*** SATURDAY MORNING, JANUARY 26th, 2013 – HOTEL MAISON DE VILLE 727 TOULOUSE STREET, NEW ORLEANS LOUISIANA***
Sarah called out to the two lumps sleeping on the sleeper sofa, “Morning Bobby! Morning B.J.! Are you both ready for breakfast? Colton thought we might want to get out there early to try and miss some of the crowd.”
It took a few moments, but B.J. drug herself out of the warm cocoon of blankets and padded over to Sarah. “Give us both about twenty minutes and we’ll be ready.” She looked like she hadn’t hardly slept that night, her hair was a mess, she had crusty eyes, and Sarah actually recoiled from B.J. morning breath.
“Wow! Honey you look terrible. You’ve got get more rest.” Sarah said with genuine concern.
B.J. shot her an angry glare, “I’d love more sleep, but apparently the couple using the bedroom are Bonobo chimps and feel the need to have really loud sex until four in the morning.”
Sarah blushed, “Oh…sorry. Colton and I just aren’t used to having to worry about keeping people up back at the house.”
B.J. turned and walked bleary eyed back to the sleeper sofa to wake up her father, “Buy you two ball gags next Christmas.”
“Oh we have those, but we forgot to pack them and…crap! Now I’m oversharing.” Sarah actually turned a whole new shade of red.
B.J. froze, “Eww.” Sarah tried to apologize but B.J. stopped her. “You’re a grown woman, and Uncle Colt is…well he’s a man although grown might be pushing it a little. What you two do in the privacy of your own bedroom is nobody’s business but yours.” Sarah sighed in relief, and then B.J. locked eyes with her, “But tonight…there will be no humping after midnight! If I hear even the slightest squeak up there then I’m coming up there with a pitcher of ice cold water and throwing it on both of you. I haven’t had more than four hours sleep yet since we got here. I will get one night of sleep…OR YOU WILL PAY!” There was just something in that look in her eyes that was so distinctly “Coonass” that Sarah couldn’t help but laugh. B.J. wasn’t Bobby’s by blood, but it was obvious right then that he’d raised her. They both just got this strangely crazed look in their eyes when they set their mind on something. Sarah laughed, and that only made B.J.’s eyes narrow to two angry slits as she asked, “What’s so funny.”
The young woman even squinted in anger like her father, and Sarah couldn’t help herself. She had to lean against the door frame because she was laughing so hard. Eventually she got control of herself and said, “I was just thinking how much you and your father are alike.” B.J. grinned, and yes it also was that same grin Sarah had seen spread across Bobby’s face a thousand times. Sarah turned to walk back upstairs to see if her husband was ready yet.
B.J. shook her father, “Dad? Dad?” Bobby just lay there with his face buried in the pillow. “Dad! Wake up!” B.J. demanded. When Bobby didn’t respond this time B.J. decided drastic actions should be taken. “Oh no! B.J. the Terrible is going up for a sneak attack with the Senton Bomb!” B.J. stood on top of a nearby chair and then leaped over onto her father. She somersaulted in the air and landed shoulders first onto her father before rolling smoothly onto her back on the bed. Bobby’s eyes shot open as B.J. hiked her father’s leg in the air for the pin. “One! Two!” Bobby kicked out.
B.J. rolled off the sleeper sofa, “Well my work is done. Go brush your teeth Dad. Sarah and Uncle Colt are taking us out for breakfast. I’m going to steal their shower to wash the funk off. You can have it when I’m done.”
“You know you didn’t pin me! That means you forfeit. So I win!” Bobby laughed. “And winners get to sleep in.” Bobby turned to put his head back down on the pillow.
B.J. jumped on the sleeper sofa as nimble as a cat. She grabbed both of her father’s arms and crossed them behind his back before straddling his back and trapping them in place, “Oh no! B.J. the Terrible is gonna unleash the Straightjacket crossface!” B.J. wrapped her hands around her father’s forehead and locked her fingers together before pulling backwards.
Bobby howled in pain as his daughter kept pulling back. With his arms trapped he couldn’t do anything but submit, “I give! I give! UNCLE!” As soon as she let go and rolled off he started howling with laughter. “Where’d you learn that one?”
“They had these midget wrestlers put on a show a few weeks back, and one of the managers did that to one of the wrestlers.” B.J. laughed.
Bobby shot up and stared at his daughter, “They had midget wrestling and you didn’t call?”
B.J. shrugged, “I tried but you never turn on your cell phone. I called Sarah, and she said you and Uncle Colt were doing something.”
Bobby pouted, “Did you try Colt’s phone?”
“Yes Dad. He didn’t answer either.”
Bobby was genuinely dejected, “So close to fulfilling my greatest non-sexual fantasy.”
“Do I even want to know what this is about?” Colton said as he rounded the corner with Sarah.
Bobby looked at his best friend. “We could have done it Colt!”
“Done what?” Colton asked suspiciously.
“We could have signed you up as a midget wrestler, and then I could have been your manager like the great Mouth of the South Jimmy Hart.” Bobby said sadly.
“I am not midget wrestling.” Colton growled.
“But it’d be perfect.” Bobby said, “I’d come in wearing a purple crushed velvet suit calling myself Willy Wonka, and you could come in painted orange with green hair and be the dreaded Oompa Loompa!”
“I am not dressing up like an Oompa Loompa.” Colton growled.
“Okay, well maybe I could wear a cape and have a mustache. That way I could call myself Coonass El Matador. Then you could come to the ring wearing giant bull horns and we’d call you Torito.” Bobby said.
Colton glared at his friend, “I am not calling myself little bull just so you can dress up like a matador.”
Bobby held up his hands, “Okay, my last offer. I dress like-“
“NO NO NO! I am not gonna dress up just so you can live out some weird wrestling fantasy.” Colton snapped. “I’m not gonna do midget wrestling.”
“But…midgets…and wrestling…and…and midget wrestling.” Bobby sputtered and just couldn’t seem to understand why his best friend wouldn’t want anything to do with it.
“No.” Colton only said the one word, but he made it clear that was the end of it.
Bobby stood there pouting, “Why?”
Colton sighed, “Bobby…I’m a forty-six year old man. That’s just too old for that kind of stupid.”
Bobby was inconsolable, “But we could have been the midget equivalent of Hulkamania.”
Colton looked at his friend and actually felt bad that he was disappointing the man. Colton sighed, “I’m not going to wrestle, but if you’ll quit pouting like a baby I might know something you’ll like even better.”
Bobby eyed his friend suspiciously, “Okay?”
Colton shook his head, “I can’t believe I’m going to do this.” Then he looked his friend in the eyes, “I know where a strip club for little people is.” Bobby made no response. In fact he just stood there frozen. The only hint that he’d even heard Colton was the huge grin. “Bobby?” Colton asked nervously. Bobby’s head actually started jerking a little to the right as though there was some sort of short circuit in the man’s brain. “Bobby? Buddy?”
“Midget…strippers?” Bobby spoke with all the hopefulness of a five year old child asking about Santa Claus.
Colton grinned, “Yeah. It’s a specialty club that caters to us little people. Now if you’ll quit moping I’ll take you there tonight.” Colton looked over to his wife, “If you don’t mind honey?”
Sarah looked at her husband, and then looked at Bobby. If the man had been a dog, the SPCA would have made a commercial about him, and Sarah Mclachlan would have supplied the soundtrack. Both earlobes were shot off, he still had two black eyes, and bruises all over his body. There was just no way around it. The man looked pitiful. “Okay, but try and be home by midnight.” Then she looked over to B.J. “Well I know you wanted some sleep, but how about a girl’s night out?”
B.J. grinned, “Oh heck yeah!” B.J. looked at her father, “And you better not come home drunk.”
“Yes mother.” Bobby said as he rolled his eyes.
B.J. got up in his face, “I mean it. I can put up with your snoring, and I can put up with the farting, but I am not going to share that bed with you passed out drunk covered in body glitter and smelling like tiny skanks. When you get home I expect you sober enough to take a shower. Are we clear?” Bobby nodded in agreement. “Good, we wasted enough time. We both need to get cleaned up for breakfast.”
***800 Decatur St***
“Oh God…that was delicious.” B.J. said before belching. “Oh…excuse me.”
Sarah grinned, “Hey in some cultures that’s a compliment.”
“Really?” B.J. asked.
“I have no idea, but it sounds good.” Sarah laughed.
All four of them sat at Café Du Monde finishing their breakfasts as they sat outside enjoying the cool, but not cold morning. B.J. smiled at all the horse drawn carriages. It was still early enough that they weren’t too busy, and so she got to watch them clip-clop around slowly as their drivers waited for people wanting a ride. “So Sarah, you really used to live around here?”
“Yes, when I was single I lived over in the Garden District on Carondelet Street near the Anshe Sfard synagogue.” Sarah smiled.
“Jew church? Did they do a lot of singing like in that fiddler movie?” Bobby asked, drawing the attention of several people at other tables.
Sarah grinned, “No Bobby. They aren’t running around singing like Fiddler on the Roof. They were all actually very nice people. They’re just like you or me.”
“Well maybe not just like me.” Bobby smiled and used one hand to mime scissors cutting off the tip of his other hand that was miming a penis. Bobby’s eyes focused on something down the street. He paled and looked terrified, “Oh shit.”
Sarah, Colton, and B.J. looked to see what Bobby was so afraid of, and then immediately tried to hide their faces. “Oh shit!” They all said in unison.
“FINE! I didn’t want to drink in your establishment anyway…FUCKER!” Bobby’s ex-wife screamed at the manager of Voodoo Harley Davidson. She was wearing a purple leopard print tube top that barely contained her sagging breasts that kept threatening to escape, and gold hot pants to go with her fishnets and spiked heels. It was a look that she might have actually been able to pull off when she was young, but age had caught up with her. Now she was starting to get soft around the middle, and fat was pooching out around the top of the hot pants. Years of smoking had changed her sexy pouting lips into something closer to snarling fish lips. It was clear by the way she carried herself that she still firmly believed that she looked exactly the way she did twenty years ago.
“Ma’am for the ninth time we don’t sell alcohol. We sell Harley Davidson clothing and accessories.” The manager said in a gentle but firm tone.
“FINE!” Sue screamed as she wobbled down the sidewalk with what could only be called the worst camel toe in the state.
“Jesus…Mom looks like a hooker.” B.J. whispered.
“Don’t talk about your mother like that.” Sarah said. “Whatever she is, does, or has done, she still gave birth to you. Don’t forget that.”
Colton peeked over his shoulder, and then cringed, “Oh shit! I think the camel toe winked at me.”
“Don’t talk about She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.” Bobby groaned as he tried to hide behind his drink.
B.J. giggled, “I can’t believe you just made a Harry Potter reference.”
“I read those damn books to you so much I’ll never get that shit out of my head. Now stop laughing because if your mother hears laughter then like all truly evil things she’ll feel instinctual need to find the source of that happiness and kill it.” Bobby warned.
“Oh look! There’s my traitorous daughter, the useless idiot she calls a father, and his two friends the bimbo and the fat midget freak.” Sue hissed.
B.J. started to respond, but Sarah put a hand on her shoulder and shook her head no. “Come on guys. I think this is our cue to leave now. Waiter! Check please.”
Sue sneered, “Oh! Always so classy. What’s wrong? Don’t want to lower yourself to my standards Miss High and Mighty.”
Sarah sighed and turned around, “We’re not going to do this. You can try all you want, but I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of an argument. I’m not going to give you the chance to feed into your drama. Have a nice day Sue. We’ll just pay our check and leave you to your wonderful day.”
The blonde growled at Sarah as her eyes filled with rage. “Sure. You can be classy. You’ve got money. You’ve got fame. You have that little fat freak you call a husband, you’ve got my husband, and now MY daughter. It’s easy to be classy when you have everything.”
“What are you talking about?” Sarah asked.
“Oh don’t play stupid. Do they both fuck you at once, or do they tag out when one gets done?” Sue spat.
Sarah gasped, she couldn’t even find the words to respond, but B.J. didn’t have any problems speaking up, “Jesus Mom, could you be any more tacky?”
Sue’s eyes locked on her daughter. “Why I ever listened to that idiot is beyond me.” Sue hissed as she pointed at Bobby. “I should have-“
“Sue…please don’t.” Bobby begged.
“Don’t what?” B.J. asked, “What was she going to say?”
A wicked smile curled across Sue’s face, “I never wanted you.” B.J. recoiled as though she were slapped, and seeing that just egged Sue on, “I only slept with your real father because I thought it would teach this loser a lesson. Then I end up pregnant, and he begged…BEGGED me not to give you up. Now look at you. I carry you nine months and how do you repay me. You help him to steal my home out from under me. I should have aborted you when I had the chance.”
“You’re a monster.” B.J. sobbed. Sarah pulled her into a protective hug.
Sue growled, “Sure, go to her. Like I said, you have my husband, and now you have my daughter. I hope you’re proud.”
“I still don’t know what that means. I don’t know why you are angry with all of us. You’re the one that wanted to sleep around. Where is the guy you left with anyway?” Sarah asked.
“He wasn’t man enough for me!” Sue spat, “So I dumped him a couple of days ago.” Sue kept pushing in on them. She wouldn’t stop yelling and screaming. Some of it was that she’d been drinking since last night and hadn’t stopped, but a lot of it was just her normal behavior.
The manager walked over, “Is there a problem?”
“No we were just leaving. Could we get our check?” Sarah asked politely.
“Of course ma’am.” The manager said politely.
The manager went away and quickly and came back. After paying Sarah led Bobby, Colton and B.J. to the car. Sue followed them ranting and raving. Colton tried to turn around and tell her off twice, but Sarah grabbed her husband and pushed him to the car. Bobby didn’t have to be persuaded. He was in full retreat.
As soon as Sarah had the others in the car she went to the driver’s side. Sue leaned against the door. “Where do you think you’re going skank?”
Sarah took a steadying breath. “You can say what you want. I’m not biting.”
“You always did think you were better than me…didn’t you bitch?” Sue spat. Sarah just shook her head and reached for the door handle. Sue’s hand, complete with fake nails that didn’t quite fit right, closed around Sarah’s wrist, “That’s right. You aren’t better than me because for all your money, and your education, and your fame…you still can’t do something as simple as get pregnant.” Sarah gasped in surprise. “ What…don’t you think after all these years I couldn’t figure out your ovaries are as dried out as two raisins. That’s why you’re just Sally Homemaker. You’re overcompensating for the one thing you can’t do…be a mother.”
“Take your hand off me.” Sarah’s voice turned icy cold.
“Oh…did I touch a nerve?” Sue said triumphantly. “Now maybe you know what I felt like when you stole my husband you slut.”
“I didn’t steal your husband. We don’t even see each other like that.” Sarah groaned.
“You’re really that blind?” Sue laughed sarcastically. “That loser in there has been fantasizing about you since you first showed up.”
“You’re crazy!” Sarah hissed.
“Please! Even you can’t be that dense. I lived with that bastard for years. You think I don’t know my husband sniffs around you like a dog looking for a bitch in heat. I’m just wondering when you two finally gave in.”
“We’ve never. I’m happily married to my husband. Bobby is just a friend. WE aren’t like that. Now let go of my wrist, or YOU are about to have a problem.”
Sue let go of the woman’s wrist, “Oh my God. You two really haven’t been fucking. Wow…Bobby is even a bigger pathetic loser than I ever thought. To think that loser’s been in love with you all these years and hasn’t even tried to kiss you. What a gutless coward. I lost my husband to you, and he wasn’t even man enough to try to fuck you. That is just too pathetic for words.”
Sarah was about to respond when Bobby rolled down the window a crack, “You didn’t lose me to Sarah. You lost me when you started fucking everything that moved. You lost me when you held B.J. over my head and threatened to take her away if I ever did anything you didn’t like. You lost me when you treated my daughter like crap.”
“She’s not you daughter…loser.” Sue grinned maliciously.
“Yes she is. I raised her. I changed her diapers. I fed her. I stayed up late helping her with her homework. I went to all her school functions. The volleyball games, the school plays, chaperoning school dances, I even bought her first bra, and tampons. Meanwhile outside of squatting her out, you haven’t done one motherly thing in your entire Goddamn life. Shit you even let your boyfriends suck your titty milk after you got pregnant instead of letting B.J. have it. Don’t act like it isn’t true. Shit I remember having to buy the formula. The only redeeming quality you ever had calls me Daddy. In damn near every way that counts I’m more a parent to B.J. than you are. Now go off and be happy ruining some other man’s life, and leave us all alone before I step out of this car give you the beating you’ve earned ten times over. I have never hit a woman, but I promise you that if you don’t back the fuck off I’m going to make an exception. I’ll beat you, and to be honest I’m a little afraid that after all these years I won’t stop beating you until you’re dead.” Bobby’s face was angry and filled with raw hate.
Sue actually stepped back. She’d never seen her ex-husband so serious. Sarah opened her door and stepped into her car. She started the engine and that’s when Sue snapped out of it. Her face twisted with rage, and she slammed against the door. She wasn’t even forming coherent sentences. The woman just began beating on the car door and screaming a string of curse words and incoherent babble that had them all scared inside.
“GO! GO! GO!” B.J., Bobby, and Colton screamed at Sarah. Sarah drove her foot down with every ounce of strength she could muster. The gas pedal smacked the floorboard, and the car roared to life. The car peeled out just as Sue’s fist went through the window. She reached for Bobby’s face, but then the car sped off leaving some cuts down her arm from the shattered glass.
“I’m going to kill you Bobby Mullins!” Sue screamed.
“Bobby…you married one crazy bitch!” Colton spat.
“Why did you ever marry mom anyway?” B.J. asked.
Bobby blushed, “Your momma was a real looker when she was younger. Sure we all knew she was crazy, but it really wasn’t like I could throw any stones. By the time I figured out that she also had all that evil bitch in her it was too late. I was standing at the alter and I was too damn scared of her to call it off.”
Colton shook his head, “I don’t get it. Sure, your ex-wife is…well there’s no other way to say it. She’ a cunt.” Colton looked at B.J., “Sorry. I know I probably shouldn’t say that in front of you but-“
“No… I think cunt is probably one of the nicer ways to describe my mother.” B.J. said with tears still running down her face.
Colton nodded and looked back to Bobby, “So how is it that you can fight off a zombie horde without the slightest hesitation, but you’re terrified of that woman back there.”
“The zombies just want to eat my brains, but that bitch back there wants to swallow my soul.” Bobby said without even the slightest hint he might have been joking.
Sue watched the car drive off, “I’ll get you Bobby Mullins. I’ll get all of you.”
“All my friends know this armadillo. This armadillo is a little fighter. Armadillo runs a little slower. Armadillo is a real goer. Doo-Da-Dada-Doo, Da-Doodoo-Do-Do!” Digger sang along to “Lowrider”, but he felt the need to “improve” it by changing the lyrics to suit his armadillo sensibilities. Jessup had been driving with him for three days. In that time they’d come to an understanding. If Jessup left it on the classic rock station, Digger wouldn’t shit in the passenger seat out of protest. The little albino armadillo loved music. He even had told Jessup it was the one thing keeping humans from being “complete assholes.”
Jessup was getting tired and hungry. He’d driven to LSU to see the damage, but they had that all under control by the time he showed up. There wasn’t any sign of the Danior there. Sadly it had just been a wild goose chase. Then they went driving on Louisiana 16 and looked for any sign of Danior. Jessup couldn’t find anything, but Digger swore he could smell “that goatfucker”, and that meant they were getting closer. They followed it for a few miles until a light rain came through and washed away the scent. Eventually they gave up and headed back home. Given enough time Jessup was pretty sure Danior and the others would pop up again.
“Let me just rip. Let me just rip. Let me just rip your seat. Let me just slip. Let me just slip. Let me just slip in your heinie. Doo-Da-Dada-Doo, Da-Doodoo-Do-Do!” Digger’s armored tail swished back and forth with joy.
It was when they saw on the news about the rash of missing persons in New Orleans that Jessup and Digger realized where they needed to go next. Jessup wanted to drive straight to New Orleans, but Digger had demanded they use Louisiana 16 to get there. He was sure that the only way to find them was for the two of them to drive there from the last spot Digger had caught their scent. Whenever Jessup tried to explain that it would take longer, Digger refused to listen. At the end he even resorted to peeing on Jessup every time he tried to explain. So they drove down Highway 12 towards Louisiana 16.
Jessup’s stomach rumbled as he saw the McDonalds. He hadn’t eaten much since the zombie woman and girl. He nibbled on a couple policemen in Baton Rouge, but that was more due to having to change to heal up enough to drive. His motor skills had degraded by then to the point he was swerving all over the road. If Jessup wanted to drive then he had to change every day to counteract the rotting away of his body. Plus Digger wouldn’t ride with him after he started rotting to the point that the odor became too strong. “You hungry?” He asked the little armadillo as he turned onto the off ramp at Walker South Road to grab a bite before getting back onto Highway 12 to head down to Louisiana 16.
“Shit yeah!” Digger answered as they turned into the drive through.
“Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?” Margarita Sanchez’ voice said over the speaker.
Jessup pulled out his wallet. “Shit I’m almost out of cash. Thank God for the dollar menu.” He muttered before turning to the speaker, “I’d like a McDouble, a sweet tea, and a vanilla cone.”
“Thank you, drive around.” The woman said glumly.
“Wow, she sounds miserable.” Jessup grunted.
“Wouldn’t you if all you did all day was listen to people debate the lifelong question about whether they really want fries with that or not? Frankly it’s a miracle more of them don’t just snap and kill us all.” Digger’s voice echoed in Jessup’s head.
Jessup pulled to the window and held out a five. He got his food and pulled into a parking place. “Here, just don’t bite me. I need my fingers.” Jessup said as he held out the vanilla ice cream cone.
Digger gave a tentative slurp with his sticky tongue. “It’s cold, but good.”
Jessup watched as the little armadillo ate the cone in greedy bites. “Jesus dude…slow down or you’ll give yourself an ice cream headache.”
Digger kept biting into the cone, “Not gonna happen. Because unlike you asshole humans, us armadillos aren’t complete pussies…ow-ow-OW-OW-OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUCH!” Digger rolled and flopped around in the passenger seat. “Oh dear God make it stop! It’s like ants are right between my eyes and gnawing their way into my brain. Make it stop!”
Jessup pulled the cone away, “Just ride it out Digger. It won’t last long.”
The little armadillo flopped around a while longer before coming to a stop, “Shit! You assholes are a lot tougher than I gave you credit if you can handle that.”
“You won’t get ice cream headache if you eat more slowly.” Jessup held the cone out for the armadillo, and he took a few tentative licks before he was back to eating the cone. “See…now isn’t that easier?”
Digger stopped and looked at the man, “Thank you Jessup.” Digger said calmly. “You know these last two days…I just don’t want to bite the crap out of you like I did when we first met.”
“Yeah, I kind of like you too…you ugly little football.” Jessup grinned.
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I never said I liked you. I just said I don’t want to bite the crap out of you. Just because I don’t want to use your skull as my own toilet doesn’t make us friends.” Digger voice dripped with irritation in Jessup’s head.
“Oh come on little guy. We’ve been driving each other crazy for days now. We might as well try to be friends. We could be searching for this guy for days, maybe even weeks down there. Can we at least try to like one another?”
Digger was still licking his cone, “Oh…I’m sorry. Were you saying something?”
Jessup rolled his eyes and groaned, “Why am I even doing this?”
“Because the moment you stop helping me I’m going to climb so far up your ass that you won’t know whether to shit or vomit.” Digger answered matter-of-factly. Jessup held out the last of the cone and watched as the armadillo gobbled down the last two bites.
“You know I really don’t have to put up with your crap.” Jessup grumbled.
“Yes you do! I will fuck you up!” Digger growled. Jessup rolled his eyes and grabbed digger by the tail. He lifted him up and dangled him out the window. “Put me down!” Every time Digger tried to curl up to bite Jessup, the man would shake the armadillo back down. “I’ll change!” Digger screamed.
“So will I, and then you’ll be right back where you started.” Jessup answered.
“You have to put me down eventually.” Digger threatened.
“OR...I can step out of the truck, change, punt you, and then drive off. So how about you tone your bullshit down some before you actually piss me off.”
“Fucking humans with your damn arms and thumbs! You just think you can do whatever you want to me and my kind!” Digger kept screaming and jerking in all directions, but Jessup just hummed and shook him back down every time he tried to bite him. Eventually the armadillo stopped fighting, “Can you please pull me back in? This is embarrassing.”
“Are you done?” Jessup asked.
Digger sighed, “Yeah…yeah I’m done.” The armadillo sounded so sad and dejected that Jessup actually felt bad about hanging him out the window.
“Hey, for what it’s worth…I’m sorry I bit you.”
“You’re damn right you are.” Digger said with calm determination. “Okay. As much as it irritates the shit out of me, I suppose we could try and get along. You can be my sidekick…The Asshole Amigo.”
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! If anyone is going to be anybody’s sidekick then YOU are going to be my sidekick.” Jessup snapped.
“I can’t be the sidekick. I’m the one out for REVENGE!”
“What do you say about us being partners instead?” Jessup asked.
“Sure…call yourself whatever you want. Whatever helps you sleep at night...Asshole Amigo.” Digger chuckled.
Jessup shrugged and accepted it as the closest they’d come to an understanding. He took a sip. “Gah!”
“What?” Digger asked.
“No sugar. Wait here and I’ll be right back. I need them to give me a refill. I asked for sweet tea, and they gave me this crap.” Jessup stepped out and walked towards the McDonalds.
“Fuck you! I’m not a dog. I go wherever the fuck I want to go.” Digger jumped out the window, and splatted on the ground. “Okay…I admit there was a flaw in my escape plan, but my argument still stands.” Digger shook himself off and trotted after Jessup.
“They aren’t going to let you in.” Jessup groaned.
“What…like they get a vote?” Digger countered. Rather than argue the point, Jessup just kept walking. He pushed through the glass door and stepped inside. Digger followed right behind him. The glass door hit the armadillo as it closed. “Hey! Would it hurt for you to hold the door for a half-second so I can get in? Fucker! You’re the worst sidekick ever Asshole Amigo.”
“Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!” Jessup sighed in frustration. He moved to the register, “Excuse me? There’s something wrong with my tea.”
“They were here! I can smell them everywhere.” Digger screamed.
“Let me get you another sir.” Margarita Sanchez mumbled. She looked as though she hadn’t slept in days.
Jessup took a closer look. Several of the employees were in various states of decomposition. Maggots were crawling all over the fry cook. When Margarita came back with another tea, she plopped it down in front of the man and turned to the drive thru to handle the next customer. “Hey?” Jessup asked.
Margarita groaned and plodded back towards him, “How can I help you sir?”
Jessup said, “You’re like me aren’t you?” Then Jessup held up his hand and let her see the bones shifting under the skin.
Margarita’s eyes got wide with fear, “What are you going to do to us?”
Jessup tried to calm the woman down, “Nothing. We just want to know where the guy that did this went.”
“We?” Margarita asked hopefully. “You mean there are more of you?” Jessup gestured to Digger, and her face fell, “That’s an armadillo.”
“No shit. Wow she’s a fucking genius. I’d crawl up your ass, but I’m afraid something already beat me there.” Digger growled. He even started bouncing up and down and grunting.
“Oh well isn’t he cute.” Margarita said weakly, completely unaware that the tiny armadillo was cursing at her with ever increasing intensity.
“Cute! CUTE! I wish I had arms so I could slap the stupid off you!” Digger screamed.
“Digger…chill. We need them to tell us where Danior is.” Jessup said to the angry armadillo.
Margarita looked at Jessup, “You can’t hear him?”
Jessup shrugged, “Nope, I can’t hear Danior, but I can hear Digger over there.”
Margarita looked at the man as though he were crazy, but then shrugged. “He’s in New Orleans, but by now he’s got close to five hundred of us. They’ll kill you before you ever get near him.” She then stopped to take a sack of food to the drive-thru.
Danior stepped around the counter and saw them all. The black man grimaced as one of the other employees cut another chunk of meat from his body to make a quarter-pounder. “Jesus…you guys know there is no way McDonalds is okay with this. I mean I’m pretty sure there’s got to be a no cannibalism policy somewhere...it’s probably right after the old no allowing children to climb up inside Mayor McCheese to take a shit policy, or the more recent no pissing in the ball pits.”
Margarita put a hand on Danior’s shoulder, “The master makes us do this. He commanded us to work. He told us to infect everyone that ordered food so he’d have as many of us down there as possible. We’ve been working nonstop for days now. Most of us are too tired to even change to heal ourselves.”
“Well why don’t you just leave?” Jessup asked.
“We can’t. We can’t leave. We can’t sleep. All we can do is work. We’d kill ourselves if we could, but he ordered us not to.” Margarita started crying, but instead of clear watery tears green puss oozed out. “We’re in hell. Please…if you can just put us out of our misery then do it.”
“I’ll do it! Tell these motherfuckers to line up and I’ll give them a colon cleanse they’ll never forget.” Digger grunted with enthusiasm.
“Digger…can you try to be a little nicer?” Jessup said before turning his attention back to the young woman, “I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but how exactly do I kill you?”
“Silver. Paulie the fry cook had some silver rings on and when he changed the rings cut right through his hands. They healed back up when he changed, but the master ordered us to stay away from the silver. If you kill us then we can finally rest.” Margarita said, and the others nodded.
“Well how am I supposed to pick them up if it burns through us like you say it does?” Jessup questioned.
“He kicked them down a drain. We were hoping maybe you’d be able to go get some silver and come back to kill us.” Margarita begged.
“I don’t have anything like that. I guess I could steal some, is there any other way?” Jessup asked.
Margarita thought for a while and then looked at the man with a sad determination, “We ate a trucker earlier. That big gas tanker out there is probably full. If you ran the hose in here and then turned it on…”
Jessup nodded, “It’s going to hurt.”
“I handle the pain, but I can’t live with what I’ve become. None of us can. We’ve eaten people. We ate kids. The messed up part is that we know what we’re doing is wrong, but we just can’t stop ourselves, and once we start it just feels so right. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be a monster.” Margarita wrapped her arms around Jessup and started crying again.
Jessup sighed, “Okay.”
Margarita stepped back wiping the puss from her eyes. “Thank you.”
Margarita told him everything she knew about how to find Danior, handed him the keys to the eighteen-wheeler, and then led Jessup to the door. She stopped at the door almost as if there was an invisible wall keeping her there. Jessup walked through the doors and climbed into the eighteen-wheeler. It started easy enough, but getting it to pull up to the door was hard. It kept stalling out on him. When he finally pulled up to the entrance Jessup got out, and immediately started running the hose into the building.
Margarita, Urhiness, and all the others actually cheered him on.
“Wait!” Digger screamed.
“What?” Jessup asked.
“Before we go…can you get me some more ice cream?” Digger asked almost kindly.
“Sure thing.” Jessup picked Digger up by his tail.
“Hey what the fuck man? Go easy on the tail. It’s attached you know.” Digger grumbled, but Jessup just ignored him. He walked over to the soft-serve ice cream machine. Opened the top, and dropped the little armadillo in. “You son of a bitch!” Digger screamed. “If this wasn’t so deliciously good I’d climb out of here and kick your ass!” Digger rooted around in the frozen treat, and gobbled up as much as he could before another ice cream headache stabbed him in the brain. “OW-OW-OW-OUCH! Jessup you asshole! Get me out of here! It’s-OW-freezing-OW-in-OW-here!”
The armadillo grunted and squealed as one ice cream headache after another rolled through him. Margarita asked, “Is he okay?”
“Sure…he’ll be fine. He just loves ice cream.” Jessup smiled. “I’m pretty sure he wants to finish off the rest of it before we pull him out.”
“You mother-OW-fucker!” Digger bellowed.
“Yeah…he’ll only be like maybe a half-hour if you guys don’t mind? In the meantime…” Jessup turned and smiled at Margarita, “What do you say about maybe us going in the bathroom and celebrating the last half hour of your life?”
***Three Minutes Later***
“I swear…that’s never happened before.” Jessup said as he zipped up. “I’m not really a three-pump-chump. I swear.”
Margarita sighed as she felt him running out between her thighs, “That’s okay…I really wasn’t that interested anyway. I just wanted to thank you for putting a stop to all this.”
Jessup helped her up to her feet, and they moved to the door before Jessup stopped. “Hey, do you think we could at least wait here a few minutes so I don’t look completely pathetic out there?”
Margarita laughed, “We’re only going to live a few more minutes anyway, and you’re worried what the other guys might think about your performance.” Jessup just stared back at her. He was still waiting to see if she’d agree to waiting a couple minutes so he could save face. Margarita laughed and shook her head, “Men…okay. I’ll wait.”
“Thank you.” Jessup smiled and kissed her.
***Fifteen Minutes Later***
Margarita and Jessup walked out. “Was it good for you baby?” Jessup asked as he walked out in front of the other guys still working at the McDonalds.
Margarita fought the urge to laugh, “Oh yeah baby…it was the best. I can barely walk. It’s a good time to die because you’ve ruined me for all other men.”
Jessup puffed out his chest and walked proudly to the soft-serve ice cream. He reached in the top and pulled out a half-frozen armadillo. “Y-Y-YOU F-F-F-F-UCKER!”
“Come on Digger. We have to put our friends out of their misery and then it’s off to New Orleans.” Jessup turned and walked towards the door. He stopped next to Margarita and kissed her on the head, “I’m sorry about what he did to you. If it helps any just know I’m going to kill that bastard.”
Margarita smiled, but her eyes said she didn’t believe he’d make it, “Thank you.”
Jessup and a shivering Digger made it outside. He turned the gas on and waited for it to start filling up the inside of the building. A few minutes into it, Margarita realized the drains in the floor were keeping the gas from building up. “Plug those holes boys. We don’t want this to just slow roast us.”
As soon as the drains were plugged the gas began to fill the building. Some of the others started blocking the exits with towels and hamburger buns to keep the fuel from running out. Twenty minutes later, and the gas was standing up to their ankles. Margarita walked to the glass, and tapped on it, “You need to get out of here. This place is going to explode.”
Jessup walked over and put his hand on the glass opposite hers, “I really am sorry.”
Margarita leaned in to kiss the glass, and Jessup met her lips on the other side. Then he walked towards his truck. Green tears filled with puss ran down his cheeks. Digger followed him. They got into the truck and he slammed it into first, and tore off for New Orleans.
“Well Asshole…what now?” Digger grumbled while he was still thawing.
“REVENGE!” Jessup growled, and everything in his face said the man was out for blood.
“Well shit…now you’re talking my language Jessup. I think I’m starting to like you more already. REVENGE!” Digger screamed.
“REVENGE!” Jessup answered, and just then they heard what sounded like a thunderclap. Black smoke rose up behind them, and tears ran down Jessup’s face. “REVENGE!”
When they arrived in New Orleans Jessup and Digger stopped the truck at 2700 S Broad St. The truck parked right in front of a mural with a giant rainbow that stretched across the Bohn Motor Company building. The whole neighborhood was mostly empty. No kids were playing. No old people were sitting on their porches. It as if everyone went on vacation. The truth was that almost everyone in this part of town was either changed by Danior, or food by now. It took a lot of food to fill the stomachs of almost five hundred werewolves. It was getting harder every day. Soon he’d have to release them on the French Quarter and the rest of the city. Keeping it all a secret was almost impossible by now. The cemeteries were being used nightly as feeding grounds. Danior had started using Johanna and her misfit monsters to go into public buildings like police stations and fire. Officers were almost always willing to be extra patient with the handicapped. It was part of their training, and so Danior used it to get tours of the police stations. Most of the New Orleans PD was either dead or converted, and half the fire stations were filled with hungry zombie werewolves. They operated as though nothing was wrong, and waited for their master to give the orders. The city was already practically his for the taking. The uninfected just didn’t realize it yet.
Digger got out of the truck, caught Danior’s scent in the air, and started running. “REVENGE!”
“Digger! You come here when I call you! Digger!” Jessup screamed.
“REVENGE!” Digger bellowed as he rounded Cajun Seafood on the corner of Washington and South Broad Street.
Unfortunately for Jessup at exactly the moment he was screaming for his little albino armadillo, Samuel Davis and his friends were walking out of Cajun Seafood. “What did he call me?” Samuel snapped.
“I believe the young man called you a Nigger.” Marvin Green answered.
“I believe the young man needs a foot broken off in his ass.” Luther Reed said from his wheelchair.
“Better not be you Luther…you only got one.” Thurgood Black joked as he pushed his friend out towards the road.
“Not N…not that word. I said Digger…not N…that word!” Jessup said nervously.
“What’s a Digger?” Samuel said patting his potbelly as he digested his meal.
“It’s a little armadillo.” Jessup answered.
“Armadillo?” Thurgood questioned. His big afro wafted in the breeze.
“That’s what he said.” Marvin Green said as he wiped the crumbs off his walrus mustache.
Luther made Thurgood push him up even closer, “Boy…call us names if you want, but don’t just lie to us. Shit. At least have the decency to own up to it. I didn’t lose this leg in the war just to have some little cracker like you insult my friend and then make up bullshit like that.”
Thurgood laughed, “Luther…you lying bastard. You didn’t lose that leg in no war…unless it was a war with cake. Can you believe this Marvin…MARVIN! Can you believe Luther here is trying to tell Cornbread here that he lost his leg in the war.”
“I think he was trying to teach the young man a lesson.” Marvin answered.
“So he’s gonna tell him about not lying, by lying about how he got his leg cut off. That don’t make no damn sense to me.” Thurgood snapped. “What’s wrong with just telling the truth. Ain’t nothing to be ashamed of in saying Luther lost his leg to the diabetes.”
“Thurgood…shut up for a moment. We’re trying to deal with something serious for a minute.” Samuel snapped.
“Oh please. If the boy ain’t got the sack to admit he called you a nigger to your face then what’s the point.” Thurgood responded.
“I didn’t call him a n…that! I was trying to call my armadillo back. His name is Digger.” Jessup tried to explain, but the more he said it the less they believed him.
“Okay Cornbread…I’ll tell you what. You just say you’re sorry, and we all go our separate ways.” Samuel said in a last ditch attempt at keeping things peaceful.
As irritated as Samuel and his friends were getting that Jessup wouldn’t admit what he’d done, Jessup was getting just as mad that they wouldn’t believe him. “Now listen one last time old man…I said Digger! Not n…that word.”
“Old Man!” Samuel growled, “I’m not too old to whip your pasty ass boy.”
“What is wrong with you people?” Jessup groaned.
“You people!” Samuel and his friends all said as they bowed up in anger.
Jessup put his hands up to try and calm them down. “I don’t mean YOU PEOPLE! I mean you people. The four of you, not all black people everywhere.”
“Oh we know exactly what you meant.” Luther said.
“No I don’t think you do.” Jessup answered.
“Oh! So now I’m too stupid to understand basic English. Boy I ought to climb up out this chair…hop over there…and kick your ass!” Luther snapped.
“I’d pay good money to see that.” Thurgood laughed.
“If I did get out this chair it’d be to kick your ass first.” Luther snapped.
“So is there gonna be an apology or what?” Samuel growled.
“I’m not apologizing for something I didn’t do.” Jessup growled back. Both men were nose to nose.
“Kick his ass Sammy!” Luther cheered. “We didn’t march in Selma just to put up with crap like this.”
Marvin looked at his wheelchair bound friend, “Your wrinkled old ass didn’t march in Selma.”
“Well I dated a girl named Selma back in 1968…cute little Venezuelan girl with an ass so big you could use it like a shelf. That’s good enough as far as I’m concerned.” Luther smiled as his friends shook their heads in disbelief.
“You’re really not helping.” Samuel said before turning his head back to Jessup. “So apologize, and we won’t kick your lily white ass from here to the pumping station down the street.”
Jessup leaned in, “How about this. I didn’t say that word you think I said. So go fuck yourself, and if you can’t understand that then bring it on. I’ll be perfectly happy shoving your friend’s giant afro up your ass.”
Samuel swung. Jessup ducked and punched the older man in the kidney. He hit him so hard that Samuel urinated himself. “Damn Sammy…boy done made you piss yourself.” Luther howled.
Marvin and Thurgood grabbed Jessup. They started punching him, but he barely noticed. Jessup reached up and grabbed Marvin’s mustache and gave a hard yank. The man screamed and covered his upper lip with both hands as blood ran down his face. “Damn Marvin! Don’t take that shit from that boy!” Luther tried to egg his friends on. He even wheeled himself at Jessup. Luther raised his one leg up and rammed Jessup in the balls with his size thirteen.
Jessup covered himself and bent over, and that’s when Luther’s friends started pounding on him again. Finally, Jessup couldn’t take anymore. He grabbed Samuel’s pants and yanked them down. He then kicked the man in the stomach to force him to bend over. Then he grabbed Thurgood by the back of his head, and in one swift move he rammed the man’s head firmly up the other man’s ass.
“GAWD…DAAAAAYUUUMN!” Luther screamed in shock.
Samuel fell to his knees screaming. His pelvis was shattered, and Thurgood was wedged in so deep the man couldn’t breathe. His nose was broken, and his lower lip and both ears were torn off from the force of the entry. All he could do was put both hands on each of Samuel’s ass cheeks and try to push his head out of the hole. Marvin got behind Thurgood and tried to help pull him out, but that proved to be a mistake. Jessup grabbed the man and rammed his head into Thurgood’s ass. He didn’t even bother to remove the pants this time. The material on his pants tore as Marvin’s big bald head was crammed way up inside the other man. His ears also tore away, and his nose was crushed flat against his face.
Jessup was so angry that he nearly changed. The bones and muscles shifted under his skin for a moment. “What are you?” Luther asked. He was so afraid that if he actually had two legs the knees would be knocking together at this very moment.
At that moment Digger came back around the corner, “Hey asshole! Are you going to get moving or…what the fuck are you doing?”
“What the hell is that thing?” Luther screamed.
“That is Digger…D-I-G-G-E-R. The albino armadillo…bet you assholes are feeling pretty stupid now aren’t you.” Jessup grinned maliciously.
“Can you believe this shit? Samuel? Cornbread here was telling the truth the whole time.” Luther sputtered as he leaned forward and tried to wheel away past his friends. He almost got away when Samuel grabbed the man’s wheel hoping desperately for help. “Let go Sammy! Dammit I said let go!” Samuel didn’t respond, and instead just kept screaming in agony. The two other men’s screams were muffled by internal organs.
“P-p-please…just let me go. Whatever you and that thing are…we didn’t mean no harm. It’s just a big misunderstanding.” Luther begged nervously.
“Normally I’d say it’s all good and we’d all go our separate ways.” Jessup said with barely restrained anger. “So far this week has been significantly fucked up, and I’m not expecting it to get any better.” As Jessup looked down at Samuel and Samuel’s two suffocating friends, he laughed coldly, “You heard of the Human Centipede? I think I just made the Black Caterpillar.”
“Hey whatever man…just let us go okay.” Luther begged.
“Last week I’d have said sure, but after this week…no.” He then looked at Digger. “Hey Digger! Come get some!”
Digger hit Marvin’s ass at fifty miles per hour. He ripped through the pants, and kept digging his way up through the man. When he reached Marvin’s heart, Marvin collapsed drawing an agonized scream from Luther as the full weight of his friend was now dangling from Luther’s butthole. Digger kept going. Every now and then one of Digger’s claws would cut through the skin showing his exact location, but otherwise the only sign Digger was progressing was the large lump moving up from Marvin into Thurgood, and of course the torrent of blood and shit exiting the gaping hole Digger left in his wake. When he reached Luther’s heart, and the second man also collapsed.
“Luther! Jesus help me!” Samuel pleaded. Luther could only watch in horror as the lump moved from Thurgood into Samuel. Digger was getting greedy and instead of making a slow progress through the man’s body, he began lunging up into the man. He reached the heart on his second lunge. Then the man Luther called his friend for twenty-eight years, the man who stood beside Luther on his wedding day, the man that helped carry Luther’s wife’s casket four years ago...fell to the ground dead.
“Oh Sammy.” Tears ran down Luther’s face. He then turned back to Jessup. “You son of a bitch! I hope you rot in hell!”
“I’m already there.” Jessup said before he kicked the man’s chair over. “I just didn’t expect to have so much company.”
Digger lunged forward and popped out of Samuel’s neck. He squirmed and wriggled, but eventually slipped out in one bloody mess. He turned and started eating through the man’s skull. He was so worked up from it all that he changed right there in front of Luther’s face. “Holy shit!” Luther screamed and started crawling away from Digger. He could have made better time if he’d had turned over and started crawling away like a normal person, instead he did a modified crabwalk away so that he wouldn’t have his ass exposed to the little armadillo. When Digger finally finished changing he made short work of Samuel’s brain.
“That isn’t an armadillo…armadillo’s don’t do that. That’s got to be one of those Pokemon things I hear my grandkids talking about. That’s a fucking Pikachu!” Luther screamed in terror.
Unfortunately Digger was listening, “Pikachu? What the fuck’s a Pikachu? Let’s get it straight here! I’m one-hundred percent grade-A nine banded armadillo from Texas.”
Digger hopped up and down cursing and screaming in a rage-filled tirade. All Luther heard was the grunts and squeals, but even he could tell the armadillo was pissed. Luther turned over in a panic and started crawling away faster.
“Okay Jessup the Asshole…pick me up like a good sidekick, and roll me at that jackass.” Digger said.
Jessup tried to pick up the armadillo, but he was too unwieldy to lift up like a ball, and he couldn’t even roll up completely. At best he formed a horseshoe shape. At first Jessup couldn’t think of any way to roll the large angry albino zombie werewolf armadillo, but then it came to him. Jessup grabbed Digger’s tail and swung him like he was doing a hammer toss. When he released Digger, the armadillo tried his best to form a ball. Instead he just bounced down the sidewalk willy-nilly before pouncing on top of Luther. Flesh and blood sprayed everywhere as the armadillo ravaged the man’s insides. Within minutes the man was dead, and Digger was happily chewing his fourth brain in ten minutes. “Pikachu my ass!” Digger grumbled as he took another bite. His weremadillo features were already sloughing off his body.
“Okay so why did I have to toss you after him?” Jessup asked.
“Teamwork. If you’re going to be my sidekick I need to know you’ll follow orders. Good job Asshole Amigo.” Digger said matter-of-factly.
“I am not your sidekick. We’re partners…and stop calling me Asshole Amigo!”
“Fine…good job Anal Boy.” Digger responded.
“Don’t call be that either…Jesus.”
“The Sphincter Specter?”
“Shit that’s even worse. Can I just be Jessup.”
Digger seemed to contemplate it for a moment, “Fine…you’re Jessup.”
“Thank God.” Jessup sighed with relief.
“The Ass-Goblin of Death!” Digger said with a snicker. Jessup started chasing the armadillo. “SHIT! SERPENTINE MOTION! SERPENTINE MOTION!” The man chased the zombie weremadillo around the bus stop, around the telephone pole twice and then back around the bus stop before he gave up.
“We can’t just keep running around like this. We need to find that asshole and kill him.” Jessup said.
“Revenge!” Digger screamed as he started running off to track down Danior.
There was a wicked gleam of pure malevolence in Jessup’s eye as he snarled, “REVENGE!”
Sarah handed Bobby two low fat low calorie snack cakes and whispered, “If Colton starts eyeing sweets give him one of these, and remember this is our secret.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ll tell him I got them back when we stopped at that gas station on the way in.” Bobby answered quietly. Bobby slipped the snack cakes into the pocket of his jacket and then walked off to find B.J. She’d just finished up her makeup and was walking out of the bathroom. “There’s my little girl…looking beautiful as always.”
“Thanks Dad.” B.J. smiled. “Are you and Colton going to be okay?”
Bobby rolled his eyes, “You know as surprising as this sounds, Colton and I did actually do stuff before you were born.”
“I know that.”
Bobby was about to rub it in a bit about being a grown man, and being able to handle himself when he saw his reflection in the mirror. He barely recognized the man looking back at him. Bruising caused the two crazy blue eyes to look even more sunken into the head of the man staring back. Even Bobby could tell that he was a man easily ten to fifteen pounds underweight. His shirt was still open under the jacket, and the tattoo of the raccoon was staring out from between the cloth. A missing pinky, and two missing earlobes that had only just begun to heal didn’t exactly scream sophistication. To top it off he had a blonde crew cut did nothing to soften his features. “B.J. do you think…I mean…would it be better if I…” Bobby sighed with resignation, “I’m just a complete mess.”
B.J. hugged her father, “Dad…what’s gotten into you lately?”
Bobby sat down in a chair and started buttoning his shirt. “I just watch all of you, and I really just don’t fit in. You’re going to college, and you’ll be this big successful science person, and I still don’t even understand how popcorn works.” B.J. started to speak, but Colton put a hand up to stop her, “I’m so proud of you. You’re an amazing daughter. I just worry a lot that when you start to make it big that I’ll be like an anchor holding you back. It’s like Sarah and Colton. Did you know those two snorkeled, skied, and did all kinds of other shit when they go on vacation?”
“Yeah, I mean that’s what vacations are for.”
“I didn’t…hell it’s like they have a whole second life that I’m not part of. I know it sounds weird, and it’s not that I’m jealous or anything, but you’d have thought if they were having that much fun they might have at least told me about it.”
B.J. shook her head, “They didn’t tell you because Uncle Colt hated most of the vacations. They went skiing, and he couldn’t ride anything more than the bunny slopes so five year old girls were picking on him as they zipped past him. The snorkeling was part of this package where you got to swim with dolphins at the end. One of the dolphins tried to rape Uncle Colt.”
Bobby stared incredulously at his daughter, “You’re shitting me?”
“No, it actually happens far more often than you’d think.”
“Oh…that little redheaded hobbit is never going to hear the end of this.” Bobby grinned wickedly.
“And that’s why they didn’t tell you.”
“What?” Bobby asked in confusion.
B.J. shook her head, “Dad…do you know anybody that would want to be picked on for getting molested by a dolphin?”
Bobby mulled it over and then hung his head in shame, “I’m a real dumbass sometimes aren’t I?”
“Yep.” B.J. laughed and kissed her dad on the head. “But you’re my dumbass, and I wouldn’t have you any other way.” She gave her father a big hug and said, “Also, I’ve never once thought you held me back. You taught me a lot of things, and one of them was that people should always be themselves. Life is way too short to waste it trying to be something you’re not. You taught me that being smart was more important than being popular. That people mattered more than things. You supported me when I said I wanted to grow up and be a scientist even when Mom kept trying to push me into modeling. You made me realize that if a man only wanted to love me because of how I looked…then that wasn’t love. If a man is more worried about the size of my waist than the size of my heart then he isn’t really a man to begin with. You were always there, always supportive even when you didn’t understand what you were supporting, and you always made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Dad…you aren’t the anchor that drags me down. You’re the balloon that lifts me up.”
Bobby’s eyes watered, and he looked ready to cry, “That is the sweetest thing I ever heard.”
“You’re still going to make fun of Uncle Colton getting molested by the dolphin aren’t you?” B.J. groaned.
Bobby wiped a tear from his eye, “Every chance I get.”
B.J. rolled her eyes and laughed as she walked off to leave with Sarah. Bobby smiled and finished buttoning his shirt. He stood up and gave himself one last look in the mirror. “At least my nose isn’t crooked.” Then he turned and walked off to find Colton.
“So where you two ladies going tonight?” Colton asked as he eyed his wife like she was the last piece of cheesecake on earth.
Sarah smiled, “A spa, dinner, and then we’re going to ride some airboats to see a voodoo zombie ritual in Bayou Sauvage.”
“Seriously? Haven’t we had enough with Zombies?” Bobby groaned.
Sarah nodded, “It was your daughter’s idea. I wanted to go shopping for retail therapy, and then maybe dancing.”
“I thought all things considered, it might be good to know what we were dealing with.” B.J. said.
“So what about you two?” Sarah asked.
Bobby shrugged. Colton smiled, “You already know I’m taking him to Shorty’s. Then we’ll play it by ear.”
“Be careful.” Sarah said as she leaned down to kiss her husband.
After Sarah and B.J. walked out, Colton looked at Bobby, “There’s gonna be some ground rules.”
“Like?”
“No midget jokes. That’s disrespectful, and unless you want to get tossed out by six of the meanest midget stripper bouncers in the country I suggest you…” Colton watched as Bobby’s eyes glazed over. “You aren’t listening to a word I’m saying are you?”
“I could get tossed out of the bar by midget bouncers.” Bobby said with hopeful excitement.
“I see it already…we’re going to jail.” Colton groaned.
Bobby looked down at his friend and smiled like a kid that just found out Christmas is coming one day early, “Midget strippers…midget bouncers…is there a midget bartender?”
Colton nodded, “Yes.” Bobby marched for the door with a newfound bounce in his step. Colton shook his head and grabbed his cell phone off the charger on the way out, “So much for the rules.”
The two men walked down Toulouse past the Hotel Marie towards Burgundy Street, and then went northeast on Burgundy. They kept walking until they reached a grey brick building with several men dressed in leather walking inside. Some of them smiled and a couple winked at Bobby.
“Colt? I don’t really think I’m ready for your secret lifestyle choices.” Bobby teased.
“Shutup Coonass. You’re gonna piss off the locals. Besides, I only came this way because it’s the route I took last time I was here. There probably a more direct route, but I might miss it then.” Colton growled as they walked past the Rawhide gay bar and turned right on Saint Ann Street. They walked past multi-colored buildings and just before they reached Bourbon Street, they saw Shorty’s strip club. It looked like an abandoned building, but standing outside was the most heavily muscled midget Bobby had ever seen. Colton led his friend to the door, and the bouncer stopped them. He was bald, shirtless, with a nose ring, and barbed wire tattoos circling both biceps. “Welcome to Shorty’s. The only midget strip club in the bayou. You boys are in for a treat. Tonight, and for the rest of the week, we’ve flown in the top midget strippers from all around the country. Remember, no touching, and respect the employees…or else. My name is Angus, and if there is a problem just ask for me. One way or another I will solve it.”
Bobby fought the urge to ask, “Or else what.” As Colton led his friend inside, Angus flexed his pectoral muscles and made them dance. It was meant to intimidate, but Colton was already lost in the scenery inside. The bartenders were midgets, the dancers were midgets, the waitresses were midgets, and even the janitor sweeping up in the corner was a midget. “Colt…you are my best friend ever.”
“Yeah-yeah-yeah. Just remember to keep your mouth shut.” Colton grunted.
The two men weaved in and out through the tables and found chairs up near the front stage. The DJ of the strip club finished playing “Cherry Pie”, and said over the speakers, “That adorable blonde was our local girl Sukya Stankhose, don’t worry fellas. The girl will be showing off her assets on the main stage again in forty-five minutes. Next up…on loan from the Ardeur in St. Louis…our little voodoo queen herself Anita Black. If she can’t raise the dead in your pants boys then nothing can.”
The woman swayed and writhed as the DJ cranked up “Something in Your Mouth” by Nickelback. She was half German, and half Mexican. Bobby was already grabbing his wallet to toss money her way when Colton grabbed his wrist. “No…tonight is on me and Sarah. She even gave us some money to play with.” Colton reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of cash. “Here you go. Just don’t go spending it all at once.”
Colton grinned, “I take it all back. Every mean thing I ever said about you.”
“So I’m not a fat, soulless ginger?” Colton asked.
“No you’re still that. I mean I said I’d take the mean stuff back, but I’m not just going to lie.” Bobby laughed as he slid a ten in Anita’s g-string.
“I’m Rachel Morgasm. You want a dance honey?” A young redhead asked.
“Hell yeah.” Bobby yelled as he handed her a twenty.
Rachel grinned and hopped up in Bobby’s lap. She started bouncing and pumping. She shoved her breasts in Bobby’s face and jiggled, “So where you from Sweetie.”
“Livingston Parish.” Bobby answered as he tried to ignore the pain from a nipple that was poking him in the eye. He then looked over at his best friend and shuddered, “Colt! Can you look the other way or something?”
Colton glared at Bobby, “What? Why?”
Bobby shrugged as Rachel was pumping her butt against his growing erection. “I know it’s stupid, but she’s a little person…you’re a little person. You’re both redheads. It’s like I’m getting a lap dance from one of your relatives, and it’s creeping me out.”
Colton rolled his eyes, “So now you’re calling us little people. Why the change?”
Rachel giggled, “What can I say? I know how to keep my men in line. Isn’t that right Big Boy?” Rachel punctuated the question with a sudden circular motion with her hips that left Bobby staring out into space with lust-filled eyes. Colton had to turn away, that look was making him uncomfortable.
The music ended, and Rachel immediately hopped up. “If you would like something a little more intimate…there’s always the Champagne Room.” Rachel grinned seductively.
“Thanks but, we just got here. Maybe later?” Bobby grinned.
“That was Anita Black.” The DJ said. “She’ll be back in forty-five minute. Up next on loan from Tri-Cities Titties in Washington, Mercy the Mechanic. Boys…this is one girl that definitely knows how to change a man’s oil…if you know what I mean.” Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” started cranking up as half-indian woman stepped out from the curtains. She spun around the pole and started pumping every inch of her tiny body towards Bobby’s face.
Rachel moved on to the next man hooting and hollering. It was a sailor with a broad neck, and only one eyebrow that stretched across his entire forehead. Bobby was mesmerized by each bump and grind from Mercy’s pelvis. “Do you think B.J. would mind having a stripper mommy?” Bobby asked as his eyes bugged out of his head.
“I think you need to remind yourself that marrying a pair of tits is how you got stuck with Sue in the first place.” Colton laughed. “But it is good to see you enjoying yourself.” A waitress walked by and Colton ordered some drinks.
“I would like to come inside please.” Damien said to Angus the bouncer.
“You look pretty young. Can I see your ID?” Angus asked.
“Sure, but you will have to reach into my pants.” Damien answered.
Angus was visibly disgusted by the thought of touching the paralyzed man. “Shit…I guess it isn’t like you could do anything. Go inside, and I guess I don’t have to tell you to keep your hands to yourself.”
“Smart Bass.” Damien answered.
The young man weaved his way through the club. He rolled past Bobby and Colton, and pulled up to the front stage. It was the first time since this all began that he’d been able to get away from Lula Mae. The nine year old was busy watching the parade of Krewe of Chewbacchus parade down St. Claude Avenue. She was laughing so hard at the sight of the man wearing a grass skirt and coconut bra pulling the Bar-2 D2 float that she didn’t hear Damien roll off into the crowd. He just wanted a few minutes away from the girl. She just didn’t stop talking like they were a couple. Lula Mae was sweet, but it really creeped Damien out.
She’d find him eventually. He knew it as surely as he knew the tattoo on one of the strippers was done just to cover up her stretch marks. He did his best to make it hard for her to find him. He took time weaving in and out of the people in the parade. Floats about Dr. Who, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, Star Wars, and basically every other science fiction icon littered the street. Marvin the Martian was even in front on a bicycle leading the parade. Men dressed up as space ships, and even a man built the wings of a Tie Fighter and mounted them to his bicycle. Men and women dressed in all kinds of sci-fi gear. It wasn’t easy to navigate them, and a lot of the people thought he was part of the parade. Some of them thought he was trying to be Stephen Hawking, and wanted to take pictures with him. He didn’t have much of a choice since often he got crowded in, but after each picture the people moved on and he kept going. Eventually he left the parade route, and rolled off towards Bourbon Street.
When he arrived on Bourbon Street, the place was packed. Balconies were packed, music blared out from all directions. Women everywhere were yanking their tops up to get beads. Damien liked that part best. He rolled up and down the street enjoying the sights and sounds. He was mesmerized by two nipple piercings on the large breasts swaying back and forth on a nineteen year old co-ed. A shower of beads came down on her. Some of the weaker throws landed on Damien. If the young man could have grinned, he would have. Then he saw Lula Mae’s reflection in a giant pair of novelty sunglasses. She was still about a half block behind him, but she was catching up. It was pretty obvious she was still trying to find him, and at the rate she was going it would only be a few minutes. Damien rolled off as fast as his chair would let him. He reached Saint Ann Street, and saw Shorty’s. It was a place Lula Mae couldn’t enter, and that was good enough for Damien.
The DJ yelled out, “Is everyone having a good time tonight!” The men and women in the club screamed and cheered. “I said is everyone having a good time tonight!” They all screamed, hooped, and hollered even louder. “Next on stage…she’s from Chicago. It might be the second city, but she’ll be first in your hearts…give it up for Harriet Drezden!”
Harriet was the shortest girl in the club. She barely stood three feet, and that was in heels. Her fake breasts were actually bigger than her head, and they were barely concealed by her tiny leather duster. She walked out as Lenny Kravitz “American Woman” started blasting out from the speakers. Even Damien wanted to stand up and clap as the woman flung her duster off exposing both giant breasts. Instead all he could do was say through his speakers, “Yeah baby. Shake it for Daddy.”
“Would you like a dance?” Sukya said with more than a hint of down home southern charm. The tourists ate the southern drawl up, and the locals were too busy staring at her tits to care.
“Yes please, but you will have to take the money out from my wallet. It is on the side.” Damien said. Sukya stepped around and found the young man’s wallet.
“Damn boy…you’re loaded. How about we go back to the Champagne Room for a little more private time?” Sukya asked seductively as she eyed his thick wallet stuffed with twenties and fifties.
“Ship yes.” Damien answered, and followed the blonde through the crowd. “Out of curiosity, is the Chris Rock song about no sex in the Champagne Room wrong.”
“Baby with this kind of cash you can have whatever you want in the Champagne Room.” Sukya laughed.
“Ah…rue.”
***
Callie Hix leaned over the bar and grinned, “So cutie…what’s a girl got to do to get hired around here?”
Mortimer Jenks, or Mo as most of the regulars called him cleaned the glass and never even looked up, “Be about a foot and a have shorter, and lose nine inches.”
“Wait…what? You want me to lose a foot and a half, and nine inches? What the hell are you talking about?” Callie asked.
Mortimer looked up, and his comb-over flopped over exposing his bald head, “We only hire little people here. You’re too tall, and I’ve seen one of your videos. All our women have to be women.” Then Mortimer turned his attention back to cleaning the glass. “Damn spot.”
“I’m a hell of a dancer, and I’d bring plenty of money in. Not just from walk-ins either. I have plenty of fans that’ll pay to watch me dance. Come on…give me a chance.” Callie smiled.
“Sorry…we have a no cock policy for our dancers. Besides, I’m not stupid. I know most of the other club owners personally, and I already know about you trying to stab a cop with your heel. You’ve been banned from almost every other strip club in the city for a reason. You’re welcome to stay and drink, but I’m sorry…I just can’t hire you.” Mortimer said with a grin as he finally got the spot removed.
“You midget fucker! I don’t have to put up with this shit from the likes of you. I’m a star! I can do so much better than this rat hole.” Callie screamed.
“Angus! One for pickup!” Mortimer barked.
Angus stomped over to Callie, “Come with me Ma’am.”
“Keep your filthy midget hands off of me.” Callie howled.
Angus snapped his fingers, “Boys.”
All of the clubs bouncers surrounded Callie Hix and lifted her up like they were carrying a roll of carpet. The skinny blonde screamed and kicked, but the men didn’t put her down until they had her outside the club. Angus handed the shemale her purse and said, “Thank you and have a nice day.”
“Fuck you!” Callie spat.
“Sorry…you got a pretty wrapping babe, but I don’t go for chicks with dicks.” Angus laughed as he walked back into the club.
Callie screamed with frustration and then started walking towards Bourbon Street. She took out her phone and called her manager, “Rex! This is Callie. Is that part in the movie still open? Yeah I can be over there tonight as long as the check clears. Tell them to have my contract ready.”
***
“Next up on stage! Jasmine Vayl!” A young black woman bounced across the stage on her butt to “More Human Than Human” from White Zombie. She bounced around the stage before crawling up the brass pole. When she reached the top, Jasmine slid down the pole with a loud squeak as her thighs gripped the pole.
“Colt! This place is awesome. Hey…what’s that over there?” Bobby asked the waitress as she walked by.
“That’s for midget tossing.” The waitress answered.
Bobby’s eyes got huge, and he looked like a child that just woke up on Christmas morning, “No!”
“Yeah, and if you set the record all your drinks are free.” The waitress said.
“Well shit! Sign me up!” Bobby said as he stood up to walk over there.
***
Sukya bounced and ground on Damien’s crotch. “You like that baby?”
Damien would have been happy to respond, but for her to give him the lapdance, she had to move all the computers and sensors away from his lap. The only thing left for Damien was the tube that he blew into so that he could move. Sukya pumped her hips back and forth, and Damien could only sit there in silence.
“Well, we know at least one thing that still works.” Sukya laughed as she felt the young man’s groin swell under her. She whipped her hair around and gyrated all over his body. Damien had never had a woman writhe all over him like this before, and he was so aroused that he began to change. Both of his feet ripped through his shoes, his chest bulked up and got hairy, eyes changed to yellow wolf eyes, but the only part Sukya noticed was the three foot long penis that ripped its way up through the front of Damien’s pants. “Oh my...Baby where have you been all my life?”
Sukya marveled at the heft of it. It was thick, and veiny, and menacing. “What’s this for?” Sukya asked as she looked at the catheter tube that ran from the head of Damien’s penis down to his empty urine bag. Fortunately for Damien, the blonde completely misunderstood the purpose of the tube and bag, or she might have lost interest immediately. “You kinky motherfucker.” She said as she began to stroke it. “You like that baby?”
When Damien didn’t respond, she stopped and moved his computers and sensors back in place. “Thank you.”
“No Baby…thank you. I’ve been waiting my entire life for a cock like this.” Sukya answered as she began stroking him again. It didn’t take long before Damien was close.
“Gopher, fish, donut, Batman.” Damien’s eyes fluttered from word to word as he neared his orgasm. When Sukya started playing with his testicles it just proved too much for the young man. In seconds his urine bag was filled with semen, and Damien just kept cumming. Even after his dick went limp, semen kept oozing out. The only sound he made came from his labored breathing and when his computer read one of his eye flutters as a word choice. The urine bag burst and it looked like someone had dropped a jar of mayonnaise on the floor. “So good.”
“It’s just a shame you already finished. I kind of wanted to give that big anaconda a ride, but I guess…WOW!” It really was all she could say as she watched his cock grow rock hard at the mention of sex.
“Take out the tube, and bend over.” Damien ordered.
Sukya did exactly what he said. There was a little bit of blood as she pulled the catheter out, but Damien didn’t seem to mind it. “Do you have a condom baby?”
“No. Is that a problem.”
“It’ll cost extra.” Sukya said, but honestly looking at the size of his manhood, she considered giving him a freebie. He was absolutely huge.
“I will pay it.”
Sukya pulled her g-string down and bent over. She was too short initially, but then she watched as Damien’s shocks lowered him into position. Sukya reached back and positioned the man at her entrance. “Go easy. I’m going to need some time to adjust.”
Damien blew into his tube, and the wheelchair moved forward. He slowly began to press against her. His hard cock bent for a second, and then slipped between her folds. Sukya gasped, “Holy shit! I can’t believe it’s actually inside.”
Damien blew and sucked to move himself in and out. It was slow at first. Every time he started to push in his penis bent under the added pressure before slipping inside. As she grew more wet, Damien started to blow and suck faster to build his rhythm. The wheelchair rolled forward and back as he buried himself into her.
Ten minutes later Sukya was howling as the man had his chair going back and forth as quickly as he could make it go. Damien was practically hyperventilating as he blew out and sucked back in as hard and fast as he could. Sukya was going wild with every pump of the man’s cock. “Oh gawd! I love it. Fuck my nasty pussy you crippled son of a bitch!”
If Damien was offended, he certainly didn’t let it show. He didn’t stop, he didn’t slow down. He just kept driving himself in and out of her at a maddening pace. He was getting so close, but he was trying to hold out. He wanted to feel her climax. He’d felt the first few flutters of an impending orgasm, but Damien just couldn’t get going fast enough to really get the woman to climax. Instead he’d kept her just on the edge of orgasm for almost four minutes.
Sukya couldn’t stand it anymore. She’d been so close that her pussy was actually throbbing as it begged for some sort of release. She reached between her legs and started rubbing her clit as fast as possible. “Oh FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” She gasped as her inner walls clenched and spasmed around Damien’s throbbing hardness.
“I’m going to cum. I can not hold out any longer.” Damien said. His mechanical voice never even once giving away the struggle Damien was having in avoiding ejaculation at that moment.
“Fill me up! Pump me full of your cum!” Sukya howled as one of her orgasmic aftershocks suddenly became a full blown orgasm in its own right. It was too much for the young man. Thick, gooey, and slightly green semen blasted out of Damien like an uncontrolled fire hose. There was so much pressure built up that when it roared forth from the undead werewolf it actually shot Sukya across the room. She splatted against the wall, and was pinned there as blast after blast of semen. She was coated with a slightly green splash of ejaculate that left her looking not unlike a Krispy Kreme donut.
“Ah…ah…ah…rue” Damien’s robotic voice howled over the speakers as he kept spurting. When he was done there was hardly even a hint of the black wall. Slightly green semen splattered the entire all, and Sukya was still sliding down the gooey mess that they’d both made.
“Sorry, I guess I was a little backed up.” Damien said.
Sukya finally reached the ground and sort of just peeled off the wall. She flopped onto her back in a puddle of semen. She couldn’t even answer the man. Instead she just giggled and gave him thumbs up.
“Hey Sukya! You decent in there? We got a little girl outside that says her man is in here, and it sounds like…” Jasmine Vayl said as she peeked inside the private room. She saw Sukya covered in jism with her legs spread still giggling as Damien’s giant cock still dribbled cum. “Shit! I need to find me a crippled man.”
“Room for one more.” Damien said as his limp dick started to grow hard again.
“Sorry big guy, and I mean it. I’d love to ride that pony, but there’s a girl outside acting a little crazy, and so you’re going to have to go.” Jasmine said.
“Well ship. Can we pretend that I am not here.” Damien said.
“Sorry, and you’re going to have to put that monster away before you leave the room.” Jasmine said. “Sukya, are you going to be able to help this man outside.”
“I can’t feel my legs.” Sukya laughed.
“I’ll help you zip it back up, but then we gotta get you out there. She’s getting pretty agitated.” Jasmine said.
***
“One, two, three!” The five bouncers screamed as they threw Bobby into the air. Bobby did just as they said. He held himself as rigid and stiff as a board when they were readying to throw him, and then when he was in the air he stretched out.
“Go Coonass!” Colton screamed as he watched his friend get midget tossed. It was a very different version than most people would have expected. In just about any other bar the midgets were the ones sent sailing, but here at Shorty’s the little people did the tossing. Colton laughed as he saw his best friend treat the whole experience with all the seriousness of an Olympic event. Bobby strained to stretch out for every inch.
The club was hopping. A stripper by the name of Stephanie King was jackhammering her pelvis into the air. The bartender was pouring drinks as fast as he could. Beautiful midget strippers were giving lapdances all throughout the club. Bobby could even see the little handicapped guy wheeling back through the crowd as he drifted through the air. Bobby was certain he’d beat the record. He could see the line on the ground. His hands were going to hit a good three inches past the line. Free beer, midget strippers, and a great friend like Colton to spend the evening with had Bobby thinking that he was a dead ex-wife away from this being the best night of his life. That’s when the top half of Angus the bouncer went flying past him leaving a trail of blood and organs.
“Are you absolutely sure you want to do this?” Sarah asked.
“It might help if we had some idea how these zombies got started.” B.J. answered.
A fifty something woman with curly blonde hair and a face that had seen a face lift or two walked up to the crowd. “Hello.” She said.
“That’s the lady I booked this with. Natalie Yates.” B.J. said.
“Hello, I’m Mistress Bloodraven.” Natalie said in what could only be called a truly horrible fake Transylvanian movie accent.
Sarah snickered, “I think we aren’t going to learn nearly as much as you thought.” B.J. glared at Mistress Bloodraven and contemplated how to get her money back.
“Tonight we have some special guests.” Mistress Bloodraven grinned. “First author Sarah Mudd.” The group clapped as Sarah waved sheepishly. She hadn’t expected to be put on the spot like this, and hated it when people pointed her out just to impress other guests. “Our other group of guests are the world famous men from the all-male review Genitalia from Australia.”
Eighteen perfect physical specimens walked around the corner, each man looking more Adonis-like than the next. Several of the men waved and smiled while saying, “G’day!”
Suddenly B.J. wasn’t so concerned with getting her money back. Instead she was focused on how to get as many of those men in a boat with her. Sarah and B.J. both watched the men like two hawks watching a mouse. Sarah leaned over and whispered, “You know that promise I made about letting you sleep? Don’t count on it. I just got enough eye candy for the next month.”
“Nope. They’re all mine. I called it.” B.J. giggled. “Besides you’re married.”
“I’m married, but I’m not blind. Besides if my hubby can go to see strippers tonight then he certainly can’t complain if strippers just fall into my lap…repeatedly, and with vigor.” Sarah grinned, “Besides, there’s never any harm in window shopping as long as I don’t try to buy anything.”
Mistress Bloodraven then pointed at the airboats, “If you’ll all climb up on the airboats we’ll depart for our spooky decent into the scary world of voodoo.”
At first B.J. tried to follow the men from Genitalia from Australia, but Sarah grabbed her arm and started walking to one of the boats instead. “Noooo…me want.” B.J. said under her breath.
“Trust me.” Sarah said as she got them onto the first airboat. “Now watch.”
B.J. and Sarah watched patiently as the crowd of mostly women tried their hardest to stay with the muscular men. The married women lingered around the outside with their husbands waiting to see what boat to jump on. The single women were the ones closest, asking questions, and trying to touch. Then there were the people that really didn’t care one way or another, but just hovered around to watch the commotion. “It’s like watching those nature shows where the pack keeps harassing the herd until they separate one of the weaker ones and then drag it down to eat. Meanwhile scavengers are circling.” B.J. laughed. The male dancers huddled around one another for protection from the salivating women. Little Brad was the first one picked off as saintly nuns somehow managed to get him distracted long enough while their two sisters stepped into the gap between Brad and his friends. “I would never have believed it if I didn’t see it with my own two eyes.”
“What? Nuns are just like any other woman. They might not actually get to ride the ride, but that sure won’t stop them from appreciating the view.” Sarah said.
The men made a break for it. The boats could hold six people not counting the drivers. Sarah and B.J. watched patiently as the first of the men practically leapt onto the boat with them. The oldest of the men, with just a hint of gray in his hair was named Paul, he introduced the others. B.J. grinned as Paul called the youngest one Avery, and then giggled like a little girl when he introduced the two as “Fish and Chips.” Markus Fish, and Simon Chips both seemed as interested in B.J. as she was in them. Sarah sat in one chair between Paul and Avery, while B.J. was sandwiched between “Fish and Chips”.
The other men realized that the one boat was full panicked and began to scatter to the other boats. As they broke apart the women snatched them up like the easy prey they were. It wasn’t long before all the men were divided one or two to a boat with everyone else. Meanwhile Sarah and B.J. had the lions share, and were getting plenty of attention from the four men. Paul showed Sarah a picture of his two daughters and his very pregnant wife at home, and Avery talking about his boyfriend Gabriel, and their adopted daughter Faith. Meanwhile Fish and Chips were both single men that had become very good friends since being paired together for the show.
The name combination was what got them stuck together, but once they started working together they realized they complimented one another perfectly. The two men were the hottest part of the show for most of the women that came to see it. They were always having little friendly competitions with one another, and it was no different with B.J. As a beautiful young American woman, the two men couldn’t resist falling all over themselves in an attempt to win her affections. They both wanted to be able to brag to the other how they’d gotten a date with the pretty caramel skinned woman, and B.J. wasn’t complaining about all the attention.
“Oh if Colton could see you now, he’d pop a blood vessel.” Sarah laughed as she leaned in beside B.J.’s ear. The airboats were loud, and anything under a scream went unheard.
“I’m being good.” B.J. screamed over her shoulder. The grin on her face stretched from ear to ear as both men were still fawning over her.
Sarah smiled and pulled out her cell phone. She took a snapshot of B.J. turned around in her chair getting hugged by Fish and Chips. Then she took another one where they both kissed her on opposite cheeks at the same time. “My husband is going to have a conniption.” Sarah said to Paul before bursting into laughter again as B.J. took the liberty of wrapping both arms around the shoulders of her two new “boy toys” for the evening.
The airboats took them awhile to get to the Bayou, but after they arrived. Mistress Bloodraven had the drivers find some semidry land. It was already very dark, but the airboats had lights mounted on them, and they kept the area she worked from well lit up. Two men who she called her assistants walked over. They lay down on the ground, and then she began.
B.J. was huddled between Fish and Chips. The each had an arm wrapped around her waist, and she had a hand gently cupping each of their very firm rumps. The grin on her face was almost permanently affixed. She didn’t even notice when Mistress Bloodraven forgot her lines and started quoting lines from old horror movies. The two assistants started jerking and flopping on the ground, and then rose as she said, “Klaatu barada nikto.”
Most of the people were feeling pretty ripped off by then, but B.J. Fish and Chips were too distracted by one another to care. Meanwhile Sarah, Paul, and Avery were making fun of the two “zombies”.
“I didn’t know zombies, had bacne.” Avery giggled.
“Well why do you think they want to eat our brains…it’s so we won’t notice.” Paul snickered.
“Boys…boys…stop picking on him. He’s just a simple zombie working hard to earn enough money to feed his zombie wife and zombie kids.” Sarah snorted. “I mean what’s this country coming to when a Zombie can’t earn enough to feed his family…plus now they have Sparky the zombie dog to take care of, and you know he keeps eating the neighbors zombie cat.”
“Could you three please try to keep it down? You’re ruining it for the others that came to see a real zombie ceremony.” Mistress Bloodraven snapped.
“That’s not a zombie.” Brad said.
“Well of course not. Zombies aren’t real.” Mistress Bloodraven rolled her eyes.
The entire group of Genitalia from Australia started laughing. Paul rolled his eyes, “Shows what you know.”
“Listen pretty boy. I’ve been doing this tour for five weeks now. I’m a professional. I took a three hour class on being a tour guide, and let me tell you…this is as close to the real thing that there is.” Mistress Bloodraven snapped.
“Keep telling yourself that.” Paul said with a smile.
“You’ve seen zombies?” Sarah asked.
“You see a lot of things back in the Bush. Not everything that wants to eat you is a croc.” Paul answered.
“We should compare notes.” Sarah said.
“No! There will be no comparing anything on this tour. This is a zombie tour. I’m the tourguide, and these are your zombies! The end!” Mistress Bloodraven screamed.
Brad shook his head, “But that’s not a zombie…now those…those are zombies.” He pointed out into the darkness, and the people could just make out the shambling horde moving towards them. More and more zombies slowly rose up from the water. First it was a few dozen, and then hundreds, and with each passing moment even more rose up and started walking towards them. Old, young, black, white, women and men moved like a hungry throng towards the people.
Paul, Avery, Fish, Chips, and the others started moving into defensive stances. The rest of the crowd looked confused. One of the tourists, a fat older man named Shawn started laughing, “This is a hell of a value. I was expecting some crappy looking rubber masks, and maybe some stupid hocus pocus. I sure didn’t expect misdirection like this.” He started walking out towards the zombies.
“Get back her mate.” Paul yelled.
“Oh shut up pretty boy. You don’t have me fooled. I know you’re part of this. Man these costumes are amazing. It must have taken you people hours to set this up.” Shawn leaned in to get a closer look at the first zombies face. “How did you get the maggots to crawl around like that? Animatronics?” Just then the zombie lunged and bit down into Shawn’s neck. “Oh fuck! Get them off!”
“Sorry mate…it’s too late for you.” Paul yelled. “The rest of you…get behind us. We’ll try and keep you safe the best we can.”
“How? How are a bunch of crank dancers going to save us?” Mistress Bloodraven screamed.
“We’re Australian.” Brad said as if that explained everything. Then he walked out into the darkness. A moment later he came back with one of the zombies. He had the zombie by the back of the neck, “Now here you have your typical government zombie. They’re particularly deadly in that you don’t really know what was done to make them.” The zombie jerked, and sent Brad flying. He landed with a thump, but was back to his feet and running over almost immediately. “Aw crikey! He’s a strong one.”
Brad grabbed the zombie by the hair, and the flesh underneath peeled away. “This zombie has enough power in his arms to rip my head right off.”
The zombie groaned, “Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains.”
Brad grinned, “So I’ve got to be careful.” He kicked the side of the zombies knee, and everyone watched as it shattered. The zombie tried to continue, but Brad kicked the other knee, and the zombie collapsed on the ground. “So what I’ve got to do right now is get behind the zombie…and jam my thumb in its butthole.”
Paul screamed, “Brad no!” But it was too late.
Brad yanked down the zombies pants and in one swift motion he crammed his thumb up the zombies butthole. Brad smiled and yelled, “I got this one boys! You get the others.” The zombie thrashed and jerked to try and get Brad’s thumb out of his ass. “Aw crikey he’s really mad now!”
“Brad!” Paul screamed. “That’s how you handle a yeti…not a zombie.”
Brad’s face suddenly grew terrified. The zombie then clenched his butt muscles, and tightened his sphincter. The butthole severed Brad’s thumb in one pucker as Brad screamed, “Aw crikey!”
The zombies began pressing in from all sides. “Let’s get the hell out of here.” Sarah screamed as she grabbed B.J. and started to run. The men from Genitalia from Australia started fighting the zombies in order to protect the other tourists. They were brave, they were strong, but they were outnumbered.
Most of Paul’s men yanked off their shirts and used them like a garrote. They couldn’t cut the heads off, but they could use the shirts to either wrap around the zombies neck in order to break it, or use it like a bit for a horse and guide the zombies away from the people.
“Fall back to the airboats!” Paul ordered.
The zombies collapsed in around them. Hundreds of undead kept rising up out of the water and moving towards them. As more and more of the zombies rose, the stench grew. Soon many of the tourists were doubled over vomiting from the stench.
“Americans.” Avery groaned. “Boys, we can’t save them all. Grab the Sheila’s and the kids.”
Paul and his men scooped up women and children and ran them to the boats. Some of the other men were able to crawl their way to the boats. The zombies picked off the stragglers one by one. They ripped some of them apart, some were just pinned to the ground and devoured, and a few had bites taken out of them and bled to death on the way back.
The men from Genitalia from Australia stood between the people and the zombies. “Fish! Chips! Get on.”
“Sorry! We have to try to make sure everyone else gets through this.” Simon Chips said with a sad smile. “Really wish we could have talked you into that night out.”
B.J. hopped off the boat long enough to give the man a kiss on the cheek, and then kissed Markus Fish as well, “I’m sorry guys. I’d have loved to have gotten to know you both better.” She then hopped back up into the boat with tears in your eyes. “Good luck.”
Fish and Chips waved at her and then fought hard against zombies pressing in. Their teeth snapped at the men. Some of the airboat drivers started their boats and tried to pull away. Some of the zombies seeing this realized they were about to get away. They began ripping off their own arms to throw air boat blades in an effort to foul them out. When it became apparent the safety cages were strong enough to protect the blades, the zombies started looking for something heavier. Arms stopped flying through the air, and suddenly zombie babies and children were flung at the propellers. The rotten body of an undead four year old slammed into the boat one of the boats, the blades fouled out as they mulched the body into a puree of blood, flesh, and bone. The riders were coated with four year old.
“Shit. Let’s go!” Sarah screamed, and looked up to the driver. The airboat driver was screaming as a toddler was chewing on his face. The airboat driver fought and screamed. He stood up and then fell off the boat into the water. Sarah didn’t waste any time. She leapt up onto the driver seat and cranked up the airboat. The other tourists that made it onto the boat were milling around. “Sit down you idiots!”
“Don’t tell us what to AHH! AHHH! AHHHH!” Mistress Bloodraven screamed as an eight year old zombie girl was flung onto her by her parents. The tour guide screamed and ran around the boat. The other tourists panicked and jumped off the boat.
“Fuck this.” Sarah screamed and accelerated the airboat. Mistress Bloodraven stumbled as the boat moved forward and fell off the boat. The airboat roared forward into the night.
“Do you know how to drive this thing?” B.J. screamed.
“We’ll find out soon enough!” Sarah yelled back as she readied herself to navigate through trees, floating logs, and other debris.
The airboat shot through the bayou. The water wasn’t very deep in some areas, and Sarah could see zombies heads and even their upper bodies sticking out of the water. Whenever she saw them she veered the airboat towards them, and seconds later there was a loud thump as the boat ran over a zombie’s head.
It was working well until one of the zombies was smart enough to raise his hands and catch on to the boat. Lankester “Bubby” Merrin, pastor of Livingston Parish’s First United Church of the Immaculate Mary, Joseph, and John slowly pulled himself up onto the airboat. His religious garments were shredded and filthy from walking through the murky swamp water. His body was bloated, one of his eyes was completely gone, and most of his nose and lips had been eaten away by hungry fish. He moved towards a defenseless Sarah. She couldn’t fight him off and keep driving the airboat.
B.J. grabbed a fire extinguisher. “Get back!” She yelled while swinging the extinguisher at his head.
“You cannnnnnnnnnnnnot sssssssssssssstop mmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee. I ammmmmmm onnnnnnnn a mmmmmmmmmmissssssssssssion fffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrommmmmmmmmmm God.” Bubby’s voice slurred as he kept moving towards the helpless blonde.
“Mission’s over!” B.J. said as she swung the extinguisher with every ounce of strength she had.
Bubby caught it in one hand and squeezed. Some of the bones in his hand started breaking, but then the extinguisher made a low groan as he began crushing the metal with his hand. Bubby started laughing. The two women couldn’t stop him.
B.J. let go of the extinguisher and stared in terror, “Sara? Any ideas?”
“Don’t get bitten!” Sarah answered.
B.J. turned to stare at her, “Well duh! How about something useful?”
“Sorry, I’m all out of useful. All I got left is obvious, or completely insane.” Sarah yelled.
“I’ll take insane.” B.J. said nervously as she watched Bubby still crushing the extinguisher.
“You know where you got that extinguisher…there should be a flare gun around there. They keep those on these tourist boats in case they breakdown.” Sarah said.
B.J. scrambled around the boat looking for the flare gun. The extinguisher finally popped under the pressure, and nitrogen burst from the extinguisher and made everything hazy, but it was enough time for Bubby to make the distance across to grab Sarah. He yanked and she came right out of the seat and slammed onto the deck of the boat. The airboat kept going. With no one to steer the boat, there would be no way to avoid trees or anything. Bubby kicked Sarah a few times to make sure she couldn’t put up much of a fight. Then he leaned down to bite her leg. His mouth opened to chomp down.
B.J. ran and jumped, she twisted in the air and then kicked Bubby squarely in the side of the head. The pastor was rocked back and let go of Sarah’s leg. Unfortunately for Sarah, B.J. had to land somewhere. She came crashing down on the woman.
“Ow! Shit. You’re like all elbows.” Sarah gasped.
“Better than him biting you.” B.J. answered.
The two women got up. Bubby was still trying to keep from falling overboard. B.J. sidestepped towards Bubby and proceeded to kick him right on the chin with all she had. The pastor went sprawling backwards and splashed into the water.
“Where’d you learn that?” Sarah said in amazement as she scaled her way back into the driver’s seat.
“The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. I just delivered the sweet chin music.” B.J. said proudly before doing a full wrestling pose in celebration.
Sarah shook her head and laughed painfully, “You really are Bobby’s daughter.” Her sore ribs made it hard to breathe, and laughing was just agony.
B.J.’s face just glowed with pride. “Well duh.” She smiled. “Of course I’m his daughter. Who else teaches a four year old the cobra clutch.”
Sarah shook her head, “I still remember all the Halloweens you came dressed as wrestlers. You showed up as Hulk Hogan with your tiny stick-on horseshoe mustache, the Undertaker with your long coat, and my favorite was the guy in the blue mask.”
“The Blue Blazer.” B.J. said.
“Yeah. I thought you looked adorable like that.”
“I wanted to go as Shawn Michaels, but Dad never let me. He said if I did any of Shawn’s dancing or grinding that Uncle Colt would have a heart attack.” B.J. laughed.
“Yeah, he definitely would.” Sarah said with a pained smile.
The airboat sputtered and the propeller stopped turning. “Oh no.” B.J.’s voice trembled with fear. “Oh please tell me you just shut it off as a joke.”
Sarah looked at the propeller, and then looked at the dials. “No…we’re dead in the water.”
“Can you please not use that word?”
Sarah and B.J. stood there looking at one another. In the distance they could hear zombies groaning. “Maybe if we shut off the lights they won’t find us.” Sarah said.
“Do you think that will really work?”
“No…but it sounded good right?”
B.J. handed Sarah the flare gun, “Here, you probably could use this better than me.”
They sat there in the dark listening to groans as the zombies closed in. “B.J. no matter what, I want you to know that your Uncle Colton and I have always been proud of you.”
B.J.’s eyes watered, “Can we not have this conversation? It sounds like we’re giving up.”
“I just wanted to say that, and if I ever had a daughter I would have thanked God every day if she was half as wonderful as you are.” Sarah’s voice cracked. She was about to start blubbering.
B.J. wasn’t doing much better. The realization that they were just waiting on the inevitable was almost more than she could bear, “I used to stay up at night and wish you were my mom.”
“Oh B.J. that’s so sweet.” Sarah sniffled. “I’d have been honored to be your DIE YOU BRAIN EATING BASTARD!” Sarah screamed as she fired the flare gun at Bubby. The zombie pastor had been shambling his way towards them in the darkness, and along the way he’d gathered thirty friends. The flare struck Bubby in the face, and ignited the methane inside the pastor. He exploded like a bomb. A fireball extended out, and ignited the methane in the other zombies. They all exploded as well, and a huge fireball lifted up into the sky.
“Wow…that worked way better than I would have expected.” B.J. said in awe of the giant fireball still rising.
“Yeah…problem is that it probably just told every zombie in two miles where we are.” Sarah grunted.
“Well since we’re probably not going to make it. Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Why didn’t you and Uncle Colt have kids?”
Sarah sighed, “We tried. I even got pregnant a couple of times, but I lost them.” Tears started running down her face. “None of the pregnancies lasted more than a few months. We finally quit trying because I couldn’t stand to lose another.”
“You’d have been a great mom.” B.J. said as she wrapped her arms around the blonde woman and hugged her.
Sarah wiped the tears away, “Well, anyway…I have a great husband, and I like to think I helped raise you a bit.”
“Please…you were way more of a mother to me than my own mom was.” B.J. answered.
Sarah grinned, “Well…thank you.” The groans of the zombies told them that they were getting closer. Another ten or fifteen minutes and it would be all over. Then they heard it. In the distance was a loud roar of another airboat. It grew louder even as the zombies got closer.
Finally they saw the lights from the other airboat. B.J. and Sarah jumped up and down screaming for help. The boat got closer and slowed down as it pulled up beside them. “G’day Sheilas…you coming our way?”
“Fish! Chips!” B.J. screamed as she jumped over to the other boat. She hugged both men and kissed them.
Paul and Avery reached their hands out and helped Sarah across. “Where are the rest of your men?” Sarah asked.
“They fought hard, but there were just too many.” Paul’s voice was sad. “We are going to head to the airport and fly out of here before this place is overrun. There’s just too many to fight. I couldn’t count all the walking rotten I saw on the way here. They’ll swarm New Orleans like ants…if they already aren’t doing that now. You two are welcome to come with us.”
“My husband and his friend are in the city.” Sarah said.
“They can come too, but they’ll have to hurry. We can’t wait long. Call them and tell them to get to the airport. We’ll take you two there.” Paul said with a reassuring smile.
Sarah turned on her cell phone. When Colton answered she said, “Honey…get to the airport.”
Sarah jerked as Colton’s voice screamed over the phone, “WEREWOLVES!”