side.
A zombified Sarah then appeared beside him. The zombie host gave her a plate with his penis on it. Her skin was mottled, and rotted through in places. Rib bones were exposed, and Bobby could see through the exposed ribs into her chest. Beetles crawled in and out of her mouth as she smiled at Bobby like he was an adorable little puppy. Maggots eating at her heart, but even with everything wrong with her…Bobby still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. He just didn’t want to kiss her quite so badly anymore.
The host zombie handed the zombified Colton Bobby’s head. Colton started using his knife to cut through the skull to get to the chewy brain. Meanwhile Sarah daintily cut off the tip of his penis and brought it to her mouth. She was just about to eat it when grinned and said, “Bobby…you know it would never have worked out between us. We’re just too different. You’re a dumb Cajun with that digs septic tanks for a living. You’re a man that makes his living off of other people’s shit. You couldn’t have handled me anyway. Afterall…I’m a real maneater.” Sarah popped the chunk of his penis into her mouth and swallowed.
“OH SHIT!” Bobby screamed and popped up. The his tiny, round, red, donut shaped pillow was stuck to his face.
“Bobby? You okay in there?” It was Sarah’s voice. She was calling from the kitchen.
“Yeah…just a nightmare.” Bobby groaned as he tried to peel the little donut shaped pillow off. Unfortunately the wound on his ear bled most of the night, and the dried blood practically glued it to his face. Bobby tugged it a few more times, and then gave up.
It was still attached when he walked into the kitchen. Sarah took one look and gasped. Then she covered her mouth to keep herself from snickering. Every time she tried to say something she had to stop and cover her mouth to keep from laughing. Eventually she found some measure of control over herself “Bobby…why do you have that on your face?”
“I needed a pillow, so I borrowed one of Colton’s inflatable pool toys. The blood from my ear has it stuck on pretty damn good.”
Sarah sucked in both lips, and then bit down on them both while they were inside her mouth. It was a desperate attempt to avoid laughing. It took another minute before she was calm enough to even attempt an explanation, and even then her eyes were bugging out of her head from trying to keep the laughter inside. “Bobby. Do we have a pool?”
“No.” He replied.
“Have we ever had a pool?” She asked. Tears were running down her face from the strain of holding it all inside.
“No…now why do I get the feeling I’m about to feel really stupid.” Bobby asked nervously.
“Because you just slept on the pillow the doctor gave Colton for his hemorrhoids a while back.” Sarah spoke as seriously as possible. She didn’t want Bobby to think she was making a joke, or making fun of him. Unfortunately her body was less than cooperative. Her body jerked as if to laugh, but she reigned it back in. Then, as if the pressure of holding it in was just too much for her, a little spray of air squirted out of her mouth. She slapped both hands over her mouth to keep it from happening again.
She might have kept from cracking up, but the sudden knowledge that Bobby’s face was now attached to something that Colton’s butt had been on sent the man into a panic. He grabbed and pulled at the hemorrhoid pillow as if his life depended on it. He was so determined to get it off that he fell onto the ground and began spinning and twisting around on the floor to pry it off.
*SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*
The hemorrhoid donut tore off like extra-sticky duct tape. “Ow! Holy hell that hurt.” Bobby screamed.
Sarah was still watching the man. She was trying desperately not to laugh, and then she snorted. She didn’t mean to. She’d tried not to, but it came out all the same, and when it did…so did everything else she was trying to keep in. She chuckled, giggled, snickered, laughed, snorted, and even roared with laughter. When it was over she was gasping, “Oh God…my ribs hurt, and if I laugh anymore I might pee myself.”
“Well…that’s what I’m here for I guess.” Bobby gave a crooked grin. Her laughter hurt his pride a little, but the fact he knew she tried so hard to keep from doing it soothed his wounded ego enough.
“Colton is checking out a few places this morning. He said he’d be back around noon. Do you want anything?” Sarah asked.
“NOTHING AT ALL!” Bobby yelped. Sarah eyed him suspiciously. It was an innocent question, but after his nightmare he was a little hyper sensitive to anything even slightly hinting at something possibly sexual.
“Are you sure? I could make some pancakes.” She asked sweetly.
Finally Bobby’s brain returned to its full and upright position. “Umm…yeah. Could you please?”
Sarah smiled and started getting the ingredients. It wasn’t long before she had the first light and fluffy pancake on the plate. She poured the batter out for a second. “So…did you sleep okay?”
Bobby froze.
“Bobby?” Sarah turned around and looked at the man. His face was one giant bruise, a bit of his left earlobe was missing, and the wound was already crusty and covered in dried blood. He looked terrible, but that wasn’t all. He was white as a sheet, and looked terrified. “Bobby? Well say something…you’re scaring me.”
“You’re both…very loud.” Bobby’s voice was just barely above a croak.
“We’re loud? What do you mea…? OH!” Sarah gasped as she realized what Bobby was implying. Her face flushed bright red. “Oh God Bobby…I’m so sorry about that. I just…and Colton…and then we…” Sarah fought for words to explain it without giving out way too much information to the man. Finally she threw up her hands and sighed, “Shit. Well I’m not sure whether to apologize for keeping you up, go die of embarrassment, or slap you for being a dirty little pervert and listening in all night instead of telling us to quiet it down.”
“Listening in? Listening in! Sarah…it’s just a good thing your neighbors live as far away as they do, or they’d call in on you two for a loud noise disturbance.” Bobby laughed.
“I think Colton would actually see that as some kind of weird accomplishment.” Sarah chuckled, and gave Bobby a million-dollar smile.
“Yeah, of course there’d be no living with the little Oompa Loompa after that. He’d probably frame the complaint, and put if over your fireplace.”
Sarah laughed, “Yeah…that does sound exactly like something my hubby would do.” Her face lit up when she talked about Colton. It wasn’t hard to see that even after all these years she still was madly in love with the short, fat, redhead.
“Well…I always wondered what you saw in the little leprechaun, and now I know.” Bobby laughed.
“Well…that definitely is a perk, but I loved him before I ever found out about that. He’s a good man Bobby. There aren’t a lot of them left around nowadays.” She smiled softly.
“Yeah…I guess good guys are going the way of the dinosaur. Someday there’ll be a museum dedicated to all the good guys everywhere. Of course women will still walk right past it to go to the biker bar next door.” Bobby smiled, and then he got very serious, “So where’d you learn to shoot like that?”
“Colton taught me.”
Bobby shook his head, “Bullshit. Colt can barely hit the side of a barn. I know he said he taught you to shoot, but that’s kind like one of the gays teaching us straights how to pick up chicks.”
Sarah sighed, “You know how I sometimes have to go research my books right.”
“Yeah.” Bobby answered suspiciously.
“Well when I was writing that one about the circus…I may have spent a few weeks working as the lovely assistant for a trick-shooter.” Sarah said nervously.
“What’s the big deal?”
“Well…the costume was kind of revealing.”
Bobby glared at the woman, “How revealing?”
“Garter belt, fishnets, a corset, a mini-skirt, high heels, and a top hat.” Sarah blushed.
“Yeah…I can see why Colton might get a little bit twisted about his wife dressing like that in public. So you didn’t tell him you already knew how to shoot because he might ask how you learned.”
“Yeah…I was supposed to be one of the clowns, but Cowboy Jack’s assistant got knocked up by the bearded lady, and they needed someone to step in on short notice. Please don’t tell Colton. He gets so excited when he thinks he’s shown me how to do something.”
Bobby eyed the woman. She was smart, beautiful, and devoted to her husband. He would like her even if she wasn’t Colton’s wife. “You’re secret is safe with me.”
“Thanks Bobby…now I have one more request.”
Bobby eyed the blonde, “What is it?”
“Colton said that Achmed was killed last night.”
“Yeah.” Bobby answered slowly.
“Well…you see…is there any way you’d mind…”
“Just spill it.” Bobby snapped.
“Achmed’s been giving my husband low-calorie diet snack cakes and sweets so that my husband won’t grab himself anything really sugary.”
“What?!?!”
Sarah looked around nervously, “Colton loves his sweets, but the doctor told him that he has to cut down his sugar, and his calories. He wants my husband to lose weight. I could spend my time trying to argue and complain to my husband that he should eat healthier, or I could just use his own sneakiness against him. Colton would do damn near anything for a cupcake. It’s just who he is. So I’ve been buying low-calorie knockoffs of Twinkies, Ho Hos, Snowballs, and other stuff from this bakery I found online. I’ve been taking them out of their boxes, and then dropping them off with Achmed so that he can give then to my husband. Of course he thinks they are just stale versions of the real thing. So he thinks he’s still getting his sweets, but the calories have been cut so that he’ll lose weight. That way everyone is happy.”
Bobby started howling with laughter, “So the entire time that he thought he was sneaking around on you with Dolly Madison and Little Debbie, he’s really been eating healthy…well healthier.”
“Yes, but now Achmed is gone. So I need another partner in crime. Bobby…would you help me with my husband by sneaking him low calorie Ding-Dongs to shove into his face.” Sarah asked nervously.
Bobby smiled, “Okay, but I’m only doing this because I think this whole situation is funny as hell. It isn’t because I want the little Ewok to live longer, or any of that other touchy-feely hippie bullshit.”
Sarah bent over and kissed him on the cheek, “Thank you Bobby.” Bobby felt his face turn beat red. Sarah took one look and started laughing, “Bobby, we have to find you a woman. The day a kiss on the cheek from a friend turns you six shades of red is the day you officially need to start dating again because you’ve been on your own way too long.”
“Yeah, but dating might lead to marriage. I tried marriage once. It was a lot like eating bad Mexican food. The first few bites are good, then it all starts to taste the same, and then once you’ve taken all you can stomach there’s nothing left but to sit around waiting for the painful shit to finally happen.”
“Bobby…a good marriage isn’t like that.”
“Yeah, but I’m just not marriage material. Besides, if I did find a woman then she’d probably want kids. I’m too old for that. I was lucky to get B.J. when I did, but with my luck my next kid would be some kind of mutant rat-boy. Plus I’d be in my sixties when the kid graduated high school so I figure getting out of the gene pool while I’m ahead is probably a good thing.”
Sarah finished making breakfast and slid the plate over to the man. “You know there are probably some women out there that just want companionship. They don’t want children.”
“Yeah…and either they’re kooks, or they can do a shitload better than a nine-fingered asshole that never did learn to put the toilet seat down.” Bobby smirked, and started eating. “Damn this is good.”
Sarah looked at the man. He wasn’t ugly, but he certainly wasn’t looking his best either. Bobby had mischievous blue eyes, and a friendly smile that was just a little crooked on his face. The short crew cut didn’t exactly soften his features any. Dirt and blood were caked onto him, and when you combined it all he looked a little like an escaped mental patient. She could see why he wasn’t dating. Most women would run the other way if a man looking like Bobby showed up with flowers, but if he just made a couple changes then he might find someone. All he needed was to let his hair grow out a little, make sure to clean up a little more, and dress a little nicer. He had nice bone structure. If he just did those few things he might go from a crazy looking coonass to a fairly handsome man. A thought slipped into her head. Maybe all Bobby needed to find someone…was for someone to give him a little coaching on how to present himself.
“Bobby? Go upstairs and take a shower. Don’t come out of that bathroom until I tell you to.”
“Well I don’t really think Colton is going to approve of me scrubbing my balls with his loofa.”
“Don’t argue.”
“I don’t even have any clothes!”
Sarah grinned, “I’m going to go grab some of your clothes from your house. I’ll be back in forty-five minutes.”
“I could go with you.” Bobby started to move to the front door. “Then I could use my own shower.”
Sarah grabbed his arm and moved him towards the stairs, “No…I’m going to take care of your clothes. Besides, you’re a little ripe from running around with my husband last night, and frankly I can barely stand to be in the same room with you as it is right now. I don’t think I could last the car ride over. So get upstairs, and scrub like you’ve never scrubbed before Bobby Mullins.”
Bobby tried two more times to talk his way out of going upstairs, but Sarah wouldn’t budge. So in the end he made his way upstairs slowly. “Why is it that I have the feeling that you have some super-secret Sarah Mudd plot, and I’m about to be the victim of it?”
“You’re just being paranoid. Now get up there mister and scrub. Don’t stop until you’re squeaky clean. There’s an extra toothbrush in the drawer under the sink. I expect those teeth brushed too.” Sarah pushed the man up the stairs.
“Yes Mother!” Bobby said sarcastically.
Sarah waited until she heard the water running, and then she made her way out the front door. She went to her car and started backing away. Meanwhile Bobby sat on the toilet. The shower was running, and the sink was also going full blast. He needed to poop, but hadn’t wanted Sarah to hear him. Normally he would have taken pride in his backdoor symphony, but he felt a little self-conscious about it around Sarah. So he tried to drown out the sounds by using the shower and sink.
Bobby sat there waiting to finish when he saw a set of controls. After finishing he looked around, and saw no toilet paper anywhere. There wasn’t even anything that looked like it was there to hold toilet paper. He didn’t want to get up so he kept searching. Then he saw the controls beside his leg. “Oh hell…this is one of them fancy toilets. They clean your ass for you. I always wanted to try one of these.”
For some strange reason Bobby looked around as if to make sure there wasn’t anyone in the bathroom with him. Then he pushed the button. A tiny little wand extended out from inside the toilet, and then began spraying cool water on his butthole. Bobby jerked from the surprise of it, and then said, “Well that’s new.” After the bidet finished cleaning him, Bobby tried it again…and again…and one more time before he moved on to the air dryer. He was about to hop up when he saw a other little buttons that said variable spray and wand position. He hit that button and felt the spray pulse on and off as it splashed against him. Then he started hitting the wand position button to see how far back it would go. The spray moved all the way to his tailbone. Then Bobby pressed it to see how far it would extend. He stopped pressing it when it started hitting him in the testicles. .“Holy shit…it’s like a really tiny midget is down there shooting me in the balls with a water gun! This is so cool.” He pressed the button to extend it out as far as it would go. It kept spraying until it was firing out through the space between his legs. Water was shooting out, and hitting the giant wall mirror across from him. Bobby panicked and jumped up to block the water from hitting the mirror. The bidet started shooting him in the back of the head, and when he turned around it was spraying him in the face.
Colton drove slowly up towards the police station. The fire engine was nothing more than a burnt skeleton. The front of the station was completely destroyed. He could see some people moving around inside, but he couldn’t tell whether they were infected or not. Then one of them saw him. He saw him call to the others, and then they began walking out towards him. Even in the light he couldn’t tell whether they were zombies or not, and so he threw the Explorer in reverse and prepared to tear out of the area if they attacked.
“Sheriff Mudd! Hey Colton!” Deputy Roger Cobb screamed from across the parking lot. “What the fuck happened here last night Boss?”
Colton put it in drive, and rolled up to the growing crowd. He was prepared to drive right over them if they even hinted at the slightest desire to eat him. Colton parked ten feet from the crowd, and let them walk the rest of the way over to him.
It was the normal dayshift crowd. The three dispatchers, two janitors, and the two regular officers along with Roger, who worked part time to earn a little cash after his retirement from New Orleans PD. Of all the officers on Colton’s force, Roger was the one most likely to be able to handle this whole situation. In fact, if Roger had wanted it, he probably could have taken Colton’s job years ago. Roger looked exactly like what most people would expect in a movie sheriff. He was broad shouldered, square jawed, and tall.
“Colton? What happened last night? I get a call from Lisa saying to come in, and then you call me saying stay away. When I get here it looks like this place was a warzone, your vehicle looks like swiss cheese because of all the bullet holes, and all the landlines are dead. Only cell phones work. What the hell is that axe doing stuck in the side of your truck.” Roger eyed Colton suspiciously.
Colton tried to explain everything, and when everyone looked at him like he was insane he had Roger call the LSU campus police. It rang a few times, and then they someone picked up, “Help us! Help us please! They’re killing everyone!”
“Who’s killing everyone?” Roger asked. The veins stood out from his neck.
“Zombies…they’re everywhere! The whole campus is infected. They already got Herbert. The sons of bitches shoved a pole through him, and then cooked him like a chicken from Boston Market.” The voice screamed into the phone.
Colton grabbed the phone, “How? You were supposed to be guarding that head. Is B.J. okay?”
“We were, but someone stole it. I don’t know about any B.J., but whoever he is…they probably got him as well.” The voice said.
“It’s not a he. It was the young woman investigating the head.” Colton snapped.
“I don’t know what happened to her.” There was a loud crash in the background, and the man screamed, “No! No! Stay back!” Colton and the others could hear the man firing his gun at something. “I said stay back. No! No! Help me! Oh God help me please! Nooooooooooo-“ The phone cut off. Colton, Roger and the rest of the people just stared at the phone.
“I didn’t sign up for this shit? I quit.” Roger’s voice shook with fear as he turned around and walked to his car. He slid inside, turned the key, and drove off. The others walked back to their cars and drove off. Colton tried to talk them into staying to help, but they didn’t want to hear it. He even begged, but that didn’t stop the last car from driving away.
Colton wanted to get Bobby and go rescue his goddaughter, but right now he needed to figure out what happened. If B.J. was still alive then there wasn’t much he could do to help her. All he could do is hope she’d have enough sense to get somewhere safe. If she wasn’t alive…he’d have time to cry about it later. “If she didn’t make it…Jesus. How would Bobby handle it?” Colton was afraid of the answer. He didn’t think Bobby would want to live if something happened to his daughter. Colton pushed the thought out of his head. He needed to investigate. Colton walked inside. There was blood on the walls, body parts strewn around the lobby, but no sign of what might have happened to the zombies there. Colton searched the station, and found an invoice for the Meyers. “Shit. They must have come here to get paid.” Colton pulled out his cell phone and tried to call Bella and her brothers. There was no answer.
Colton decided to backtrack. It was his best chance to figure out what happened. “If they had an invoice, then that means they dropped off the bodies at the M.E.’s office.” Colton walked out to his Explorer and drove to the M.E.’s office. He found the M.E. naked with a hole chewed out of his chest and the top half of his skull missing. The inside of his skull was scraped clean.
“The Meyers came here. Then they went to my station, but then what?” Colton looked around for some clue where they might have gone, but came up with nothing. The only thing he saw were bloody footprints leading from the exam table to the front door. He finally shrugged and walked back out of the M.E.’s office. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed in frustration. He didn’t know where the Meyers might have gone, but he had another lead.
Colton followed the footprints. They got fainter the farther he walked, but there were still some blood spots when he reached the water plant. Colton pushed the door open, and then went inside. He searched until he found the mixing area basins. Newly cleaned water was running through the grate. A young woman was pinned to the grate from the rushing water. She was eating a water employee. The scraps that fell off washed down through the grate into a pipe that went to the entire city.
When Melissa Roberts finally saw Colton she grinned and waved an arm that was nothing but bone and muscle. The water was running so quickly that it had stripped most of the skin from her body. “Why don’t you come join me?” Colton pulled out his gun, and took aim. He shot, and missed. So he walked around to the grate. Pointed down at the woman’s head, and pulled the trigger.
Brain matter sprayed into the water, and then flowed through the grate. Colton started walking around the water to find an off switch. Then a hand shot up out of the water and grabbed Colton by the ankle. Colton screamed and fought as the arm started pulling him into the water. He grabbed onto the guardrail, and watched in horror as a head started rising out of the water. The water had peeled the skin off his face and body. He could see where the muscle was beginning to be shredded away from the bone.
“So hungry!” Colton’s attacker leaned in to bite the man. Water ran out through his teeth and from where his neck had been. Its jaw opened wide, and was about to sink into Colton’s leg.
*Bang*
The zombie’s head scattered out over the water, and his body slid back into the water. Colton scrambled to his feet and got as far from the grate as possible. He couldn’t tell how many more might be pinned to the grate down in that water, but there were four cars outside. He had to assume there were at least two more down there. Colton searched the room for the cutoff valve. He found it and pushed the button to shut the water off.
Iron doors dropped into place to cut off the water. The pools drained out through the grate The woman and the two men fell to the bottom. Colton walked over and looked down. The ones he shot weren’t moving, but there were still two more that must have been deep below the surface. They didn’t have any skin left, and most of their muscle had been ripped away by the current. They couldn’t do much more than claw at the metal grate. Colton took careful aim, and tried to shoot them, but he couldn’t hit them. Instead rounds struck them in the back, or just missed them completely. Finally Colton just gave up and walked off. They couldn’t climb out anyway, and he couldn’t afford to keep wasting bullets just to put them out of their misery.
Colton walked back to the M.E.’s office, and then slipped into his Explorer. He decided to drive back home. Bobby had to be awake by now, and there wasn’t anything else he could do around here right now anyway. He began driving down the road, when he saw the burnt out husk of the local arts and crafts store. He also saw the burnt and melted husk that had been the Meyers’ station wagon.
“Oh holy hell!” Colton snapped as he slammed on the breaks and skidded to a stop in front of the building. He got out and made his way inside the burnt building. He found the first body halfway into the store. It was burnt, and in pieces. At first he thought it might be Edward, but as he found more charred bodies strewn around the store. He was pretty sure when he found Jacob. The corpse was almost three times the girth of the others. He looked as though someone had scooped his insides out before the fire got him.
Colton found Bella in the back. There were other burnt bodies piled on top of her. One of the dead wore a melted stuffed animal like a mask. Colton looked around. He tried to figure out who the people were, but there just wasn’t anything left to identify them with. “I guess I’ll have to send them over to the M.E. to get identif…damn.” Colton walked back out of the building and got in his Explorer.
“Well I guess this is what happened to the rest of the zombies.” Colton sat there in stunned silence for a few minutes. Then he put it in drive and started to drive away when a quizzical look came across his face. Instead of heading home, he turned at the first left and drove to the building directly behind the arts and crafts store. The main switch for the local area phone lines was housed there. Sometimes meth-heads and the homeless would sneak in to try and steal copper. He wouldn’t be getting any calls about that now. The whole place was burnt to the ground. “Well this explains why the landlines aren’t working. Guess we’ll have to stick with cellphones until someone fixes this. Of course right now there really isn’t a we…just a me. I suppose I could deputize Bobby. I should probably deputize Sarah too. It’ll be safer for them then. That way they can carry guns around. Besides, after all this I’m not ruling out that Bobby really did see that werewolf. Oh well…one problem at a time I guess. I’ll go get Bobby, we’ll head to LSU, and then hopefully we’ll find B.J. hiding in a lab or something. I just hope We’re not too late.” Colton pointed the Explorer back to his home, and started driving.
“Oh God…I think I’m going to hyperventilate!” The bride to be said in a stressed voice that was at least two octaves higher than normal. She had the veil, the church, the priest, the perfect floral arrangements, the father to give her away, something old, something new, something borrowed, and even something blue. What she didn’t have, or at least what hadn’t shown up yet…was her future husband.
“Here, drink this.” One of her bridesmaids handed her a glass of tap water.
“He’s twenty minutes late.” The bride said as tears started to well up in her eyes.
Another bridesmaid spoke, “No-no-no-no! You can’t cry. It’ll ruin your makeup, and it’s too late for me to fix it. Now drink your water, and for the love of God try to calm down. I’m sure he’ll be here any minute. He probably just got stuck in traffic or something. An hour from now you’ll go from being Jennifer Scott Carhart to being Mrs. Ashley Williams.”
Jennifer laughed and rolled her eyes, “You know James hates it when people call him Ashley, and it’s going to be Jennifer Scott Carhart-Williams.”
Jennifer’s mother, Samantha shook her head, “His mother named him Ashley…he should be happy with it. What kind of man goes by his middle name?”
“Warren Beatty, Grover Cleveland, Broderick Crawford, Bob Newhart, Gregory Peck, Steve McQueen, Robert Redford, Sylvester Stallone, and Orson Welles to name a few.” Jennifer answered.
“Fine Mrs. Smartypants. I’m just saying that…well it’s probably best if I keep my opinion to myself on your wedding day. Lord knows you didn’t ask for my opinion so I won’t give it.” Samantha sighed.
Jennifer rolled her eyes and swallowed the water. Her mother had been “not giving her opinion” about the man for the last five months. After all the complaining her mother did, Jennifer was ready to marry the man even if it was just to avoid hearing an “I told you so.”
Ashley James Williams wasn’t a bad guy. He worked hard…usually. He was faithful…mostly. He was a good provider…sometimes. He even treated her like a queen…occasionally. The most important thing was that he loved her…every now and then. Most of the time she even loved him back.
The man was handsome though. Jet black hair, an easy smile, and the brightest green eyes she ever saw, and she loved looking into those eyes when they made love. Of course when they fought, and they fought often, it was those same eyes that scared her. Those same amazingly bright eyes gave him a hint of madness. She was always a little afraid of what might happen if she kept up the argument, and so she caved in.
*KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK*
Her father peeked his head in. “He’s here. We’ll start in fifteen if that’s okay with you? That way the guests can go to the restroom, or grab a sip from the water fountain.”
“Okay Daddy.” Jennifer smiled. Relief washed through her. James hadn’t left her. He hadn’t just run off with cold feet. She was really going to be Mrs. James Williams.
Ashley James Williams stood at the front of the church. He was wearing the rented tux Jennifer paid for. He felt like hammered shit. The hangover from last night’s bachelor party was in full effect. He’d still be wearing his sunglasses, but the pastor had given him an evil look and “reminded” him that sunglasses were not appropriate wedding attire. James slipped the sunglasses into his coat pocket.
It seemed like the wait was taking forever. In the meantime, James watched people excuse themselves to grab a sip of water, or go to the restroom. With each passing minute, James really started considering running for the doors. He was pretty certain Jennifer wouldn’t speak to him ever again if he did run off. He was beginning to think of that like an extra perk with each passing second. Cold feet didn’t quite do it justice. It was all James could do to keep his knees from shaking.
He was just about to run off when the music started playing. The bridesmaids came down first dressed in some kind of creamsicle orange dress that wouldn’t have flattered anyone, but that was the whole point. Jennifer wanted to be the prettiest woman there. So she intentionally put her bridesmaids in ugly colors so that she’d look even prettier by comparison. James nearly choked when he saw Sally Mae make her way down as one of the bridesmaids. He’d spent the night slipping twenties down her g-string, and then he banged her in the alley behind the club after it closed. His mouth went dry. If she told Jennifer what they did the night before then he’d be screwed. Their eyes met, and Sally Mae smiled. She must have recognized the concern on his face because as she walked past him to take her spot she said, “Smile loser…it’s your wedding day. Now get ready to make my cousin the happiest woman on earth.” She walked over and took her place.
James sighed in relief, and then he saw her. She was dressed in a long white wedding dress. Her father, a fairly hefty man, was holding her hand as he walked her down. The veil covered her face, but he still just somehow knew that the woman was smiling underneath. At that moment she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on. Now his knees were really shaking, but not with fear. All he could think was how on earth did he ever get a woman like that?
The pastor began the wedding. James was so nervous that he barely heard the words. When the pastor asked him to say I do…he almost said, “I do what?” It was the most nerve-wracking moment of his life, and then he was being told to kiss his bride. James flipped her veil back, and she was beautiful. Jennifer looked equal parts fairy princess and fashion model. He leaned in and kissed her. He was so happy that all he could think was that he was the luckiest man on earth, and that’s when she bit down.
The crowd was clapping and cheering at first. It wasn’t until Jennifer pulled away with her new husbands tongue between her teeth that most of the guests realized something was wrong. Jennifer bit down, and then jerked away. James’ tongue tore off, and she began chewing. Blood spurted from his mouth onto her pure white dress.
Some of the guests thought it was a practical joke. A fake tongue, and some fake blood. Sally Mae was one of those people. She laughed and said, “It’s the perfect man. Sexy, great hair, a big dick, wealthy, and can’t talk.” She was still laughing when the best man leapt onto her and started biting down onto one of her breasts. Sally Mae screamed as he tore away a chunk of her left tit. The nipple and areola hung out of his mouth along with strips of the creamsicle dress. “Get off me!” She screamed, but she couldn’t push him off. Two more groomsmen joined in. One latched onto her shoulder, and another buried his face between her thighs.
“Oh my God…children shouldn’t see such things, and in a house of God!” Jennifer’s mother, Samantha, screamed as she tried to cover the six year old flower girl’s eyes. The flower girl grabbed Samantha by the wrist, and bit off her fingers. When Samantha finally got her hand away from the child she was missing three fingers. “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!” She just stood there repeating herself over and over. That’s when Timmy, the eight year old ring bearer, made a running leap for her face. Samantha went back into the crowd, and when they finally stopped the boy had already bitten through her skull and was devouring her brains.
Up until then some of the audience thought it was a joke, and others were too shocked to react. Unfortunately for them every moment that passed resulted in another guest succumbing to their infection. Anyone that had drunk the water was infected. That meant about a third of the guests were starting to develop a hunger that they didn’t quite understand.
Some of the guests tried to run for the exit, but the ushers were already closing the doors to prevent escape. The doors opened inwards, and so when the crush of people tried to escape they only helped to doom themselves. All the people pressing forward against the doors kept the people in front from being able to open them. Panic set in, and they began fighting one another to try to get to the front. Some of the people in front were crushed against the door and suffocated. Some in the middle of the crowd were trampled to death. The rest were picked off one by one.
Jennifer had her husband on the ground. He was still slapping at her and fighting to get away. He saw Sally Mae screaming and desperately trying to get out from under the three men. She looked back at him and reached out. Then his vision was blocked by the pastors’ smiling face. Lankester “Bubby” Merrin was there to baptize James. He’d been invited to dinner so many times that the pastor was practically family. He even had his own seat reserved at the dinner table. In a lot of ways Bubby was like a second father to James. He expected Bubby to pull Jennifer off of him, but instead the pastor latched onto his face and started chewing his way through James’ left eye.
The rest of the infected pulled away people from the crowd and ate them. Wives killed their husbands, children ate their parents, friends killed one another inside Livingston Parish’s First United Church of the Immaculate Mary, Joseph, and John. One hundred and twenty-three people died screaming. When it was over blood dripped down the walls, the floral arrangements were sagging and shredded, and arterial spray covered Jesus on the cross at the front.
“I’ve done over two hundred weddings, and I have to say this was by far the most fun I’ve ever had.” Pastor Bubby grinned.
“Really?” The newly widowed bride asked. When the pastor nodded, Jennifer Scott Carhart-Williams started crying. “Oh Bubby…I’m so happy.”
“I’m still hungry.” The flower girl said, “Can we have some more?”
“Sure honey…just go find your parents and we’ll all go check some of the nearby houses.” Jennifer said to Josie with a smile.
“Mr. Rivers and Mrs. Sanchez ate them…” Josie said as tears started to swell up into her eyes.
“Don’t cry. Come on…you can come with me.” Jennifer smiled and took the little girl by the hand. She led her and the other forty-eight infected outside. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. It was warm, but not hot. “Well Josie…I don’t know what you think, but I think today is the perfect day for a picnic.” She looked down at the little flower girl. Josie smiled and nodded. “Well then, why don’t you take the lead and we’ll be right behind you.” Josie giggled and ran to the nearest home. Jennifer and the others followed. They spent the rest of the day wandering the streets, and going door-to-door.
“I’m so hungry.” Lula Mae whined.
“Shut up. You’re annoying our master.” Jimbo snapped.
The three walked down the highway. It was warm, but not hot. Danior plodded ahead of the two. He needed more people. He needed to be able to recruit as many as possible. Danior looked at Jimbo. He was normal looking enough, but there was something about his eyes that just screamed pervert. He’d never be able to really fit into any groups. The man was just too…off.
Then Danior turned to Lula Mae. Wearing a dress that was far too large on her was enough to get most people’s attention, but using belts to make the dress fit better just made her stick out. It wasn’t as if Danior could say much though. Danior and Jimbo both had to raid Jimmy Jack’s closet once they changed back. Jimmy Jack had been a much larger man, and so the clothes just hung off them as well. They’d have to steal clothing that fit better when they had the opportunity. In the meantime they’d make do.
“Master…I’m hungry.” Lula Mae groaned.
“Shut up!” Jimbo yelled and slapped the girl.
Jimbo raised his hand to hit her again, and that’s when Danior grabbed him by the throat. It was tempting to just kill the man and be done with it. If he had more options then he might just have done that, but right now there were only three of them. “No.” It was all Danior said before letting the man go, but it was enough.
“I’m sorry Master. You know I just want to make you happy.” Jimbo pleaded forgiveness until Danior finally turned and walked away in disgust.
Lula Mae was just about to ask again when they saw a McDonalds. They turned and went inside. Lula Mae practically skipped her way into the hamburger place. It was her favorite place to eat in the whole world. She loved the fries. Danior looked around. Tables were spread out all through the business. Kids screamed for their parents to get them something called a “Happymeal”, and parents called out food to the dead-eyed men and women that worked behind the counter.
“Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?” A cashier mumbled. With all the scars and pitting on his face it looked like the man had fought a war with acne and lost. He was a tall black man with an obvious pooch around the middle. Danior tried not to stare too much at the man, but he couldn’t figure out why the man hadn’t pulled his pants up yet because they were hanging down so low that you could see his underwear. He finally decided that it must be because the man must be a homosexual, and he was advertising his sexual availability to other men. It was the only thing that made sense to Danior. He’d seen a few homosexuals in the camps, and on the train. They were much more careful about advertising their sexuality in his day. They might carefully talk around their sexual preference. Sometimes they’d slip in a word, and strangely if the other person was homosexual then he just immediately understood. It was as much for their safety. An unwanted sexual advance could end up getting them beaten, or worse.
“I’m hungry. I want an Egg McMuffin.” Lula Mae answered.
“It’s 10:34. I’m sorry but breakfast ended four minutes ago.” The cashier sighed.
“But I want an Egg McMuffin.” Lula Mae whined.
“What do you want me to do about it? Come back tomorrow.” The cashier snapped.
Lula Mae pouted and walked away from the cashier. Jimbo grabbed her by the arm and yanked her over to a table, “What the hell is wrong with you? We don’t have any money.”
“But I’m hungry.” Lula Mae began sniffling.
Danior slid into the seat across from them. He looked around nervously. Things were so much different from the way they used to be. Cash registers didn’t have buttons anymore. Now they had lights, and pictures to guide the operator. There were pictures everywhere, and Danior began to wonder if people could still actually read. People didn’t say what kinds of food they wanted, instead they called out numbers. Danior tried not to look afraid, but he was out of his element. He could handle almost anything, but the statue of the redheaded clown in the corner creeped him out. Danior just couldn’t figure out what the redheaded clown in the yellow suit had to do with hamburgers.
A thought wormed its way into Danior’s head. He needed fighters if he was going to start attacking cities and governments. The faster he could recruit, the faster he could become a real threat. Danior watched as one car after another drove around the building to pick up food at the drive-thru. He watched as cars lined up, and grin began to grow on his face.
“Fries! Fries! Fries! Fries!” The chanting got Danior’s attention. A brown-haired woman was leading a pack of disabled kids. One look told Danior that these people were different. The woman was obviously in charge. She seemed genuinely kind and almost motherly to them. Most of them were mentally handicapped, and many of the others were physically disabled. Some wore braces, some had crutches, and bringing up the rear was a strange looking seventeen year old. He was in a wheelchair. At first Danior couldn’t figure out how the young man was moving the chair, but then he realized there was a tube in front of his mouth. By puffing and sucking air, he could move his chair.
Danior watched as he backed the chair against the door to hold it open while the last of the group made their way in. The last child grinned, “Thanks Damien!”
“You are welcome.”
Danior was shocked. The young man hadn’t moved his mouth, but he somehow still responded. The voice sounded mechanical, as if he was a robot. At first he couldn’t figure out how he was communicating, but then he saw the speaker attached to the back of the chair. They all made their way up to the front. “Johanna. Can I have a Happymeal?” One of the girls in leg braces asked. The brown-haired woman smiled sweetly and nodded. She then went one by one and gave the cashier their orders. Finally she got to Damien.
“What do you want Damien?” Johanna asked. The young man couldn’t eat anything on the menu. He had a feeding tube that handled all his dietary needs, but letting him order something gave him an opportunity to be just like the other kids. Attempts at normalcy were important for people like Damien. It kept them from feeling like monsters, or freaks of nature.
“Egg McMuffin.” Damien answered.
“Breakfast ended…well now six minutes ago.” The cashier rolled his eyes, order something else. The man wasn’t kind about it.
“I do not want anything else. I want an Egg McMuffin.”
The cashier eyed the young man, “And I want a blonde with 34DD’s, but it’s not gonna happen. So listen here Stephen Hawking…unless you can build a time machine and go back to a time when we were still serving breakfast, I suggest you pick something else…okay retard.”
Johanna was shocked. She was about to say something when Damien spoke, “Relax Yo. I got this.” Damien wheeled himself up a little closer, “Now get back there and make me an Egg McMuffin or else.”
“Or else what?” The cashier smirked.
“Or else I will give you a brief history of pain by driving my wheelchair up your minimum wage bass. That is what mother father.”
“Bass? Mother-father? What the fuck is this tardo talking about?”
Johanna stared at Damien, “His parents had all his curse words blocked on his text-to-speech engine.” Johanna put her hand on Damien’s shoulder, “Damien Judas Bergoglio…we don’t use that kind of language. It isn’t nice.”
It took a moment, but then Damien’s speaker came back to life, “No you do not use that kind of language, I would love to use that kind of language. It would be very appropriate for this fudge-head.”
The cashier screamed, “Fudge-head? You mean fuckhead? Listen here you little retarded bastard. You’re lucky I don’t step around this counter and slap you around like the little bitch you is?”
“Mr. Nee…foo…hair…une…za…ga? I’m going to have to ask you to please not talk like that to one of my students. I’m sure Damien will apologize.” Johanna said with strained politeness as she eyed Damien. She knew the young man was going to be trouble the whole way down. He was smart, and generally well behaved when things were going his way, but for someone that was wheelchair bound, and couldn’t actually move…the seventeen year old was fiery well past the point of common sense.
“It’s Nifwuairyoonzaga, Urhiness Nifwuairyoonzaga. What? Don’t you people speak English?” Urhiness snapped. The cashier then pronounced his name slowly, as if it was the people in front of him that were stupid, and not his parents for naming him Your-Highness Knife-Ware-Eon-Zaga.
The other employees came out of the back to see what all the commotion was about. One of them has still holding an Egg McMuffin. Johanna pointed at it, “Can’t Damien just have that one?”
Urhiness laughed, “It’s after 10:30. So no he can’t have that one. It’s getting thrown away along with anything else we have left over. It’s trash.”
“But it’s perfectly fine…be reasonable.” Johanna was trying to keep from having another incident with Damien. The young man may have been completely immobile, but if you crossed him he could be sneaky and had a mean streak that most people wouldn’t believe.
Urhiness looked back at his coworker holding the Egg McMuffin. “Margarita? Bring me that.” Margarita handed the Egg McMuffin to the man that was her acting supervisor. Urhiness held it out to Damien, “Well here it is…and if you want it. You just have to reach out and take it.”
Johanna gasped. “Come on kids, we’ll go somewhere else. This place just isn’t providing the amazing quality of service I normally expect from a McDonalds.” It was the closest she’d allow herself to come to actually insulting the man. Johanna, or Yo as some of the kids called her, wanted to slap the taste out of the man’s mouth. Unfortunately, she was having to be the mature adult. She was in charge of a flock of kids, and many of them had certain emotional issues. If she got angry, they might react to it violently, and many of them weren’t able to really understand the consequences of their actions.
Urhiness pulled the Egg McMuffin away. “Oh…I guess the little cripple doesn’t want it that badly.” Then he tossed it into the trash.
“Dog-bone-lick-corvette-Mandy-zebra.” Damien was so angry he couldn’t focus on any of his words and phrases. Instead a stream of complete randomness flowed from his speaker.
“Aww…did I break the little cripple?” Urhiness laughed, and then he looked back at the other employees. Most of them just rolled their eyes, but Margarita gave the man the finger. “Bitch! Go clean up the bathrooms, and you better do a good job, or you’re fired.”
Margarita sighed and went to grab a bucket. Damien was still spraying out random words by the time she walked by him with the mop and bucket, “Sorry. What he did was pretty fucked up, but there’s not much I can do about it.”
Damien moved the wheelchair towards the swinging door that led to behind the counter. Urhiness watched him roll past the swinging doors and turn the wheelchair to face him. “What the fuck do you think your crippled ass is gonna do? I should just go stick a broom handle in your spokes and stick you out on the grass like a lawn gnome.”
“Bring it on mother father.” Damien’s eyes locked on the man.
“Oh…you want to throw down with me? You better get you head straight son! I will beat that cripple ass all day long. I’m gonna beat you so bad that…that…well I’m gonna just beat you pretty damn bad. You crippled, retarded, stupid, motherfucker! Why your parents didn’t just abort you is anyone’s guess.”
Johanna saw the glint in Damien’s eyes change, and she knew exactly what that meant. She’d seen that look in his eyes before. If one of the other kids got hurt, or if a caregiver was too rough with a needle. Damien’s mood could go from grumpy to scorched earth at the drop of a hat. He was there now.
“I am going to beat your bass so badly that the entire cast of Roots will be calling you Toby, and when I am done everyone that sees you will call you the beach that got his bass kicked by a cripple. Now bring it on you stupid shirt-eating fudge.” Damien edged his wheelchair forward.
“Fuck you!” Urhiness screamed, and then the man ran at the wheelchair bound child.
Damien’s mouth twitched. It was the closest he could come to an actual smile. Urhiness was almost there, and that’s when Damien triggered one of the self-defense measures. His parents had always worried that their young teen’s mouth might get him into trouble. So they had a few “improvements” made on his chair. So as Urhiness got closer, something akin to a cattle prod extended out from the front. Damien steered the prod so that Urhiness ran right into it.
*Zap*
Urhiness was facedown and twitching on the floor when Damien backed his chair up, turned it around, and then backed up until the chair was over Urhiness’ head. Damien activated the hydraulics in his chair. They were originally designed to make his ride as smooth as possible so that he could better focus on the words for his text-to-speech engine. The chair rose and fell over the man’s face, and Damien said, How do my balls taste mother father. You like that. Yes you do. Yes you do. My balls are a part of your delicious breakfast. Now suck on some pepper spray you dumb bass hole.” Damien activated the second part of his defense measures, and pepper spray went out in all directions at about knee level. Damien’s parents had it designed so that he could spray them after tazing them. That way he’d have a chance to get away.
Danior watched the cripple rolling away in celebration, and laughed. The young man was brave. Damien saw him giggling. He rolled right to him and said, “Do we have a problem.”
Jimbo leaned over and grabbed the kid, “Keep your filthy retard hands off my Master!”
A half second later Jimbo was lying face down. There was a huge hole in his leg from where makeshift cattle prod made contact. Danior looked closer, the prong was silver. Silver burned through Danior and his kind like acid, and so it was going to take a while before Jimbo healed properly. Danior was mulling over the situation as he watched Damien repeatedly back over the man’s head with his rear wheel. Danior looked at them all. Damien, and all the others were hardly what anyone would consider threatening, but the young man had just taken down two able-bodied men, and he‘d done it quickly. A smile twisted up onto Danior’s face. These people were exactly what he needed go walk in anywhere without getting too much scrutiny. If someone saw them they’d either excuse their behavior, or they’d do their best to ignore them completely.
Lula Mae felt her master pull against their blood connection. She was up and walking towards the exit, and she didn’t even know why. She was afraid, but she couldn’t even control her own reactions. A person looking at her would have thought she was completely calm, but inside she was terrified. She didn’t understand why her body refused to listen to her. Lula Mae watched her hand reach up and twist the lock, and that’s when everything went crazy.
Jimbo awoke to a full-body cramp. He felt his teeth loosen and fall out. Then he felt bones begin to shift. As much as it hurt, he still wasn’t prepared for when the fur started ripping out from under his skin. He looked over and saw Lula Mae going through the same change. He heard the screams, but right now he didn’t care. The pain was too much, and then it was over.
Jimbo didn’t remember much from the first time he changed, but this time he had complete clarity. He tried to stand, but couldn’t. The whole in his leg from the prod still hadn’t healed, and by the look of things it would be a few hours at the earliest.
Danior gave the order, and the three of them attacked. They slashed Johanna down her back before biting chunks out of her, and then they began biting the other handicapped kids. Danior saved Damien for last. He leaned down and gently bit the boy’s shoulder. Damien impressed him, and so Danior felt that the teen had earned a more personal touch.
After they spread the disease to Johanna and the handicapped kids, Danior turned his attention to the employees. Lula Mae ran into the bathroom and found Margarita. The pretty young Hispanic woman tried to fight the young were off, but in the end she couldn’t do anything to protect herself. Lula Mae pushed her back into a restroom stall, grabbed her by the back of the head, and then proceeded to shove the woman face first into the filthy brown toilet water. Margarita flushed the toilet, and was able to steal a few breaths during the time the water flushed down, and the time it began refilling.
Each time Margarita was about to pass out, she flushed the toilet and found some air. The fourth time she tried to flush Lula Mae screamed in frustration and grabbed the mop handle. Margarita was jerked up out of the toilet, and slammed back first into the wall. The impact was so hard that it left an indentation that outlined her shoulders and her butt. Lula Mae roared at the young Hispanic woman, and then she pulled one of her arms out until it was perpendicular with her body.
The young werewolf took one of the broken halves of the broom handle and rammed it through the woman’s hand. Blood ran down the cream colored wall. Then Lula Mae did the same thing with the woman’s other hand. Lula Mae looked at her for a moment with wild predatory eyes. Then she tore the woman’s shirt off, exposing heavy breasts. The young wolf stared at them, and then looked down at her flat, furry chest and snarled. One swipe of her claws was all it took to remove both breasts. All that was left were a few meaty strips that dangled. The sudden trauma took her body a moment to process, but after a few seconds she began staring down at her ruined chest and screaming.
That’s when Lula Mae started using her claws to peel strips of skin off of the woman and eat them like Fruit Roll-Ups. Within minutes the woman was slick with blood. Danior stepped into the bathroom. He’d changed back. The larger wolf body was still melting and peeling off. In another few minutes he’d shed himself of all the fur, and the rest of the wolf’s head would fall off exposing Danior’s human face underneath. Lula Mae looked at her master, whimpered, and backed away from the woman.
“Kill…me.” Margarita Sanschez’ voice was barely a whisper. Danior leaned over, and she begged, “Kill…me…please.”
Danior smiled, “No.” The man then looked at Lula Mae and then back to Margarita. Lula Mae felt the compulsion take over. She plodded over to the woman, and bit down on her arm. The young woman was hurting so badly that she didn’t even jerk when the teeth tore into her flesh.
Danior led Lula Mae back out to the rest of the McDonalds staff. Jimbo was still chewing on the fry cook. There were two more employees lying face down in their own blood. The only one left remaining was Urhiness.
“Get back!” Urhiness screamed as he threatened Danior with a bin of ketchup packets.
Danior felt some of the handicapped children waking up. He could feel the pull from their blood tie. Instead of attacking the cashier himself, he decided to let the kids and their caretaker handle it. Johanna changed first. Her deep brown fur erupted from her skin so quickly that it gave an audible tearing sound. She stood in front to protect the others. Danior realized immediately that she’d be an asset, especially since he had so many handicapped. Johanna would also be useful with Lula Mae. That was good because he didn’t want to leave the girl in Jimbo’s care.
The other kids changed fairly quickly. Of course there were some issues. If their legs didn’t work when they were human, then they didn’t work now that they were werewolves either. So some of the werewolves still had to wear leg braces, or use crutches. Two of them had walkers, and then there was Damien Bergloglio.
The young man just didn’t change like the rest of them. He only changed in patches. Damien’s left leg from the knee to the ankle changed, and his right arm changed. His face changed, but Damien’s ears stayed the same. Danior shook his head and considered killing the teen to put him out of his misery, but then Damien’s speaker howled a very robotic, “Ah…rue.” Danior stepped in front of the young man. Damien made the chair swivel back and forth while he howled again in his robotic voice, “Ah…rue.”
Danior nodded, and his new pack attacked Urhiness. They were going to kill him, but Danior stopped it. Instead he made sure the man was infected. Twenty minutes later Margarita came walking out of the bathroom covered in blood, but otherwise okay. The other employees got up looking completely unharmed except for a few bloodstains. Even Urhiness looked perfectly fine.
Danior explained his plan. It was simple. The employees would infect the customers, and then Danior would call them to serve him via the blood tie. The way Danior figured…there’d be a few hundred of his kind ready to serve him by the end of the week. Meanwhile Danior and his pack of handicapped werewolves would be preparing an all-out attack on the nearest major city that he could find.
“Well that’s easy. The closest major city is New Orleans, but it’s full of people this time of year for Mardis Gras.” Jimbo answered.
“Mardis…Gras?” Danior asked. Jimbo explained Mardis Gras, and the more he told Danior, the bigger his master’s smile grew until he finally said, “Perfect.” Mardis Gras was just the type of event he hoped for. People from all over coming to this one location. It would allow him to spread his influence as quickly as possible.
“Just one problem.” Urhiness said as he rolled his eyes, “How are we going to spread the infection?”
Danior grabbed the man and drug him into the back. Then he threw him down on a table where they prepared food. Danior forced Margarita to walk over to him, and then she reached down and tore off a chunk of Urhiness ass. Urhiness screamed, but held still as he was commanded. Then Margarita took the chunk of the cashier and began cooking it just like a regular hamburger patty. A few minutes later she had it on a bun and ready to serve.
“I don’t like this plan.” Urhiness groaned. Then his body changed as Danior forced him to become a werewolf. The werewolf howled before becoming docile and accepting his fate. Almost immediately the man’s butt cheek was knitting back together at an alarming rate.
“He’s too hairy to use like this, so he has to stay human, but when he starts to run low on meat then he’ll have to change to replenish what’s missing. Keep him fed so he’ll heal when he changes, otherwise use him to feed the customers.” Danior spoke with calm finality. Then he Danior forced Urhiness to change back.
“What? I’m not gonna be someone’s dinner you son of a bitch.” Urhiness screamed. Danior watched him coldly, and then pushed his will into the man. After a few seconds Urhiness was smiling and calm...at least on the outside.
The first customer drove up requesting a McFlurry. Margarita stared at Urhiness while she tried to determine the best way to give the customer what they wanted. In the end she cut off a finger and chopped it up as finely as possible before tossing it in the McFlurry. The pieces were so finely chopped up that they didn’t even affect the texture of the ice cream. The taste was a little off though, but not so bad that the customer noticed.
There were spare uniforms in the back, and so Danior and the rest slipped on some McDonalds shirts. The only one that didn’t need new clothes was Damien since his transformation was never complete. The McDonalds employees resumed working. They used their coworkers infected body to taint the meat and drinks. For the most part their day to day work hadn’t changed. Danior then led the rest out to the front, on the way he took all the money in the cash registers. It was enough that they could buy a few things if needed. They were able to salvage their pants for the most part, but they were stained and shredded, so getting replacements was a priority. Lula Mae had to walk out in just an extra-large employee shirt because her dress was ruined. The shirt was large enough that it hung down on her like a dress.
Johanna opened the door to the bus. She loaded Damien up onto the bus. He parked his chair in the back, and some of the others locked his tires in to keep him safe. Lula Mae sat down beside him and smiled shyly. Damien tried to shift his wheelchair so he could see her, but he couldn’t move. Finally he just said, “Hi.”
Lula Mae looked ecstatic. “Hi.” She responded, and then turned beet red.
Johanna put the bus back on the highway, and in no time they were going seventy down the road. Jimbo and Danior stood in the aisle way as they watched the two kids talk back and forth. Lula Mae blushed almost every time the young man talked to her. “I think Lula Mae has a crush on the cripple. Ah…to be young, dumb, and in love.” Jimbo said, and then his eyes welled with tears, “It makes me miss Baby.”
It was at that point that Danior pushed his will into the other man. Jimbo walked to the back of the bus. Opened the emergency door, and leapt from the back onto a little purple Smart car. The front of the tiny little two-seater caved in from the impact. The driver jerked the wheel as he tried to avoid Jimbo’s upper body. The Smart car skidded sideways, and then began rolling. As it rolled, other cars slammed into the tiny car, or they crashed trying to avoid the wreckage that was still tumbling end over end.
When the car stopped, it barely resembled the car it had been. The same could be said for Jimbo. The man’s arms were bent in ways that the human body just wasn’t designed for. One of his feet was facing the wrong direction, and he had part of the rearview mirror imbedded in his left buttock. The driver sat there hyperventilating. He’d rolled almost two hundred feet. The car would have stopped well before then, but other cars kept hammering into it.
Jimbo landing on the Smart car caused a forty-three car pileup. Most of the people were shaken, but otherwise okay. Several people were ejected from their cars. The lucky ones died instantly when their heads splattered onto the roadway, but the unlucky ones had to endure being driven over repeatedly until the trauma killed them. An old Chevy burst into flames at the back of the pileup, and as time passed the fire spread to the other cars. Most of the people got out safely, but some of the people were trapped in their cars. Men, women, and children died screaming for help as they watched the fire spread.
The Smart car was far enough away that it was spared the fire. The driver looked back and sighed with relief. He checked his body to make sure everything was where it should be. “Oh thank God…I thought I was going to die.” That’s when Jimbo bit him.